What are your views on raising a child on your own at the age of 19

[springbreeze]

utsc.utoronto.ca/~socsci/sever/pubs/hillock.pdf

Dear friend

Read the link above. I can see what you are saying and no-one has caused me any offence. It is clearly better for a child to have a mother and a father, but this is not always the case and for the most part if the adult left raising the child is stable and doesn’t rebel against the fact of having to be both mother and father to the child then the child will experience no adverse effects. It is when the standards of parenting are lowered by a flaw in the parent to not fully embrace their newly defined role as a single parent to that child that the damage is done to the child.

Yes there are many children who do not fair well in single parent families and there are many reports to support this also. Lack of support and social structures (as well as male role models) and an inability of the parent to sacrifice their own wants and desires in order to properly parent that child are the primary causes for this. There are also many children who do not fair well in married families, perhaps for different or similar reasons.

Single parenting requires twice the effort of a married couple raising children.

I should clearly say I am not against adoption. It is obviously right that a woman give birth and have a child adopted than to have an abortion.

Often times children that are born and given up for adoption do not find adoptive homes. They languish in foster care or children’s homes and this has a great detrimental effect on those children.

I would always advocate that a child remain with their natural parent/parents than be placed into any kind of social care or adoption and every help and safeguard should be in place for those parents who raise their own children rather than a constant stream of condemnation. If however the home provided by the natural parent is gravely disordered and detrimental to the child in mind, body and spirit, then of course in every instance the child’s welfare is of primary importance.

In society there is a distinct lack of community. There are very few parenting skills handed down from one generation to the next and communities are disjointed and insular. People don’t even know who their next-door neighbours are these days!

I feel society would greatly benefit from parenting skill classes and for a greater emphasis and encouragement be placed on community within families, extended families and people living in the same areas as well as within Parishes.

Ultimately a solid Gospel lived Catholic life, a Christian community, is what is clearly lacking in many sections of society, seperation from the Will of God leads to problem after problem. If the Gospel message is lived to it’s fullest we do not condemn we go to the aid of people even if we do not approve of their circumstances, we love them and we help them as we are all sinners, God has no favourites and is not a regarder of persons. We do this in order to create an environment where abortion or adoption are not an options that are even considered.

I have been thinking for a long time to attempt to set up a Christian charity to aid single parents. This does not condone the concept of going off and being a single parent, but moreover aids those who are most in need and for whatever reason find themselves coping alone with children. To provide help, support, friendship and love without condemnation nor judgementalism.

‘Whatever you did to the least of these you did it to Me’

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[Katie1723]

All very interesting posts as our opinions as to what someone “should” do when presented with a situation such as the original poster.
However, I would bet my last dollar that most of us would elect to raise a child on our own than give him/her up for adoption. It is not all that easy when it is you doing the deciding.
~ Kathy ~

 

[Elizabeth_B]

utsc.utoronto.ca/~socsci/sever/pubs/hillock.pdf

From the cited study:

Fifty-seven women who have been separated for an average of 6.8 years were interviewed.

I’ve seen this study cited before. If you read the details, you will see that the researchers surveyed only 57 women who were separated and/or divorced – not unmarried teenage mothers.

Furthermore, the mothers themselves assessed how their children were doing. The assesssments were not provided by child development professionals. It is not a surprise that the mothers thought the kids were doing fine.

It’s also interesting to note that the paper itself refers to many other studies which contradict its findings.

I realize that giving a child up for adoption is a heart-breaking decision. That is why it is so selfless when done to provide the best home for the child.

Often times children that are born and given up for adoption do not find adoptive homes. They languish in foster care or children’s homes and this has a great detrimental effect on those children.

This applies mainly to older and special-needs children. We definitely need to focus on helping these children. Most healthy infants are adopted quickly by parents who have completed a thorough screening process.

I realize that choosing what is best for a child is difficult. That is why we have to be careful with the information that we present. We need to evaluate “studies” critically to determine which to heed.

 

[Church_Militant]

I have a very dear friend who did exactly this and she and her son are doing beautifully. It was hard for her and sometimes it still is, I’m sure but she’s a strong lady and loves her son with all her heart.

