What are some things people have said to you for having a big family? and how did you handle it

[SeekerJen]

The interesting reactions go both ways. God has blest us with 2 wonderful children. We are devout orthodox Catholics.

We once met a very devout traditional Catholic family with 10 children all well behaved, groomed, catechized, etc. Many people including us admired & looked up to them as a role model of the domestic church. Our chidren are not as quiet as theirs & have strong personalities. This family kept us at a distance; our attempts to become friends were rejected. They assumed we contacepted & were not good Catholic parents.

Urgh, I hate that attitude. “Oh, they don’t have enough kids, they must contracept, thus we mustn’t dare associate with them.” It must be nice to have never dealt with fertility problems or grave reasons to use NFP.

We don’t get too much static for not having any (we’re infertile) but based on a few comments I’ve gotten, I know the assumption is that we’re contracepting until I’m out of school. Causing scandal may be a sin (although it’s not our intent to do so), but isn’t presuming sin where there is none also a sin?

 

[KCtheMommy]

Be prepared when only two children are with you: “Gee you have your hand’s full!”

I’ve said it before here, and I’ll say it again: “Yes, but you should see my HEART.”

I totally stole this from another lady on the internet, but it’s worked WONDERS. People are so used to people complaining and bemoaning many kids…that this comment will make them pause, and even smile and say a “God Bless” or some other nice comment.

“Yes, my hand are full – but you should see my heart.”

Period, end of story.

 

[reganq]

Friend with 4 girls has a stranger come up and say “My, you have your hands full.”

Her response “Better than having them empty.”

This is DH’s favorite response. (We only have 3 so far.)

Our first two are girls and DS is now 10 months old. Everyone keeps asking if we’re done. I keep telling them “I hope not.”

When I was pregnant with DS, a friend of my parents’ came up to me and said, “You know what causes that don’t you?” Without missing a beat, I said, “Why, yes, I do. I think we’re getting quite good at it, too. Don’t you?” He didn’t quite know how to respond to that reply. I think he laughed nervously.

 

[marci]

I don’t have a “large” family, but I have 4 really close in age 6, 8, 8and 9. The question I get most is “Are they all yours?” I always politely say “yes”, but what I want to say is “the first three are for sure, but the youngest might be the milkman’s.”

 

[stayathomemommy]

Friend with 4 girls has a stranger come up and say “My, you have your hands full.”

Her response “Better than having them empty.”

we hear the “hands full” comment every day with our 4 children. My daughter finally asked me, “Mom, why do people always say that?” It annoyed me that she picks up on everyones remarks.

the worst came from my in laws when we had our 4th and we were talking about how great the new baby was and they said, “you better stop while you’re ahead” Like another child would ruin our "perfect’ family?? Like a child could ever be a bad thing? i guess it hurt the most because it came from family. I expect tactless strangers to say rude things because they just dont get it but our family knows what we believe!

 

[stayathomemommy]

oh i forgot to say in my last post about the “hands full” comment. i used to say, “better then empty” but with so many experiencing infertility problems i felt that could be taken wrong and be hurtful to someone. i now say, “yep, arn’t i lucky!”

 

[mamacita]

****My MIL made it quite clear about 3 weeks ago that ‘5 kids is just too many’ and on and on and on. Which by the way, she knows I am one of 9 and that I find it very rude of her to say such inappropriate remarks. Well, we are expecting our 4th due Oct. 10th. . So my DH thinks she was saying that to me as in ‘hint, hint, listen to me’ (of course he wasn’t there when she said it).
But I told my sis in laws on my side of the family and they were shocked!! They said “what did you say to her?” Me: “nothing, what could I say, I was at a loss for words”. One of them said that I should have said “well, when we are having our 5th, let me know which one of your grandkids we should’ve sent back, okay?”

