What Am I Doing Wrong?

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lovedance4ever

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I have literally reached my limit of what I can handle. I cannot even begin to describe how helpless I feel…it seems as though things will never get better and that they will only continue to head downhill.

I have been virtually friendless since I was ten years old. This is no exaggeration. For some reason, I have always been the target, the one that everyone liked to stalk, pick on, etc. And mind you, things got physical and frightening for me and my parents. By the time I was sixteen, I did not want to live anymore and begged God to take me and let me be with Him.

Every year, my mother told me that “things will get better.” When I was in middle school, high school was supposed to be better, and when I was in high school, college was going to make an immense difference in my life. Well, I am a junior in college, and everything is basically the same. My weekends consist of reading, and finding activities to do on my own. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has asked me to hang out in my lifetime. Loneliness, my friends, is praying to God that summer will go by quickly so that school will return and take up your empty hours.

What is it that puts people off? What on earth have I always been doing wrong? Please do not take me as someone who mopes around all the time; I know I must seem like a negative person by what I post on these forums, but in everyday life, I try my best to act positive and friendly. I keep it all inside, and make a real effort to hide the pain. I am basically an outcast at school…oh, and even at the gym, to make life even better! Lately, there are these two girls who love to make me feel awful for no apparent reason. And to make matters worse, one of them looks like a horrible bully from my childhood, which brings back horrific memories.

I am sorry if it seems like I am constantly complaining on here, but I feel as if this is the only place where I can write my true feelings. Please pray for me…I do not know how much more I can handle. It’s eating away at me, and I have nowhere else to turn. Also, I’d very much appreciate advice. Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted? Why do some people have life-long, fantastic friendships, and others do not? Why me? Why not the girl next door?

Not that I’d wish these feelings on anyone else. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
 
lovedance4ever said:
Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted? Why do some people have life-long, fantastic friendships, and others do not? Why me? Why not the girl next door?

Not that I’d wish these feelings on anyone else. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
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Without looking up your past posts and trying to get a better idea of how you view/react to situations that come up, I can’t say for sure. As I read this particular post, I wondered why it is you feel the need to hope for a change in those around you. There is no way to convenience a bully to become a saint. You can pray for them, but don’t tie yourself in knots if they don’t change… it’s their problem, not yours.

Next, don’t whine. No one enjoys being around someone who is always down in the dumps. I know that you say that you aren’t that way on a day-to-day basis, but I’d say to make every effort to never be like that. Instead of worrying about those around you, work more on being happy and positive. You can only make changes in your own life so don’t waste your time trying to fix others. I know… it’s easier to say than do… BUT, get involved in groups and organizations outside of just the gym. Does your campus have a Newman Center? What about groups like Theology on Tap?

I don’t know how much help this post has been, but I’ll say a prayer for you. Hang in there.
 
I can’t remember from your other posts, but do you see a regular counsellor? I think, if we take your posts at face value, that you need a bit more professional help than can be offered on internet forums.

Also, it may be that you have some social issues that you are unaware of and that inhibit your capacity to interact with peers in a typical manner. As an example, some people who may be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum may not be aware of their own social inhibitions and wonder why it is hard to make friends easily.

Or, there are certain psychologican conditions in which you interpret others behaviours towards you in an overly negative manner. Is the girl at the gym really picking on you, or are you disposed to interpret some common social interactions in a negative manner?

These are the sorts of questions/issues that a professional counsellor could properly explore with you. I’m not saying they are at the heart of it, but certainly some professional help seems appropriate.

Keep in mind most people don;t go to the gym to socialise. I don’t. I’m polite to other people, offer advice when asked or I’m concerned about someone potentially injuring themselves, but generally just keep my head down, lift heavy and go.

Something like Theology on Tap, as suggested by the previous poster, is more appropriate. Social groups based around faith are more likely to be inclusive and accomodating for people who may be more socially awkward. Participating in local charities is also a great way to meet likeminded and non-judgemental people.
 
You need to talk to a counselor. Strangers on the internet are unlikely to be able to diagnose whatever issues you might be dealing with.

The only advice I can give is to stay positive and stay close to God. I was bullied and lonely as a child as well but was always optimistic that the future would be better. It was, although not always as much as I would like.
 
