What are "normal" problems in marriage?

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Finella

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Hi…

I always hear about the “ups and downs” of marriage. But what are normal problems and what kind should be taken more seriously?

How do you know if your marriage is stable enough to be good parents?

I am going through a rough patch with my hubby. Our communication, for lack of a better word, sucks. We argue and bicker and never seem to get our point across. Most of the time in the larger arguments we find out later that we were on the same side the whole time.

I don’t feel comfortable talking with my husband anymore because I feel like it will just lead to more hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

We have been married for 5 years, don’t have any children, and have already tried counselling. We both agree that we made a mistake getting married.(we were too young and hadn’t dated long enough). But we also feel it is something that can be improved with commitment…neither of us believes divorce is ever an option.

So, what about children? Is it right to bring them into a situation that is already unstable and sometimes even hostile?

Things have improved greatly in 5 years and hopefully we will get to the point where we can say that we have a loving, happy marriage.

I just want to hear from others about their marriages and hopefully get some good advice.

Finella
 
My question to you would be - what is normal? To some people communication is a problem, to other people it can be pet peevish things like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or leaving a sock on the floor. Every marriage is different.

There is a book I got my wife and I. It is by Greg Popczek and it is called “For Better, Forever”. He even has a website: www.exceptionalmarriages.com.
 
Finella,
You are smart to ask the question:
So, what about children? Is it right to bring them into a situation that is already unstable and sometimes even hostile?
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I have seen people have a child to try to save the marraige. This is not fair to the child and normaly this practice only make the stress worst in the relationship.

First and formost PRAY together.
Second, FORGIVE each other
Third - turn him over to God. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. Only God can.

I know your story very well.
 
Are you and your husband attending church together regularly? Are you contracepting? Do you ever pray together? Do you agree on money issues like tithing?

These are some major questions to ask yourself and to discuss with your husband. I have found that our openness to children and the love that we receive through them only deepens the relationship between my husband and me. We did not wait for things to be “perfect” before accepting children into our marriage. (Then, we would never have any ;)) Of course we have had our share of problems over the years, but we always know that with God, all things are possible, and that “this, too, shall pass”. If we were not on the same page over important issues like religion, contraception, and money, the little fights would probably keep snowballing and seem insurmountable after a while. I am not sure if this helps, but I will pray for you. 🙂
 
I would ask yourselves what the major issues are in your marriage and tackle those.

“Communication” is one of those buzzwords, imo, that is usually a coverup for what the big issues are. That is, you bicker because you have unresolved issues and don’t know how to communicate about them. So communicating better will help but not solve things entirely.

So maybe a plan of action would be to p(name removed by moderator)oint those areas in which you just cannot seem to see eye to eye (such as finances or whatever your biggie is) and really TACKLE it. Work together as a team and by all means, pray for guidance and perserverance in seeing it through to its resolution.

I applaud you for wanting to resolve this before having kids. No child should enter the world and be subjected to parents who constantly bicker and yet most of us do not have the courage or self-knowledge or honesty to be able to see that in ourselves.

Good for you for taking this step and best of luck!
 
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Finella:
Hi…

I always hear about the “ups and downs” of marriage. But what are normal problems and what kind should be taken more seriously?

How do you know if your marriage is stable enough to be good parents?

Our communication, for lack of a better word, sucks.

We have been married for 5 years … But we also feel it is something that can be improved with commitment…neither of us believes divorce is ever an option.

So, what about children? Is it right to bring them into a situation that is already unstable and sometimes even hostile?

I just want to hear from others about their marriages and hopefully get some good advice.

Finella
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I am married 10years. The reality of who I married versus the ideal of who I thought I married dissipated after around 3 to 5 years into the marriage and the birth of out first child. On our Marriage Encounter weekend they referred to this as the “disillusionment stage”, i.e., “This isn’t the person that I married?!”.

From my experience, the up & down cycles of conflict do crescendo until a precipitant point until one or both partners take a serious inventory and make a decision to change. Unfortunately, you cannot change your spouse (temperment, personality, quirks, preferences, childhood issues…); what you see is largely what you get. We basically decided through difficult communication that we had to mature–forgive, let go of hurts, especially not take oneself too seriously, put God first through daily couple prayer, understand and accept differences, develop a unifying goals (a work in progress) for our marriage and family life.

Developing some basic communication guidelines/skills has been essential–don’t interrupt, voice tone, stay on topic, no past grivences, mutually validate and process strong feelings first before moving to problem solving, preserving regular couple time …also extending free gifts of romance, light heartnedness, humor in the marriage. I am a work in progress.

