What can I expect?

[RachelKH]

Almost a year ago I found out, much to my shock and dismay and suicidal depression, how much my husband lusted after other women, any woman that was at all attractive to him became a fantasy lust object, leaving me heartbroken and feeling like not only the rug but my whole world was pulled out from under me. The more we talked and discussed it and the more he explained and admitted, the worse it all appeared. Anyhow, now he finally gets it that it is not good, is hurtful and just plain wrong and bad for us and others and he is working on it. We have been married 23 years. We are both 45. He says he has now only to fight his urges to look at and lust over women about 20% of the time. I have never looked at any other man since we began dating exclusively 25 years ago. I am a very sexual, passionate, healthy, attractive enough person who has never lusted at another and can’t really understand his cheating on me this way. Yes, I call it cheating and he understand that and is willing to admit that it kind of is. Anyhow. What I need to know is – is this as good as it gets? Is he always going to have to fight his urges to look at other women and lust over them? He seems to enjoy it more than actual sex because with 2 people interacting he has the messiness, the bother of another’s pleasure to worry about, the realness of it all. I am still totally rocked and find it hard to deal with the needs of our 6 children in my sadness. Thank you.

 

[gardenswithkids]

He says he has now only to fight his urges to look at and lust over women about 20% of the time. …What I need to know is – is this as good as it gets? Is he always going to have to fight his urges to look at other women and lust over them? …

I’m not a man so I can’t answer for men, but I would like to recommend a book about men called “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. She wrote the book based on survey’s of heterosexual Christian men, and it’s certainly common for happily married men to struggle with lust. While there are things wives can do to make their lust problem easier or harder to deal with, it’s not because of you.

My own personal opinion is I think that men can do better than 20%–but that is an 80% success rate. If he keeps struggling against sin to keep guard of his eyes and his thoughts, I would suspect it gets easier as he forms new habits. But I can’t really speak for men because I’m a woman.

 

[dulcissima]

My guess would be that you should not have had such a detailed conversation with your husband. This is really a matter for him and his confessor and possibly a therapist. If you are having such a problem with depression over this that you are having difficulty caring for your children, then you really do need to seek some professional help.

To compare your husband’s thoughts when he sees an attractive woman to your thoughts is really an unfair comparison. Men are much more visually stimulated than are women. I have discussed this very briefly with my boyfriend. He said that a priest told him that you are not responsible if a bird comes and lands on your head, but you have a responsibility not to let it make a nest there.

Your husband needs to learn how not to let such visual stimulation take over for him. Likewise, you need to not let this issue grow and grow in your mind and create a bigger problem than is necessary.

 

[RachelKH]

There is much more wrong than just his lusting – the lust has made him view women in a very distorted way – not good for a man w/ a wife and 4 beautiful daughters. He treats us all so casually if if we are not real or worth his time unless it is for his pleasure, which his actions and talking has made very clear. His sons are more real to him, but no one is really worth his time if effort is involved. It is a hard thing to live with. He is also passive-aggressive. There is much to be depressed about, but I am getting help. I just need to know how much I can hope for.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry, Rach…is he viewing porn, or are these lustful thoughts from women passerbys during his day?

 

[RachelKH]

He says it’s no longer porn and hasn’t been for years. It is every woman he happens to see in real life, on screen, in print, whatever, that he feels is attractive at all. He says he only didn’t/doesn’t lust after those he finds unpretty or too unrevealingly dressed. All others were there for his pleasure he felt.

 

[RachelKH]

We had to talk about it for me to understand why he believed it to be okay, for him to see why it upset me, for us to reach an agreement that it was/is disordered and to decide what to do about it (I can’t agree to him continuing, he couldn’t see why he should stop or that it should be any concern to me, especially in regards to our daughters and their friends etc) and where to seek help. which he still refuses to try, other than reading at my insistance Theology of the Body for Beginners.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I see, Rach. When you ask ‘what can I expect?’ I think it’s safe to say, that it will require a lot of support and patience from you, to see your husband through this. I think you can expect him to take two steps forward, and progress to be made, and then out of nowehere, a backslide. These things take steady time…slow and steady wins the race, as they say.

