What can I do to turn this ship around?

[Saint_Prince_Caspian]

#1
When you do an examination of your conscience in blindness, it’s honestly hard. What do I mean by that (if you are pondering and asking)?

I have been to Confession countless times. I have even gone twice in a day!

Without getting too twisted. My engulfed life in porn and things of the sexual nature have created that distortion. And lends me to so many problems in my life. And of course going through some trauma and abuse as a child did not help either.

The reality is even though what I suffered as child is not my fault. And even it can be examined that my sins have stemmed from something I had very little to no control over. Gave me a ruinous path in life.

I could blame my parents. However, what I can do is take my Cross, and carry it. Not on my own. Not by my own might. That’s a serious danger when this is done. And maybe over examining one’s conscience (or call it self examination of conscience) is not really a good thing.

I take every chance as much as possible to go to Confession. Even if what I do not know is a sin. You can even ask the the Priest in Confession: “Hi Father, is this a sin? This is what I did today?”

The Priest takes the burden from your soul. He tries to work things out with you. In order to make your willful trust in the Sacrament of Confession work. Meaning, to help you Carry your Cross in a Salvific Way as Christ showed.

The devil works too. But also our own souls, due to the fall. God allows the rebellious devil who takes no correction, and certainly no admonishment. To be our admonishment like the Seraph Serpents that bit God’s people in the ankle. The Lord allows the devil, if he will not be an obedient angel, to help with Salvation nonetheless. God places that curse on him when He stated this way back in the Garden of Eden, telling how He will put enmity between the devil’s seed, and Eve’s (which would through Our Lady and the Church.)

Thus, our souls go under the examination of conscience in sin.

 

[Saint_Prince_Caspian]

#2
Just keep going to Confession. Always be prayerful and mindful. Thank God everyday. Allow the Priest who help you. Do not do it on your own.

What else can I say?
Oh yes, I have gone to Confession when a priest tells me I have OCD (wish he meant Discalced Carmelite Order.) But he meant not a Holy Order, but a psychological disorder. Either way, he succeeded in being a Priest when giving me Absolution for my sins. I have had a priest when I spoke of my sexual sins, asking to pray for me. He even asked me to pray for him.

Those are my special priests. Because, I remember them, even subconsciously in my prayers.

I love my Priests! I love the Holy Father! I love the Church!

I can always go to Confession, get insight on my sins, past failings, stumbling blocks, and falls. And, they listen. Even a Hispanic Priest who tells me his English is not good. I will go back to him. Not because in my heart, where it goes like this…“Alright! He doesn’t speak English really well. That’s it! Perfect! Because, he won’t understand, he will give me Absolution, and it makes it easier!” Actually, my heart though carries that temptation is entirely wrong. This Priest, has the ability to understand sin, temptation, and the fall.

I have had the best encouragement from five different priests at different times of Confession. Well more than that. And I will always go. Confession is a habit for me. Honestly habit forming. I feel I need to go. And there a good priests who tell me: “You should try to go once a week.” Not everyday. You fall, you stumble. And you go back. You listen to the priest. You pray. They give you counsel and advice through, and by the Holy Spirit. They never Sacrifice the Truth. Nor do they ever abandon Charity.

Best Spiritual Direction: Confession.
Best Avenue and Approach to the Psychology in facing habits of sin and intemperance: Confession
Best place to know God loves you, than to leave you where you are: Confession
Best place to be ready for Mass: Confession

Penance is the best observed place to be. Without it, there’s not hope. For without Penance, one is saying sin does not exist. Or they do not sin. Saint Paul said it was a lie, to say that.

Penance is also how you enable the Church to get rid of the rot that Josef Ratzinger (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI) had articulate in his essay on the sexual abuse and crimes done under the Priesthood.

If you want to help the Bride of Christ to best see how to ensure not only this doesn’t happen again. Most importantly, to ensure She is immune. It is through Penance. The more Penances you make, the greater the Church responds to abuse (both Sacramental and Conjugal.)

True and real, and sincere Penance grants the Church many favors from Our Lord. These bring about the greatest works of Salvation. Even souls in Purgatory are given great means and modes of Justice to be purified, and finally be united fully to Christ in full perfection.

Penance is the greatest work in the Church. However, it is lacking.

 

[Saint_Prince_Caspian]

Saint Theresa of Avila wrote a book, I think the Interior Castle. And, Saint Therese Lisieux would describe the nagging and gnawing of Rosary beads against pews by Nuns.

I have similar faults. For one if I hear a baby cry. Suddenly I’m praying that the Lord would help the baby stop crying. It’s not because I’m concerned about the child. I’m wanting peace and quiet. Thus, it’s not charitable.