The good news is that by daily inviting God into our marrriage (through daily personal & couple prayer; participating actively in the Sacramental life of the Church), God really has honored our marital vows and extend His sufficient grace to our marriage. He really, really does…not possible without these extra helps in my estimation. It has only gotten better in the past 5years as we have exercised fidelity to our wedding vows (despite some tremendous stressors).

I believe that it is better to get the marriage stable and well founded before bringing children onto the scene. Good to develop relationships with or at least be around other more mature Chrisitan couples for role modeling, advice, encouragement and learn from their wisdom.

I hope that this offers you a bit of encouragement. I will pray for your marriage. 🙂

God bless.
 
thanks for the replies so far…

I just want to clarify that there are no “major” problems… we don’t argue about money or religion or sex…it is just little things. Mostly a lot of misunderstandings.

I honestly think our personalities just clash. You know how you get along better with some people more naturally than others? We just don’t get along as well as we could/should.

I know a major part of it is just maturing. I have noticed a big difference in myself these past couple of years as to my perspective and how I react to things…much different than when we first got married.

We do have a lot of finanacial stress, and I have a chronic illness… not easy to deal with for a perfectly matched couple, nevermind us.

Sometimes I feel more alone in the world with him than if I was alone. I just had the expectation that my husband would be the one person in the world who was always in my corner…my rock. I read alot of posts where spouses refer to eachother as their best friends. I want that too. Is it even possible?

maybe I am just too sensitive…maybe I am misinterpretting things.

But I feel less alone knowing that there are others who are like me and others who care enough to try and help me out. thank you so much.

Finella
 
I highly recommend Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”.
 
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Finella:
I am going through a rough patch with my hubby. Our communication, for lack of a better word, sucks. We argue and bicker and never seem to get our point across. Most of the time in the larger arguments we find out later that we were on the same side the whole time.
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I don’t feel comfortable talking with my husband anymore because I feel like it will just lead to more hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

We have been married for 5 years, don’t have any children, and have already tried counselling. We both agree that we made a mistake getting married.(we were too young and hadn’t dated long enough).

Things have improved greatly in 5 years and hopefully we will get to the point where we can say that we have a loving, happy marriage.

Not all counseling is helpful; and it sounds like yours wasn’t particularly. I would suggest that you either go through a Marriage Encounter course, or Retrouvaille. You both sound like you need some hands on practice in how to communicate effectively. What you are now doing obviously isn’t effective.

It is next best impossible to deal with the big things if you can’t find a way to deal wtih the little ones.

It also sounds like you both need to get a complete review, and rethinking, about what marriage really is. Can you be best friends? Yes, but it takes work, as well as attraction. You need a new set of tools, as the ones you are using now aren’t working.

Neither Marriage Encounter nor Retrouvaille are threatening; both can be very helpful. Make the choice. Doing what you have been doing for the last 5 years hasn’t worked; the likelyhood that it will suddenly start working in the future is zero.

You both are operating from a pattern. Changing that pattern won’t be easy. But the alternative is a lot harder.
 
Finella–Very often our unhappiness is related to our expectations, which too often are unfairly high in regard to the other person (one’s spouse, parent, friend, sibling, etc.) But we have to realize that we can not change anyone but ourselves. That tends to be difficult for us to accept. We often want, expect, and demand of others. It is hard to do but really important to learn to accept the other person for who they are and recognize that they may never change. Accepting and loving your spouse for who he is now, is a beautiful gift to give and will be very much appreciated. It becomes the basis for both spouses to grow emotionally and in their love for each other. Conversely, not accepting one’s spouse for who he or she is, only undermines the relationship. Because when we don’t feel accepted, we feel rejected and hurt. So I would advise you to think and pray about whether you truly accept and love your husband for who he is. He is not perfect, but then neither are you (or me or any human). So love what you have and show him. It will only help your marriage. And work on being the best person and wife that you can be. I will bet you anything your husband will notice your change, and will change too!. God bless you both.
 
"Sometimes I feel more alone in the world with him than if I was alone. I just had the expectation that my husband would be the one person in the world who was always in my corner…my rock. I read alot of posts where spouses refer to eachother as their best friends. I want that too. Is it even possible? "

Finella, when I read this part of your post I immediately thought of some powerful advice I was lucky to receive. At my bridal shower just over a year ago, after all the gifts had been opened, I asked my friends and family to please give me their “pearls of wisdom” to carry with me in my marriage. There was lots of laughing and plenty of fun “girlie-type” responses. Then one of my wise, wonderful and divorced friends spoke up and gave me the following pearl:

“Remember that he’s only human.”

I wish I could say that never forget this advice; I can’t.

