What can I do to turn this ship around?

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MariaRita5

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I have posted before a rather long thread about blasphemous and hateful thoughts. My counselor and I have determined that I do not have OCD and that the thoughts I have are habit-forming. I feel I have seriously screw up my salvation. I promise you they are coming out of me, they are not intrusive. I allowed myself to be bombarded by malicious thoughts about God, Mary, Jesus, and other people over the course of a few months. I failed to trust. I scrupled at first. Then I got horribly selfish. I clearly remember lying in bed depressed and miserable and thinking to myself, “If you love God you will get out of bed this instant,” and I blasphemed. Horrible. I went to confession over and over. The thoughts would not stop. I tried to distract myself. That didn’t work. I kept getting entangled in snares until I ended up condemning myself and thinking about suicide. I ended up in the mental hospital. The thoughts would not stop. It changed me. Now I keep confessing blasphemy, cursing at and insulting other people, profanity, and vulgarity in my thoughts over and over. I wasted Lent in lukewarmness and kept failing to work on my sins. I try to pray, but I think I don’t even know how to pray because I can’t get past these wicked thoughts that I think about and toward God and other people. The worst part is that I can’t even cry over them anymore. I’ve thought terrible things about my own mother and feel nothing anymore. And I have called Mother Mary unspeakable things. I’ve told my therapist it’s like I have hell inside of me. My parents think I’m getting better because my mood has improved, but they have no idea who I am on the inside. And for the past two days I’ve been utterly selfish and slept in rather than going to confession. I want to put up more of a fight now because I am tired of living in darkness and want so badly to live in Christ’s light and love, but I don’t know how to fix this. These thoughts are so automatic now, it’s like my brain is wired for evil. It’s horrifying, but even as I’m typing this I have no emotions. It could possibly be my mood stabilizer, but I don’t know for sure. I want to love instead of think hatred and vileness, and I’m starved for Jesus (I haven’t received the Eucharist in so long), and I’m just tired of living like this. But when I try to will good thoughts toward God and Mary and toward other people, evil thoughts follow. What can I do? I’m now willing to work very hard on this, and I’m going to confession tomorrow, but I’m scared that my soul is dead and that God is angry with me for not following through with my confessions and making every effort to stop sinning. How do I turn around? I feel so stuck, and I’m terrified that I’m damned because my heart is so messed up. I’ve started to pray the Rosary with my parents, and I lead it, but I feel like such a fake because I can’t focus enough to meditate on the mysteries and keep thinking these horrific thoughts. Please pray for me. And make reparations on my behalf because I have offended Our Lady and God so much. I’ll do whatever it takes to repair this even if it takes me years.
 
I used to be furious with God, sometimes I still am. I have a porn addiction, I have been to confession and not followed through. My parents have no idea who I am on the inside either. Just know how much God and Our Lady love you. I still have mean thoughts about my parents, I blame them for all of my problems, even though I have caused some myself. I bet that God is happy your trying to do better and trying to go to confession. Prayer will also really help you, I found that when I didn’t pray I was miserable and filled with guilt inside of me. I also I have a bad depression right now, and have thought about suicide so I know how you feel. It is possible that your mood stabilizer is affecting you, I have known this to affect other people. I also like to say"Jesus, I trust in you" and go to adoration. I used to feel like God hated me for my sins, now I know he will never hate me. I will pray for you, hang in there and message me if you want to talk about anything.
 
This book WILL help you;

‘The Miracle Ship’ by Brian O’ Hare
And
‘Unbound’ by Neal lozano
(available for download onto the kindle app on your computer or smartphone or ipad when purchased as kindle ebook on amazon.com),
(Unbound is also available as an audio book on audible.com)

And:

‘The Key to Powerful Prayer’ by John Gillespie.
(Paperback book available from Veritas online).

Free ebooks about your worries over spiritual warfare are the two downloadable ebooks on www.larrycummins.ie

These books are about how to think positively with faith. And how to recognise and rebuke scruples.

These books are AMAZING and practical, about how to think positive faith-filled/ peaceful thoughts.

In the words of Matthew Kelly:
  1. change your thoughts, changes your habits
  2. changing your habits, changes your life
Stop focusing on God’s justice and instead focus on God’s mercy.

It seems to me that you are struggling thinking that temptations are sins, and that all thoughts are mortal sins. A thought is only a temptation if you don’t decide upon the thought in agreement.
The saints were all tempted with temptations.