I therefore pray for the child. And not asking that the child is brought to being quieted. But that the Mom or Father may have the endurance, strength, fortitude, and stamina, and patience with their child. And whatever the child wants, the Lord may grant the parent the means to understand as best as they can. But I must offer the beauty and wonder of the child’s cries, tears, and even the laughter of some babies. And hearing children recite a prayer. Even the Nicene Creed!

Thus, I offer these in my prayer. There are always distractions. But these are little crosses we get to carry.

Today, I went to Receive Holy Communion, after Confession. I was at the Communion Rail. None of the priests brought walked over to me to give me Communion.

My heart was devastated. Heart broken. The pain stuck inside. But, as I was walking up to the rail, to receive Communion. I prayed the Our Father. The part: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

The feeling of indifference, and they ignored me. I have a photo in my wallet of a saint, who always looks at me with her smiling face. This beauty and marvel of a saint: Saint Josephine Bakhita.

Wow! This lady was a slave from Sudan! What a Holy and remarkable woman of God! Thus, when I’m feeling the pain of indifference, I have this woman not only smiling back at me. But the reality of what she had to endure. Nothing I suffer matches or succeeds! Which I am grateful for!

Thus, I prayed and thanked God for the Cross of being ignored. Overlooked. I did also for the grace of my Heart being Consecrated to Our Lady’s Immaculate Heart. This was one sign and great way for that to start. There are many Crosses. They are not to take anyone down to sin. But to give the person the beauty of Salvation. Crosses are great Stigmata’s to the Heart. These ones that are lesser crosses give the heart a great worthwhile act of purification. This then helps the soul fight sin and temptation off.

 

[MariaRita5]

I have another question that maybe you all can answer. If I have a thought in the midst of trying to pray that is blasphemous from memory is it a sin? If thoughts just pop up or just come to me while I’m trying to pray or think something good, are they sins or just temptations or just memories that my brain has stored? I have a hard time distinguishing if I’m willing the thoughts or if they’re just resurfacing. If I speak to the Lord or Our Lady in my mind, these thoughts come up, and I apologize and offer them up.

 

[CRV]

Thoughts that just appear in your mind or just pop up as you say are not sins. They only become sins when you consent to the thought. In other words, and as an example, if you were to look at a picture of Jesus to say “Thank you Jesus for everything” and at the moment you looked at the picture another thought popped up that was the name of a sexual organ - that is just a thought that either came from you - possibly a memory as you say - or is a temptation to actually deliberately think on it, consider it, extend the thought further, etc - and unless you do that, there is no sin.

But, if in the next instant you deliberately picture that thought more clearly or imagined some scene involving that , that is the point when you have consented to the thought and that is when it becomes a sin.

When these occur, ignore them, continue to mentally say to the Lord what you intended to say (in this example above), or if that’s not possible, mentally think "Reject, reject, reject, " (that thought), and deliberately and willfully think something else - I love you Lord as an example.

Understanding Scrupulosity - according to this website they explain these types of thoughts in this way:-
“A overly scrupulous person is often not committing sins but just worries through fear that every “bad” thought or feeling that comes into them is somehow a sin even though they didn’t want them, not realizing that thoughts and feelings that pop into our minds or hearts are not sins of themselves and therefore not good or bad in that way, but are often just reports from our subconscious trying to tell us something or possibly from just being human or from wounds or traumas in our past. Unless we choose to purposefully dwell on them or act on them with our will they are not sins.” Please note this last sentence as this is the important part!

Make an appointment with your priest and write down these questions to ask him at that appointment, and any other things that are bothering you as to whether they are sins or not. He is the best person to answer all these questions of yours and best ably to explain them/answer them for you.

Part of your parish priests job is to give guidance to souls in their care, ie spiritually direct them.

God bless you.

 

[Gab123]

I’ll do whatever it takes to repair this even if it takes me years.

The key is to crowd out your bad thoughts by filling your mind with healthy and constructive ones. Every night when you go to bed discipline yourself to listen to one of these short talks until you get through the whole list. Also keep holy water in your home to bless yourself with before going to bed and whenever you pray. Here is the link to the talks:
AUDIO LINK

 

[MariaRita5]