Your post asked what the “normal” problems in marriage are, and I’m afraid I haven’t answered your question–I don’t know if any of us can! I think the key is that you believe your marriage is experiencing problems; therefore, those problems are very real and are affecting you and your husband.

I’ll give some other folks a turn for now, but I thought it might help just to know that you are not alone…and you and your husband will be in my prayers tonite. Please pray for us!

God bless~
 
Problems are a given, but how we handle them are the determining factors in our marriage. I read a powerful book recently: A Woman After God’s Own Heart. I have been married 27 years, but I think that this book has some powerful good advice for all of us. Read it and let me know how you think about it. It is an easy to read, can’t put it down book. It may be similar to the Dr. Laura book that was recommended in an earlier post. However, I think it may be more religious. I found it very good.

I think the one thing that I have changed is that I make my husband and our relationship a priority. I know that sounds like a given, but I think we fall into bad habits.

Because it is giving advice for a marriage that is Christian, it covers all the bases- prayer, etc. Going on a Marriage Encounter Weekend is also an awesome experience. I think we went on one when we had been married about 6 years. They go over many commuication helpful hints, and tools to improve your marriage.

I will say a prayer right now that you find what you need with God’s help.
 
:whacky:
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Fitz:
Problems are a given, but how we handle them are the determining factors in our marriage. I read a powerful book recently: A Woman After God’s Own Heart. I have been married 27 years, but I think that this book has some powerful good advice for all of us. .
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thanks for the recommendation…

I just did a search of the public library catalogue and they don’t have it. money is really tight right now, so i may not be able to get it for awhile…but I will definitely try…

thanks so much for your prayers

Finella
 
Here I am giving not necessarily my personal experience, but accumulated pearls of wisdom from women of my generation, those who were part of the “liberation” of women in the 60s. I will ask questions as if you were my own daughter. If none of this applies to you, I offer it to others on this discussion: Did you sleep together before marriage? Are you contracepting? Is the only time you seem to have any intimacy, openness, need for each other, solace with each other during sex? Communication and intimacy are linked. Sex before marriage (and the contraception it requires) destroys intimacy. Togetherness that happens only during sex is not complete or authentic. Once sex begins, all other avenues of communication and getting to know one another through conversation and shared experiences ceases. The courtship and engagement period are intended to foster that communication and intimacy, and when the process is short-circuited, you never develop the connections as a couple that survive those inevitable times in marriage where physical sex is not possible.

Even secular “sex therapists” and marriage counsellors recognize this truth, although they do not admit it, because they often tell couples in counselling to refrain from sex for a period and develop communication in other ways. If you each entered marriage primarily for sex partnership, and if that is the main or only way you relate, you are in trouble, and should find counselling to get back to square one. Retrouville is great for this. Discover and root out any areas of sin in your life.

Does either of you have a pornography habit? Do you watch “sexy stuff” to “get in the mood”–this is horribly destructive of true marital intimacy because it induces a constant state of infidelity in a subtle socially acceptable way. If this does happen to be true your require counselling urgently, as this can become addiction.

Pray together every day both for spiritual help in your difficulties, but as the truest way to regain true intimacy.
 
La Chiara:
Finella–Very often our unhappiness is related to our expectations, which too often are unfairly high in regard to the other person (one’s spouse, parent, friend, sibling, etc.) But we have to realize that we can not change anyone but ourselves. That tends to be difficult for us to accept. We often want, expect, and demand of others. It is hard to do but really important to learn to accept the other person for who they are and recognize that they may never change. Accepting and loving your spouse for who he is now, is a beautiful gift to give and will be very much appreciated. It becomes the basis for both spouses to grow emotionally and in their love for each other. Conversely, not accepting one’s spouse for who he or she is, only undermines the relationship. Because when we don’t feel accepted, we feel rejected and hurt. So I would advise you to think and pray about whether you truly accept and love your husband for who he is. He is not perfect, but then neither are you (or me or any human). So love what you have and show him. It will only help your marriage. And work on being the best person and wife that you can be. I will bet you anything your husband will notice your change, and will change too! God bless you both.
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I just have to second this advice. 👍 Coming from the male/husband perspective, this is absolutely true and essential to creating an environment for change. It hits on a man’s basic need for acceptance, affirmation and appreciation for his efforts made (however fledging or missing the mark) as head of household. The bold highlights are sweet music to a man’s ears and will only promote hubby to disarm from his emotional defensiveness.
 
My husband and I have been married 8 years, and we’ve had more than our fair share of arguments and problems. They really all boiled down to communication issues. My parents never communicated, either with each other or with us kids. So, I never learned how to communicate properly. I didn’t learn that words have meaning, and how to choose words carefully. I learned many behaviors from my mother, including how to say a statement intending the listener to “read between the lines”, and then get upset when the listener fails to understand what I didn’t say.

