Were you harmed by daycare?

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I don’t think I would be Catholic today if it weren’t from the beautiful witness of my Catholic babysitter. Her name was Mary and she was such a beautiful soul. My family was completely un-churched, but I was so drawn to God from an early age that Mary’s house was the perfect place for me. As a young girl and teen, I frequently prayed and always used the sign of the cross to begin my prayer–it made me feel like God was listening. Mary was such a wonderful model of peace even though I know she had personal trials. I converted to Catholicism at 20.

I have always worked and tried to balance motherhood with a job. I am lucky to live in a very small town which has afforded my children opportunities to participate in many activities . Because it literally only takes a few minutes to get from one place to another, I could arrange my work schedule to come and go as needed. My children all went to the same in home day care where they enjoyed a caring and encouraging environment. No harm done!
 
on_the_hill said:
Hey! Me, too! 😃

My mom was a SAHM and my siblings and I never had out-of-home care until kindergarten. As a matter of fact, the only “babysitters” we ever had were my grandparents.

To tell you the truth, as a very young child I used to pretend to go to nursery school because it seemed like a lot of fun based on TV shows like “Romper Room,” and whenever I heard another child mention it I was envious because it seemed like a privilege to be able to do.
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At our school, at least in elementary, after care was kind of a status symbol among the kids. My kids felt very envious of the after care kids that they saw lining up to go to the playground to play together after school.

Of course, if you actually HAD to go to after care, it probably wouldn’t be so glamorous.
 
pensmama87 said:
I think all of those are factors in whether or not a child experiences “harm.” I know it wasn’t good for me to have the TV on all day growing up. My mom likes to tell the story about when, as a one-year-old, I was fascinated by watching a rape scene on a soap opera. She thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disturbing, even though I obviously don’t remember it. But I think that would have been problematic if it had been my mom or a babysitter. 🤷
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Good grief!
 
Xantippe said:
Good grief!
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Granted, this was 80s daytime TV, so I’m sure not much was actually shown. But when she tells the story, she will mention several times over how she tried to distract me, and here I am thinking “um, why not turn it off?”

There is a prevalent strain of thought that says, “What kids don’t remember doesn’t hurt them,” to which I say, “yes, and no.” It’s like saying that you can feed your child all the junk food they want when they are young because their baby teeth are going to fall out anyway (and yeah, some people do think that very thing.)

I can remember several nightmares I had from the ages of about 4-8. Nearly all of them featured something I had seen on television that wasn’t appropriate for children my age. One was a horror film that is apparently so bad that I could watch it now and laugh. But I’m still afraid of it 20 years later. 😛
 
pensmama87 said:
Granted, this was 80s daytime TV, so I’m sure not much was actually shown. But when she tells the story, she will mention several times over how she tried to distract me, and here I am thinking “um, why not turn it off?”

Gah!
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To some people, TV is sacred.

Always-on TV would be a huge dealbreaker for me if I found myself in need of paid childcare. (It’s not always easy to find out right away, admittedly, but I would make sure when interviewing that the provider at least knew my preferences upfront.)
 
We’re in an incredibly unique situation.

I’m in the process of trying to finish my degree. It’s literally been ongoing for the past 4 years and I still have 3 to go.

Having babies will mess with your plans.

We’ve done the best we could and were lucky/unlucky enough to take advantage of online courses and unemployment.

Neither of my kids have had to go to daycare. My oldest is 3 and my middle is 18 months.

We won’t be that lucky in the fall unless I completely give up on school…after trying for so long to finish. I really don’t want a 7 year long project to turn into a 10-11 year project…if we don’t have any more kids (if)

I know a woman from Church who runs an at home daycare. My youngest and my middle will have to go at most 3 times a week for a couple of hours. My oldest is starting pre-school at our parish school this fall.

I sincerely hope it doesn’t mess any of my kids up.

My husband’s job is erratic and my schedule will get busier. I pray this will work out.
 
pensmama87 said:
To some people, TV is sacred.