You are doing nothing wrong. Remember that Jesus said that you are not of this world and the world will revile you. I too have been feeling this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I too have not had many friends in life. Whenever I join a group there always seems to be a group of women that joins and specifically excludes me. It is painful and I do not believe it is the extreme that you have experienced.

I have been in prayer about this a lot recently. I went to Medjugorje in April and I have a peace within me that has helped. First, be aware that the enemy has many traps. One is a spirit of magnification. He makes you see the world not as it really is but magnifies these feelings of unworthiness and loneliness. I have been praying a lot asking Mary to help me see the world the way it truly is and through her eyes and the eyes of her Son.

I also have realized that when I give my weaknesses to the devil, he plays with these weaknesses and makes me weaker. Remember that in my weakness, Jesus’ power is strong. You must turn to Our Lady and Jesus in these times of negative thoughts and say I will not accept these thoughts, they are not from God. Jesus I Trust in You.

Have you been to Confession recently? I go at least once a month and sometimes twice a month. I find that I do not trust in Jesus and God as I should. I feel like I need earthly friends when in reality it is Jesus who is calling me to be His close friend. How about Eucharistic Adoration? I try and spend at least a half hour a week with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I think you will find your answers there. Do you pray the rosary? As I have really been tormented recently with these negative thoughts, I have turned to the rosary in prayer giving my all to Mary asking for her intercession. This has been very instrumental in calming my thoughts and I feel a sense of peace and calmness come over me.

Have faith and be strong. Meditate on these feelings of loneliness and see when the Lord felt this way. As I have done this, I have seen Jesus as He is condemned. He stands before the Judges alone. His friend have abandoned Him and He must face this trial alone. Yet his Mother is close by watching and suffering with Him. Mary your mother is near. I know this to be true. Turn to her and ask for her motherly love to help you see her Son more clearly.

I will be praying for you. Have you ever heard of the book “Poem of the Man God” You can find more information about this at valtorta.org. How about Immaculee Illibageza? Google Mary Rose Ferron and look up her story. There are so many people who have experienced these trials and have come out victoriously through Christ. You are not alone! God loves you!!!

Dear Mother Mary Queen of Peace take this child of yours and place your loving mantle around him/her and give him/her the peace the world can not give. Protect your child from the evil one and help your child to know your Son who is the Truth, the Light and the Way.

All of my love,
BVMMYFRIEND (Blessed Virgin Mary My Friend)
lovedance4ever said:
I have literally reached my limit of what I can handle. I cannot even begin to describe how helpless I feel…it seems as though things will never get better and that they will only continue to head downhill.

I have been virtually friendless since I was ten years old. This is no exaggeration. For some reason, I have always been the target, the one that everyone liked to stalk, pick on, etc. And mind you, things got physical and frightening for me and my parents. By the time I was sixteen, I did not want to live anymore and begged God to take me and let me be with Him.

Every year, my mother told me that “things will get better.” When I was in middle school, high school was supposed to be better, and when I was in high school, college was going to make an immense difference in my life. Well, I am a junior in college, and everything is basically the same. My weekends consist of reading, and finding activities to do on my own. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has asked me to hang out in my lifetime. Loneliness, my friends, is praying to God that summer will go by quickly so that school will return and take up your empty hours.

What is it that puts people off? What on earth have I always been doing wrong? Please do not take me as someone who mopes around all the time; I know I must seem like a negative person by what I post on these forums, but in everyday life, I try my best to act positive and friendly. I keep it all inside, and make a real effort to hide the pain. I am basically an outcast at school…oh, and even at the gym, to make life even better! Lately, there are these two girls who love to make me feel awful for no apparent reason. And to make matters worse, one of them looks like a horrible bully from my childhood, which brings back horrific memories.

I am sorry if it seems like I am constantly complaining on here, but I feel as if this is the only place where I can write my true feelings. Please pray for me…I do not know how much more I can handle. It’s eating away at me, and I have nowhere else to turn. Also, I’d very much appreciate advice. Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted? Why do some people have life-long, fantastic friendships, and others do not? Why me? Why not the girl next door?

Not that I’d wish these feelings on anyone else. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
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C?a hÃng em m?i khai truong, nh?p r?t nhi?u di?n tho?i c?a dònghtc v?i ch?t lu?ng cao nhu htc one x, htc one. Anh ch? nÃo có nhu c?u s?m cho mình m?t con r? d?ng c?p thì hãy liên h? nh?n du?c giá t?t nh?t
 
Bless you, poor lonely girl - it can change quite unexpectedly, you know. It did for me.