The father is a young Jehovah’s Witness and his family wanted nothing to do with her and I guess blamed her for their son’s fall.

Her family love her son and have been very supportive of her all along.

I have to agree with Springbreeze on this and applaud her eloquent statement. :clapping:
Pax tecum,

 

[springbreeze]

Whilever there are people around with lots of opinions about the incapability of single parents you will continue to find the huge numbers forming queues for abortions. Such condemnation makes me feel very sad, especially as all people are sinners.

I respect you have your right to your opinions

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[springbreeze]

Church Militant:

I have a very dear friend who did exactly this and she and her son are doing beautifully. It was hard for her and sometimes it still is, I’m sure but she’s a strong lady and loves her son with all her heart.

Dear friend

I am so pleased that your friend decided to keep her son and that she has that all important support and love around her.

I am glad you are her friend also and are there for her and her son.

God Bless you all and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[springbreeze]

Christian4life:

P.S. Please work on your grammar. That is a major pet peeve and people will assume you are stupid if you can’t type correctly.

Dear friend

I didn’t like that statement directed towards Shiann, I find it a little unkind.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[Shiann]

springbreeze:

Dear friend

I didn’t like that statement directed towards Shiann, I find it a little unkind.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

Haha!

You know, I didn’t even see that… But I don’t think this poster was reading my posts anyway because I never referred to sin at all in my post.

Christian4life:

I totally agree with Shiann. This whole issue is not about the pre-marital sin. That has already been committed and there is nothing that can be done to change that except ask for forgiveness and try to do what’s right from now on.

I simply stated that from the perspective of the man in this situation, we cannot speculate on the status of his soul.

I figured that they were just a little confused.

Or is that confuzzed?

 

[springbreeze]

Dear friends

I have seen many times people spouting this and that and saying they would do this and that in given situations and then lo and behold that person finds themself in that position they had previously spouted on and find that they do not know what to do. I know people who have had abortions, I know people who have had their children adopted and I also know other single mother’s like myself. (I also have friends I write to who are alcoholics, mental health issues, drug abuse issues, etc etc as well as friends who are free from such crosses)

You might say I know and befriend a pretty motley crew of people, alot of bad sinners. You talk to anyone for long enough and know them well enough and you will find that all people have the darkest sins hidden in their hearts that they would not like to see the light of day nor made common gossip for people to pontificate upon as though they are holier than thou and can make such decisions about people’s souls or the benefits or downfalls as though God will not come to the aid of the fallen soul and grace it and at such a point as He wills it bring infinite good out of an otherwise poor situation.

We have God’s Law and we strive towards it everyday of our lives, that is and should be our intent. We always fall short of it though.

I love the people I know and have befriended and I would befriend the sinner everytime, being the sinner myself.

I have to say I cannot be doing with do-gooders who under that sheeps clothing secretly pat themselves on the back for not being quite as awful as those others who have sinned worse than they have in their eyes. Who think they have every solution for every person and name them as shameful and condemn them and their lives as hopeless. Who have very little mercy for the sinner and still worse pontificate on sin as though they are free from it.

I would say those people who had abortions, adoptions and who kept their children are all blameless because they acted as they thought best at the time for a whole host of reasons and subtleties that we cannot know ever what truly went on in their hearts. That mercy should be shown to them and that in this mercy they come to know Christ Jesus and the Law He brings not only for our salvation but also for our happiness here and in the next life.

If a person wants to do-good, then they should just do-good without judegment nor condemnation, it is with the measure we show mercy that we will be shown mercy.

Why do I have all these different people as my friends? Christ Jesus befriends the sinners. Because Christ Jesus is in each one of them, they bear the face of Christ Jesus and I am no-one to judge another human being.

At the end of the world everyone will know everyone else’s sins. Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, any soul who prays this will not be shamed for their sins as they pray for Christ Jesus’ Mercy of others and themselves.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[kmktexas]

operaboz:

What are your views on having a child outside of marrige and if the father wanted the baby to be aborted then would he go to hell(please pray for this cause)

Here’s my 2 cents. Age has nothing to do with it. At 19 she can drive, work, vote, serve her country, sign contracts, write checks and keep the money she wins if she wins the lottery. If she is your child, I know that she still seems to be your little one, but many people have started families successfully at that age or younger.

