What am i supposed to do

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ViVi610

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I moved over a year ago and have visited with three catholic churches…i dont like any of them. I know its bad but i dont like going to mass. i have a child and as a new member i feel people look down on me. also as a minority i dont feel welcome. the first church i joined i went for about six months but never really felt like i fit in.

i know im supposed to go to church and confession and get my daughter baptized. but i really really dont feel welcome at church and dont know what i can do. I try evening saturday mass but nothing. I used to go to church without a problem. but now i really dont want to go.

What can I do?
 
Going to Mass on Sunday and Holy days is not a social occasion. It is an obligation that concerns your relationship with Gd. And, the Mass is the same in one Catholic Church as it is in another. The only difference is the sermons, or the language used in ethnic parishes.
Why not go to the rectory of each church and make an appointment to meet with a priest? Tell him exactly what you have set forth here, explaining what your reservations are. I am quite sure he will help you.
If you are still uncomfortable, try another Parish. I know it is not convenient being a mother and all, but don’t let that be a cop-out for you. Your immortal soul is at risk!
In the meantime, you might ask the Lord for guidance in your daily prayers.
Gd Bless!
 
Sweet Viv, I wish I could sit beside you and love you back into those good feelings about Mass, but I think Jesus wants to more than me.

It’s Christ that calls and compels us there more than anything else. I’m a convert, and my first years at my church I sat alone with my son. My husband and daughter weren’t interested in being there, just my son and I.

The parish wasn’t welcoming at all, perhaps because they didn’t know who I was. It took some perseverance on my part. Actually, I joined the prayer group and did some volunteering and I think that’s what God wanted me to do. I grew in faith and in fellowship.

Now, 15 years later, I’m almost too busy at the church, really, and I do my best to be welcoming to those people I see struggling or new at our parish. The Holy Spirit guides you to those people, I’m sure. It’s happened to me a lot.

My priest wisely tells me all the time, (AND I’M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER) that faith is NOT about feelings. Feelings just get you into trouble.

So George is right, and his corrective statements are to remind you about obedience.

Hang in there! and Peace…
 
Try volunteering. Usually, there’s a women’s group or guild. May be too old for you but see what is offered. They can always uses CCD teachers if you have the time…probably not. 🙂
 
Vivi,
I have gone to Mass for 18 years with my children alone. I’m not the only one! It is very sad that so many fathers don’t go… OTOH, I also know that many families split their Mass attendance so that one parent will be home with small children.

Catholics are there to visit God, as I tell my children, so it often takes longer to “be welcomed” as occurs in Protestant churches. But i am a bit of a flake 😉 and will sometimes strike up conversations myself with others, esp mothers at Mass alone! So many people who said a word or two encouraged me, so I try to encourage others, even if it’s just with a smile.

Now that I have been attending my church for 6 years, where I started meeting people by hanging out at CCD and helping clean up after after-Mass parish or CCD events, i know a lot of people and they know me, except we rarely know each others’ names… But we are very friendly! And I finally break down and admit I don’t know their name and then they laugh and tell me they don’t know mine either 🙂

So carry on! It’s harder when you’re a mother, esp attending Mass solo, but it will happen!

Btw, I’d pick the church with the best CCD program, that way you will be set when your child is older, unless everything changes…

Annie, mother of 4
 
Could you email one of the priests, and ask if there is a local parish with a predominately insert group here?

I know we have a HUGE church with a black population, many Spanish churches, and a polish congregation which meets in ours (they are catholic!)… but for the black or polish congregations, unless you knew the right person/looked in the right place, they’d be hard to find.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone…especially that part on feelings. I never really looked at attending Mass in that way. I know it’s not supposed to be a social event but it can be akward. One time for Easter, the priest even made a comment about all the “extra” people but not in a good way. I felt really unwelcome even though I had been attending for about two months prior. I would go to events afterwards to meet other parents but I will just try harder. Your comments gave me the strength to push through and keep going. I might check out one more church during the week.

That’s a good idea about emailing the priest. Maybe I can meet with him, I really need to do confession too 😊

Also, kind of random but is there a way I can get confirmed online? I was baptized Catholic and went to Catholic school but we ended up in public school (short on funds with college for older siblings) so I never was able to do it at the normal time.
 