It took years to even recognize these in first my parents, and then in myself. It took several more years to not only unlearn these communication behaviors, but to properly communicate.

This was all just my husband and I doing this–attempts at getting therapy failed miserably. Therapists just didn’t understand these communication issues, at all.

Now, I look at my husband with totally new eyes. I can see how my communication problems triggered most of our fights, and how his temper didn’t help matters much. I know how to approach him with senstive issues, and how to gauge his mood before springing something on him. He knows to do the same now. What amazes me the most when I look at him is that I can see, by simply knowing how messed up I was 8 years ago, how much he loved me at the time to even see someone that was salvagable. Our love for each other has deepened, and it honestly wouldn’t be as deep if we hadn’t argued so much over the years.

At our 5 year mark, we weren’t ready to be parents. We have only been ready to be parents very recently (I’ve also had some health issues that have forced us to delay). And now, we’re looking to have a dozen children, either naturally or by adoption.
 
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puzzleannie:
Here I am giving not necessarily my personal experience, but accumulated pearls of wisdom from women of my generation, those who were part of the “liberation” of women in the 60s. I will ask questions as if you were my own daughter. If none of this applies to you, I offer it to others on this discussion: Did you sleep together before marriage? Are you contracepting? Is the only time you seem to have any intimacy, openness, need for each other, solace with each other during sex? Communication and intimacy are linked. Sex before marriage (and the contraception it requires) destroys intimacy. Togetherness that happens only during sex is not complete or authentic. Once sex begins, all other avenues of communication and getting to know one another through conversation and shared experiences ceases. The courtship and engagement period are intended to foster that communication and intimacy, and when the process is short-circuited, you never develop the connections as a couple that survive those inevitable times in marriage where physical sex is not possible.

Even secular “sex therapists” and marriage counsellors recognize this truth, although they do not admit it, because they often tell couples in counselling to refrain from sex for a period and develop communication in other ways. If you each entered marriage primarily for sex partnership, and if that is the main or only way you relate, you are in trouble, and should find counselling to get back to square one. Retrouville is great for this. Discover and root out any areas of sin in your life.

Does either of you have a pornography habit? Do you watch “sexy stuff” to “get in the mood”–this is horribly destructive of true marital intimacy because it induces a constant state of infidelity in a subtle socially acceptable way. If this does happen to be true your require counselling urgently, as this can become addiction.

Pray together every day both for spiritual help in your difficulties, but as the truest way to regain true intimacy.
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Puzzleannie…

yes, we had sex before marriage. We now understand what a huge mistake that was.

Yes, we were contracepting…but I have been learning NFP over the past few months.

We don’t make love very often now becuase of learning NFP (don’t want any accidents) and I have a chonic illness that makes it very difficult.

Neither of us has a pornography problem. I have never been into anything like that (sexy movies don’t “put me in the mood”). My husband used to look at the magazines and some internet stuff but that has stopped.

Thanks for being direct with your questions, I hope I have answered them well.

I think you may be onto something when you say that we never learned how to “connect” properly because of the pre marital sex.

I think a lot of our problems stem from frustration… hubby has a bit of a temper (which he has really worked on to improve over the past few years…I am very proud of him) and tends to react without thinking. I have expectations that may not match reality. I am just not sure how to distinguish what is acceptable to expect… and what is unreasonable.

Anyway, there is still qiute a bit of tension here…and he is leaving in a few days to go out of town…I hate to leave things like this.

Finella
 
It is not too late to learn how to love without sex. The effects of premarital sex continue and time doesn’t erase it even if you are now married and faithful.

Two things I have learned that have helped me.
  1. Go to confession. Even if you think you have gotten beyond it, God has a way of opening your eyes and imparting grace for healing after confession.
  2. Both of you live chastely for a while. No intercourse or other sexual release. It will be extremely hard and you may need to go to daily Mass to survive. You will see your spouse in a whole new light and will learn to show love and appreciation without sex. You can learn to “court” each other.
Then consider what your marriage vows are and discuss what each of you want in your marriage. You will likely be able to bring up subjects that have never been discussed but are close to your heart. Forgive each other and make a gift of yourself to your spouse in acts of love.

When you finally come back together, look at it as a mutual complete gift of your bodies to each other.

I admit this sounds extreme but my wife and I are about half way through this process and the stuff at the end is what I hope for. I am trying to live my part without making a requirement of her living her part.

I have not heard anyone give a real remedy for recovery from premarital sex. So I pieced together a few things I have read and these are my thoughts. Entering into this process was not a choice but upon reflection, I have learned alot about myself and how to love.
 
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