Thank you for this. It’s been a struggle for me to figure this out, as well as for thoughts that I try to reject or ignore but I’ll remember them or they’ll keep coming up in my mind. Just like today when I went to the daily Mass determined to receive Communion because I had just gone to confession this morning, we were singing a hymn to Mary and an evil thought popped up. I stopped singing to reject the thought but since I decided to pay attention to it even to reject it, it repeated in my mind. I tried to turn my thoughts to praising Mary but the thought kept coming back, along with other bad thoughts during the Our Father and a mean thought about the two little girls who were sitting in front of me. I didn’t receive the Eucharist because I felt I had failed in rejecting the bad thought of Mary and had other bad thoughts. I have such a hard time controlling my thoughts while I’m trying to sing or pray vocally or pay attention when anyone is talking. If I’m not explicitly concentrating on saying a prayer in my thoughts (and even then thoughts pop up) my mind goes to precisely the things that I don’t want it to: blasphemy, profanity, and thinking bad about other people. I’m going to keep trying, and I’m determined to keep going to daily Confession and Mass this week so I can receive Communion. It’s just really frustrating, and I’m kicking myself for having developed bad habits in the first place. While I was in the mental hospital I let bad thoughts just absolutely flood me, and they stuck. Now I need to uproot them and change my mental habits and tendencies. It’s going to be a long process, and it’s taken me this long to really be determined to change though I’ve been to confession countless times in the past few months. I really hope Jesus is still willing to give me the grace to overcome. I squandered a lot of grace being lazy and not trying hard enough to break out of some bad habits.

 

[MariaRita5]

I wanted to thank you all again for your suggestions. I’ve been getting up in time for confessions, though I have not yet been able to receive Communion. I’m gradually adding more things. I ask please that you pray for me because I keep falling. Prayers to be freed and prayers of reparation to the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Please.

 

[MariaRita5]

Seriously, everyone please pray for me. I can’t get through Mass or pray the Rosary without using GD in my thoughts and other profanity or through the Rosary without thinking wicked thoughts towards Mary and Jesus. Please, please pray for me.

 

[Socrates92]

I had a similar situation, and each time unwanted thoughts came into my mind (and yours sound very unwanted!),

I like to think that. But I try not to focus too much on whether my intentions are good or not, as that can be a trap leading to never-ending self-focussed obsession over determining the exact extent of my culpability. I have done definite, undeniable things to open doors to said evil in my past, so in that sense, they were at least indirectly “wanted”. My present attitude is that I simply can’t know my own culpability 100%, therefore God does not expect me to focus on it. The only thing I can do is to reject it in the present and leave the rest to God. In my personal case (and this may be a key distinction between my situation and someone elses), I’ve pretty much discerned that my predominant fault is pride, both moral and intellectual. It makes logical sense that my chronic uncertainty could be a cross sent to overcome that specific thing. I try to remind myself of that, and just have hope that God Providence’s has things under control.

Thanks for the reply and link. It sounds like you had a good approach to dealing with it.

 

[Annie]

I have done definite, undeniable things to open doors to said evil in my past, so in that sense, they were at least indirectly “wanted”.

Insofar as you are fighting against the thoughts and not accepting them, they are unwanted. You can see that in the past you fell into sin, and these are consequences of that, so you can use the trouble they cause you as a cross you carry in reparation for those sins.

 

[Annie]

There are some priests who have also studied psychology. I think it might help you if you seek out such a priest for help. He might be able to sort out what you need and help you to be able to receive the Eucharist.

Ask at your parish or the diocese if necessary.

 

[Socrates92]

True. Good points.

 

[rosejmj]

I’m sorry. Try not to dwell on them. Remember it is not sinful if they just enter your mind without your consent. Maybe try to counter the thought you have with good and loving thoughts towards God or if it is too hard just run into God’s arms every time you feel/think this way and just tell him you need him and you want to love and trust in him.

Praying for you…

 

[MariaRita5]

Ok, so now I’m terrified that I’ve been abusing confession and committing sacrilege because I keep falling to the same thoughts, and I’ve contracted this horrible habit of using GD and other profanity in my head. It even slips into my prayers, which is horrible. The last time I went to confession, I went to the Adoration chapel to pray my penance, and I just felt like I was not forgiven. When the priest spoke to me after I confessed my sins, he hesitated like he was unsure whether or not to give me absolution. As I was praying, I felt like I was offending Jesus just being in His Presence at Adoration. I could not shake this feeling that I wasn’t forgiven because I wasn’t repentant. I prayed my penance and fled with this horrible empty feeling inside. And stupidly, rather than being more determined to get up and try again, I admit to having looked into Buddhism and thought about leaving the Church for the selfish reason that I feel so incredibly cut off from my own religion. The temptation is that Buddhism has no concept of sin. There is no one being offended. Meditation is meant to get you to detach from your thoughts, which is appealing. On the other hand, I can’t shake my belief in God, Christ, Mary, heaven, and hell. But I also can’t shake the not-forgiven-because-not-truly-repentant feeling that I had in the Adoration Chapel, and I’m hesitant to go back to confession because I don’t want to abuse the sacrament. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m a hypocrite with no respect for God’s name because I’ve developed the awful habit of using GD in my thoughts (purely because I tried so hard to avoid it, started noticing where it could be used because I tried to avoid it, which subsequently meant that I would think it, if that makes sense). Even when I’ve tried meditating on Scripture, I’ll read in my head and profanity slips in there. I hate it. In conversations, I’ll say something, and the thing I just said will appear in my mind with profanity or GD in it. And I tell myself I have to stop, but I can’t. And every time I say I’m sorry, I just feel hypocritical and like I’m not truly forgiven because I keep committing the same sin over and over. The blasphemous thoughts are one thing, but using GD over and over in my thoughts is another, and I’m just tired, so tired of this. The very Person who can help me and who I know loves me more than I can comprehend, I keep offending and pushing away and abusing His name in my mind. Thank God that I have a new job so I can get out of my head somewhat and have some more structure in my day (I’ve been unemployed for a few months). Please keep me in your prayers. I need to make up my mind to keep fighting and quit being so self-centered.