Always-on TV would be a huge dealbreaker for me if I found myself in need of paid childcare. (It’s not always easy to find out right away, admittedly, but I would make sure when interviewing that the provider at least knew my preferences upfront.)
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Yeah. TV is a big part of our life as a family. Good or bad. Sports, shows we like etc make it something we do often. But here is the thing. I am always in control of what my kids see. Everything is dvr’d so we can skip commercials or unsightly parts and should my kids hear or see something, even on the disney channel that needs to be explained, I am there to constantly provide context and discussion, we bring faith into our lives at all times. I cannot imagine my children at another person’s place and being placed in front of the TV. It is flat out SCARY what they will see and hear with no contextual explanations or discussion or instruction. And yes this is even prevalent on Disney JR, Sprout, Nick and yup even PBS.
Heck, we have even gotten into discussions watching Veggie tales!
 
pensmama87 said:
I think all of those are factors in whether or not a child experiences “harm.” I know it wasn’t good for me to have the TV on all day growing up. My mom likes to tell the story about when, as a one-year-old, I was fascinated by watching a rape scene on a soap opera. She thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disturbing, even though I obviously don’t remember it. But I think that would have been problematic if it had been my mom or a babysitter. 🤷
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I remember after 9-11 I used to keep the TV on channels like HGTV or the Food Network that never had news or documentaries. My kids were too little to know that a plane crashing into a building was not happening right now, and I knew if there were some documentary about 9-11 being advertised, they’d show that over and over and over in the trailer. I used to sit there to tape their shows, too, because I could cut out the commercials. And yes, it is better to have the TV off most of the time, and it takes some work to be vigilant about what mental pictures your kids have to carry around. You never know what is going to make a big impression.
 
I went to several different baby-sitters as a child, most of them relatives. I can only think of one that was a problem and we were only there for two weeks one summer when our normal babysitter was on a family vacation. We were also school aged and I don’t think my mother would have left us with this woman if we were babies.

My only experience with a daycare center was a kindercare franchise that my sister went to for pre-school. I went there on a couple of occasions when school let out at lunch time, and my mother needed some place for me to go. I remember being horrified when I found out that there were no private stalls in the bathroom and I was expected to use the toilet with other girls in the bathroom. I was six at the time and I cried and refused to go into the bathroom. I don’t know if KinderCare still has that policy or not, but I think that’s horribly abusive to do to a school-aged child, even if they get away with it with the toddlers. When I got home, I told my mom about it and she made arrangements for me to stay with a classmate after school whose parents were unemployed. I think she pulled my sister out of there at the earliest opportunity as well. I’m not a fan of daycare institutions. I don’t think they are the best option.
 
One of the reasons why we are an exclusive Netflix family.

No cable for us. At first it was the high price…but now it’s the principle.

The girls have their own kid’s profile and can only access kid appropriate shows like Curious George, Daniel Tiger and Veggie Tales.

They can’t select anything I wouldn’t approve of. Also, no commercials!

It works well for us. We pick designated times to watch TV…mostly in the morning when we’re trying to get ready for our day and just around dinner time so I can actually cook.
 
I thought I’d provide some of the benefits of daycare that I remember. The two daycare settings I remember best were at my uncle’s house and with a lady whose daughter was a classmate of mine.

I got to spend time with lots of kids my own age and have what the professionals now call “freeplay”. Basically, we had unstructured time to spend inventing games with lots of other kids. In both environments, we had large yards with sand pits, gardens, playground equipment, and overgrown trees that made awesome clubhouses. I got to learn about and experience things that I wouldn’t have gotten to see at my own home. I got to play with fancy “rich kid” toys that we could never afford or store at home. I got to play with pets. (Even watched a cat give birth to kittens) I learned sign language from interacting with my babysitter’s disabled daughter. The babysitter taught us crafts, songs, and games that we didn’t know at home. We cooked and ate foods that my parents didn’t normally cook. We kids came up with crazy games and activities that require more than the number of siblings most kids have. We put on plays. We pitched tents and had “campouts”. We played Red Rover. We made up “clubs” and elected presidents over and over until each kid had a turn to win. The benefits of daycare, in my opinion, are the chances to experience things outside of a child’s own home. Presuming you don’t find those things distasteful or morally repugnant, of course, it’s good for kids to have a chance to have their own little word with other kids for a few hours a day.
 
Allegra said:
I thought I’d provide some of the benefits of daycare that I remember. The two daycare settings I remember best were at my uncle’s house and with a lady whose daughter was a classmate of mine.

