What are "normal" problems in marriage?

[KCT]

Finella:

I think a lot of our problems stem from frustration… hubby has a bit of a temper (which he has really worked on to improve over the past few years…I am very proud of him) and tends to react without thinking. I have expectations that may not match reality. I am just not sure how to distinguish what is acceptable to expect… and what is unreasonable. Finella

I had to chuckle . . . my dh also over reacts and for 19 yrs I had the hardest time figuring out why. Last year he was diagnosed ADD and one characteristic is impulsivity- acting w/o thinking, which can also be speaking w/o thinking! Once he started meds, he was much calmer. Even our kids noticed! I’m not saying your hubby is ADD, but it was an eye opener for me to find out that not all husbands reacted (or over reacted) the way mine did. I just thought that’s how men were. Now I know better and can have different expectations. —KCT

 

[Pug]

Finella:

I always hear about the “ups and downs” of marriage. But what are normal problems and what kind should be taken more seriously?

Hi Finella! Greetings to cyberspacers.

No one has mentioned it so far because you didn’t bring it up, but I will for anyone else out there in cyberspace…Violence in marriage is not normal. Daily verbal abuse, abandonment, keeping you stuck in the house, monitoring your every word with other people, making you practically beg for every dollar you spend, not letting you have friends over, taking revenge on you, strange beliefs that you are seeing other people, regular jostling pushing pinching or other small ‘accidental’ injuries, endless putdowns, endless yelling, etc. are NOT NORMAL.

Furthermore, marriage counseling can be a very bad idea if there is active violence in a relationship! Individual help would be better to start.

I just throw this out to any random person who might need to hear this particular repsonse. I know you didn’t mention stuff like this!

 

[Finella]

Pug:

Hi Finella! Greetings to cyberspacers.

No one has mentioned it so far because you didn’t bring it up, but I will for anyone else out there in cyberspace…Violence in marriage is not normal. Daily verbal abuse, abandonment, keeping you stuck in the house, monitoring your every word with other people, making you practically beg for every dollar you spend, not letting you have friends over, taking revenge on you, strange beliefs that you are seeing other people, regular jostling pushing pinching or other small ‘accidental’ injuries, endless putdowns, endless yelling, etc. are NOT NORMAL.

Furthermore, marriage counseling can be a very bad idea if there is active violence in a relationship! Individual help would be better to start.

I just throw this out to any random person who might need to hear this particular repsonse. I know you didn’t mention stuff like this!

Good idea Pug…

I realize that there a lot of people who read these forums and your advice is good.

You are right that I don’t have problems like that in my marriage, but I hope someone who needs to hear this is reading this thread…

Finella

 

[Finella]

KCT:

I had to chuckle . . . my dh also over reacts and for 19 yrs I had the hardest time figuring out why. Last year he was diagnosed ADD and one characteristic is impulsivity- acting w/o thinking, which can also be speaking w/o thinking! Once he started meds, he was much calmer. Even our kids noticed! I’m not saying your hubby is ADD, but it was an eye opener for me to find out that not all husbands reacted (or over reacted) the way mine did. I just thought that’s how men were. Now I know better and can have different expectations. —KCT

It’s funny that you mention this because I have actually been wondering about adult ADHD…from everything I know about it, it fits DH to a tee… but of course he doesn’t see it, lol.

Finella

 

[Finella]

Sandman:

Two things I have learned that have helped me.

1. Go to confession. Even if you think you have gotten beyond it, God has a way of opening your eyes and imparting grace for healing after confession.
2. Both of you live chastely for a while. No intercourse or other sexual release. It will be extremely hard and you may need to go to daily Mass to survive. You will see your spouse in a whole new light and will learn to show love and appreciation without sex. You can learn to “court” each other.

1. I am not Catholic so I guess confession isn’t an option for me. I do try to pray about it though.
2. actually, we pretty much do live chastely due to my illness and learning NFP. In fact, I think this could be adding to hubby’s frustration.