I haven’t personally dealt with this situation in my marriage, but I have read enough on here, and have friends who have husbands who were addicted to porn at one point in their lives. It takes time for men (and women) to rid themselves of lustful thoughts, if this is in fact, a problem for them. Please know, it’s not personal to you. I think that he just has lost his sense for how to view women, in a healthy way. I think without counseling, confession when he stumbles, and fervent prayer, (and patience on your part) it will be very hard to conquer this. I am not sure I’d want to know every time my husband stumbled in this regard… I think that might only cause you more pain. If you trust that he is going to work on this, then try to find a way to let this go.

I will keep you and him in my prayers, as well as the rest of your family. I pray your marriage gets better, so sorry you’re hurting. *

 

[dulcissima]

Rachel, it sounds like you have a very large problem, one that goes back a long ways. I do have some experience here in my former marriage because that was the way that my ex viewed women. I remember discovering his pornography habit which had been hidden for years and just felt like throwing up. It did explain so much about the way that he treated me. I understand how you are feeling.

What I really recommend for you more than anything else is counseling for you. It is really important that you not accept the disrespect. When you say “*He treats us all so casually if if we are not real or worth his time unless it is for his pleasure, which his actions and talking has made very clear. His sons are more real to him, but no one is really worth his time if effort is involved. It is a hard thing to live with. He is also passive-aggressive. *” t makes me wonder if you are dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits. It would be so helpful for you to get some counseling to get a better sense of perspective on your relationship.

 

[jwashu]

Almost a year ago I found out, much to my shock and dismay and suicidal depression, how much my husband lusted after other women, any woman that was at all attractive to him became a fantasy lust object, leaving me heartbroken and feeling like not only the rug but my whole world was pulled out from under me. The more we talked and discussed it and the more he explained and admitted, the worse it all appeared. Anyhow, now he finally gets it that it is not good, is hurtful and just plain wrong and bad for us and others and he is working on it. We have been married 23 years. We are both 45. He says he has now only to fight his urges to look at and lust over women about 20% of the time. I have never looked at any other man since we began dating exclusively 25 years ago. I am a very sexual, passionate, healthy, attractive enough person who has never lusted at another and can’t really understand his cheating on me this way. Yes, I call it cheating and he understand that and is willing to admit that it kind of is. Anyhow. What I need to know is – is this as good as it gets? Is he always going to have to fight his urges to look at other women and lust over them? He seems to enjoy it more than actual sex because with 2 people interacting he has the messiness, the bother of another’s pleasure to worry about, the realness of it all. I am still totally rocked and find it hard to deal with the needs of our 6 children in my sadness. Thank you.

I wouldn’t call it cheating necessarily… Men are very visual and often notice other women and may even have a moment of lust. Personally I consider that normal, and so would the Priests I have spoken with. However it’s what we DO with that thought that becomes a problem. A notice of another women, even if it’s a split second of “lust” (I wouldn’t call it that because lust implies choice IMHO) if a man turns from that, no problem. If we choose to focus on it though then it can become a sin… possibly even lead to a mortal sin. The glances though do NOT MEAN, and all women need to understand this, that a man loves his wife or even lusts for his wife any less. It’s just an impulse.

Can men train themselves not to even have these flashes of evolutionary urges? Sure, while I have to admit sometimes it seems worse than others, I have found that the better my daily prayer life is the less these moments happen

So I would suggest you for you to encourage your husband to work on his prayer life. It works for me.

Joe

 

[whatevergirl]

I wouldn’t call it cheating necessarily… Men are very visual and often notice other women and may even have a moment of lust. Personally I consider that normal, and so would the Priests I have spoken with. However it’s what we DO with that thought that becomes a problem. A notice of another women, even if it’s a split second of “lust” (I wouldn’t call it that because lust implies choice IMHO) if a man turns from that, no problem. If we choose to focus on it though then it can become a sin… possibly even lead to a mortal sin. The glances though do NOT MEAN, and all women need to understand this, that a man loves his wife or even lusts for his wife any less. It’s just an impulse.

