What can I do?

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I just started seeing this girl, and things seem to be going well. But the thing is that I might be moving away for school 9 or 10 months from now. She’s known this from the get-go, so I hope it’s safe to assume that she must be really interested, because most women wouldn’t give a guy the chance that she’s given me in this kind of situation. I really appreciate this, and I really like her, but this topic has come up every time I’ve seen her so far. Every time she would ask, “Is it September next year?” And I would say yes. Then we’d both be dancing around that topic. She might also be moving away for school next December, one semester after when I might be moving. My guess is that she’s letting this go at the moment, but I’m sure it will come up again for real at some moment, then she and I would probably have a serious discussion about it, if it comes to that. I can certainly understand why she would have reservations about this, and I’m sure it’s always been in the back of her mind. I just wanted to know if there’s anything I can do to make it easier for her and assuage her concerns. I do want to try to make it work, because she’s a really awesome girl, and we seem to really click. Is there anything I can do, aside from showing her that I am indeed serious about this, and that I’m willing to put in the effort to make things work?

Thank you in advance!

 

[BamaRider]

Probably not, because its like ignoring the elephant in the room. Nobody tawks about it, but everyone knows he’s there.

It is has been my personal experience, and those of observation, relationships such as y’alls, when the couple starts our together in the same locale, but then later there is seperation, ususally don’t work out in the long run. Especially when that seperation is because of college.

Away at school a new circle of friends of develops, and more often then not, one causually meets another more accesssible individual, and though not intended in the beginning, a relationship develops.

Nothing breaks up a young relationship quicker then distance. Now I’m sure you’re gonna get many stories on here where that didn’t happen, not gonna argue it ain’t possible, but the decked is stacked.

I’m not saying not to go for it, just understand what you’re getting into. Y’all could be one of the couples that endure a prolonged multi year seperation, just seeing each other on holidays and occassional weekend.

I’m just saying when I was in school, I saw this many times, and I can’t recall a sinlge one making it. Heck, I recall young firefighters, away at the state fire college, not make it the 6 weeks it took to graduate LOL.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Thank you, BamaRider. I just wanted to give a bit more background info. She and I have already graduated from college and are working professionals. We would be going to grad school, well, business school for me, but same difference. I already went to grad school, so this would be my second one. I know exactly what you’re saying, because long-distance relationships are very hard and take a lot of work. I hope the fact and she and I are a bit older (I’m 28 and she’s 24), we would be able to approach it more maturely. I’ve already made the decision to pursue this, and I just wanted to make sure that she’s on the same page. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for her? Perhaps it’s a little too early to worry about it, since it’s still early and there’re so many other factors that could make this irrelevant? I should probably refrain from bringing up this topic for the time being, right?

 

[basilisk]

Nothing breaks up a young relationship quicker then distance. Now I’m sure you’re gonna get many stories on here where that didn’t happen, not gonna argue it ain’t possible, but the decked is stacked.

Well, Bama, mine did make it, but I agree with you on this. The reason we made it is because we could feel the distance killing our relationship and introducing trust issues where there were none before. Since we knew we wanted to get married, we got proactive about making the distance go away. I transferred from my university in CA to his in Chicago. Three years later, we got married, and now, 11 1/2 years and 5 kids into it, we are still happy and in love. He was walking around in his jeans and chaps this morning (he rides a motorcycle), shirtless just to turn me on. And it WORKED! Can’t wait for him to get home tonight.

So, SomeCatholicGuy, I think your best strategy would be to continue dating and see how serious you are about her when the time comes to leave. Whether you want to marry her, or just want to keep dating her, will determine your next steps. Because after over a year, you should be able to be sure if you want to marry her even if it doesn’t happen right away. We knew we wanted to marry, but waited four years through college, so we could finish our degrees and he could earn his ROTC commission in the Air Force.

Maybe to make it easier on her, tell her, “I want to keep dating and see where this goes. Because, honey, if it turns out you’re the woman I want to be my wife, school will not make me forget that. And if we get to the place where we know that’s what we want, then we will work together on making sure it happens.”

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

So, SomeCatholicGuy, I think your best strategy would be to continue dating and see how serious you are about her when the time comes to leave. Whether you want to marry her, or just want to keep dating her, will determine your next steps. Because after over a year, you should be able to be sure if you want to marry her even if it doesn’t happen right away. We knew we wanted to marry, but waited four years through college, so we could finish our degrees and he could earn his ROTC commission in the Air Force.

I think you’re right, basilisk. Certainly it’s far too early for me to decide whether I want to marry this woman, but I’m also certainly not excluding that as a possibility. I do think that - if things go well - by the time for the possible physical separation, I will know how I feel about her, as far as future plans go. I’ve heard somewhere that it takes about 6 months for a man to know whether he wants to marry someone. I’ve known this girl since June and have kept in touch, even though we haven’t hung out that many times yet.

Maybe to make it easier on her, tell her, “I want to keep dating and see where this goes. Because, honey, if it turns out you’re the woman I want to be my wife, school will not make me forget that. And if we get to the place where we know that’s what we want, then we will work together on making sure it happens.”

Heh, this will have to come a bit later! I guess for now, since it’s still early, how do I lessen any concerns that she might have regarding this?

 

[basilisk]

Well, that’s why I think you shoud make sure to us the word “if” prominently.

 

[chevalier]

If I were you, I would probably give it a chance. I’ve been hurt many times, including relationships that didn’t survive because of distance, and I still wouldn’t give up on a girl I cared for.

Whatever you decide, you need to be extra gentle with her. If you’re decided, follow with a display of affection… flowers or something, but leave the decision up to her. She needs to be decided or it won’t work. But you need to offer her all reassurance if she decides she wants to be with you.

 

[vluvski]

The phrases, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves” and “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” come to mind. The conversation, if had now, is going to be inherently awkward because the premise is rather presumptuous.

If you believe you must confront the issue head on (and if she wanted to ‘go there’ she could continue the conversation she started. I really think she’s just dropping hints that she thinks it’s a possibility, and like you, thinks it is a little early to actually discuss it.) I think something to the effect of, “I really enjoy the relationship we have right now, and I’m excited about getting to know you more. I really appreciate that you’re giving me this privilege even though we both realize things could get complicated if our relationship is still growing this fall.”

 

[BamaRider]

The fact y’all are a little older then traditional college age will help. You have a little more maturity.

Also when I was in school no such things as email, text, free long distance, cell phones or web cams. Much easier to communicate nowdays. But it will still be difficult.