What am I to do?

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Angelstar

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I’ve got a question that I know I should be going straight to a priest about, but I’m… well I’m scared to. So I’m posting it here:

My fiance (he is protestant) and I are not married, we have a son together, and of course we live together. It’s as if we are already married… we just aren’t.

I am very aware that we are wrong for what we do in living together and having premarital relations.

What I want to do is practice abstinance from now until we are married (which will be about a year from now). This brings up a lot of questions of how we can go about all of this. A few of them are: Am I allowed to live with him? Where do we sleep?

I don’t want to live separately until the wedding because we have our son. I certainly don’t want to be away from my baby and I definately don’t want to have my baby away from his daddy. But I want to do things right (kind of difficult to do once you’ve already messed it up).

It was always my position that I would save myself for the right man and until we were married. I accomplished half of that goal, but horribly blundered on the last part… I don’t know why I lost myself, I thought I was stronger than that. I am very ashamed of having failed myself and God (most especially)… I just want to make things right, but I have no clue where to start and how its all going to work.

I’m feeling pretty lost. I apprehensive about talking to my fiance about any of this but I definately want be true to my convictions. Just because I failed and fell off the horse, doesn’t mean I can’t try again… I might be covered in dust, it just means I need to try harder (quite true).

There is so much more to say about the situation and how I feel about it all but I’ll leave it at that…I’m just looking for some advice, maybe some encouragement.
 
I admire you for your intentions, and I’ll be praying for you.

You don’t have to live apart though it would be difficult to live as brother and sister until you marry, but that’s what you need to do. You boyfriend is Protestant so no doubt knows the scriptures that tell him pre-marital sex is wrong. You can’t sleep with him as that would be too painful a temptation for you both. I do hope and pray that your boyfriend will want to live God’s will enough, and loves you enough not to wish you to betray your conscience. It doesn’t sound easy to live as brother or sister or just housemates.
You can’t marry sooner than a year? I wish you could…?

For you own peace of mind when you choose to live as scripture requires, please do go to Confession. That will be a load off your mind and soul, and a new beginning.

I admire you and thank God, that you have this very positive attitude about not beating yourself up for betraying your principles…but instead wanting to make everything right. And I thank God for blessing you with your son. He loves you no matter what, and your little boy is proof of that.

I ask God to surround your little boy and you both with His grace, His light and love. I ask the angels to surround you all continually.
And Lord, please help Angelstar to find the best way to tell and discuss with her boyfriend.
 
Trishie said:
I admire you for your intentions, and I’ll be praying for you.

You don’t have to live apart though it would be difficult to live as brother and sister until you marry, but that’s what you need to do. You boyfriend is Protestant so no doubt knows the scriptures that tell him pre-marital sex is wrong. You can’t sleep with him as that would be too painful a temptation for you both. I do hope and pray that your boyfriend will want to live God’s will enough, and loves you enough not to wish you to betray your conscience. It doesn’t sound easy to live as brother or sister or just housemates.
You can’t marry sooner than a year? I wish you could…?

For you own peace of mind when you choose to live as scripture requires, please do go to Confession. That will be a load off your mind and soul, and a new beginning.

I admire you and thank God, that you have this very positive attitude about not beating yourself up for betraying your principles…but instead wanting to make everything right. And I thank God for blessing you with your son. He loves you no matter what, and your little boy is proof of that.

I ask God to surround your little boy and you both with His grace, His light and love. I ask the angels to surround you all continually.
And Lord, please help Angelstar to find the best way to tell and discuss with her boyfriend.
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Thank you for your post Trishie.

I guess I should add that it is a desire of mine to go to confession, live rightly and do penance, and be able to recieve the sacrament of the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the biggest thing on my mind… I know my soul needs the grace which is offered through the most Holy Sacrament and I can feel my soul longing for it. I can’t recieve the sacrament of penance and reconciliation and most certainly can’t receive Eucharist if I don’t first correct all that I’m doing wrong.

The other thing on my mind is how this change of living might prove to enhance our relationship by building in it a deeper sense of respect between the both of us (something which I sense would have developed, had we done things right to begin with). And I have no doubt that it’ll be theraputic for me on many levels.

I want so badly to go to my church and speak with one of the Preists or Deacons about this… but I need strength to do it… for this I’ve been praying the Rosary and I feel it helps. I think I’ll go in this Sunday… I’m still scared, though. I’m afraid of being looked down on and I’m afraid of what they might say.
 
Is there a particular reason you would have to wait a year to get married? Is there any way you could get married earlier?
 
I admire your intentions as well. I would also urge you to go to confession and maybe set up sleeping quarters in your son’s room for yourself. And I too wonder, why are you waiting so long to get married? You are in my prayers, my sister. I am a fallen woman who found her way Home so you have my undying support!
 
