What about parents of unwed mothers - the grandparents?

[gramma]

I hoped it would never come to this. Unfortunately - here I am.
My 20 year old daughter ( still in college ) announced that she is pregnant. There is no ‘father’ that she would like to claim at this time.
Frankly - I am feeling rather numb.
My husband and I have gone through the motions and told her that we support her decision to keep the child or put it up for adoption. Abortion is out of the question so there is no need to discuss it here.
What bothers me is that this baby she is carrying is my grandchild. Am I being a bad person or parent for supporting her possible decision to put the baby up for adoption. Am I abandoning my own flesh and blood. This is such a killer for me.
We always hear so much about the parents - particularly the unwed mother in these situations but - HELLO - what about grandparents and even great grandparents feelings?

 

[1ke]

My sister got pregnant at 19, still living at home & going to college. My parents didn’t even know she had a serious “boyfriend”. He was older, and worked at the company where she had a part time job. He basically dumped her when he found out.

My mom encouraged her to place the baby for adoption, which she did end up doing. It’s an open adoption, and our family has become friends with their family. My sister sees her son on a fairly regular basis, and his adoptive parents are wonderful people.

You should not feel guilty. You are not “abandoning” the baby. Placing the child in a stable, loving home is an act of love. My sister was **not **ready for parenthood. My mother was not in a position to take on raising a grandchild.

If you are in the position to do so, then do it. But, if you aren’t then do the best thing for the child.

I highly recommend you and your daughter go to counseling through Catholic Charities. My sister and my parents went to counseling there, and she still goes to a support group for mom’s who’ve placed their child for adoption. They did extensive counseling with my sister regarding whether she should parent or place for adoption.

My nephew is now 8 years old now.

 

[gramma]

You should not feel guilty. You are not “abandoning” the baby. Placing the child in a stable, loving home is an act of love. My sister was **not **ready for parenthood. My mother was not in a position to take on raising a grandchild.

If you are in the position to do so, then do it. But, if you aren’t then do the best thing for the child.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut 1ke
I could be one hundred + years old and still feel that I could and should be responsible.
What exactly is not being in a position to raise a grandchild?
My husband I and feel that our daughter isn’t ready for parenthood - not to mention single parenthood.

I don’t know anyone who raised a grandchild in situation such as this. Raising my own grandchild sounds so strange to me. This is a whole new perspective for me. It is more dizzying than the tallest height.

 

[1ke]

What exactly is not being in a position to raise a grandchild?

That is specific to the individual.

I don’t know anyone who raised a grandchild in situation such as this. Raising my own grandchild sounds so strange to me. This is a whole new perspective for me. It is more dizzying than the tallest height.

Get some counseling with people who are experts in this area-- Catholic Charities for example.

 

[peary1]

I hoped it would never come to this. Unfortunately - here I am.
My 20 year old daughter ( still in college ) announced that she is pregnant. There is no ‘father’ that she would like to claim at this time.
Frankly - I am feeling rather numb.
My husband and I have gone through the motions and told her that we support her decision to keep the child or put it up for adoption. Abortion is out of the question so there is no need to discuss it here.
What bothers me is that this baby she is carrying is my grandchild. Am I being a bad person or parent for supporting her possible decision to put the baby up for adoption. Am I abandoning my own flesh and blood. This is such a killer for me.
We always hear so much about the parents - particularly the unwed mother in these situations but - HELLO - what about grandparents and even great grandparents feelings?

You have to do what is best for the child, and, remember, you raised your children already. You are not abandoning the child; you are giving the child the opportunity for a good family comprised of mother and father and possibly siblings. It’s a great sacrifice, but one made out of love.

 

[deb1]

You have to do what is best for the child, and, remember, you raised your children already. You are not abandoning the child; you are giving the child the opportunity for a good family comprised of mother and father and possibly siblings. It’s a great sacrifice, but one made out of love.

I agree with everything that you said except the statement that ‘you have raised your children already.’

We have to take into account what is best for that child. Some grandparents will be able to help the mother and some will have too many health or financial problems to be able to do so and might very well encourage the mother to look into adoption. Neither choice is wrong.