I would love to be “courted” by my hubby. Our relationship in the beginning wasn’t what you would call a courtship…I didn’t even get a marriage proposal, it was just something we decided to do. I think we are missing that “I can’t imagine my life without you” part. But we will keep working on it.

My husband is definitely not a bad guy. So he is worth whatever it is going to take to get this marriage on track. I just want to make sure I have realistic expectations…

Maybe those of you with great marriages can add your stories now so we will have some examples of what to work towards…

Finella

 

[La_Chiara]

Finella:

I would love to be “courted” by my hubby. Our relationship in the beginning wasn’t what you would call a courtship…I didn’t even get a marriage proposal, it was just something we decided to do. I think we are missing that “I can’t imagine my life without you” part. But we will keep working on it.

My husband is definitely not a bad guy. So he is worth whatever it is going to take to get this marriage on track. I just want to make sure I have realistic expectations.

Finella–We women too often look at our marriages as what we want our husbands to do for us. I was very guilty of that myself in my early years of marriage. Are you everything he wants in a wife? Do you court him? Dote on your husband. Show him how important he is to you. Think about ways that you can show him that you appreciate him and love him. Court him. Bite your tongue and walk away rather than fuel a disagreement. Replace negative thoughts about your husband with thoughts about his attributes. Apologize when you have done something hurtful and promise yourself that you won’t do it again. Get into good habits that build the relationship and avoid those behaviors that only chip away at the relationship. If you really focus on changing yourself and singlehandedly do what you can to improve yourself and the relationship, your husband will want to please you too. Trust me, it works!

 

[KCT]

Finella:

It’s funny that you mention this because I have actually been wondering about adult ADHD…from everything I know about it, it fits DH to a tee… but of course he doesn’t see it, lol. Finella

Not seeing it is also typical! One book I read said people w/ ADD are “poor self observers”! I’d agree. My dh started to read (and ended up getting on tape), Driven to Distraction. It was written by 2 adult psychologists (or psychiatrists) who are ADD/r ADHD.

—KCT

 

[dhgray]

Finella:

So he is worth whatever it is going to take to get this marriage on track. I just want to make sure I have realistic expectations…

Finella, Sorry if I came on a little strong in the PM but I feel your pain. My dear wife has been where you are and worst.

If the Couples for Christ (CFC) can turn our marriage around, they can help you too.

If not for the CFC, we would be divorced now.

Finella:

Maybe those of you with great marriages can add your stories now so we will have some examples of what to work towards…

Our marriage is great (NOW). Our children are in the CFC-Youth for Christ and CFC-Kids for Christ. CFC taught us how to put CHRIST as the center of or marriage and lives. Our Children are learning from our example. My dear wive and I now lead the CFC-Singles for Christ in an effort to help those who are contemplating marriage, avoid the mistakes we made.

Are you willing to do

“whatever it is going to take”

Would you be willing to meet with the CFC in your area and attending a Christian Life Program (CLP) seminar?

CFC is a Catholic family ministry regonized by the Vatican and Churches all over the world. This is not some “fly by night” ministry. CFC is 1.4 million members strong in 120 countries.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am glad you seem to understand that none of us responding to you mean to be accusatory, or worse, project our own experience onto your situation, just trying to answer your question of what is normal and what is not (if there is such a thing) and share what we have learned. I also have dealt with a chronic illness that at periods of time has made sex impossible. I am more and more convinced that those early years of courtship and engagement are critical foundation for a good marriage. Man, if I had it to do over . . . glad my daughters seemed to have learned from me, but whether they follow my advice I have no idea.

It think everything in our culture about sexuality contributes to the structure of sex as a control and power issue between men and women, and that is the root of the destructiveness to intimacy and the “marriage of true minds”. Of course other trouble spots in marriage, especially money, are also liable to become control issues, which is also a construct of our culture. Take a look at that thread about “submission to husbands” for an interesting discussion and differences about how men and women view that whole thing.

 

[carrieloon]

Finella,

For me, living a chaste lifestyle as a married person would greatly contribute to the bickering. I know this is no consolation to you but just wanted to throw that out. I am wondering if there are times when your illness is better and what is different about those times? Maybe you could try to recreate those situations as much as possible so that you can ML more frequently.