Why wait a year to get married? Do it ASAP-- your son deserves it. You can always have a party/reception/celebration later if you want to plan something big for family and friends!
 
I understand your hesitancy to talk with a priest. It is always difficult to admit our sins to others. I, too, have difficulty going to confession. But remember, the priest has heard much worse! If it is easier for you, go to a different parish for confession. (Though priests do not tend to remember the sins that they forgive – I have heard they are taught how to let go of them, mostly for their own spiritual health.)

I, too, would encourage you to marry sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more difficult abstaining will become.

Blessings to your family.

MJ
 
Angelstar said:
Thank you for your post Trishie.
I guess I should add that it is a desire of mine to go to confession, live rightly and do penance, and be able to recieve the sacrament of the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the biggest thing on my mind… I know my soul needs the grace which is offered through the most Holy Sacrament and I can feel my soul longing for it. I can’t recieve the sacrament of penance and reconciliation and most certainly can’t receive Eucharist if I don’t first correct all that I’m doing wrong.

The other thing on my mind is how this change of living might prove to enhance our relationship by building in it a deeper sense of respect between the both of us (something which I sense would have developed, had we done things right to begin with). And I have no doubt that it’ll be theraputic for me on many levels.

I want so badly to go to my church and speak with one of the Priests or Deacons about this… but I need strength to do it… for this I’ve been praying the Rosary and I feel it helps. I think I’ll go in this Sunday… I’m still scared, though. I’m afraid of being looked down on and I’m afraid of what they might say.
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Angelstar, I think that you have a good grasp on what your soul and your relationship needs.

But no, you won’t be looked down on. You don’t need to explain your situation to anyone other than your priest. But in any case, lots of people make wrong choices at some time in their lives and you are probably unlikely to know what specifically… but if someone, like you, has the courage and grace to wish and endeavour to correct their paths, this isn’t a cause to look down on them…but to rejoice.
:harp:
You know, I’m one of those people who walk down each day for Mass…but all I feel is gratitude and respect for you for your courage and good intentions.
 
smallcat said:
Why wait a year to get married? Do it ASAP-- your son deserves it. You can always have a party/reception/celebration later if you want to plan something big for family and friends!
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I was wondering about that…
 
Good for you for wanting to come back to the church and to “make things right”. So many of us have blundered as you said. Nobody is perfect and we are all sinners. Jesus forgives you when you repent 🙂

As others have said, you could live as brother and sister without relations until you are married. I also wonder why you can’t have a wedding sooner? I know it will be hard to discuss this all with your husband to be because he is used to living one way, and now you wish to make changes.

Also as others have said, priests have seen all different kinds of situation and yours isn’t uncommon! He will help you thought it.

God Bless
 
I am concerned about the pressures on you both and the possible sins that can come along, possible arguments and difficulties in your relationship over the period of a year. It is also important to protect your relationship for the sake of your child, and to avoid damage to your little family, as well as to rectify your situation and live in accordance with the Gospel and the Church.

I wonder. Would you consider a quiet, private marriage ceremony as soon as possible. And then in a year, have a public ceremony in which you both renew your vows and have present all those family and friends whom you wish to invite and then have the reception?

Regards, Trishie
 
Trishie said:
I wonder. Would you consider a quiet, private marriage ceremony as soon as possible. And then in a year, have a public ceremony in which you both renew your vows and have present all those family and friends whom you wish to invite and then have the reception?

Regards, Trishie
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I agree with this. But I have another question. If you did have a wedding or a ceremony or whatever, how would you explain why you are getting married after you are already living with his father to your son? I personally think it should be a low key semiprivate affair. (Only close family) I kind of think you missed the chance for a big wedding by doing everything backwards. I am not trying to say you are wrong or a bad person or anything like that, quite the contrary. I admire you for where you are and for waht you are doing now. But I do worry about how your son might be confused in everything that is going on with a wedding.
 
I can understand your apprehension of going to confession for this. I get nervous about confessing even venial sins.

When my DH and I were still engaged and went to our engaged encounter, I think we were one of the few couples there who were not already living together. It is sad but true that the majority of Catholic engaged couples are already living together and having sex. Your situation will not shock any priest. If anything I am sure the priest will be overjoyed that you are yearning to return home to the Catholic Church. I don’t think that going during regular confession hours is the thing to do in your situation, although it is certainly an option. I think that you should call your parish and set up an appointment with the priest, and that way you will have time to have a long and in-depth discussion with him about your whole situation–not just your sins, but also your current circumstances and your hopes to get married, etc. Also have you had your son baptized? If not, that is something to ask him about as well.

Have you discussed with your fiance the need to get married in the Catholic Church? You will at least need to complete some marriage prep requirements in the Church, and perhaps if he is unwilling, you could get a dispensation to get married in a protestant church instead.