Can men train themselves not to even have these flashes of evolutionary urges? Sure, while I have to admit sometimes it seems worse than others, I have found that the better my daily prayer life is the less these moments happen

So I would suggest you for you to encourage your husband to work on his prayer life. It works for me.

Joe

I agree, however, I think that this is more than the occasional glance, and ‘oh she is pretty,’ kind of thought that pops into a person’s head. Women glance, too. But, it’s what we do with the images, and how we interact with our families, also that can cause the problems, which according to Rach, it seems like his interactions with her and the kids, have been distorted for a while. It’s hard to say if the way he views women has caused the behavior towards her and the family, or if something else is triggering that. I don’t think this is just a man looking at a pretty woman, and a wife not understanding that. Just saying.

 

[TLM08]

Almost a year ago I found out, much to my shock and dismay and suicidal depression, how much my husband lusted after other women, any woman that was at all attractive to him became a fantasy lust object, leaving me heartbroken and feeling like not only the rug but my whole world was pulled out from under me. The more we talked and discussed it and the more he explained and admitted, the worse it all appeared. Anyhow, now he finally gets it that it is not good, is hurtful and just plain wrong and bad for us and others and he is working on it. We have been married 23 years. We are both 45. He says he has now only to fight his urges to look at and lust over women about 20% of the time. I have never looked at any other man since we began dating exclusively 25 years ago. I am a very sexual, passionate, healthy, attractive enough person who has never lusted at another and can’t really understand his cheating on me this way. Yes, I call it cheating and he understand that and is willing to admit that it kind of is. Anyhow. What I need to know is – is this as good as it gets? Is he always going to have to fight his urges to look at other women and lust over them? He seems to enjoy it more than actual sex because with 2 people interacting he has the messiness, the bother of another’s pleasure to worry about, the realness of it all. I am still totally rocked and find it hard to deal with the needs of our 6 children in my sadness. Thank you.

This is normal male sexual behavior. Men are sexually wired to be promiscuous and seek variety. This is why the pornography industry is one of the most lucrative ventures in the history of man. This is also part of our sinful nature. It’s a terribly tough subject. This is not about any inadequecies you may think you have. To struggle with this is to be a man. For most of us guys (even those who are married to stunningly beautiful women), it remains our biggest struggle. Do NOT blame yourself. This struggle is not about you. Women generally have temptations of their own of a different nature.

However; your husband has chosen to love you and be with you for the rest of his life in spite of all of the sexual opportunity in this sinful world in which we live. He doesn’t want to be with anybody else.

Speak with him about this without condemnation or anger otherwise you’ll drive his fears and weakness underground where it will grow even stronger. Honesty is the best way to lift your cloud of sadness and make him so ever grateful for his decision to be married to you.

I’ve been married close to 30 years myself. Thank God she has forgiven me for being so imperfectly human. For that matter, we all are in need of forgiveness!
God Bless you.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I don’t think God ‘wired men’ to be sexually promiscuous, but like you said, it’s more from the fall of mankind, that the wiring went awry. I tend to agree with the rest of what you say, except that her husband is treating her and the family as though if they don’t ‘bring him pleasure’ he isn’t all that interested in dialoguing with them. That is more of the issue, than mere glances at pretty women, and having an occasional lustful thought. That might be ‘normal’ on average for many men, but it’s more than that, that the OP seems to be asking about. *

 

[TLM08]

*I don’t think God ‘wired men’ to be sexually promiscuous, but like you said, it’s more from the fall of mankind, that the wiring went awry. I tend to agree with the rest of what you say, except that her husband is treating her and the family as though if they don’t ‘bring him pleasure’ he isn’t all that interested in dialoguing with them. That is more of the issue, than mere glances at pretty women, and having an occasional lustful thought. That might be ‘normal’ on average for many men, but it’s more than that, that the OP seems to be asking about. *

You’re right… God didn’t wire us this way. Male sexual nature is this way because of the fall of mankind. Human beings are pleasure seeking by nature… our fallen state sometimes gets the better of us. This is a very sexual culture we live in too… and that certainly doesn’t help!

Part of being a real man however is recognizing the need to channel our sexuality into our marriages and away from the temptations of this world, whether it’s the computer screen, bad women or the massage parlor.

