He told me that I’m supposed to be the person who helps him and that by just telling him to see a counselor I’m “removing myself from the situation.”
sdeco, the two comments above are lies. They are also controlling. I believe it’s important that you see this as soon as possible. Even if he manages to get help for the drinking, the “hook” of control will be very hard to extract if you don’t pull it out now.
My father was an alcoholic, and I have been involved with a few others. It’s a heartbreaking trail.
A person who is out of control, or who is afraid of being out of control, seeks to control others. And most control is not overt – it’s covert, and can appear as intimacy, when it’s the complete opposite.
For example, by the words above, he is defining you. He is telling you what your “job” is (to help him), but worse, he is telling you what is in your mind and heart (that you are removing yourself from the situation). EVEN IF this is true, the LIE is that he has the ability to know these things. He is not God. Only God can see into your mind and heart. Not even a husband can just walk into your mind or heart, take a little look around, evaluate what’s there, then make a report. He has to ASK you what’s on your mind or in your heart. Or LISTEN to you tell him what’s in your mind and heart. It’s called communication. It’s called relating.
It’s also why one of Satan’s names is “The Accuser”, because accusations are based on a presumed ability to know another person’s interior, and that’s an ability only God has. Telling a person what they think, how they feel, what their motivations, purposes, or intentions are also kills relationships – because relating means to exchange information, from one separate person to another separate person. So if he’s claiming to see into your heart or mind, then you’ve just been transformed into an extension of him, and there’s no relating.
In other words, what he said is nonsense. But it’s so slippery because you think you still ARE relating, when he has stopped. And the minute you start trying to clarify what is
really in your mind and heart… you’re bitten the hook. You end up still trying to relate, but he’s “off somewhere” without you. And it will go on, and on, and on, and on…
If I have any wisdom to offer, it’s to continue to reject the hook of control. You cannot help him if he keeps hooking you into “false relating.”
Also, if he can’t control you, it may speed his realization that he needs help. It will also save you from building up a lot of resentments, so you’ll be more effective in the help you do offer.
Don’t explain why what he’s saying isn’t true – just train yourself to react to the truth that words like that are nonsense. A plain “what?” or “what did you say?” (as if you don’t get it, because it’s nonsense) often works. You may have to repeat this several times until he hears YOU. If that doesn’t work, gentle rebuffs like “cut it out”, or “stop that”, are also often useful.
Beyond that, any counselor familiar with alcohol problems will suggest AA and Al-Anon. So I would suggest you start by reading the AA Big Book. It’s cheap and available from any local AA or Al-Anon group (always in your phone book). The story of Bill W, who was a very bad alcoholic, was near death but then had what some people think is a divine awakening is an amazing story. The Big Book was put together by the first group of alcholics who gathered to share experience, strength, and hope with each other, and to stay sober one day at a time. It has a chapter in there called “For the Wives”, and another one called “For Families” (if I recall). There’s also a very good movie (on DVD) you might consider watching, called “My Name is Bill W,” starring James Woods.
AA itself is non-denominational, but there are several priests and nuns who have come out as alcoholics, who practice the 12 steps, and who often share at meetings, gatherings, conventions, etc. So you can also find people (informally) in the AA/Al-Anon world who are specifically Catholic.
Meetings are frequent and everywhere, and everyone is welcome. There’s no need to feel shy, everybody’s just a real person. There’s no cost, they only pass the hat, and you can put in a dollar or two, or nothing, whatever you feel like. Meetings are excellent to attend. They often have “beginners meetings” also, and there’s usually a 24-hour help line if you need someone with this kind of experience to talk to.
One thing the Big Book says though is that an alcoholic will only recover if they can be completely honest. Again, don’t let him entertain the lie that he’s on the same level as God and can know your interior – it does him no favors, and will hurt you also in the end if you don’t deflect that now.
I wish you all the best!
God bless.