Another fantastic area to read up on is Ignatian Discernment’: such as the book ‘The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything’, (based on the writings of St Ignatius of Loyola) who believed people go through times of consolation (peace from God), and times of desolation (negativity from satan).
Sometimes, the moments of desolation are earned by: our sins/ bad thought habits/ actions. One way St Ignatius says desolation can happen is if a person is unbalanced and too extreme: if someone is praying 9 hours a day,/ a workaholic working 22 hours a day, etc that person is outside of God’s plan, because they are overdoing something, and in turn neglecting time that belongs to career, family, hobbies, recreation, rest, and others.

Read the catechism and familiarize yourself with what a mortal sin is. A mortal sin is breaking the Commandments by action/ thought/ decision.
A temptation , and / accidental thought, is not a sin if you disagree with the temptation.

You need a Spiritual Director priest who will meet with you once a month for confession that can deal with scruples and understand and advise you on this ☺️
 
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Friend: Jesus loves you. Stop condemning yourself. I am certain those thoughts are only temptations and none of them are mortal sins.

When praying focus on the thought: I love Jesus and Mary. Simply think that while you pray the rosary instead of trying to overcomplicate and and have an intense meditation for every single word or phrase (it seems possible that satan is tempting you to over extreme scruples and legalism, and an overly exaggerated view of God’s Justice and that anything at all is mortal sin).

It is not a mortal sin to find it difficult to pray. It is not a mortal sin to find it difficult to meditate on the rosary.

Less is more. Quality is more important than quantity.

Start off small: Three Hail Marys and the St Michael prayer at minimum each day.

St Ignatius of Loyola wrote: ‘never force another person to pray as you do.’ Because everyone is unique and certain prayers suit different people.
Maybe the Divine Mercy chaplet suits you better? (Only takes 4 minutes,) ☺️
 
Please please keep contact with your doctor.
Medical problems require medical solutions. Anyone can get depressed and there is help.
Please seek help.
 
Your problem could be:
  1. yourself; eg: scruples
  2. satan tempting you;
  3. some physical reason,
So:
If it is scruples; you need to pause. And think: do I knock myself down with negative thoughts all day, or do I think positive thoughts and notice the good in things all day? Change your habits changes your thoughts.
Pause. That thought I had. Was it deliberate? Was it a mortal sin? (Check the catechism section of the Commandments). A mortal sin is breaking a commandment deliberately, in full knowledge and full freedom. Temptation Thoughts are not mortal sins. Agreeing in consent with a mortal sin in thoughts is what is a mortal sin in ones thoughts.

If it is satan tempting you: attend some catholic charismatic prayer meetings/ healing masses, many people experience different forms of deliverance at these. Maybe organise a meeting with the diocesan exorcist (for deliverance prayers). Get a mass said for your family tree.

If it is physical: focus on eating whole foods, eating enough fruit/ veg/ whole grains, not processed foods or sugar, and getting 8 hrs sleep each night/ 30mins exercise daily, and some social time/ hobby time daily. For mental health benefits.
 
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Go to confession and then go back to Communion each sunday.

It appears as it satan may be tempting you with scruples (that aren’t even sins), to hold you back from communion, and from a peacefilled life.

Jesus said: ‘My peace I give you! Not as the world gives peace, but My Own Peace I GIVE YOU.’ ☺️☺️☺️☺️ Receive Jesus peace now and act in faith, not fear of judgement, but with faith in God’s mercy.

St peter fell many many times. Even after seeing Jesus miracles and denying Jesus and after the resurrection he tried to please some pharisees who believed christians should be circumcised, instead of despairing Peter would repent then pick up his cross with faith that Jesus had forgiven him,

Don’t sink in the waves of doubt, walk on the waves with faith in Jesus Mercy.

‘And as the apostles huddled in fear in the upper room, Jesus appeared in their midst, breathed on them and said: ‘PEACE be with you.’ ☺️☺️☺️☺️
 
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But stay going to your doctor and counsellor. Listen to them.
 
I can’t add anything to the really good advice given to you but, some reading that you might find helpful:-
Which Saints Suffered from Temptations and Evil Thoughts?

ON BAD THOUGHTS – St. Alphonsus

St. Alphonsus Maria de Liguori - Saints’ Books pdf page 356 On Bad Thoughts a pdf file will d/l, then scroll through to page 356 for this Saints writings on bad thoughts.

I will pray for you today that our good Lord will help you overcome this trial, grow in faith and trust, and give you peace of mind.
 