I think that’s pretty good!!! ****

 

[ktp]

We once met a very devout traditional Catholic family with 10 children all well behaved, groomed, catechized, etc. Many people including us admired & looked up to them as a role model of the domestic church. Our chidren are not as quiet as theirs & have strong personalities. This family kept us at a distance; our attempts to become friends were rejected. They assumed we contacepted & were not good Catholic parents.

Can I ask… did they tell you they kept their distance because they believed you contracepted?

I just ask because there are lots of reasons why people might keep their distance. We had a family with 11 at our former church, and I always felt they kept their distance, too, but I never believed it had anything to do with us. It’s just the way they were: very focused on the church and their family. Hopefully something like that is the case with this family.

I hold the times we live in largely accountable for people’s assumptions. Contraception is *so much *the ‘default setting,’ even for so many Catholics, and it’s unfortuantely natural to assume the default setting until you get close enough to someone to know otherwise. Not justifying it, not saying it doesn’t hurt, just saying that we are all products of our times.

 

[Quaere_Verum]

Can I ask… did they tell you they kept their distance because they believed you contracepted?

I was told by a mutual friend.

 

[gardenswithkids]

My MIL made it quite clear about 3 weeks ago that ‘5 kids is just too many’ and on and on and on. …

The worst remarks come from my MIL. I say very little in response to her comments, but her remarks cut like a knife. I try to remember, she makes them in ignorance and they reflect on her not on me. I only recently realized that my MIL has no idea who I am, (or who her son is for that matter.) She is confused by how many children we have, and frankly I think it’s hard for her to spend time with her grandchildren because their existance tugs at her conscience.

One thing that I think is nice about my large family–my children tend to “speak for themselves”. They’re cute and generally well behaved. Strangers frequently comment along the lines of how cute and well behaved they are. As their mother, I feel an obligation to make sure their clothes and hair look good because I realize that people judge physical appearance. I also correct any misbehavior because what might be tolerable if I only had one or two, adds up with 7 children.

I think this pays off by allowing my children to “speak for themselves without saying a word.” My 1 1/2 year old is particularly adorable, and a man who had just learned I had seven children said, “I was going to ask you why you had 7, but after seeing her, I know why now.”

 

[hasikelee]

Argh I’ve heard thousands of remarks growing up in a large family. Most of them can be met with oppurtunities to spark greater understanding, or just smart responses.

But the one I just can’t stand is:

“Oh, your parents must be Catholic.”

Argh!! lol. I had one lady tell me this and I responded, “You really need to update your remark, ma’am. Current research suggests you should choose Muslim as the religion of your joke.”

She didn’t know what I was talking about anyways, but I took personal comfort in saying it. lol!

 

[Odell]

Friend with 4 girls has a stranger come up and say “My, you have your hands full.”

Her response “Better than having them empty.”

This is DH’s favorite response. (We only have 3 so far.)

When I was pregnant with DS, a friend of my parents’ came up to me and said, “You know what causes that don’t you?” Without missing a beat, I said, “Why, yes, I do. I think we’re getting quite good at it, too. Don’t you?” He didn’t quite know how to respond to that reply. I think he laughed nervously.

I like these two I will have to remember them

 

[reganq]

****My MIL made it quite clear about 3 weeks ago that ‘5 kids is just too many’ and on and on and on. Which by the way, she knows I am one of 9 and that I find it very rude of her to say such inappropriate remarks. Well, we are expecting our 4th due Oct. 10th. . So my DH thinks she was saying that to me as in ‘hint, hint, listen to me’ (of course he wasn’t there when she said it).
But I told my sis in laws on my side of the family and they were shocked!! They said “what did you say to her?” Me: “nothing, what could I say, I was at a loss for words”. One of them said that I should have said “well, when we are having our 5th, let me know which one of your grandkids we should’ve sent back, okay?”

I think that’s pretty good!!! ****

I will have to keep your SIL’s statement in mind. We are hoping to be able to go for #4 and beyond (my own health concerns). I didn’t tell my mother until I was 4 and 5 months pregnant with the last two. When I told her I was pregnant with DS, her response was “Oh no.”

