What could the matter be?

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Graceejou

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I’m a new convert (not yet confirmed) and am having an awkward situation with my priest that doesn’t seem to get any better, no matter what 🤷

He’s a younger priest but he lived out “in the world” for several years and held a different job before answering the call to priesthood. He’s very cheerful and happy, not shy and seems to be comfortable in his position. But whenever he’s around me (twice a week) he gets very serious, shy, nervous and awkward. Which makes me feel that way too, it’s a perpetual circle of awkwardness.

I don’t understand it at all. I’m married with kids, not flirty or inappropriate in any way and without sounding prideful, people always like me. I’ve never been around someone who continued to act so nervous around me. I don’t have a strong personality, I am not the groupie type, I literally can talk to anyone. I am more of an introvert but that’s never been an issue before with anyone.

The other priest, who is a little older, seems to like me very much and seeks me out to talk. Younger priest is very jovial and jokey with my husband and with others, both male and female. But if I try to talk to him, even in a group, he gets suddenly very serious like he’s afraid of offending me or saying something wrong. It’s becoming an issue because I have to do all of my communication with him through my husband so it’s not all weird. With others, he knows personal (friendly) things about them, comments on their jobs or something in their lives but he knows nothing about me and hasn’t ever asked. I asked my husband if it seemed like Father A didn’t liked me or that I annoyed him in some way, but he (my husband) just said “he just gets really nervous around you and I have no idea why, you’re not being weird or anything but it’s noticeable”

I have to meet with him privately soon and I can just imagine how awkward it’s going to be. Any thoughts or suggestions? It’s distressing me very much and I want to fix whatever is wrong if I can. :confused:
 
It sounds like it is his problem, clearly not due to your behaviors or personality. Just be polite, respectful and compassionate and don’t try to fix the situation, because it’s not about you. If he’s got a difficulty he needs to bring it up with the senior priest. If it is too hard for you then meet with the senior priest instead and tell him why.
 
I agree partially with FrStevenJones

He said** : “It sounds like it is his problem, clearly not due to your behaviors or personality. Just be polite, respectful and compassionate and don’t try to fix the situation, because it’s not about you.”**

Everyone has certain people who they don’t feel comfortable with (talking to, or relating to).
And, by the luck of the draw, you are one of those people to him.

But, he also said : "If he’s got a difficulty he needs to bring it up with the senior priest. If it is too hard for you then meet with the senior priest instead and tell him why."

This advice, I strongly disagree with.
I have done this (one time) in the Past.
The Senior Priest mildly scolded me for telling him, instead of the Associate Priest.
He said that this is a form of Gossiping.

I contacted the Vicar at my Diocese, thinking that the Pastor was over-stating things.
He told me directly : It is inappropriate to complain to the Pastor about something an Associate Pastor is doing (or NOT doing).
That the Proper way is to tell the Associate Pastor what the Problem is, and try (first) to deal with the issue personally.
That doing it is speaking behind his back, and is embarrassing him unnecessarily, by Gossiping my feelings to his “Boss.”
Upon pursuing it further, he replied that this does NOT count if the Priest is actually violating the law (or an Ethical law of the Church).
 
It is the job of the senior priest (the pastor) to supervise the junior priest (the associate). That is not my opinion, it’s a fact. So feel free to approach the senior priest if you do not feel comfortable because of the behaviors of the younger priest. Discussing something you directly experience, because it is necessary to discuss it, is not gossip nor is it detraction (innapropriately revealing the faults of another, to someone who does not need to know).

Of course you have the option of confronting the younger priest with his behavior, but under the circumstances I suspect that might make things even more akward. So just be polite and ask to move your interactions to the senior priest.
 
FrStevenJones replies to my Post** : “It is the job of the senior priest (the pastor) to supervise the junior priest. That is not my opinion, it’s a fact.”**

That, of course is a True statement of their relationship.

However, I do not see it as his Job to reprimand his subordinate Priest, about an action as petty as not being Happy-enough around a Parishioner.

I think that this was why the Vicar was so forceful in claiming that such things are mere Gossip.

I would appreciate it if you would PM me as to which Diocese you reside in, so I may confirm my advice with the Vicar of your Diocese.

Knowledge is Power … thinking things that are not True is counter-productive.
 
Perhaps he simply thinks you are nice-looking or interesting, and because of this, he worries about ever being inappropriate. Priests are men, after all, but as your priest, his main concern would be for your soul, and so he is being extra cautious. Just a thought. I am sometimes aware when my appearance or personality makes an impression on a man, and it has happened that it is sometimes a priest. It is nothing to be worried about. Just try to be friendly and make note of the boundaries that he has for the sake of propriety and his comfort. I really doubt you have done anything wrong, considering nervousness and shyness are his behaviors, and not scowls or other offended behaviors. Don’t worry.

Edited to add: one more thought. It could be that you remind him of someone with whom he had a bad experience, which would make him nervous. Again, that wouldn’t be your fault, and that would likely improve over time, as you get to know him better.
 
I hate to say this but there could be more to this than meets the eye. When I was younger there was a girl who was interested in me. She and her friends made all attempts to get me to talk to her but I never could. She was too beautiful.

I read an interesting article on CAF about a nun saying how she resisted sexual urges. She said that like all humans she had urges and attractions to certain men but had to resist them based on her vows. This she said is no different to married people having attractions to other people but resisting due to their marriage vows.

Maybe this priest finds you attractive and hence gets shy when he sees you. Remember, he too like the nun I described above, has attractions. I feel you should avoid being close to him or alone with him. Do not lead him into temptation.
 
4love2God said:
However, I do not see it as his Job to reprimand his subordinate Priest, about an action as petty as not being Happy-enough around a Parishioner.
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He is happy around me, and polite. Just very stand-offish, but only with me. It’s not anything I’d complain to his boss about, I’m just trying to understand. I’ve been Christian my entire life so I’ve been around clergy and religious, both socially and “professionally”, so I’m fairly certain I’m not feeling intimidated or anything. The older priest is far more reserved but we hit it off fine, so I dont think it’s that I’m not behaving badly or that I’ve broken a rule. I always smile and say hello when I see Father A. I’m asking because I want to be sensitive to his needs and because he’s my spiritual guide. I don’t feel like he dislikes me, it’s more like he gets all red faced, nervous and awkward…like he’s a school kid and I’m mother superior, sort of.

Thank you for your thoughts.
 
mommamaree said:
Edited to add: one more thought. It could be that you remind him of someone with whom he had a bad experience, which would make him nervous. Again, that wouldn’t be your fault, and that would likely improve over time, as you get to know him better.
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I was thinking, maybe the OP reminds the priest of his mother.

She said she was married with children.

Either way, as you said, it will likely improve with time.
 
McCartney said:
Maybe this priest finds you attractive and hence gets shy when he sees you. Remember, he too like the nun I described above, has attractions. I feel you should avoid being close to him or alone with him. Do not lead him into temptation.
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Thank you. I will bring my husband with me to the meeting I have with him. I’d never meet with a friend’s husband alone so I’ll treat our relationship in a similar way. It makes it A LOT easier to be sensitive and respectful with everyone’s suggestions as to what could be the matter.
 
Graceejou said:
Thank you. I will bring my husband with me to the meeting I have with him. I’d never meet with a friend’s husband alone so I’ll treat our relationship in a similar way. It makes it A LOT easier to be sensitive and respectful with everyone’s suggestions as to what could be the matter.
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Good one. Don’t make it too obvious that your husband is acting as a chaperon. You can always make an excuse that the two of you got delayed in the supermarket and you had no time to drive him home, so you brought him along.
 
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