What am I doing wrong? (Need Advice)

[Mark86]

I’m not sure if this is in the right place, and I don’t know if anyone here can help me, but I have to get this burden off of me. Please forgive me.

I know that life means actively taking up “your cross,” but I’ve been a Catholic for less than a year, and it has been utter, unrelenting turmoil in every respect. I am a 27-year-old man who just wants to be a “happy Catholic” with a purpose and zeal for the mission, but I have none. The clear path that lead me to become Catholic has left me completely, and I am in total directionless disarray. I have no friends. I am alone. I am lonely. Terribly lonely. I desire companionship and community. I am tortured day and night by sexual fetishes and desires (heterosexual, same-sex, fetishism, even pedophilia!) and have all the time in the world to linger around and fall into them. I am bored with life. Every week is the same old thing. I fall into grave sin (masturbation) every couple days, I go to Confession every couple days to confess the same sin over and over that I struggle with, and still often can’t take Communion for having fallen into the sin again before I even have a chance to. I go to Mass twice a week. I pray rosaries. I pray chaplets. All I do is pray.

What can I do? And I mean, really “do”? Where am I “needed?”

Nothing is working. I feel bored and directionless, like I’m just stumbling along waiting for God to just tell me what to do with myself. Everything is a “cross.” My loneliness is a “cross.” My sexuality is a “cross.” My directionlessness is a “cross.” My desire even to be a good Christian is a “cross.” I have no joy. I feel like God wants to deprive me of even the good and meaningful things in life (family, commitments, companionship…). I know I should seek “only” Him… but I am just bored with life and living doesn’t seem worth it. I want someone to share the journey with. If He wants me for Himself alone and doesn’t want anything else for me, then why doesn’t He just put me to rest already? What’s my purpose here? I’ve prayed for death. I’ll take the lowest, most painful part of Purgatory if it means eventual contentment with God.

What am I doing wrong?

Many thanks.

 

[Christy_Beth]

You may not be doing anything wrong. Other than the sexual stuff. It’s easy to fall into a “dark night of the soul.” I,myself, went through a time like this. Of course, even after 17 years of being a Catholic, I’m not immune to them. You might look into counseling. Some of this may be from depression, which can be helped. But don’t settle on just any counselor. Sometimes you might have to “shop around” to find one who you can work with. And talk with your priest outside of the confessional. He can probably help you with some of this as well. Just remember, his time is precious, so he can’t talk with you as quickly, or as long, as you would like.

 

[juliamajor]

What you’re suffering from is depression and OCD. I had a similar experience many years ago(thank God). You have a psychiatric problem.Seek help -get a good therapist(those who can issue meds)
Do you feel like you can’t stop thinking terrible thoughts?
Do you feel like your thoughts are out of control or just coming at you too fast?
That’s OCD . It not only about handwashing and weird actions. Thoughts fall under it.
Cut yourself a break-give the pain of it all up to the Lord but seek help from a doctor-you aren’t doing anything wrong having no one to call a friend is a burden. You probably think you’re they only one in the world who feels this way. Trust me-you’re not.
You’re terrible horrible thoughts are a cry for help.
please take care of yourself.
Depression is not a moral failing.

 

[JRKH]

You have packed much into your post and I am sure you will receive many helpful replies.

You relate how you are lonely and friendless. You say that you are looking for community…
You ask “what am I doing wrong?”

I will ask a question in return…

Have you read your parish bulletin to see what ministries need help or what activities their are?
Have you called the parish house and asked (if there is nothing in the bulletin).
What about local charities that might need volunteers?

OK - this is more than one question…but you see the theme here.

Peace
James

 

[fred_conty]

My suggestion would be to get a target to aim at. Maybe schooling, another line of work, some sport, anything just to get you on your feet and doing. Frustration increases the liability of temptations. Think seriously about it, but don’t take too long. Just get going on something worth while.

You might also try to switch your train of thought from sin and what’s wrong to doing something good for God, youself, or someone else. Anything to break the ice would be helpful. Even starting off with something small. And as Mother Teresa said that if you can’t do something big then do something small with a big heart. Just don’t put it off… Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[juliamajor]

. Benedict Groschel and and my parish priest both both suggest to get well first and foremost.It’s difficult to think when you’re depressed, rational calm thinking is really not possible. Don’t hide from people but stick wit h those will lift you up.Try to regain a sense of humor and positive attitude if possible. . God is with physicians , for both physical or mental problems.
Everything in the spiritual realm we’ll come to fruition if you take care of yourself first.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

I will pray for you at evening prayers today. May God reveal to you the solution to your situation.

 

[chaplainmom]

It is interesting that you chose to convert to the Catholic faith. Something prompted you to do that. It takes a serious commitment to become a Catholic as an adult.