 

[dkoinzan]

Recently while shopping at a furniture store, the sales person noticed my crusifix. She asked if I was Catholic and I said that I was. She then asked if my four year old was my tail ender. I must of looked clueless. She then asked if she was our last child. I explained that we had three children with us, but two more children who were not with us and they were younger than my four year old. I then explained they were both dead. They died before their birth. I then said that I would be happy to give birth to more. My four year old then chimed in that her baby brother and sister were dead. I seriously doubt that women will ever make that mistake again. I wasn’t rude, I just explained the facts. I never leave out my two youngest children. I think to not mention them is to deny my two youngest exist and that is just disrespectful to life.

 

[NickyCW]

When we had three kids under three, I got a lot of unfriendly comments. We have been asked many times if we are done. My response has always been: “We’re just taking one at a time!” Of course then I realized that if God blessed us with twins that could be a good joke. Anyway, we are expecting our 4th, and I feel so blessed because it seems like we know so many people in our neighborhood (we just moved in last year) with 3-7 kids, we haven’t gotten any mean comments so far…but I haven’t told my work yet…
What I find funny is my Baptist grandma, who had 5 kids herself, doesn’t understand why we had more than 2 - after all, we had 1 boy and 1 girl (already commented on above!). I am the only one since my grandma to have more than 2, so my family thinks it must be because I converted to Catholicism. My family just doesn’t understand the blessing that children are!

 

[magdelaine]

This is an interesting thread for me… I’m feeling a little nervous because I’m now 5 weeks pregnant with our 4th. We have three boys, ages 14, 5, and 2. My eldest is from a previous relationship, so having two babies with my husband was “understandable”. But we became convicted on the radical idea that being married means being open to life, and so now we are expecting again.

I love large families and I love seeing the love that grows with each child; but for some reason I’m feeling selfish, like I’m asking for trouble. My husband’s family has four siblings, and as far as I know they never contracepted, but my Mom, who had three girls, was a public health nurse whose whole focus was contraception. She has said to me and my sisters that she always wished she had had “just one” (!) and is not going to be thrilled when she hears about this one.

I’m 37, and if this one makes it (I’ve had miscarriages) I could even see one more being added to the family before we are “done” - physically, that is. Sorry this is rambling but I’m wondering if anyone else felt guilty/embarrased when expanding the family.

PS-as folks are finding out about this one they are assuming that with three boys we are trying for a girl - and we’re not. In fact, if timing has anything to do with sex selection, it’s a boy for sure! (I chart out of habit so I know when “things happen”). I find this a little annoying…

 

[DiannaK]

This is an interesting thread for me… I’m feeling a little nervous because I’m now 5 weeks pregnant with our 4th. We have three boys, ages 14, 5, and 2. My eldest is from a previous relationship, so having two babies with my husband was “understandable”. But we became convicted on the radical idea that being married means being open to life, and so now we are expecting again.

I love large families and I love seeing the love that grows with each child; but for some reason I’m feeling selfish, like I’m asking for trouble. My husband’s family has four siblings, and as far as I know they never contracepted, but my Mom, who had three girls, was a public health nurse whose whole focus was contraception. She has said to me and my sisters that she always wished she had had “just one” (!) and is not going to be thrilled when she hears about this one.

I’m 37, and if this one makes it (I’ve had miscarriages) I could even see one more being added to the family before we are “done” - physically, that is. Sorry this is rambling but I’m wondering if anyone else felt guilty/embarrased when expanding the family.

PS-as folks are finding out about this one they are assuming that with three boys we are trying for a girl - and we’re not. In fact, if timing has anything to do with sex selection, it’s a boy for sure! (I chart out of habit so I know when “things happen”). I find this a little annoying…

I’m in your boat as well …
I have a 12 year old daughter from my first marriage, and DD2 is 15 months old today!!