Also, I know you talked about having children and have you thought about what the impact of your illness will be on them? I can say that taking care of children is much more physically taxing than ML, so I would encourage you to pursue as many treatment options as you possibly can! Plus, that is just not a good way to live your life–missing out on the sweetness because you feel poorly.

good luck!

 

[Finella]

thanks everyone…I am keeping up on your replies and learning from them. But I apologize for just not having the energy today to respond to everyone individually…I hope this will be ok.

In response to the person who questioned my ability to raise a child… I understand just how demanding, both physically and emotionally, that is. I started another thread awhile ago on that subject. It is something that hubby and I are really trying to make the right decision about.

About not enough sex leading to bickering… I understand how that can happen. I am just a little frustrated myself because DH knew about my illness when he chose to marry me. And even if it happened after our marriage it’s not like I’m avoiding sex on purpose.

I am proud of how much I have grown and matured since our marriage… I can clearly see differences between the way I was and the way I am now. But I know I still have far to go.

I do try to court my hubby, show him how much he means to me, thank him for taking care of his responsibilities as well as mine, and make love as often as my body and mind will allow. I do bite my tongue and avoid arguments…but I do also make mistakes.

But I feel like I am not permitted any mistakes… Maybe I am wrong (in fact it’s probable) but I feel like if I am cranky or frustrated my hubby doesn’t bite his tongue, walk away, or try to say something nice to diffuse the situation. He just gets cranky right along with me and you can imagine how that turns out.

But this is not a daily, weekly, or even monthly occurence. 5 years ago I would have voted for daily. Now, it happens much more rarely…sometimes several times in a row, sometimes months in between “episodes”.

Because of my illness I feel like half a woman, half a wife, and not able to be a mother. I just want a little compassion from DH when I am feeling down… most of the time I try to stay positive and look on the bright side…but the times I don’t is when I need his support the most…

One more issue I’d like to address is competition…sometimes I feel like that is what our relationship is about. If I get cranky because I am hungry, he responds with “well I’m hungry too and I did more physical work than you today”. If I say I am tired, he says he’s more tired or tired for different reasons. Sometimes I just want him to say “oh poor baby, come here and let me make you feel better”. Is this an unrealistic expectation? I don’t know anymore.

Anyways, I am exhausted so I will leave it here…I really appreciate the replies…thank you.

Finella

p.s. actually I don’t want to leave on that note.

I want to address some things that I am thankful for about my husband and marriage.

I am thankful that DH comes home after work to me because he wants to.

I am thankful that he includes me in social activities when he doesn’t have to because he actually wants me there.

I am thankful that he picks up my slack in things like housework and cooking.

I am thankful that he calls me from work just to say hi or see how I’m feeling.

I am thankful that he comes home for lunch everday to be with me and make sure I eat.

I am thankful that he chose to marry me in spite of who I was.

I am thankful that he doesn’t drink excessively or do drugs.

I am thankful that he respects me (and all women) and loves children.

I am thankful that he is leading me to the Truth.

 

[La_Chiara]

Finella–Your list of reasons why you appreciate and love your husband were touching. I think you are on the right track and are going to do fine. God bless you and take care of you as you struggle with your illness.

 

[Almeria]

Finella:

But I feel like I am not permitted any mistakes… Maybe I am wrong (in fact it’s probable) but I feel like if I am cranky or frustrated my hubby doesn’t bite his tongue, walk away, or try to say something nice to diffuse the situation. He just gets cranky right along with me and you can imagine how that turns out.

…
Sometimes I just want him to say “oh poor baby, come here and let me make you feel better”. Is this an unrealistic expectation? I don’t know anymore.

Finella, you are so not alone in this! I could have written your post, especially the above paragraphs, and ditto on the list of things you love about your husband.