You communicate experiencing an apathetic depression - depression is NOT God’s will for our lives. Many Catholics can falsely idolize the “dark night of the soul” as something “good” to be achieved - like some kind of holiness award. This is not accurate. Our depressive moments in life, outside of chemical imbalances, are often linked to God denying us of our own self-centered ambitions.

If you converted to the Catholic faith hoping to receive something in return, like companionship, your motivations were for your own benefit. God blesses our efforts to give and serve without expecting anything in return.

My thoughts are 1) see a Christian counselor to obtain medication (only if needed) to treat any chemical imbalances - depression or OCD (if that is an accurate diagnoses for you). This takes humility and you have humility enough to ask for help. 2) continue to work with a counselor to heal sexual addictive tendencies and find your triggers. The sexual issues you described seem to bother you a lot and they seem to bring down your sense of self-worth. 3) get involved in a volunteer program that automatically imposes healthy boundaries and allows you to serve others - some ideas are: stocking shelves at a food pantry, walking dogs at the pound, picking up trash at your local park. These are all examples of volunteer activities that encourage you to focus outward instead of inward.

Contemplative prayer can turn into obsessive “navel gazing” for introverts. It sounds like you might need to make the effort to reach out to others more, thus gaining greater self-confidence and self-assurance. As you feel better about yourself, other people are more attracted to you and your companionship problems fade away. Go make the best of the life God’s given you. God Bless You, its not easy to take the first steps. Just know that the prayers of fellow Catholics go with you.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Great thread! Lots of great ideas!

One reason our trials, which constitute our personal crosses, are valuable is that they give us training and verification of increasing spiritual constitution, if done right.

We pay money to go to gyms, to have machines resist us. Working against these resistances, we build ourselves up to where we can even handle more resistance with ease.

Without resistance, we do not build up. Nor do we know how we would behave given a sudden onset of hardship.

So the value of hardship is to build and prove strength, flexibility, and mental, physical, and emotional agility.

Once when I was very sad I turned the computer on to repeat the New Testament over and over whether I was listening to it, sleeping, or whatever. It helped me; I don’t know if it would help you but it’s one thing to consider trying.

Keep the faith, that the hardship you suffer now “are as labor pains” to the new birth that will be the stronger you, to emerge.

MS

 

[MacQ]

I’m not sure if this is in the right place, and I don’t know if anyone here can help me, but I have to get this burden off of me. Please forgive me.

I know that life means actively taking up “your cross,” but I’ve been a Catholic for less than a year, and it has been utter, unrelenting turmoil in every respect. I am a 27-year-old man who just wants to be a “happy Catholic” with a purpose and zeal for the mission, but I have none. The clear path that lead me to become Catholic has left me completely, and I am in total directionless disarray. I have no friends. I am alone. I am lonely. Terribly lonely. I desire companionship and community. I am tortured day and night by sexual fetishes and desires (heterosexual, same-sex, fetishism, even pedophilia!) and have all the time in the world to linger around and fall into them. I am bored with life. Every week is the same old thing. I fall into grave sin (masturbation) every couple days, I go to Confession every couple days to confess the same sin over and over that I struggle with, and still often can’t take Communion for having fallen into the sin again before I even have a chance to. I go to Mass twice a week. I pray rosaries. I pray chaplets. All I do is pray.

What can I do? And I mean, really “do”? Where am I “needed?”

Nothing is working. I feel bored and directionless, like I’m just stumbling along waiting for God to just tell me what to do with myself. Everything is a “cross.” My loneliness is a “cross.” My sexuality is a “cross.” My directionlessness is a “cross.” My desire even to be a good Christian is a “cross.” I have no joy. I feel like God wants to deprive me of even the good and meaningful things in life (family, commitments, companionship…). I know I should seek “only” Him… but I am just bored with life and living doesn’t seem worth it. I want someone to share the journey with. If He wants me for Himself alone and doesn’t want anything else for me, then why doesn’t He just put me to rest already? What’s my purpose here? I’ve prayed for death. I’ll take the lowest, most painful part of Purgatory if it means eventual contentment with God.

What am I doing wrong?

Many thanks.

Do you have a job? If not, get one.
If you can’t get one, go to school.
If you can’t do that, take on some volunteer work.

The theme here is get busy out there among other people.

 

[Mark86]

I want to thank you all individually for taking time out to offer such good and edifying advice and that I really appreciate you and thank God for you all, for putting in your hearts such compassion.

I’d like to find a catholic spiritual director, but apparently that’s very hard to do as I’ve come to find out just by reading about how to do it online. I know I have various psychological issues, and I often fall into a habit of thinking God will eliminate them. See, the problem with me is I’ve always been very introverted like that and I thought that “going to church” would be the changeable thing and everything else in my life would stay the same. I had this expectation that nothing else would be needed. There was God in the Eucharist. There is the Sacraments. What else would I need to do with myself? “Isn’t that enough?”