I was once told by a counsellor that when one is victimized as a child, one’s body language can broadcast this, and people subconsciously pick up on your signals and carry on the abuse.

Body language is a subtle thing that some people can read easily - one mugger said he only chose vulnerable people, and he talked about their body language just walking at night.

I pray that things change soon for you, and you find people who are worth knowing, who will love you just as you are.
 
I can count on my hand how many true friends i have now, and i was alittle like you when i was younger, problem with me is i didn’t follow the crowd so had little friends who i had things in common with.
My true friendship came in the form of four legs and a tail! 🙂 And my belief that christ was always by my side. I, and i’m sure you will to, grew in confidence and realised i could go places by myself, so not to isolate myself, but to be able to experience life and enjoy it and apperciate it.
The gym isn’t a great place to meet people, like one of the other posters said, i go to the gym, but its not to meet people, its to relieve stress and focus on fitness!
Maybe you could try some kind of volunteer work that you might enjoy, there you get to meet others with the same interests, and possibly friends.
Best not to worry about it, just be yourself, keep positive and things will change.
God bless:)
 
lovedance4ever said:
I have literally reached my limit of what I can handle. I cannot even begin to describe how helpless I feel…it seems as though things will never get better and that they will only continue to head downhill.

I have been virtually friendless since I was ten years old. This is no exaggeration. For some reason, I have always been the target, the one that everyone liked to stalk, pick on, etc. And mind you, things got physical and frightening for me and my parents. By the time I was sixteen, I did not want to live anymore and begged God to take me and let me be with Him.

Every year, my mother told me that “things will get better.” When I was in middle school, high school was supposed to be better, and when I was in high school, college was going to make an immense difference in my life. Well, I am a junior in college, and everything is basically the same. My weekends consist of reading, and finding activities to do on my own. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has asked me to hang out in my lifetime. Loneliness, my friends, is praying to God that summer will go by quickly so that school will return and take up your empty hours.

What is it that puts people off? What on earth have I always been doing wrong? Please do not take me as someone who mopes around all the time; I know I must seem like a negative person by what I post on these forums, but in everyday life, I try my best to act positive and friendly. I keep it all inside, and make a real effort to hide the pain. I am basically an outcast at school…oh, and even at the gym, to make life even better! Lately, there are these two girls who love to make me feel awful for no apparent reason. And to make matters worse, one of them looks like a horrible bully from my childhood, which brings back horrific memories.

I am sorry if it seems like I am constantly complaining on here, but I feel as if this is the only place where I can write my true feelings. Please pray for me…I do not know how much more I can handle. It’s eating away at me, and I have nowhere else to turn. Also, I’d very much appreciate advice. Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted? Why do some people have life-long, fantastic friendships, and others do not? Why me? Why not the girl next door?

Not that I’d wish these feelings on anyone else. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
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I hear you. Really. Nobody who hasn’t been through this ‘gets’ it. Hang in there. Things WILL get better.

But I see some people have friended you here!
 
lovedance4ever said:
I have literally reached my limit of what I can handle. I cannot even begin to describe how helpless I feel…it seems as though things will never get better and that they will only continue to head downhill.

I have been virtually friendless since I was ten years old. This is no exaggeration. For some reason, I have always been the target, the one that everyone liked to stalk, pick on, etc. And mind you, things got physical and frightening for me and my parents. By the time I was sixteen, I did not want to live anymore and begged God to take me and let me be with Him.

Every year, my mother told me that “things will get better.” When I was in middle school, high school was supposed to be better, and when I was in high school, college was going to make an immense difference in my life. Well, I am a junior in college, and everything is basically the same. My weekends consist of reading, and finding activities to do on my own. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has asked me to hang out in my lifetime. Loneliness, my friends, is praying to God that summer will go by quickly so that school will return and take up your empty hours.

What is it that puts people off? What on earth have I always been doing wrong? Please do not take me as someone who mopes around all the time; I know I must seem like a negative person by what I post on these forums, but in everyday life, I try my best to act positive and friendly. I keep it all inside, and make a real effort to hide the pain. I am basically an outcast at school…oh, and even at the gym, to make life even better! Lately, there are these two girls who love to make me feel awful for no apparent reason. And to make matters worse, one of them looks like a horrible bully from my childhood, which brings back horrific memories.