ViVi610 said:
Thanks for the advice everyone…especially that part on feelings. I never really looked at attending Mass in that way. I know it’s not supposed to be a social event but it can be akward. One time for Easter, the priest even made a comment about all the “extra” people but not in a good way. I felt really unwelcome even though I had been attending for about two months prior. I would go to events afterwards to meet other parents but I will just try harder. Your comments gave me the strength to push through and keep going. I might check out one more church during the week.

That’s a good idea about emailing the priest. Maybe I can meet with him, I really need to do confession too 😊

Also, kind of random but is there a way I can get confirmed online? I was baptized Catholic and went to Catholic school but we ended up in public school (short on funds with college for older siblings) so I never was able to do it at the normal time.
Click to expand...
You cannot be confirmed online.
 
ViVi610 said:
Thanks for the advice everyone…especially that part on feelings. I never really looked at attending Mass in that way. I know it’s not supposed to be a social event but it can be akward. One time for Easter, the priest even made a comment about all the “extra” people but not in a good way. I felt really unwelcome even though I had been attending for about two months prior. I would go to events afterwards to meet other parents but I will just try harder. Your comments gave me the strength to push through and keep going. I might check out one more church during the week.

That’s a good idea about emailing the priest. Maybe I can meet with him, I really need to do confession too 😊

Also, kind of random but is there a way I can get confirmed online? I was baptized Catholic and went to Catholic school but we ended up in public school (short on funds with college for older siblings) so I never was able to do it at the normal time.
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Get on the stick, and you ought to be able to get into classes with other adults who will be confirmed in the spring. Sometimes this is done separately, but if the numbers aren’t high sometimes adults are prepared with the RCIA group. That has the advantage that it is a group of “new” people (almost by definition) and gets to be close-knit before the year is over. You may easily meet others who are dealing with many of the feelings that you are feeling.

Maybe such feelings “shouldn’t” be important, I can agree with that–they definitely can’t be allowed as an excuse for not meeting our religious obligations–but they are still very important in their own way. Feeling as if you belong means you are surrounded by people you will at least be able to come to trust, after all. The leaders of RCIA are also good ones to talk about your feelings of not feeling particularly welcomed or not knowing how to “fit in”. Sometimes the combination of being uprooted and not running into the right people on their good days and feeling a bit bashful about admitting something–that is, such as your daughter not being baptized and that you are not confirmed–it can be easy to feel as if you are on the outside looking in. If you have moved into an area where you don’t fit the “local” stereotype for some reason, that can add to it in a big way, particularly if the way you “don’t fit” is visible. It can make you self-conscious and it can make others self-conscious about approaching you without being offensive.

It is OK to say something to the RCIA leaders…not in an accusing way, but as a question about how one goes about becoming a “local”. Sometimes people in a parish can take it so much for granted that everyone is welcome that they don’t go to the trouble of acting outwardly welcoming! We all are prone to get caught up in our own little worlds, too, you know. At any rate, you never know until you ask. This is the kind of question that comes up in RCIA, so they ought to be ready for it…and may even have heard it many times before, alas. I think they’ll be good ones to talk to, because welcoming is what RCIA is all about.
 
Inego_de_Loyola said:
I think you mean bishop.
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A bishop is a priest, and anyway it does not have to be the bishop.

Can. 882 The ordinary minister of confirmation is a Bishop. A priest can also validly confer this sacrament if he has the faculty to do so, either from the general law or by way of a special grant from the competent authority.
 
I’m aware of the extraordinary circumstances by which a priest (Presbeterios) can perform the sacrament, but the ordinary minister is a bishop (Episcopos). While it is true that they have the same sacrament of orders, the distinction between deacons, priests, bishops, and popes has been around since the time of the apostles and is indeed a true and divinely ordained distinction.
 
Inego_de_Loyola said:
I’m aware of the extraordinary circumstances by which a priest (Presbeterios) can perform the sacrament, but the ordinary minister is a bishop (Episcopos). While it is true that they have the same sacrament of orders, the distinction between deacons, priests, bishops, and popes has been around since the time of the apostles and is indeed a true and divinely ordained distinction.
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The minister who ordinarily prepares the candidates is a priest: specifically, the candidate’s pastor. It ought to be stressed that this is the time of the year that such preparations typically begin, with an eye to having sufficient time to prepare candidates for confirmation either at the Easter Vigil or during the Easter Season.