What IS important is whether she has a support system in place: physically, emothionally, financially and spitually. If so, then she will probably do just fine if she choses to keep the child. If not, make sure that she has plenty of information about adoption options and be supportive. She’s an adult and the choice is hers.

Either way, she needs to make sure she and the child are protected legally with regard to the father. He needs prayers and many a man has turned around upon seeing their infant child in person.

 

[Sasha]

Hi all,

There are lots of opinions both ways here. First, let me say that I firmly believe that until we are in a situation, we do not know for sure what we will do. So, I think everyone has to make up their own mind (between adoption and raising the child - I am against abortion).

I am posting to share another view that I don’t think has been shared yet - the view of someone who has been adopted. I can tell you that I am extremely grateful to my biological mother for having the courage to give me up for adoption. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for her. However, as a result, I was raised by loving parents, where I had an older brother and lots of family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) From what I know, my biological parents were both in university, and they were not together by the time I was born (I don’t know what the relationship was originally). My biological mother asked that I be adopted by Catholics, and I was raised in the faith. I had an amazing father, who was just about a saint, and still have a wonderful mother and brother. I have no desire to meet either biological parent. I understand that every situation is different, but there are many that say that children who are adopted have many problems and “don’t know who they are.” I know several other people who are also adopted and feel the same way that I do, so it is not a fair statement.

I did not post this to preach to anyone what they should do, so please don’t take it like that. I just wanted to let people know that adoption can really be a wonderful option.

I had to post this while trying to finish my lunch and had several interruptions, so if it is not completely coherent, please forgive me.

 

[On_my_way]

operaboz:

What are your views on having a child outside of marrige and if the father wanted the baby to be aborted then would he go to hell(please pray for this cause)

Having a child at 19 is hard enough, but raising the child on your own will be tough. With the support of your family, friends, and with the prayers of the people who know you then you will be allright. If the father wanted the baby aborted then he may not be a very loving father. Thats just my opinion i don’t know him he may be a great guy and have a good heart, but not to let the child see the light of day would be against everything that the Catholic Church stands for. Good luck and God Bless.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Sasha:

Hi all,

There are lots of opinions both ways here. First, let me say that I firmly believe that until we are in a situation, we do not know for sure what we will do. So, I think everyone has to make up their own mind (between adoption and raising the child - I am against abortion).

Hi Sasha, first, thank you for sharing your unique perspective as an adopted child. It is a beautiful testement to the joy, love, and courage needed by all parties in an adoption.

Now, to address your above quote to help make my postion a little more clear so as to remove some of the offence I earlier caused…

Most here seem to have a problem with me stating definitively that I would adopt my child out instead of keeping him/her to raise if I were a single woman.(my main reason being that I firmly believe that a child needs both a mother and a father).

You say that:

"until we are in a situation, we do not know for sure what we will do."

But right after that you say:

"(between adoption and raising the child - I am against abortion)."

I take this to mean that you are stating definitively that you know now that you would never have an abortion, even though you are not in the situation.

This seems like a direct contradiction to me.

Thankfully I am now married and will hopefully never have to face this tough decision. But I can still say that if I were to get pregnant by a man who had no interest in marrying me and being a father, that I would give my baby up for adoption. I hold this firm conviction so that in the event I am ever in the situation, I stand a better chance of fighting those strong emotions that will undoubtedly cloud my judgement.

Again, I am not saying that mother’s who keep their children are bad or incapable. I am stating my opinion, which I believe was what the original poster was asking for.

thanks for letting me try to clarify my position.

Malia

 

[Shiann]

Feanaro's Wife:

Hi Sasha, first, thank you for sharing your unique perspective as an adopted child. It is a beautiful testement to the joy, love, and courage needed by all parties in an adoption.

Now, to address your above quote to help make my postion a little more clear so as to remove some of the offence I earlier caused…

Most here seem to have a problem with me stating definitively that I would adopt my child out instead of keeping him/her to raise if I were a single woman.(my main reason being that I firmly believe that a child needs both a mother and a father).

