What do I do about my boyfriend's obsessiveness over my modesty?

[lauriesings]

I will soon be engaged. My future fiance struggles with scrupulosity and has been extremely hard on me in regards to modesty. I can’t seem to help him and am hoping that you could perhaps post an answer that I could share with him. He always wants “black and white” exact answers on all issues.

He has criticized me for wearing tank tops (that are not low-cut) when I go to yoga class or to sleep. I’ve tried to explain that I need to see my postures in yoga and that, with upside-down postures, a t-shirt would fall. If the weather is warm and I am home by myself, I need to be cool enough to sleep. This is not a public activity. I know people that sleep wearing nothing! He has also gone through my closet and stated that anything with a neckline (I own no tops that reveal my chest) is bad and I shouldn’t wear it.

What can I do? I cannot imagine being married and constantly bombarded with criticism like this. If he cannot accept me, I know I can’t go through with things though we love each other very much. I’m also afraid of the impact this could have on our children; if we are fortunate to have daughters that take dance or gymnastics, I’m afraid he won’t be able to handle that these require leotards. In short, he is conflicted by anything that reveals one’s legs, shoulders, or that has a neckline, even one that does not reveal one’s chest.

I am in my 30s and have never been criticized for what I wear until his attacks. I have worked in a Catholic church for many years. I would greatly appreciate any help.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

It sounds to me that your friend’s scrupulosity is a problem he needs to deal with before he is ready to enter into marriage. It shows a lack of trust in you and a lack of respect for your privacy that he would literally go through your closet and tell you what you should and should not wear. You are also correct that if he is acting this way now before you’re married, and does not get proper treatment for his scruples before marriage, the problems the two of you are having will only intensify later.

Now, this isn’t to say that women have no responsibilities to maintain modesty. Yes, they should be careful to evaluate whether clothing is both appropriate to particular activities and appropriate for wearing in public. But it sounds to me that you are doing that. If that is the case, then your friend has no business trying to shame you or obsessing over how much skin is revealed by your clothing. For him, I recommend that he seek counseling or a referral to a counselor in his area from the Pastoral Solutions Institute, a Catholic counseling apostolate. For you, I can only recommend that you seriously reconsider the wisdom of marrying a man who is excessively worried about your modesty and attempts to control your appearance.

Recommended reading:

Pure Womanhood by Crystalina Evert