What can I expect?

[whatevergirl]

He says he can’t help looking at our teen daughters but does not indulge in lusting for them. He now sees it as wrong to lust after every attractive woman who happens near, but still doesn’t fully want to stop, just wishes I hadn’t found out in the beginning because he really likes to indulge and thinks all would be fine if no one knew. He is working on this he says and I just needed to know how much I could hope for as he feels he is the only man ‘not allowed’ to get his sexual gratification this way. There is much more going on, but this is the proverbial straw.

*First, I’m sorry I called you Rach. I confused you with another poster!

Second…I’m so sorry to hear this. He really needs counseling, I believe, if it is getting that far in his thinking. I will pray for you both to have strength and courage to get through this…((hugs))*

 

[flyingfish]

You know, many of us, men and women both struggle with these issues. It’s in our nature, people with healthy sex drives can’t help but notice sexually attractive human beings.

BUT WHAT ON EARTH IS HE DOING TELLING YOU THE DETAILS OF HIS LUSTS? He told you he looks at your daughters…

I’m just in shock.

He should not be telling you these things. He should be privately struggling with them like normal people.

 

[whatevergirl]

In a way, though…could this be a cry for help, Rachel? I mean, he could have hid these things from you…the fact that he is telling you…maybe he wants help, and just doesn’t know what to do. I am guessing!

 

[RachelKH]

He doesn’t want help and refuses it in all forms. He didn’t exactly volunteer these things. He never talks to faces, just chests, follows bottoms of those in front, looks even his daughters up and down and up again, just really gets off on bodies and the fantasies, etc and I finally opened my eyes and asked him about it. He has repeatedly totally tuned all else out, in even hospital room, dinner table and family outing situations, as he goes off on his little mental adventures. That is when I ask him what he is doing and he reluctantly tells me. We are less real to him than his fun. He told me at first because he thought this is what all people do, not just him or even just all men. It is worst to me as I made a conscious decision to be true to him early in our exclusive dating relationship, after being a normal looking-for-the-right-one-while-out-kissing -frogs kind of gal, and I mistakenly assumed that he would try to true to me too and see sexual gratification as something to be sought only w/in the married couple.

 

[TLM08]

He doesn’t want help and refuses it in all forms. He didn’t exactly volunteer these things. He never talks to faces, just chests, follows bottoms of those in front, looks even his daughters up and down and up again, just really gets off on bodies and the fantasies, etc and I finally opened my eyes and asked him about it. He has repeatedly totally tuned all else out, in even hospital room, dinner table and family outing situations, as he goes off on his little mental adventures. That is when I ask him what he is doing and he reluctantly tells me. We are less real to him than his fun. He told me at first because he thought this is what all people do, not just him or even just all men. It is worst to me as I made a conscious decision to be true to him early in our exclusive dating relationship, after being a normal looking-for-the-right-one-while-out-kissing -frogs kind of gal, and I mistakenly assumed that he would try to true to me too and see sexual gratification as something to be sought only w/in the married couple.

Either this guy has a real hard time expressing his true feelings regarding his sexuality or you may have a real sicko on your hands. You need to get to the bottom of this. I raised daughters and step daughters… Even though I was never tempted in the least this way, There were boundaries that I knew should never be crossed… Such as… I always insisted that they be modest in the home… especially regarding showers… dressing… etc… you get the picture. You need to make sure that he has solid boundaries with respect to the girls in that household. Lady, you need to keep a sharp eye on the situation. It might be time for your “inner pit bull” to come out a bit.

He still deserves the benefit of the doubt, but this certainly warrants a watchful eye.

 

[RachelKH]

The pitbull is out. I insist on modesty at all times from even our 4yoDD. I am trying to understand, help, move on to a better relationship for us all in this family, but setting boundaries and trying to help him understand how this can’t go on if we all are to stay together.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… He didn’t exactly volunteer these things. He never talks to faces, just chests, follows bottoms of those in front, looks even his daughters up and down and up again, just really gets off on bodies and the fantasies, etc and I finally opened my eyes and asked him about it. …

You asked in your original post “is this as good as it gets.” I can’t say what goes on men’s heads, but I can tell you what I have observed. Most men I know talk to women’s faces, not their chests. The men I know may indulge in a quick once over, but not repeatedly. You say you finally opened your eyes and asked him about it–when did you first notice this behavior? Did he do any of these things earlier in your dating and married life, or has it grown worse over time? Do you normally experience such things from *other *men in your life since you didn’t questioned his behavior until recently? While men may struggle with lust and sexual temptation, what you describe is certainly NOT as good as it gets.

In your last post you mentioned modesty. Dressing modestly is something that women can do to help men control their lust. *If *you think this behavior (not thoughts but behaviior) is normal from men in general, you may want to look at the clothes in your closet and your daughters’ closet and take an assessment of how they fit. I am NOT implying that his behavior is your fault, but I just can’t imagine even dating a man who behaves like this in front of me, whatless marrying him. From what you describe, this behavior crosses a line that most decent men don’t routinely cross.

As you want a better relationship in your family, I would encourage you to start taking your family to Confession on a very regular basis, (about once a month, if you’re not already doing that.) The grace from this Sacrament can benefit all of you–your husband, your daughters and sons, and you. Again, I’m not saying his behavior and lust problem is your fault, but I would encourage you to take an honest self-assessment of why you put up with being treated as a sexual object without question for so long. God doesn’t see woman that way. Your husband shouldn’t either.

 

[whatevergirl]

*As this thread goes on, more comes out. Rachel, this sounds like way more than a man who has occasional lustful thoughts, and you are angry/upset over it. Way more. If you are remotely concerned about him looking at his own daughters and their friends in this way, it’s time for serious therapy. You can’t step around this, this needs more than mere heart to hearts, at this point. Just suppose, your daughter has a friend over, for a slumber party, she wakes in the night to use the restroom, and your husband does something inapprioriate…you will not be able to live with yourself for not having him sought serious counseling. This is not something ALL men do…no way. This calls for greater action, in my eyes, at this point.

I would not tread lightly…he needs to get into counseling, whether he wants to or not. It’s not only about him at this point. It’s about your family and others. Good luck with this, and I’ll be praying.*