The practical point is that if you were to approach your bishop for confirmation, he’d tell you to go to not just to any priest, but to your pastor, and when your pastor is satisfied that you are prepared and properly disposed, your pastor will present you to your bishop or, if the pastor has been given the faculty, will confer the sacrament himself under the circumstances specified by the bishop. That is how the faithful approach the sacraments conferred by the bishop, whether that is confirmation or Holy Orders…I mean to say: that while the bishop decides and the bishop confers the sacrament, the bishop nearly always has priests to whom he gives the office of preparing the candidates and presenting them to him.

It is typical for those seeking confirmation in later adulthood to NOT be in the same confirmation classes as those seeking confirmation while still in their teens. If the OP were to enter the Church at the Easter Vigil, it is almost certain that her pastor would confer the Sacrament of Confirmation. Otherwise, the pastor will see to it that she is prepared and then she would typically go to the cathedral to be confirmed with the other candidates who were not confirmed in their early adulthood.

In the end, though, the only way to know the route designated by a particular bishop is to approach one’s pastor and ask. That is in the pastor’s job description.

[PS The bishop may require that candidates for confirmation approach the pastor of their *territorial parish, rather than any parish of their choosing, but that is also something that any priest with the office of parochial pastor will know.]
 
EasterJoy said:
The minister who ordinarily prepares the candidates is a priest: specifically, the candidate’s pastor. It ought to be stressed that this is the time of the year that such preparations typically begin, with an eye to having sufficient time to prepare candidates for confirmation either at the Easter Vigil or during the Easter Season.

The practical point is that if you were to approach your bishop for confirmation, he’d tell you to go to not just to any priest, but to your pastor, and when your pastor is satisfied that you are prepared and properly disposed, your pastor will present you to your bishop or, if the pastor has been given the faculty, will confer the sacrament himself under the circumstances specified by the bishop. That is how the faithful approach the sacraments conferred by the bishop, whether that is confirmation or Holy Orders…I mean to say: that while the bishop decides and the bishop confers the sacrament, the bishop nearly always has priests to whom he gives the office of preparing the candidates and presenting them to him.

It is typical for those seeking confirmation in later adulthood to NOT be in the same confirmation classes as those seeking confirmation while still in their teens. If the OP were to enter the Church at the Easter Vigil, it is almost certain that her pastor would confer the Sacrament of Confirmation. Otherwise, the pastor will see to it that she is prepared and then she would typically go to the cathedral to be confirmed with the other candidates who were not confirmed in their early adulthood.

In the end, though, the only way to know the route designated by a particular bishop is to approach one’s pastor and ask. That is in the pastor’s job description.

[PS The bishop may require that candidates for confirmation approach the pastor of their *territorial
Click to expand...
parish, rather than any parish of their choosing, but that is also something that any priest with the office of parochial pastor will know.]

I even said that she should go to her priest to arrange her confirmation. All I was saying is that the ordinary minister of confirmation is a bishop. I don’t think we are disagreeing with each other on any point.
 
ViVi610 said:
I moved over a year ago and have visited with three catholic churches…i dont like any of them. I know its bad but i dont like going to mass. i have a child and as a new member i feel people look down on me. also as a minority i dont feel welcome. the first church i joined i went for about six months but never really felt like i fit in.

i know im supposed to go to church and confession and get my daughter baptized. but i really really dont feel welcome at church and dont know what i can do. I try evening saturday mass but nothing. I used to go to church without a problem. but now i really dont want to go.

What can I do?
Click to expand...
Technically, you are supposed to attend the parish that is closest to your residence. Whether you like it or not, that is the parish that is responsible for you as a Catholic and the one that you should approach for your sacraments like Baptism for your daughter and Confirmation for you. Which is the one that is closest? Mass isn’t necessarily about “liking” the format, it’s about growing closer to God through the Eucharist. Don’t let your conditions keep you away from Mass.
 
To be clear, I don’t have any problems with mass itself or the format.

Thanks for the help to everyone else. I really appreciate it.
 
Inego_de_Loyola said:
I even said that she should go to her priest to arrange her confirmation. All I was saying is that the ordinary minister of confirmation is a bishop. I don’t think we are disagreeing with each other on any point.
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I think you’re right…it was all clarification of the role of each, both the primary perogative of the bishop to confer confirmation and the supporting role typically given to pastors by their bishops, especially under the special circumstances of confirmation later in adulthood. I think we’re in total agreement.
 
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