I read St. Alphonsus’ On Bad Thoughts after all of this started happening. I know that mortal sin consists in having a bad will and consenting to bad thoughts. I fear my will is bad and needs purifying because like I said in my post these thoughts are habit-forming. I know I’ve definitely willed many of them myself. Part of the problem is that my mental focus is very poor, and I have a hard time dismissing thoughts. They stick. I tried to pray my penance this morning (10 Hail Marys) and spent the whole time having and trying to resist evil thoughts about Mary, thoughts I’ve had before. Then the congregation that was gathered for daily Mass was praying the Divine Mercy, and I had the thought, “F*** these people,” and I stopped praying the chaplet to pray for the congregation, but I could not stop thinking the thought. It’s like this every day. I have a bad habit of using the f-word in my mind towards other people, which is horrible, along with some other insults that involve profanity. It’s not like I’m angry with anyone, but I think I really struggle with looking down on other people for the smallest things. The blasphemous thoughts are the worst because I feel so cut off from God because of them, and I now want so badly to love Him instead of insulting and disrespecting Him and Mary. I mean, I have called them awful things to their faces and if I could take it all back I’d do it instantly because they love me. I keep remembering so many of the bad thoughts that I’ve had, and I wish I could just forget them. I take absolutely no delight in all of this, yet at the same time I can’t even cry over it anymore because I have to get on with life, and I’m just so used to these thoughts at this point. Can temptations come from yourself? From past thoughts you’ve had? And if you have really horrible mental habits that you’re trying to break is it venial sin or mortal sin? I’m in a vicious cycle, and I know God doesn’t want that for me. I don’t want this for me either. I’m constantly stuck in my head. When I pray, my prayers feel horribly dry, and I feel so alone, like I’m talking to myself. I know God is always present, but I have no idea how to practice His presence because I’m so stuck in these thoughts. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I just want to love instead of being so hateful and stuck inside of myself.
 
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Start a 54-day Rosary novena with the specific intention of your imagination being freed of these thoughts. If that doesn’t work, do another one, and another, etc… Also remember that emotions, strictly speaking, are irrelevant. Messed up or absent emotions can be a sign of a disorder, but are not sins. Focus on redirecting your will towards what is good, then your imagination and thoughts. Specifically read that St. Alphonsus link posted by @CRV on the 3 stages of bad thoughts (suggestion, delectation, consent). It is possible that you are confusing delectation with consent, a very easy thing to do. Of course, figure this out with the help of your confessor - we are not qualified to rule on it for you.

Other food for thought. Given that you are still living, everything that happens to you still (as distinct from what you choose to do, which may or may not be ordered towards this) has a purpose intended by God to work towards your salvation. This is true regardless of whether or not you are at this moment in the state of grace. This includes the most hideous temptations, even if your current state was brought about by undeniably evil actions which you committed in the past. The past is itself irrelevant with respect to what you must do now, except as an indicator. (Ie: as a means of discovering patterns of behaviour, etc)

I have personally struggled with something similar to you and understand the horror. One of my coping mechanisms is to attempt to treat every single temptation (whether intrusive or otherwise) as a reminder to resort to prayer. The specific moments that I feel particularly week are the specific moments when I need to make a special effort of the will to reject the evil. Show the Enemy that there will be a one-for-one retaliation for every temptation. Doubly so if you happen to fall. If he steps up the intensity of the temptation, you intentionally step up the intensity of your prayer. If all you can manage is vocal prayer such as saying a Hail Mary or St. Michael prayer over and over, then so be it. Make it clear that you will treat every temptation as a reminder to strive for holiness, and they will most likely become less frequent. You are at war; the Devil is graciously (sarcasm) reminding you of the fact. Show him that he is a fool for doing so. Even if it is as you say, and these temptations are coming mostly from your own formed habits rather than demonic obsession, this approach will not hurt you. Also, it is unlikely that you can be 100% sure of the source in any given case, although I defer to those more qualified than I on that subject.
 
Also, I defer to Fr. Chad Ripperger in talking about obsession. He states that the number one means to overcoming these types of issues is through meditation. (I can’t remember the specific talk - but I’ll link if I find it.) Through meditation, you are shifting the battle ground. It is no longer temptation vs. you, but temptation vs. Heaven. I know this may difficult when the very matter that you try to use for meditation can become the subject of a blasphemous attack. But just stick with it, focus on refusing consent to the blasphemous thoughts that do come up, offer up the suffering you experience from the ones that do present themselves to you, and otherwise just try your best to ignore them as much as possible. If you choose to undergo the strain of trying to meditate despite the pain it causes, God will see that and reward you in some manner. Once again, your emotional response or lack thereof is completely irrelevant in all of this.