You say that:

"until we are in a situation, we do not know for sure what we will do."

But right after that you say:

"(between adoption and raising the child - I am against abortion)."

I take this to mean that you are stating definitively that you know now that you would never have an abortion, even though you are not in the situation.

This seems like a direct contradiction to me.

Thankfully I am now married and will hopefully never have to face this tough decision. But I can still say that if I were to get pregnant by a man who had no interest in marrying me and being a father, that I would give my baby up for adoption. I hold this firm conviction so that in the event I am ever in the situation, I stand a better chance of fighting those strong emotions that will undoubtedly cloud my judgement.

Again, I am not saying that mother’s who keep their children are bad or incapable. I am stating my opinion, which I believe was what the original poster was asking for.

thanks for letting me try to clarify my position.

Malia

Thank you for clarifying your position… actually it was this statement that caused me the double take:
Feanaro's Wife:

It looks like I will be the lone voice voting for adoption over raising the child as a single parent.

You are completely correct in everything that you have written on this thread. I commend you on your conviction to give a child out of wedlock a life with an intact family if you could not provide that yourself. I thought I had made a statement to that affect in my own first post to this thread.

I often wonder if that would have been better for my daughter. And I submit that all unwed single mothers have thought of that AT LEAST once. But again, in my case I know in my heart my decision was best.

Thank you for not insinuating that all single mothers make a mistake by keeping their children. I think it is safe to say that many repentent unwed mothers know they have made mistakes, and the last thing they deserve is someone hitting them over the head with another supposed mistake involving their parenting decisions.

I apologize if I seemed more sensitive than necessary. It really wasn’t fair to bristle so when you were only speaking the truth of the majority of unwed pregnancies.

My own experience:

I decided to finish my degree, and started attending classes at my local college in the evenings. We would break from class for a few minutes and it would enrage me when several of the women in the halls would call home to tell their babies goodnight, then tell their babysitter (gramma) that they wouldn’t be home until after midnight. They were going over to a friend’s after class.

:banghead: ARG!

Imagine if those babies were snuggled between two loving adoptive parents rather than waiting for their young mother to get her thrills and head home… No contest.

Again, I want to thank you for your strong voice in this situation. I do feel like a hypocrit when I adamantly propose adoption to young mothers. Our cause needs people like to to advance it.

 

[Sasha]

Feanaro's Wife:

You say that:

"until we are in a situation, we do not know for sure what we will do."

But right after that you say:

"(between adoption and raising the child - I am against abortion)."

I take this to mean that you are stating definitively that you know now that you would never have an abortion, even though you are not in the situation.

This seems like a direct contradiction to me.

You’re right. I guess all I can really say is that I would really hope that is the one option I would never consider. I am also married now, so I shouldn’t have to be faced with that choice.

The main reason I put that in there is because I recognize that this is a very sensitive issue and I did not want to come across as someone who thought they had all the answers and you should all agree with me or you are wrong - but abortion is the worst “choice” I could imagine. If it had been easier back in 1970, I might not be here today. Some times when I put things in writing it can come across the wrong way, so I was trying to avoid that reaction.

And now I am rambling, and probably not making any sense. Sorry. It’s been a long day and my brain is pretty fried at this point. I know what I am trying to say, but I am getting less articulate as the day goes on. Please feel free to ignore me if you can’t make sense out of what I am trying to say.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Shiann:

Thank you for clarifying your position… actually it was this statement that caused me the double take:

It looks like I will be the lone voice voting for adoption over raising the child as a single parent.

*Sorry for the misunderstandings… When I posted, I really thought I was the only one for adoption over raising the baby, sorry *

You are completely correct in everything that you have written on this thread. I commend you on your conviction to give a child out of wedlock a life with an intact family if you could not provide that yourself. I thought I had made a statement to that affect in my own first post to this thread.

Thanks, but it is really just my opinion…I don’t know if it is correct, but it is what I would hope to do.

Of course, I say this as a 28 year old, married, almost-Catholic. If I had become pregnant out of wedlock at a young age, there is a very likely chance that I would have kept the baby. I was convinced that it would be my baby and my parents would have to help me raise it. I had no concept of what the baby needed. Thankfully, I did not become pregnant.