It’s so important for the OP to understand that her husband isn’t necessarily a creep because of this. This is something that is part of his nature. I guarantee you that 90%of the men on these forums are fighting the exact same battle… All with varying degrees of success!

 

[MercyMia]

RachelKH - I am so sorry that you are enduring this. To me, it sounds like your husband has a compulsion. I do not think this makes him a bad person, but for the time being it makes him a weak person. He must fortify himself in Christ to get over this. I suggest intense counseling for him. He probably has a lot of internal demons to slay. He may also have a deep insecurity within himself and an inability for true intamacy with people - this is why he turns to fantasies with other women that he can control.

BTW his compulsion is not about you being inferior to other women in any way, not being pretty enough or young enough. Even in the tabloids I have read about supermodels having their husband’s cheat on them. IF it was really all about looks…how could that happen? The truth is, it is about something missing inside these men.

 

[whatevergirl]

You’re right… God didn’t wire us this way. Male sexual nature is this way because of the fall of mankind. Human beings are pleasure seeking by nature… our fallen state sometimes gets the better of us. This is a very sexual culture we live in too… and that certainly doesn’t help!

Part of being a real man however is recognizing the need to channel our sexuality into our marriages and away from the temptations of this world, whether it’s the computer screen, bad women or the massage parlor.

It’s so important for the OP to understand that her husband isn’t necessarily a creep because of this. This is something that is part of his nature. I guarantee you that 90%of the men on these forums are fighting the exact same battle… All with varying degrees of success!

*I agree with you, TLM. Nicely said. *

 

[TLM08]

RachelKH - To me, it sounds like your husband has a compulsion…

I suggest intense counseling for him. He probably has a lot of internal demons to slay. He may also have a deep insecurity within himself and an inability for true intamacy with people - this is why he turns to fantasies with other women that he can control. …

The truth is, it is about something missing inside these men.

Women who discover that their husband struggles with this lust/purity issues should be careful not to read too much into it. This is a universal struggle for men. There is a big difference between a man who visits an inappropriate website once in a blue moon …and the man who spends thousands of dollars visiting strip clubs and hiring prostitutes! Some men are addicted to and engaged in high risk behavior.

This is where it is critical for the wife to keep the communication open where the husband feels confident that he can share his struggle with her without condemnation. It’s very important to know how he is doing with the fight. There is a good probability that the OP’s husband is NOT engaged in any high risk behavior or marital infielity and just feeling lonely and or stressed. He’ll do better with his wife’s support, understanding and love. His end of the bargain is to do all he can to channel his “energy” into the marriage and away from the computer screen… or whatever else is causing him to stumble.

 

[rayne89]

(I can’t agree to him continuing, he couldn’t see why he should stop or that it should be any concern to me, especially in regards to our daughters and their friends etc)

Are you saying your husband has a sexual attraction to your daughters?

 

[TLM08]

We had to talk about it for me to understand why he believed it to be okay, for him to see why it upset me, for us to reach an agreement that it was/is disordered and to decide what to do about it (I can’t agree to him continuing, he couldn’t see why he should stop or that it should be any concern to me, especially in regards to our daughters and their friends etc) and where to seek help. which he still refuses to try, other than reading at my insistance Theology of the Body for Beginners.

I didn’t see the above post before… Does he still think this is okay? If he does, then there is a real problem. To my way of thinking, attitude is everything. I stick by my statement that nearly all men struggle to one degree or another, decent men KNOW this is wrong… and they fight it.

It’s one thing (and still wrong) for an 18 year old boy to think this is okay… but at 45, it’s time to grow up.

 

[RachelKH]

He says he can’t help looking at our teen daughters but does not indulge in lusting for them. He now sees it as wrong to lust after every attractive woman who happens near, but still doesn’t fully want to stop, just wishes I hadn’t found out in the beginning because he really likes to indulge and thinks all would be fine if no one knew. He is working on this he says and I just needed to know how much I could hope for as he feels he is the only man ‘not allowed’ to get his sexual gratification this way. There is much more going on, but this is the proverbial straw.