It took a while, but I was finally able to sucessfully say “honey, now is not a good time to discuss this issue. I’m afraid I will say something without thinking that I will regret.” I made sure he saw me jot the topic down on my PDA, and I would refuse to say another word on the matter right then. When we were both calm and in good moods (sometimes days later), I’d go to the PDA and see what we needed to talk about in a logical, sane, manner. After fulfilling my promises to talk about issues in the future (instead of just postponing topics indefinately), eventually he got the picture. It also made him start to think more about being aware of his own mood, and if it wasn’t a good time for him to talk about an explosive topic as well. Your milage may vary, but this may work for you as well.

I also sometimes just want my husband to put his arms around me and say “don’t worry, everything will be fine”. We’ve talked about it a lot. While I think it is a reasonable expection in general, my DH’s personality just doesn’t lend itself to doing that. He’ll either approach the problem rationally and try to solve it, or start teasing me and making me laugh to forget that I was not doing well. I’ve learned to accept that, and just enjoy cuddling on the couch during a movie.

 

[carrieloon]

Finella,

I hope I didn’t come off as saying that you are not fit to raise children; if so I apologize…that was not my intention.

I just meant that exhausting ALL avenues of treatment, in order to get out of living chastely, might be a good idea prior to bringing children into the mix. They seem to make everything more hectic, make the likelihood of crabbiness even higher, etc.

Regarding the crankiness, could it be that you are afraid of showing your vulnerability to each other? So you mask it with anger and bickering?

That is, if you are crabby and really needing a hug, maybe you could work on internally shifting from seeking negative attention from your husband to just laying bare your soul and seeing what he does with it. So if you are cranky, for whatever reason, what about saying to him “I am feeling so cross and really need a hug right now” and see what he does?
Because the current system of trying to get his attention by lashing out at him is not working. For either of you. You both seem to want appreciation and validation from the other, and yet you go about getting these very positive things in a negative way–crabbiness.

Finally, it is a habit and like all habits it can be broken. My husband and I were like this and it was horrible. Everything was an argument and we never seemed happy or satisfied with each other. It took a long time to break out of this habit but we did. Not that we don’t fight anymore, but now our fights are about genuine disagreements, rather than masking the true issue and using these petty things as a way to get attention from the other.

Our problem was largely sexual. We quite simply were not fostering a close connection with each other and that ruined the intimacy between us. With no intimacy, it was hard to ‘show’ ourselves and be vulnerable so we resorted to picking at each other–anything else felt too awkward. It was a sad state when I felt that I couldn’t even ask my husband for a hug because it felt forced and weird.
This might not be what is going on with you but I wanted to relate to not be afraid to ask for what you need from him (take me in your arms and make me feel better) because the chances of you getting it this way are SO much greater than doing it by picking at him. I know, I’ve tried it both ways.

The end result has been that my husband is not all that grouchy with me and he really used to pick at me a LOT. You can change things in your relationship and I wish you well.

Good luck and God bless you, Finella!

 

[Finella]

carrieloon:

Finella,

I hope I didn’t come off as saying that you are not fit to raise children; if so I apologize…that was not my intention.

I just meant that exhausting ALL avenues of treatment, in order to get out of living chastely, might be a good idea prior to bringing children into the mix. They seem to make everything more hectic, make the likelihood of crabbiness even higher, etc.

Regarding the crankiness, could it be that you are afraid of showing your vulnerability to each other? So you mask it with anger and bickering?..

…The end result has been that my husband is not all that grouchy with me and he really used to pick at me a LOT. You can change things in your relationship and I wish you well.

Good luck and God bless you, Finella!

NO! I didn’t take it to mean that you thought me unfit to raise children at all.

At this point I am pursuing all treatment options currently available to me (although this illness is largely untreatable, although NOT fatal)…unfortunately it all comes down to money. I am also awaiting a decision on disability benefits which would go far in helping me do the things I need to do to be as healthy as possible…eat healthy etc.

I personally have no problem showing vulnerabilty to my hubby. And he normally has no problem treating me with kindness. Now, him showing vulnerability is another story…but that’s just a guy thing and doesn’t really bother me.