I am sorry if it seems like I am constantly complaining on here, but I feel as if this is the only place where I can write my true feelings. Please pray for me…I do not know how much more I can handle. It’s eating away at me, and I have nowhere else to turn. Also, I’d very much appreciate advice. Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted? Why do some people have life-long, fantastic friendships, and others do not? Why me? Why not the girl next door?

Not that I’d wish these feelings on anyone else. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
Click to expand...
He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction, he addeth his mercy,
To multiplied trials, his multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed before the day is half done,
When we have reached the end of our stored resources,
Our fathers full giving has only begun.

His love has no limit,
His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary know unto man,
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

“It’s only in times of suffering where charity, humility, poverty in spirit and temperance are learned.”

Mathew 5:1-12

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10** Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.**

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Draw strength from this, when we share in Christs sufferings and hardships, we will also share in his glory. Just hang in their and stay the course, don’t ever think of ending it short, everyone of us has the opportunity of making such a huge difference for someone elses life through Christs love and mercy, you never know when you will be given such an opportunity.

If you click on my profile, you should find a list of “katya’s short books” if you read them they will give you much comfort.

God Bless You.

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I have been there in my life.
It makes it even worse when people tell you to suck it up, or ignore it, or to stop whining. It feels like they are just ignoring your pain because it’s inconvenient or messy or unpleasant. I am sorry for all the times people have said these things to you.
You have been victimized repeatedly. You can’t just filter it out or ignore it. Maybe you were super sensitive as a kid (so was I - and there is NO shame in it). Maybe you were predisposed to it by some quirk of body language or tone … Who knows. But you’re here and it’s a living hell. And it doesn’t end.
All the solutions in the world will not help until you get help. You need a counselor. You need a therapist. You may need medication. This isn’t because it’s your fault or something is wrong with you. It’s because repeated victimization has primed your brain chemistry to operate in fight-or-flight mode, and that’s changed the balance of chemicals in your brain. You can get help to change it back.
Then, once it’s changed, or on the way to it, you can take an honest stock of what to do, under the guidance of a therapist.
I second all the religious recommendations as well. Mary has been a Good Mother to me at the times I needed her the most. Jesus is a friend to those in trial. But in prayer, don’t mistake Jesus’s kinship to your suffering for His desire to make you suffer. He does not want you to suffer. He wants you to have life, and abundantly.
You are in my prayers.
 
You sure have a hard time. And of course your mom tell you that it will be better as time go by, she just forget to tell you that you have to do something about it. As you know from previus answers you don’t do anything wrong. (And yes, you have all right in the world to whine, I would.) But don’t lose faith. You know, taking a aspirin will cure your pain, but what did cause it? I think that you are a very special person. You have courage to write about your problems, and talk about them a home.

So what should you do next? We all need friends, and sometimes we don’t need any enemies if we have enough of good friends. I am absolutely sure there is one person who want to be your friend. Search for that person, and do keep in mind that school is more about learning then getting friends for life. If there is time, get involved in some charity events, find a place in our local Church and help out there. There really are numerous things you can do to help your self, and and help others.

When I was in school I was bullied, big time, and that is why I can relate how you feel, and it is not easy. I had this one “good” friend, or so I thought. Getting older we had to change school, we have a different school “system” in Europe, but I think you grasp what I mean. First day after summer holiday I did walk up to him and he told me that he don’t really want the other kids to find out that we are friends, then he also might get bullied! I felt a inch tall and did find a other place in the room to sit. First I was sad, then I was angry and then I was lost. He was always the “popular” guy, and I had put my hope in by being his best friend I would not get bullied. For a month or so I just let everything happen as it did, but then I thought, "heck, I am here to learn, and friends I can find on the way up the ladder. Yes, I was bullied, and it was not nice, but I did get many good friends outside the school, friends I still have and value highly. So, do the best you can in school, and keep focused on what you want to study when school is done, and make friends because I know that there are friends for you as well as there was friends for me.