I often wonder if that would have been better for my daughter. And I submit that all unwed single mothers have thought of that AT LEAST once. But again, in my case I know in my heart my decision was best.

It is almost impossible to determine if a different choice would have been better once you have already made it and are raising your daughter.

You are in love with her… her smiles, her laugh, her “mommy, I love you”. How on earth could you ever imagine not raising her now???

My opinion comes strictly from my belief that a child does best with a mom and a dad. But once a choice has been made, as in your case, I believe that the parent should do the best that they can… you sound as though you are doing absolutely everything in your power for your daughter. You must be an amazing woman. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mommy like you .

Thank you for not insinuating that all single mothers make a mistake by keeping their children. I think it is safe to say that many repentent unwed mothers know they have made mistakes, and the last thing they deserve is someone hitting them over the head with another supposed mistake involving their parenting decisions.

I would hope that my words would never come off as self righteous or hurtful to anyone. I have utter respect for anyone tackling parenting on their own. It is a hard enough job even with two dedicated parents.

I apologize if I seemed more sensitive than necessary. It really wasn’t fair to bristle so when you were only speaking the truth of the majority of unwed pregnancies.

No need to apologize. I knew what I was getting into when I dared to post on a thread about single motherhood when I am not even a mommy. But I felt that my opinion needed to be voiced and I would do my best… it is hard to convey a message with typed words and not have it taken in many other ways than intended.

My own experience:

I decided to finish my degree, and started attending classes at my local college in the evenings. We would break from class for a few minutes and it would enrage me when several of the women in the halls would call home to tell their babies goodnight, then tell their babysitter (gramma) that they wouldn’t be home until after midnight. They were going over to a friend’s after class.

:banghead: ARG!

Imagine if those babies were snuggled between two loving adoptive parents rather than waiting for their young mother to get her thrills and head home… No contest.

Maybe those moms feared getting too attached to their babies, because then they would feel guilty everytime they left them? It seems to happen a lot with the working moms who choose to use daycare. They convince themselves that their babies are fine without them so that they feel better about their choices. (here I am speaking strictly of parents who choose daycare because they are selfish and greedy…**not **the parents who have to use daycare)

continued…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Shiann:

Again, I want to thank you for your strong voice in this situation. I do feel like a hypocrit when I adamantly propose adoption to young mothers. Our cause needs people like to to advance it.

Don’t feel like a hypocrite. That is just as silly as someone who used to engage in fornication feeling like a hypocrite for telling their child not to do it. We all make mistakes and we all have the choice to learn from them.

Just because you chose to raise your daughter doesn’t mean that you can’t feel like adoption is a valid or sometimes preferred choice. You are the perfect person to tell these young girls of the sacrifice it takes to be a single parent.

Not all pregnant girls would be as ready to assume as much responsibilty as you did. You can be their reality-check so that they don’t think that it is ok to keep
baby, leave baby with grandma, and continue partying and having fun.

I salute you and all other single moms and dads who truly put their child’s needs above their own and are raising our next generation. Thank you!

Malia

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Sasha:

You’re right. I guess all I can really say is that I would really hope that is the one option I would never consider. I am also married now, so I shouldn’t have to be faced with that choice.

Sorry to use your post as my example, but it really did contradict itself I hope you don’t mind too much.

I know exactly what you are talking about when you say that you know what you are trying to say, but it comes across all different when typed. The same thing keeps happening to me, lol.

Thanks again for sharing your beautiful story about being adopted. I have a feeling that there are many more like you, but as always, the negative stories get all the attention.

Malia

 

[Sasha]

Feanaro's Wife:

Sorry to use your post as my example, but it really did contradict itself I hope you don’t mind too much.

I know exactly what you are talking about when you say that you know what you are trying to say, but it comes across all different when typed. The same thing keeps happening to me, lol.

Thanks again for sharing your beautiful story about being adopted. I have a feeling that there are many more like you, but as always, the negative stories get all the attention.

Malia

Trust me… I don’t mind at all. In fact, I love to tell my story, in case some one hasn’t heard my version.

God Bless you all,
Sasha’s mom