Also, take hope. It is obvious that you do have at least some intention of reparation so that at least is a positive sign. Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss further. God Bless.
 
Maria Rita

Bear in mind that Satan and the demons have access to the imagination. They can plant thoughts in our minds. It can be done so insidiously and subtly that it can be very hard to distinguish their origin. Oftentimes we attribute these thoughts to ourselves when in reality they do not come from us at all. Perhaps they wish for us to believe the thoughts come from us so that we feel so unworthy of God’s love and begin to develop self loathing and such discouragement that we just give up on God. Also when we have been away from the Church and God for a long time we can have demons attached to us and such is their hatred of God that when we are in church or are trying to pray, they react with blasphemy and hatred towards God and others that they spew out their contempt and it seems that it is we who are thinking these things but in reality it is the demons and not us.

Do not despair or give up. Persevere. Go to mass, receive the Eucharist and keep doing this. This will weaken the demons over time. Going regularly to adoration will help to weaken them also. And pray the rosary. Fill yourself with Jesus who is light and eventually He will drive out the darkness. Be patient and persevere. It is a trick of the devil. That’s all. A trick, a deception. Do not fall for it.
 
How do I know this? Because I experienced a similar thing many years ago and used to be distressed and appalled at myself thinking these thoughts came from me. It was only when I kept going to mass, receiving the Eucharist and going to frequent confession and adoration that the tide turned and the thoughts decreased in intensity and frequency. I then read somewhere what I explained to you that the demons can and do, put thoughts into our minds. This was explained by a Saint whose name I cannot recall offhand but it rang true.

You can be free of this torment by doing what I recommend. God bless you.
 
OP, this is a gentle suggestion and not mean to be mean-spirited in any way; and, really, it’s a suggestion to many posters as a site improvement that would benefit us all, as this is a recurring problem at CAF.

Please consider using paragraph breaks. A wall of text is awfully hard to read and it causes you to lose readers (and presumably all of us want readers, since we’re spending our time typing out our thoughts here 😃).

I, for one, can’t read all of the thousands of posts made here every day, so I have to pick and choose with my limited reading time. When a post is 30 lines with no visual break (like the first post is on my PC; on my phone it’s 85 lines), I just skip it and move on to other posts I can read and comprehend more easily.
 
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There are 12 step programs for dealing with porn addiction. You can participate online if there are no meetings in your area. Best of all it is a spiritual program that not only addresses the porn, but helps us over come our resentments, twisted perspectives, and teaches us to live life with spiritual principles and gratitude.

It’s saved and turned my life around. I was a slave to a variety of behaviors and substances but now I am free.
 
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MariaRita5 said:
My parents think I’m getting better because my mood has improved, but they have no idea who I am on the inside.
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Your parents may have no idea who you are on the inside, but God does and Our Lady does and what’s more is that they understand more than you do what is going on and will never turn away from you. Remember when those that killed Jesus were doing much more than blaspheming Him and His response… “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:24) There is nothing that you can say or do that will make God abandon you.
 
MariaRita5 said:
How do I turn around?
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First ask God, angels, and saints for help. Then form a habit of talking to them throughout the day. Then you can make a confession if needed and receive sanctifying grace. First you have to decide to try. You can ask the question: Am I willing to give up … [fill in the thing]? Answer it truthfully.
 
MariaRita5 said:
Part of the problem is that my mental focus is very poor, and I have a hard time dismissing thoughts. They stick. I tried to pray my penance this morning (10 Hail Marys) and spent the whole time having and trying to resist evil thoughts about Mary, thoughts I’ve had before. Then the congregation that was gathered for daily Mass was praying the Divine Mercy, and I had the thought, “F*** these people,” and I stopped praying the chaplet to pray for the congregation, but I could not stop thinking the thought. It’s like this every day.
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These sound intrusive and reflexive, which means they don’t sound deliberate. Do you call yourself out on it when they come into your mind? Do you try to push these away when you realize it’s happening but they keep coming?

First, I highly suggest scheduling an appointment with a priest to discuss your concerns. This doesn’t replace professional medical advice, but it sounds like you could use some counsel on the situation.

Second, it sounds like you’re so focused on not having the thoughts that it just puts you in a downward spiral. Part of me suggests comparmentalizing. Don’t obsess over them. Maybe do a small set of prayers for five to ten minutes each night, and don’t stress about having perfect thoughts all the way through.

I am not a professional and what I recommend should not replace medical advice you receive from doctors or spiritual advice from a priest or trained counselor.
 
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