What can I do, help please?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Sg231179
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Sg231179

Guest
Hello

I need some advice please. I know I am sinning and need advice as am in a dilemma. I have been with my partner for 13 years now, we are unmarried and have 4 young children together during this time. Over the last 12 months god has come into our lives and now all our 4 children have been baptised with two of them now fully receiving communion. Our two other children are currently on the sacremental programme at church to receive first communion at easter.
My partner and i are fully committed at church too and play active roles helping with various activities. We also want to be fully baptised and have very recently joined the rcia programme to achieve this.
However, being baptised is what I want I also want to receive communion too which I have been told I cannot do as we are unmarried. The problem I have is that I love my children and don’t want to separate from them but at the same time we will not be getting married. We have had issues in our relationship which has stopped us from getting married and both agree getting married now is not the answer and would be worse if it ended in divorce.

I am told I will have to marry or separate which would be emotional terrible for my children and at the same time marriage is not an option. I just don’t know what to do and love God but the pain I feel when I imagine leaving the home and my kids behind is unbearable.
 
Thank you for your reply. My priest has told me that I will need to marry or separate as I am committing mortal sin so will not be allowed to receive communion otherwise.
I do know though that in my heart being unable to receive communion is not an option. So I either accept I cannot receive communion or leave my family behind and separate which in turn would affect my children’s life with the church too due to upset etc.
 
This sounds incredibly difficult. Priests would certainly be your best confessor. I am not a Priest but I know you and your potential wife should continue to pray about this.
 
I have heard that couples who are divorced and civilly remarried may be able to live together as brother and sister and receive Holy Communion if separation is impossible. It seems like it is in this case.
 
Your story of your family coming home to God and His Church is wonderful. Praise be to God.

Who has told you that you cannot be baptised
 
There is also the option to stay under the same rooth but engaged yourself to not haave any physical relations, as a couple may have. This is something that couple who have had a previous marriage, that is still sacramental do.

But in order to receive the communion, I think the priest should be aware of the agreement.
 
Sg231179 said:
Over the last 12 months god has come into our lives and now all our 4 children have been baptised with two of them now fully receiving communion. Our two other children are currently on the sacremental programme at church to receive first communion at easter.
Click to expand...
I just want to say that I am so very grateful to God that you have found your way into the church and the sacraments. I know you have a story to tell how that came about!
I hope that your difficulties get straightened out with the help of God and grace.
 
Sg231179 said:
However, being baptised is what I want I also want to receive communion too which I have been told I cannot do as we are unmarried. The problem I have is that I love my children and don’t want to separate from them but at the same time we will not be getting married. We have had issues in our relationship which has stopped us from getting married and both agree getting married now is not the answer and would be worse if it ended in divorce.
Click to expand...
I don’t understand - - why can you not choose to get married? You already have four children together, so if you don’t get married, what will you do? Don’t you want your children to have the security of married parents? Are you thinking of marrying someone else - - also not sacramentally? Living separately? Live together as you are now? Has either of you been married before?
Every marriage has its problems, I don’t understand why you can’t get married at this time? I think there is more to the story that you are not telling us.
 
Last edited:
Sg231179 said:
I am told I will have to marry or separate which would be emotional terrible for my children and at the same time marriage is not an option.
Click to expand...
There may be options to live in the same household as you work towards resolving your issues.

Talk to your pastor— not a secretary, not well meaning people here or in the pews, not the RCIA Director. Talk to the pastor, separately or together.
 
As others have said, there is a third option. You can choose to abstain from sexual relations (live in continence) while remaining under the same roof for the sake of your children.

Ask you priest about this option.
 
I’m very sorry for you. Please talk to a priest about this.

Unfortunately you will have to choose one of the three options others have laid out. Joining the church just to live a life you know is wrong is a very perilous choice. I also suggest you be honest with yourself about whether or not living as brother and sister is something you’re capable of. I can be honest that I wouldn’t be.

I would recommend going to adoration with your partner on a regular basis, consulting a priest, and not closing yourself to any of the options right off the bat. God, as earthly fathers do, sometimes asks for things we don’t want to give Him. Listen for what He asks. It’ll be ok. Be encouraged.

“In this world you will have troubles; but take heart. I have overcome the world.”
 
Get married and stop playing house. Sorry if that’s harsh but it seems you want your cake…Divorce is awful but why focus on it as a probable outcome? God bless.
 
Last edited:
Maybe you just have to be patient and wait until God changes hearts and you can get married. Until then go to mass and receive communion by desire. I think the Lord will be pleases. Continue to pray.
 
Hello. The reason marriage is not going to happen is that over our 13 year relationship before we found God various issues arose and i didn’t suppport her when i should and gradually over time no longer trusts me in the same way or feels the same about me anymore. Granted it is my own fault and accept that, I have never cheated or been with anyone else but so much has happened and feelings are no longer the same. We don’t want to separate especially as the upset will be very hard for our children and agree marriage is the last thing we want. None of us have been married before but because of past issues my partner will not get married and I can respect that.
 
Last edited:
First, congratulations on your ongoing faith journey!
I know your situation is all tangled up, and I’m going to pray for you all. :pray:t2:
I’m afraid nobody here can give you the go-ahead to have sex with somebody you’re not married to.
My best advice is to talk to your priest for spiritual direction.
God bless 🙂
 
When God enters into our life something must change. The presence of God in our personal situation is not just a surplus, but it is something that should make us rethink ourselves, that should be the foundation of our choices and of our expectations. My modest advice is to look at your situation and at the past events of your relationship under a new point of view, the point of view of the faith. Faith is what can bring light in the dark and complicated situations of our life. The discernment process can’t be limited to a sort of human psychotherapy, because that is going to fail. Find a good priest, who is able to explain the nature of Christian marriage and what marrying in Christ means. The biggest issue with marriage nowadays is that Christian spouses don’t really know what the sacrament of marriage really is, and they look at it just as a way of “regularizing” their situation. And the some goes for the Eucharist. Find a priest that can guide you through your issues under the perspective of the faith.
Pax
 
Thanks for your reply! Is it possible, that if you gradually become a better, more loving, less selfish person, she might see the value in marriage? To you? Because don’t you both see the value in marriage, that it would allow you both to join the Church, and receive all the sacraments? How do you two feel about confession? All these sacraments bring Grace to your relationship! Maybe you could have a secret plan to woo her and win her back! All things are possible through Christ! Also, there are lots of helpful books out there, like “Divorce busting”. If she’s still sleeping with you, I’d say there is still hope. 😉
 
Last edited:
If you’re not willing to marry your partner because of “issues” and you’re not willing to live as brother and sister until you work out these “issues” and can marry, then you must take your children and leave the premises. Or have your partner leave. You can’t both stay under the same roof under these circumstances. And if your feelings for one another have changed, remaining under the same roof out of convenience and “for the sake of the children” isn’t going to work marriage or no marriage.

Changes must be made if you wish to receive Holy Communion. Your priest has told you what you must do. Now you must decide whether to obey his counsel or not. Be a positive role model for your children and do the right thing.

When push comes to shove, who do you love more? God or living in sin?
 
Honestly, if the relationship isn’t committed enough for getting married, having sex is not the best idea. Why should you be that close when you don’t have a fundament of trust and commitment? Why risking another pregnancy in this situation?
 
Sounds like your most pressing problem right now is the lousy relationship you have with your girlfriend. Is there any way she would go to couples counseling?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top