God bless you and your family. I will say a prayer for you all.
 
Angelstar said:
A few of them are: Am I allowed to live with him? Where do we sleep?

I don’t want to live separately until the wedding because we have our son. I certainly don’t want to be away from my baby and I definately don’t want to have my baby away from his daddy. But I want to do things right (kind of difficult to do once you’ve already messed it up).
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Coninuing to live together prior to marrying would remain a pretty powerful temptation to continue, or fall back into mortal sin. However, by God’s grace it can be done – the two of you would really need to work on it through much prayer and perseverence in order to battle the constant temptations from Satan. At the very least you would want to sleep in separate beds.

Don’t think that because of your son you have to remain in the same household during this time. What an INCREDIBLY strong witness it would be to your son to keep two households during this time. Through honest explanation of mistakes and sins made, just think how much you would be truly practicing and witnessing to the Gospel of Christ by your actions (and not only to your son but even to others).

Finally, living apart for this time can do AMAZING things to help strengthen your relationship. It will give you time to focus more fully on, and build up more completely the spiritual aspect of your relationship without tarnishing it by continued sin or strong temptations thereof.

May the Holy Spirit be with you.
 
We still don’t know how old her son is. I’m guessing that he isn’t very old.

Although moving apart might be a strong witness for an older son, I doubt that it would make an impression upon a younger child (who wouldn’t even understand the concept of sexual sin yet.) On the contrary, I think moving apart would be disruptive to the child’s life (in the same way that a divorce would be) and I would avoid moving apart unless it is too difficult to abstain from sex when living together. (But there should be separate bedrooms, definitely.)

The child needs frequent contact with both his father and his mother to develop normally…
dcrowmik said:
Don’t think that because of your son you have to remain in the same household during this time. What an INCREDIBLY strong witness it would be to your son to keep two households during this time. Through honest explanation of mistakes and sins made, just think how much you would be truly practicing and witnessing to the Gospel of Christ by your actions (and not only to your son but even to others).
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My son is only a year old, so I think living apart would hurt him. We also couldn’t financially afford to live in separate households. Separate rooms will be something I’d have to figure out (our sofa may be the only option… comfy though).

As far as the wedding date… I’ve always had my heart set on being married in the Church I was baptized in, which is the same church my grandparents and great grandparents were married and maybe even baptized in (I have strong feelings about family). I was aiming for October of this year but availability might push it back to between February or March… but I am working on getting an earlier date. It’s also a matter of expense, whether the wedding is big or small we’re looking at the same issue of actually having money (if people show up they generally expect food to follow). But I had been thinking about it and though it may be difficult to go through an entire year… I think it may do us good. My thought behind that is… it’ll be like an added penance… and we’ll be forced to find other ways for our relationship to grow and then once we are married it’ll make our wedding night and the relationship to follow that much more… I can’t find the word, but I imagine my feelings about it will be that I won’t feel shame and that God will bless us for every time we renew our marriage covenant by helping our relationship to grow… and maybe even help our family to grow.

My fiancé is not against being married in the Catholic Church and he’s in favor of our children being raised Catholic… I’m not sure I completely understand his views on religion (he seems a bit indifferent to it) but I’m hoping I can gently encourage him to study a little bit about Catholicism. I would, after all, expect him to know and understand what his children are being taught, spiritually.

If I missed answering a few questions, I’m sorry I’m in a bit of a hurry but I’ll read through again later. Thank you, everyone, I find your suggestions very helpful. And thank you also for the encouragement.
 
ack said:
We still don’t know how old her son is. I’m guessing that he isn’t very old.

Although moving apart might be a strong witness for an older son, I doubt that it would make an impression upon a younger child (who wouldn’t even understand the concept of sexual sin yet.) On the contrary, I think moving apart would be disruptive to the child’s life (in the same way that a divorce would be) and I would avoid moving apart unless it is too difficult to abstain from sex when living together. (But there should be separate bedrooms, definitely.)

The child needs frequent contact with both his father and his mother to develop normally…
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Even if the son is very small, in later years he would learn the story – that would leave a very strong impression on him. The parents would be living in separate households but they would presumably not be totally away from each other and would assumably have frequent contact.
 
Both of you will need to heed the diocese’s and parish’s marriage preparation requirements. The pastor is supposed to ensure that both partners, whether Catholic or not, understand the concept of the sacrament and are mature enough as a couple.

If you haven’t even communicated your desires about abstaining to your fiance yet, this says something about the level of communication in your relationship. My suggestion is that you privately meet with your pastor (make an appointment – don’t just talk with him a minute or two after a Sunday Mass). Then talk with your fiance, and ask him to meet with you and the pastor together.
 
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