I got to spend time with lots of kids my own age and have what the professionals now call “freeplay”. Basically, we had unstructured time to spend inventing games with lots of other kids. In both environments, we had large yards with sand pits, gardens, playground equipment, and overgrown trees that made awesome clubhouses. I got to learn about and experience things that I wouldn’t have gotten to see at my own home. I got to play with fancy “rich kid” toys that we could never afford or store at home. I got to play with pets. (Even watched a cat give birth to kittens) I learned sign language from interacting with my babysitter’s disabled daughter. The babysitter taught us crafts, songs, and games that we didn’t know at home. We cooked and ate foods that my parents didn’t normally cook. We kids came up with crazy games and activities that require more than the number of siblings most kids have. We put on plays. We pitched tents and had “campouts”. We played Red Rover. We made up “clubs” and elected presidents over and over until each kid had a turn to win. The benefits of daycare, in my opinion, are the chances to experience things outside of a child’s own home. Presuming you don’t find those things distasteful or morally repugnant, of course, it’s good for kids to have a chance to have their own little word with other kids for a few hours a day.
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Wow–does this daycare take 39-year-olds?

I suspect that you had an unusually good situation, plus you were a pretty big kid at the time. People are most worried about babies and small toddlers in big group settings.

I was doing school pickup today and, yet again, I saw the nearby daycare staff out with the 1-year-olds (?). There was one six-kid buggy and one four-kid buggy and two staff members and the kids were getting to watch our school’s carpool. Not sure for how long, but I often see them out like that in the buggies, just parked. Now that’s quality childcare!

I have to confess that I have my 2-year-old at that very facility, but it’s a different program and it’s short days, so hopefully no time for just staring at traffic while strapped in a buggy!
 
Xantippe said:
Wow–does this daycare take 39-year-olds?

I suspect that you had an unusually good situation, plus you were a pretty big kid at the time. People are most worried about babies and small toddlers in big group settings.

I was doing school pickup today and, yet again, I saw the nearby daycare staff out with the 1-year-olds (?). There was one six-kid buggy and one four-kid buggy and two staff members and the kids were getting to watch our school’s carpool. Not sure for how long, but I often see them out like that in the buggies, just parked. Now that’s quality childcare!

I have to confess that I have my 2-year-old at that very facility, but it’s a different program and it’s short days, so hopefully no time for just staring at traffic while strapped in a buggy!
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I’m not sure those baby to caregiver ratios would work in our state. :eek:
 
Xantippe said:
Wow–does this daycare take 39-year-olds?

I suspect that you had an unusually good situation, plus you were a pretty big kid at the time. People are most worried about babies and small toddlers in big group settings.

I was doing school pickup today and, yet again, I saw the nearby daycare staff out with the 1-year-olds (?). There was one six-kid buggy and one four-kid buggy and two staff members and the kids were getting to watch our school’s carpool. Not sure for how long, but I often see them out like that in the buggies, just parked. Now that’s quality childcare!

I have to confess that I have my 2-year-old at that very facility, but it’s a different program and it’s short days, so hopefully no time for just staring at traffic while strapped in a buggy!
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I don’t think I had an unusual situation. I went to baby-sitters as a baby as well, but obviously I wouldn’t have personal memories of that time. I do remember my brother being there as an infant, as well as other babies, and we played with them, sang to them, talked to them, did puppet shows for them, and they had lots of time being held and interacted with. When our new baby comes along, we will take her/him to the babysitter we take our daughter to. She/He will have her sister all the time and I am certain she will get plenty of attention and interaction. Institutional daycare centers are another story. I’m doubtful that my kids would be allowed to be together at all in such a place. I don’t think those are the best choice for babies. I know several people who have worked in them and I don’t think the babies get enough attention.
 
Thanks for all the candid replies. It seems that most of the people who had good or at least neutral daycare experiences were in situations that involved informal arrangements with friends and relatives, or in-home daycares with good provider-to-child ratios and low turnover, not the stereotypical “dumping your kids in daycare to be raised by strangers” situation that many social conservatives rail against.

