P
PhiloMed
Guest
There are miracles around us every day. The mere existence of us and our children is a miracle. But what are some things that you prayed for and turned out ok (even if not exactly what you thought you wanted)? What are your small miracles that the Vatican will never bother investigating, but never the less changed your life and reaffirmed (or affirmed) your faith?
I bring this up because I’ve been going through a really difficult time lately and I wanted to share my small miracle.
Baby #3 was born in April and, by any objective measure, has been thriving. Eats, sleeps, hitting his milestones. As a physician, I have both the benefit of understanding when something is wrong and also knowing far more than most parents so I can panic and jump to illogical conclusions. For example, wheezing = cystic fibrosis and a new bruise = leukemia.
I’m able to keep this in check most of the time, but at around 8 weeks ago, he developed a white spot on his belly. Seemingly unimportant to most people and even I ignored it for some time. I also noticed that there was a small mole type growth on his lower back that was there since a few days after birth but was also growing. I remembered something about neurocutaneous disorders and after a quick look in an old pediatrics text I realized what I was looking at were possibly two signs of something called Tuberous Sclerosis- a relatively rare genetic condition in which benign tumors grow on the organs and in the brain. The clinical picture can range from very benign and only being diagnosed as an adult to profound mental retardation with seizures. I was scared.
What’s worse is that I was scared and didn’t want to tell my husband. I knew what I knew and he isn’t medical in any way so he wouldn’t be able to be helpful. I asked my mom who is also a physician and specializes in neurology and has taken care of children with this disorder. I showed her the skin findings oping she would say “oh no, thats not what it looks like at all”. Instead she said “Hmm”. Not what I wanted to hear. She said to just watch for a little while. Meanwhile, I told DH who was understandably very worried. He consulted Dr. Google and got an unkind prognosis.
I became obsessed with these skin findings and made daily checks of them. I found excuses to change his diaper just to strip him down and look for other things. The worst thing I did, though, was shut down. Emotionally, I shut down. He was a baby with a problem, but not really my baby. I built a wall. I took care of his physical needs but managed to ice myself off because it would hurt too much if he was broken.
We had a regular visit with the pedi who was also unsure what the skin findings were and recommended I see a dermatologist. When I mentioned it to my mother she said she would like to come with me.
What I also began to do was pray. I always pray, but this was different. This was as close to the kind of prayer Jesus prayed when he bled as I am ever going to be able to muster. I began praying for the intercession of St. Jude and a few weeks later I began going to a church near my office for daily mass when my schedule allowed. On one Thursday I made it I realized they do a Thursday novena to St. Jude. That gave me some comfort.
Made an appointment with one of the few pediatric dermatologists in the area and waited the agonizing 4 weeks until the appointment.
After seeing the nurse, the medical student and the resident, a whole gang of doctors and students came in to see him. I knew very well what had happened. The med student told the resident who saw and suspected something wrong, who told the doctors who then rounded up the team for what might be an interesting case. I didn’t mind. I had been on many such teams myself.
I’ll mention that everyone there knew I was a physician. After a quick look at his belly and back, the pediatric dermatologist leading the pack said they were going to go into the hallway and talk for a bit and then come back in.
Stop right there. No, I will lose my mind if you walk out that door.
I blurted out. “Do you think he has tuberous sclerosis?”
“I really don’t think so.”
The next 30 minutes were a bit of a blur as we had what amounted to a roundtable discussion and examination of my son. Also calling on the expertise of my mother in the process. The thing on his back is totally unrelated to this disorder and is a benign growth that we should forget about. The white patch on his belly? Maybe it’s something. Maybe it isn’t. Only one doesn’t make a diagnosis. He’s totally normal and healthy right now so come back in about 6 months so they can take another look.
Here’s why this is an actual miracle and not just a hysterical mother coming back to reality…
There could have been something wrong. It wasn’t just my imagination. The physical findings were unusual enough to warrant a discussion of the possibilities, but I will take a “I really don’t think so. Come back in 6 months.” over “You should see our geneticist. Bring your husband and a box of tissues.”
