What constitutes dating?

[bugiwan]

My wife left almost two years ago to be with another man. She was unfaithful with a different man one year before she left me for the man she is with today. We were civilly divorced about 18 months ago. I have spent most of my time alone reading and focusing on healing the parts of my life where I failed my wife. I have become very active in the church. I attended an Evangelization retreat last fall (What a blessing). I also am involved in a group with 20 to 40 year olds where we get together and have some sort of theological lesson every so often. I have made a new (girl) friend, and we really enjoy spending time together. I know that I am still married to my wife, but what kind of interaction can I have with my new friend? We have done things just the two of us with out the group (go to lunch, or walk the dogs at the park). These are things I would have done with other friends, including girls, when I was still married. When I did these things with my friends when I was married I would have talked to my wife about it, but I am unable to do that now, and even if I did, she would not care to hear it.

Mathew 5:32 …but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

First of all, what does the scripture mean when it says we are allowed to divorce for reasons of unchastity? Does that release the other party from the marriage bonds? From my study, I believe that this is just a separation.

Second, I know that if I date someone, that opens the doors to marriage. If I do marry again without an annulment every time I consummate that marriage I am, and my wife is committing adultery. The last thing I want to do is help my friend stumble, but at the same time we pray for one another, lift each other up, and share how God is working in our lives. I feel that this is a healthy relationship, but I do not want to be deceived. Please help me discern what I am called to do in this situation.

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

Dear B,

Dating is more than just a matter of a man and a woman going out together. Husbands and wives don’t date when they go out together. Only men and women who are “available” date.

You are not available since you are still validly married. Should you obtain an annulment, then you could date. What you are doing now sounds fine: having the kinds of relationships with women that are appropriate for a married man. As time passes, you will be tempted to date. To do so would be a sin against your marriage.

As for your question regarding Mt. 5:32 (and also Mt. 191-12) Jesus is NOT allowing divorce in the case of adultery or unchastity.

See: catholic.com/thisrock/2000/0007bt.asp

If you attempt marriage outside of the Church, you may not receive Holy Communion. Such an attempt is a serious sin in itself.

An occasional walk is acceptable, but occasional—not frequent. It sounds like you may already be thinking of this relationship in a rather exclusive way. Be on your guard.

You are certainly doing the right things in getting involved with religious activities. Spend regular time before the tabernacle. Submit every part of your being to Him and He will take care of you. Write again if you need to. You are in my prayers.

Merry Christmas!

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.