Somewhat like the “it takes a village” concept – now, FYI I am far from a Hillary Clinton fan, but I do think it is true that it is NOT traditional that an ideal childrearing situation is considered one where one parent, usually the mother, spends as much time as possible with the children, at times literally 24/7, co-sleeping and child-wearing and home-schooling, etc, and where parents fear that literally every hour a child spends exposed to outside influences puts them at risk of some horrible outcome.

However, I also have a feeling that when it was more common for people to live with or at least close to extended family members, and have many close family friends who were considered close to family, it was also more common for such social groups to have common morals and principles, and for more trust to be present.

It seems many parents now feel they HAVE to keep an eye on their children 24/7, not just for some vague intuition that “a child does best cared for by his/her parent” but out of real fears that other caregivers would expose their children to inappropriate media, or even try to indoctrinate them into beliefs that are quite different than that of the parents.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Thanks for all the candid replies. It seems that most of the people who had good or at least neutral daycare experiences were in situations that involved informal arrangements with friends and relatives, or in-home daycares with good provider-to-child ratios and low turnover, not the stereotypical “dumping your kids in daycare to be raised by strangers” situation that many social conservatives rail against.

**But at the same time, there’s room for an in-home daycare to be far worse than a big institutional childcare center.

Again,

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=957900**

I would expect that home daycare can be both much worse and much better than center-based care. It’s kind of like McDonald’s–it’s only going to be so good, but it’s also only going to be so bad.

It seems many parents now feel they HAVE to keep an eye on their children 24/7, not just for some vague intuition that “a child does best cared for by his/her parent” but out of real fears that other caregivers would expose their children to inappropriate media, or even try to indoctrinate them into beliefs that are quite different than that of the parents.
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And occasionally, it turns out that the in-home day car provider’s husband or boyfriend is a child molester.

There’s also a lot more awareness than there used to be of how often “helpful” relatives turn out to be up to no good.
 
I wasn’t in the daycare most people think of as home-based daycare or center daycare, but I was not raised by my mom 24/7.

Due to cultural traditions and mores, it’s typical to have a grandmother do a lot of the care or aunts. I remember a period where my mom’s second pregnancy was tough on her, and my grandmother stepped in. After that, my aunts stepped in here and here.

I was not “harmed.” I think I was more harmed by the fact my mom wished she had higher education and could gain quality employment. Not all women benefit from being inside the home, 24/7.

Depending on how traditional a family is, sometimes a couple with a new baby will send the baby to live with relatives thousands of miles away. No one thinks it’s “abusive” or “harmful.” It’s what’s expected for familial care of a new child. I remember a woman recounted that explanation to me (it was her coworker), and how horrified this woman was. She said she was more surprised her coworker didn’t see anything wrong with it. Sometimes it’s a matter of culture.
 
Another issue is that a home caregiver can be more “liberal” with regard to sick policies if she only has her kids plus one other family’s kids. (The same goes for a nanny.)

In the daycare and school setting, kids generally need to be free of fever, vomiting and diarrhea for 24 hours before they can go back to school. That’s a very good rule (especially for large group settings where a bug will go through the group like wildfire), but many are the working parents whose livelihood has been jeopardized by too many sick days.

In fact, the problem of dealing with illness in children (including big school children) is one of the major reasons for the popularity of SAHM/SAHD arrangements outside of religious and conservative circles. (There are so many liberal and secular SAHMs and SAHDs!) It is very, very convenient to have a parent available to deal with emergencies and there’s considerably less stress and muss and fuss. This is especially true in families where one spouse has a “big job”–finance, medicine, whatever, where way more than 40 hours a week of work are expected or there is a need to travel. In the last year or so, my husband has gone to South America, Prague, Paris, British Columbia, and all sorts of places in the US for work, and it’s been no big deal, because I’m home and I can take care of everything and the wheels keep turning.

Unfortunately, while practical from purely a scheduling point of view, this does bring special hardships–daddy can wind up working too much, while mommy would maybe like to work more, but she can’t. Purely on math, it makes sense to have the higher earning spouse work even more and to keep the lower earning spouse at home, but that can be hard on both of them.

If you make a fair amount of money and you plan to continue working, I would suggest getting a nanny for the first 1-3 years, ideally with a backup in case of emergency. Be stingy with your days off–you’re probably going to need them.
 
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