So what was your miracle?
I bring this up because I’ve been going through a really difficult time lately and I wanted to share my small miracle.
Baby #3 was born in April and, by any objective measure, has been thriving. Eats, sleeps, hitting his milestones. As a physician, I have both the benefit of understanding when something is wrong and also knowing far more than most parents so I can panic and jump to illogical conclusions. For example, wheezing = cystic fibrosis and a new bruise = leukemia.
I’m able to keep this in check most of the time, but at around 8 weeks ago, he developed a white spot on his belly. Seemingly unimportant to most people and even I ignored it for some time. I also noticed that there was a small mole type growth on his lower back that was there since a few days after birth but was also growing. I remembered something about neurocutaneous disorders and after a quick look in an old pediatrics text I realized what I was looking at were possibly two signs of something called Tuberous Sclerosis- a relatively rare genetic condition in which benign tumors grow on the organs and in the brain. The clinical picture can range from very benign and only being diagnosed as an adult to profound mental retardation with seizures. I was scared.
What’s worse is that I was scared and didn’t want to tell my husband. I knew what I knew and he isn’t medical in any way so he wouldn’t be able to be helpful. I asked my mom who is also a physician and specializes in neurology and has taken care of children with this disorder. I showed her the skin findings oping she would say “oh no, thats not what it looks like at all”. Instead she said “Hmm”. Not what I wanted to hear. She said to just watch for a little while. Meanwhile, I told DH who was understandably very worried. He consulted Dr. Google and got an unkind prognosis.
I became obsessed with these skin findings and made daily checks of them. I found excuses to change his diaper just to strip him down and look for other things. The worst thing I did, though, was shut down. Emotionally, I shut down. He was a baby with a problem, but not really my baby. I built a wall. I took care of his physical needs but managed to ice myself off because it would hurt too much if he was broken.
We had a regular visit with the pedi who was also unsure what the skin findings were and recommended I see a dermatologist. When I mentioned it to my mother she said she would like to come with me.
What I also began to do was pray. I always pray, but this was different. This was as close to the kind of prayer Jesus prayed when he bled as I am ever going to be able to muster. I began praying for the intercession of St. Jude and a few weeks later I began going to a church near my office for daily mass when my schedule allowed. On one Thursday I made it I realized they do a Thursday novena to St. Jude. That gave me some comfort.
Made an appointment with one of the few pediatric dermatologists in the area and waited the agonizing 4 weeks until the appointment.
After seeing the nurse, the medical student and the resident, a whole gang of doctors and students came in to see him. I knew very well what had happened. The med student told the resident who saw and suspected something wrong, who told the doctors who then rounded up the team for what might be an interesting case. I didn’t mind. I had been on many such teams myself.
I’ll mention that everyone there knew I was a physician. After a quick look at his belly and back, the pediatric dermatologist leading the pack said they were going to go into the hallway and talk for a bit and then come back in.
Stop right there. No, I will lose my mind if you walk out that door.
I blurted out. “Do you think he has tuberous sclerosis?”
“I really don’t think so.”
The next 30 minutes were a bit of a blur as we had what amounted to a roundtable discussion and examination of my son. Also calling on the expertise of my mother in the process. The thing on his back is totally unrelated to this disorder and is a benign growth that we should forget about. The white patch on his belly? Maybe it’s something. Maybe it isn’t. Only one doesn’t make a diagnosis. He’s totally normal and healthy right now so come back in about 6 months so they can take another look.
Here’s why this is an actual miracle and not just a hysterical mother coming back to reality…
There could have been something wrong. It wasn’t just my imagination. The physical findings were unusual enough to warrant a discussion of the possibilities, but I will take a “I really don’t think so. Come back in 6 months.” over “You should see our geneticist. Bring your husband and a box of tissues.”
So what was your miracle?