When I look back at those days I find many good memories, not all, but most of them tough, and so will you, it will take some time, but you will. And you will laugh at some of them when you realize how stupid those bullies was, and I don’t think God will be angry that you laugh at stupid people. You will win, just wait and see. And how to get friends? Try this one. Go and watch a ball-game, soccer or football or baseball, what ever, and talk to the nearest person there is. Comment the game, but be carefull, try to find out wich team is his/hers favorite, I know it is easy to say, but that work. And you have more friends then you think you have, all people on this forum are your friends, in a way. And I am your friend.
 
Falco said:
Bless you, poor lonely girl - it can change quite unexpectedly, you know. It did for me.

I was once told by a counsellor that when one is victimized as a child, one’s body language can broadcast this, and people subconsciously pick up on your signals and carry on the abuse.

Body language is a subtle thing that some people can read easily - one mugger said he only chose vulnerable people, and he talked about their body language just walking at night.

I pray that things change soon for you, and you find people who are worth knowing, who will love you just as you are.
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Interesting I’ve never heard that. I’ve always thought I just had the word victim stamped on my forehead. Being bullied quite badly as a kid and having gone through what the origianal poster has I can say it does stay with you . While I got over my social phobias by getting out there and joining groups I’ve never really made any close friendships. I’ve tried but people don’t seem interested so I can say that while I have many acquaintances I have no friends persay. I’ve had many people try to abuse or take advantage of me but I put a stop to it right away now. I’ve gained the ability to shut folks down when they try it. I still like my space though maybe this shows through in my body language. It’s something to think about anyway.

To the OP don’t loose hope I’ve been ther done that and am still enduring some of what you are going through. Check out meetup.com is a social site full of clubs on everything from hiking to dancing to just social networking. Even Travel. Get out there and keep yourself busy. Meeting people and interacting socially will give you confidence. It will be hard at first but anything good in life take chance and lot of work. Keep trying it will eventually get easier. You may not make a ton of friends or maybe you will but at the very least you’ll gain persective.
 
A lot of quiet people including myself have gone through much of what you describe.

I agree with the suggestion to get counseling if you are feeling down.

Other than that I would suggest:
  1. Stay close to God. Sometimes I look back on all the trials I have had in life and I am so glad that I never “let go” and stopped going to Mass. I think that is what pulled me through some tough times.
  2. Look at other groups. You mentioned “the gym”. If you are not happy there, then look for a different group. The difference can be dramatic if you find the right group. You can go from being tolerated to being celebrated if you find the right match.
One type of group that welcomes a lot of quiet people who were picked on is the martial arts.

Or you might have another interest.

Also, keep working on improving. Over time you will learn principles to live bye that will pay dividends.

Good luck
 
I am sorry that you feel that way. I felt much the same in high school, and even some in college. A few things I did - look into counseling at student health. It will likely be free or low cost. I found some new organizations to join. I joined a service group at college that made a world of difference to me. Because it was a service group, they were nice people to start with, and it carried over into the group’s social activities. Maybe you can find some new places to hang out.
 
Could someone please tell me why, when there are 100 members at the gym, I am the one who is targeted?
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Don’t you have to ask yourself what is wrong with those people? Imagine the kind of person who feels the NEED to attack. By far, the more pathetic.

Kind and happy people don’t do this.
 
Keep in mind, too, many people don’t have “lots and lots of friends.” Many people have one or two close friends, and general acquaintances they may get together with because of shared interest (mom’s groups, book clubs, charity organizations, etc).
 
Strangers are bullying you at the gym? If this is true, have you reported it to gym management? If other patrons are harassing, harming or intimidating you, it needs to be addressed. The management should be willing to step in and handle abusive customers.

Or could it be that you taking things personally that are not really personal? I have been a member of probably 6 gyms over 20 years, and while of course it is always true that some people are rude and unfriendly, I have never seen anyone be bullied in a gym environment. Could you be taking someone’s lack of overt friendliness as a personal dig?

If you’ve never been able to maintain meaningful friendships, you need some professional help. People from all walks of life, with all different personalities and interests maintain friendships. It’s a basic human skill and need. If you lack the skills to meet this need, there are people that can help you! Professional psycholgists that specialize in social anxiety and interpersonal skills can aid you in rebuilding your confidence, learning social norms, and shedding the idea that you are the habitual victim of the whole world’s bullying. Please seek professional help. A good cognitive-behavioral therapist can work with you to actually re-learn how to meet people and build healthy relationships so that you can start enjoying life more.
 
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