The bickering really does seem to stem mostly from misunderstandings… just yesterday we had a small “disagreement” over whether or not I would get a bruise…yes, you read that right…a bruise!!!

The car door hit me in the arm and I said it hurt hard enough to bruise… since hubby technically was responsible because he let the door slip and hit me, he took my comment as a criticism. But I was just venting about the pain. I didn’t blame him. He would have had a completely different reaction if I got hurt in any other way.

I am thankful that my husband doesn’t “pick on me” at all. He never points out any of my many faults. I am actually the “picker”. But I recognize this in myself and have come a very long way in correcting that destructive behavior…but I still slip .

Our problems are not huge… but given his sensitivity to being blamed for things, and my increased irritability, and both of our frustration with life at times…I actually am coming to realize that we aren’t doing half bad. huh. strange the things that come out of these threads.

I am really glad to have found this forum and all of you who take the time to help and advise and just listen…I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

Finella

 

[rayne89]

www.wwme.org

www.marriage-encounter.org

Please check either one of these out. The whole weekend is all about communication, it’s personal between couples (no group sharing). There is a fee but they will wave it in hardship situations.
For marriages with serious trouble there’s another group with the same principles www.retrouvaille.org
This saved my marriage 6 years ago. Don’t wait for things to get better, marriage is work. The more you put into it the better it gets. I would never have dreamed our the incredible relationship we have now. It’s not all due to the weekend but it definately makes a huge difference in communication.

 

[serenity]

I agree with ayne89. After 20 years of marriage, just recently, my husband and I attended the WWME weekend. Despite previous therapy, that weekend totally changed us as a couple. I would also like to recommended the book that helped me tremendously too, The Power of the Praying Wife. Read it and follow it. It’s very insightful and praying for your husband will make a huge difference. God bless you and your husband both.

 

[BK80734]

Finella,

I just have to make sure that you are not married to my hubby too! I swear, I have been laughing at most of your posts because they sound like us!

(the argument over the bruise, the competition…it’s just weird how much of us I see in your posts!)

Here’s the good news…I consider our relationship to be really good and completely normal. My DH is my best friend, but he’s a best friend that drives me nuts from time to time.

We just had our first baby 5 weeks ago, so we have been having a little bit of a rocky time (and I can at least temporarily understand how you feel about your illness, as I had a c-section and had some pretty major complications during surgery, so I haven’t been able to do much around the house,etc.) But I know it will get better. I would suggest going to Marriage Encounter…we went several years ago, and I think that it has helped me to accept my hubby, and helped him to accept me more fully.

I would also suggest doing some bible studies…I know you’re not Catholic, so you might find many women’s bible studies that I don’t know about, but I really recommend three bible studies in a series (I am currently halfway through the second) that are really helping me to become a better person. They are called Courageous Love, Courageous Virtue, and Courageous Women I think they are by Stacey Mitch.

Anyhow, I think that you are probably on the right track, but that working together (on your marriage through Marriage Encounter or something similar) and working seperately (on yourself through bible studies or devotions) is your best bet for getting your family ready for children!

-Lori

 

[FightingFat]

Finella:

I am going through a rough patch with my hubby. Our communication, for lack of a better word, sucks. We argue and bicker and never seem to get our point across. Most of the time in the larger arguments we find out later that we were on the same side the whole time.

I have a great marriage, we’ve been married for 10 years and have four wonderful children. I love my wife soooooo much and feel that we are very lucky indeed-BUT- and it is a huge BUT, we had to work at it very hard.
One thing that sticks out is that you have to be willing to conceed your point for the sake of each other. You have to know when something is really importnat to the other (or they want it to appear so) and bow down to that. It takes a lot to swallow your pride, but a good marriage is (in my opinion) about you adding to your husband/ wife and them feeling special because of what you do for them.

Be nice

Good luck and God bless!

 

[Finella]

Thanks everyone…

I am still here and keeping up with your posts. I am not feeling very well right now and just don’t have the energy to respond personally right now…

But I am paying attention…thank you!

Finella