 

[CRV]

I’m terrified that I’ve been abusing confession and committing sacrilege because I keep falling to the same thoughts,

Sinful habits can be hard to overcome. As long as you have imperfect contrition (ie the fear of going to hell), that is sufficient for the sacrament of Confession + the firm resolve not to commit that sin again. At the time of confession/act of contrition. The fact that we know due to concupiscence/habits/weakness we may just commit the same sins again, does not make the confession invalid/sacrilegious.

Unintentional blasphemous thoughts are not sins. Intentional/deliberate/willfull blasphemous thoughts are sins.

When the priest spoke to me after I confessed my sins, he hesitated like he was unsure whether or not to give me absolution.

That is your assumption. He may have been thinking of what further counsel should he give you or perhaps thought of changing the assigned penance.

I felt like I was offending

Feelings are not sins. Use your ability to reason to know whether you’ve sinned/consented to these thoughts or not.

I could not shake this feeling that I wasn’t forgiven because I wasn’t repentant.

Now THAT is totally different. If that is true, and you were not repentant at the time of confession - then that confession was invalid. Think long and hard about all Jesus’s sufferings that He underwent so that your sins may be forgiven. THEN go to confession and confess to not being truly repentant at your last confession.
REPENTANCE is being truly sorry for having sinned/offended God with the firm/definite decision to change your behaviour.

Remorse and Repentance- you really should read this and make sure you understand what it is.

(continued below)

 

[CRV]

(continued)

I admit to having looked into Buddhism and thought about leaving the Church for the selfish reason

That too needs to be taken to confession because you were seriously considering leaving the Church to join another. You were not looking into it to see what Buddists believe, but to see if that belief system suited you better.

The temptation is that Buddhism has no concept of sin.

Congratulations you’ve identified it was a temptation when the thought occurred to you to look into it. It changed from a temptation when you made the decision to actually look into buddhism.

Buddhism has no concept of sin. There is no one being offended.

Because the focus is on self!

Meditation is meant to get you to detach from your thoughts, which is appealing.

Of course it is, because you just want relief from these constant thoughts. You’re looking for some way to turn off your mind. You’re looking for peace. But it is not the way to true peace. Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. " aka Confession.

You keep going on about feelings. Pardon and Peace: Fuddle and Fif despite the title you would benefit from reading this whole article, but concerning feelings start reading at " We must beware of muddling conscience with feeling and fif".

profanity slips in

Not deliberate - no sin.

feel hypocritical … like I’m not truly forgiven because I keep committing the same sin over and over.

Temptation of Satans to doubt God’s mercy. Please read Bogeys, and scroll down to “The Question of Consent” - whilst this deals with impure thoughts, substitute that with blasphemous ones. And it also deals with the problem of committing the same sins again and again further down the page under "The Old, Old Story.

Pardon and Peace by Fr Alfred Wilson on Amazon
Pardon & Peace by Fr Alfred Wilson from AbeBooks.com

 

[MariaRita5]

Based on the Remorse and Repentance article, I’ve made a lot of bad confessions since becoming a Catholic a year ago. And maybe that is why I’m in my current situation. And I’ve been down some really bad roads in my head since my last confession. How should I proceed?

 

[CRV]

Make an appointment with your priest. Tell him that you now realize that you made possibly bad confessions over the last year.

Don’t forget that if you confessed things as you honestly believed was the right way to do it in all sincerity, then I tell him that also.

There is also the aspect of intention. Did you intend to confess your sins as you honestly believed they are meant to be confessed, were sorry for what you’d done, intended to not do the same thing again but to start afresh and do all that you possibly can to not do those sins anymore, accepted the forgiveness God was offering you, accepted your penance and did your penance? Tell him all this also.

And be guided by him.

Being such a new Catholic is it possible you really didn’t understand how the Sacrament “worked” apart from a basic understanding of the steps involved, when you entered the Church? And this is the understanding you’ve been going on all this time?

I’ll offer my chaplet of Divine Mercy today for you.