But saying, “I’ve raised my children.” as the reason for choosing adoption over what is best for the child sounds like the grandparents are abandoning their responsiblity. Sorry. Being a parent is a forever thing, it continues all the child’s life.

Take my word for it, you worry almost more when your kids pass 18 then you do when they were 2.

 

[gramma]

But saying, “I’ve raised my children.” as the reason for choosing adoption over what is best for the child sounds like the grandparents are abandoning their responsiblity. Sorry. Being a parent is a forever thing, it continues all the child’s life.

Emotions overwhelmed me initially. Now I see it your way.
Once a parent - always a parent.
It hasn’t even been 24 hours and already I have bought my daughter prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes and an outfit for the newborn to come home in.
By doing this I feel that I’ve confirmed in my daughter’s mind that life is coming and we are all expecting with her.
Such is life - often times not at all like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Who are my mother and who are my brothers?

 

[lizaanne]

Well, since I don’t think it has been said yet, congratulations! Regardless of the circumstances, a baby is a blessing from God and a new addition to your family.

What you are facing is not impossible, it’s been done before (either adoption or keeping the child). But no matter what you do you will all need to get some counseling to make the right decisions and not from an emotional position, but from an informed and well thought out position.

God Bless you all!

~Liza

 

[Snowball]

I too am a grandparent of nine, the youngest just turned 9mos…born to my youngest daughter(24) who is in the Army, deployed in Afghanistan, and a single mom. The father decided, after giving her an engagement ring…that he wasn’t ready for fatherhood. We now have our grandson, while she is at war. She at one point, kicked around the idea of adoption.but decided to be the one to raise him and care for him. She has always known that I would support her in her decision, and Thank God, abortion was out of the question for her ! She has made sure that we are financially equipped to care for him, and that should anything happen, he will be set…I have 2 other daughters. married (first) ,now with children, who just love him to death, and are always here for us to lend a helping hand. I never would have dreamed that this would happen to us either ! And I’m glad she made the decision that she did ! All I know for sure is that he has brought so much joy to our lives !! God Bless you and Good Luck !

 

[mesurman]

I hoped it would never come to this. Unfortunately - here I am.
My 20 year old daughter ( still in college ) announced that she is pregnant. There is no ‘father’ that she would like to claim at this time.
Frankly - I am feeling rather numb.
My husband and I have gone through the motions and told her that we support her decision to keep the child or put it up for adoption. Abortion is out of the question so there is no need to discuss it here.
What bothers me is that this baby she is carrying is my grandchild. Am I being a bad person or parent for supporting her possible decision to put the baby up for adoption. Am I abandoning my own flesh and blood. This is such a killer for me.
We always hear so much about the parents - particularly the unwed mother in these situations but - HELLO - what about grandparents and even great grandparents feelings?

 

[mesurman]

mesurman:
My wife and I just went through this. Our daughter (21) has kept the baby and life goes on. Pray, Pray and Pray more. Adoption was never a consideration like your situation. We would have been crushed if the baby had been put up for adoption. I understand your feelings and have true empathy for what you are going through. I hope and pray that it all works out for the best.
God Bless!

 

[chevalier]

There is nothing wrong with the child itself.

 

[2Bcatholic]

(Psalm 139:13-16)

“You formed my inmost being: you knit me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.”

I pray that God guides your family to make the best decision for this precious little one. The circumstances of the conception are saddening but the child is a blessing and good will come from heartbreak!

 

[peary1]

I agree with everything that you said except the statement that ‘you have raised your children already.’

We have to take into account what is best for that child. Some grandparents will be able to help the mother and some will have too many health or financial problems to be able to do so and might very well encourage the mother to look into adoption. Neither choice is wrong.

But saying, “I’ve raised my children.” as the reason for choosing adoption over what is best for the child sounds like the grandparents are abandoning their responsiblity. Sorry. Being a parent is a forever thing, it continues all the child’s life.

Take my word for it, you worry almost more when your kids pass 18 then you do when they were 2.

I said it out of personal experience. It has nothing to do about abandoning responsibility. And it’s just my opinion anyway.