But I’m finding out that when God draws you in, He makes it very clear that it’s not enough for you to just be receiving him in such a passive kind of way. Apparently you don’t get to “live the commandments” and still get to live a completely isolated life with your own thoughts like I have been living. God makes it clear that he made us for one another, without which it is impossible to live to commandments, and without living the commandments, you divorce yourself from the Eucharist. So perhaps I need to think about volunteering.

When I think about the Saints, like St. Paul, he didn’t just have the Eucharist. He had a productive life on the outside too, and the two enriched each other. Most Catholics seem to have productive lives going on already. I guess I’m kind of the reverse. I have all the time in the world to go to Mass and do all this that I do, but I have nothing productive to do once that’s all done. These two things are apparently necessary. So I wonder that in my typical “over-thinking it” way, if God is permitting such things to befall me to provoke me to “movement.”

I don’t know, but I do know that I’m going to be looking into volunteer opportunities. You’ve all given some good suggestions. I also suffer with social anxiety, so that also makes it worse. And yes, I do have a job working with mentally disabled, which I do see as a blessing.

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[JRKH]

Glad our (name removed by moderator)ut was of help. God did indeed make us for one another. This is why Jesus established a community (Ekklesia = Church). So that we might support one another. We may not always be very good at it, but that is it’s purpose.

This is not to say that there are not those who ARE called to a life of solitude, the hermit or those called to the cloistered life…but these are few and even these will often have a community for support.

I am very glad to hear you are going to seek out volunteer opportunities. Our parishes are chronically short in these areas and I am sure God will put you where he needs you and where you can grow.

Thanks for your prayers. I pray for God to bless you as you move forward in His grace.

Peace
James

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I
But I’m finding out that when God draws you in, He makes it very clear that it’s not enough for you to just be receiving him in such a passive kind of way. Apparently you don’t get to “live the commandments” and still get to live a completely isolated life with your own thoughts like I have been living. God makes it clear that he made us for one another, without which it is impossible to live to commandments, and without living the commandments, you divorce yourself from the Eucharist.

Most Catholics seem to have productive lives going on already. I guess I’m kind of the reverse. I have all the time in the world to go to Mass and do all this that I do, but I have nothing productive to do once that’s all done.

I love how you put it in the 1st paragraph above. So true.

I suggest you don’t obsess about this, but pray about it and be patient. He will show you what He wants from you. You will find your place. Also, let’s not forget that prayer is extremely productive. Sometimes praying is the best thing we can do for this world, so don’t dismiss it as something inferior to working with people.

It is wonderful that you are committed to being in the state of grace and that you go to confession whenever you fall. I understand how frustrating this situation is, but give your struggle over to God and believe that change is possible.

Hope this helps. God bless!

 

[MacQ]

I want to thank you all individually for taking time out to offer such good and edifying advice and that I really appreciate you and thank God for you all, for putting in your hearts such compassion.

I’d like to find a catholic spiritual director, but apparently that’s very hard to do as I’ve come to find out just by reading about how to do it online. I know I have various psychological issues, and I often fall into a habit of thinking God will eliminate them. See, the problem with me is I’ve always been very introverted like that and I thought that “going to church” would be the changeable thing and everything else in my life would stay the same. I had this expectation that nothing else would be needed. There was God in the Eucharist. There is the Sacraments. What else would I need to do with myself? “Isn’t that enough?”

But I’m finding out that when God draws you in, He makes it very clear that it’s not enough for you to just be receiving him in such a passive kind of way. Apparently you don’t get to “live the commandments” and still get to live a completely isolated life with your own thoughts like I have been living. God makes it clear that he made us for one another, without which it is impossible to live to commandments, and without living the commandments, you divorce yourself from the Eucharist. So perhaps I need to think about volunteering.

When I think about the Saints, like St. Paul, he didn’t just have the Eucharist. He had a productive life on the outside too, and the two enriched each other. Most Catholics seem to have productive lives going on already. I guess I’m kind of the reverse. I have all the time in the world to go to Mass and do all this that I do, but I have nothing productive to do once that’s all done. These two things are apparently necessary. So I wonder that in my typical “over-thinking it” way, if God is permitting such things to befall me to provoke me to “movement.”

I don’t know, but I do know that I’m going to be looking into volunteer opportunities. You’ve all given some good suggestions. I also suffer with social anxiety, so that also makes it worse. And yes, I do have a job working with mentally disabled, which I do see as a blessing.

I’ll be praying for you.

I’ll be praying for you too!!!