DH and I are both from familes with 5 children … however, I’ve heard negative comments from BOTH families. My mother thought I was “stupid” … WHY? I was 33, had a career, and consider myself a reasonably good mother. What’s WRONG with having babies?? When I made the comment about having more babies in front of my MIL, she told me we needed to sell our rental property first. Umm … since when are our financial obligations any of your business??

I think it boils down to a number of things …

Quite frankly, people are SELFISH. It takes sacrificing material junk to raise a large family, and a lot of people aren’t willing to give up their “stuff”. It also involves turning your lives over, and following God’s plan … too many folks, myself included some days, think they know what’s best for them.

I also feel like we’re walking on the radical side as well … and that disturbs me a bit … how have we, as a society, gotten to this point? When did folks start thinking that having children was a bad thing??

Hugs to you … I think your mother’s comment was very hurtful. It’s difficult to be pregnant, and feel like one of the people who should be supportive is not in your camp. I’m sorry.

Bottom line, it’s no one’s business what we do in our family. The act of creating children is relevant to you, your DH, and Our Lord. Anyone else is being nosy/over the line!

God bless you with this pregnancy … keep us posted. Hopefully, I’ll be joining the ranks of “35 and pregnant” in the next few years as well.

 

[vagranted]

In my immediate family, it’s just my parents, my brother and I. However, my dad has 10 sisters and 3 brothers. The only difficult thing for me having so many aunts, uncles and cousins (and their kids), is trying to remember everyone’s name.

 

[mamanicky]

I despise those comments:

“Don’t you know what causes that?”
“Are you done, yet?”
“You sure have your hands full.”
“The perfect family: 1 boy, 1 girl.”

ugh. My grandma pulled the “one boy, one girl” thing on me after I had my first, because I had an 11 y/o stepson… seriously? one child? I’d feel so empty. Well, I do feel empty…

Now, I get the “hands full” comment all the time, which doesn’t just irk me on the child issue, but I care for my grandmother as well, and it’s almost like they are saying, “oh, how lovely you care for her, but one person really can’t handle all of that, you poor thing for having to do that.” Truth is, I wouldn’t have it any other way… Grandpa died just a few months after DH & I married, and we had decided that we would care for her before our vows were even said. Yes, I do have a lot of things to deal with… but it’s only made me strive to be a better person.

Do I know what causes that? Am I done yet?
These are the most hurtful to me, and not likely in the same way as most of you. When I found out I was expecting twins, my hormones were a mess, I was freaked, I was not of the “open to life” mentality, but of the “having too many children is an inconvenience” mentality. I had a tubal done with my C-section. That is why, even with an 18 y/o SS, 7 y/o, 3.5y/o, & 3.5y/o DDs, Grandma, DH, and a grandbaby (probably) due in December, I still feel empty. The tubal pretty much ruined my sense of humanity, and certainly and sense of femininity I held.

People can be so insensitive, because you never know what another person has been through. Next time anyone says one of those things to me, I’d like to use some of these quick comebacks, but then again, I’d also like to make them feel like poo for being so insensitive and just fall to the floor crying, “Oh, my baby boy… why’d you leave so soon…”:crying:

 

[dafalax]

I don’t even have a big family yet, but when my family found out we were expecting our SECOND child, i heard a lot of stupidity. I think the least offensive thing was my stepbrother calling me a “Fertile Myrtle”. My stepsister called me crazy. When I told my mom it was a birthday present since she would be born around mom’s b-day, my mother told me i was too generous. My stepfather asked if i knew where they came from. I said, “I think it has something to do with sneezing because whenever I sneeze someone says, “God bless you,” and He does.” Anyway, we’re 7 months pregnant with three and still haven’t told them. Since we live 6 states away i’m wondering how long I could go without them ever knowing . . .
Anyway they are spaced sort of close (eldest is 3 in Dec.) so i really don’t want to hear it. We had one boy and one girl and i think i mostly wanted another one because it just looked so modern secular American. Three is a much more Catholic number. I can wait for four, but i couldn’t wait for three. Does that seem crazy?