What do I do about my past?

[blue_skies_1]

Hi,
I recently broke up with a boyfriend who was not right for me at all, & I think part of the reason I stayed so long was because we were sexually active so a) there was more of an attachment and b) once we’d had sex I wanted him to be ‘the one’ so he didn’t just become ‘some guy I had sex with’ (if that makes sense)

My question is, how do I deal with the fact that I have a ‘past’? I hardly ever do meet good Catholic men but if I did I can’t imagine what they’d make of some of what I’ve done. Do I have to tell them everything? Couldn’t I just say I’ve made some mistakes & leave it at that or do they need full disclosure? How would a decent man react?

Also even though I’m currently single, I’ve just started dating someone a little bit & I’m concerned about the fact that I still do feel pressure to have sex. I mean it just seems to be a fact of life about dating these days and I don’t want someone to lose interest & not want to see me because I’ve got ‘issues’ with sex or Catholic guilt or whatever. I know this is rather contradictory & I suppose I’m a bit confused at the moment. Do you think most men are still willing to wait, if it’s someone they care about - or is that just naive?

Thanks.

 

[LilyM]

I’d be honest but not graphic about my past. Own up to your mistakes, reveal their general nature, stress that you have suffered plenty for them, repented and are not about to repeat them.

Seriously, a man who cannot handle your past, however good he may be, is not the right man for you. And for that matter, a man who isn’t prepared to accept your chaste present isn’t the right man for you either.

There will be good men out there, possibly those with similar pasts of their own, and similar values in the present, who will be understanding and accepting of where you are and where you’ve come from.

Start praying hard right now to meet a good, kind understanding man if it be God’s will, and trust in Him.

 

[Dempsey1919]

Your past is your business. You don’t have to tell your future boyfriend everything you have done. Forget about the past because you cannot change a thing. Focus on the present, forget about the past, and don’t worry about the future.

 

[Dempsey1919]

I’d be honest but not graphic about my past. Own up to your mistakes, reveal their general nature, stress that you have suffered plenty for them, repented and are not about to repeat them.

It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to know everything. I am sure there are some things you would rather forget about. Why keep bringing them up?

Once you’ve confessed your sins, you should forget about them and focus on being a better person. You deserve a fresh start.

 

[LilyM]

It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to know everything. I am sure there are some things you would rather forget about. Why keep bringing them up?

Once you’ve confessed your sins, you should forget about them and focus on being a better person. You deserve a fresh start.

I never said EVERYTHING, I said the general basics, which doesn’t mean every detail.

If you have no intention whatsoever of getting serious, then you possibly have a point.

Otherwise, HE deserves honesty, and YOU deserve someone who will accept you without too much sugarcoating. Would you want to buy a car if the previous owner wasn’t honest about how many miles it had or how many accidents it had been in?

These things absolutely have a way of coming out of the woodwork whether you mention them or not, and it’s always worse if you have hidden them. So best clear the air voluntarily - not immediately, but at the point where things start getting reasonably serious. It makes it easier for him to accept and move forward with you if that’s what he wants, and makes it easier on you to weed out fairly early on the ones who wouldn’t be right for you or accepting of you in any event.

 

[blue_skies_1]

I never said EVERYTHING, I said the general basics, which doesn’t mean every detail.

If you have no intention whatsoever of getting serious, then you possibly have a point.

Otherwise, HE deserves honesty, and YOU deserve someone who will accept you without too much sugarcoating. Would you want to buy a car if the previous owner wasn’t honest about how many miles it had or how many accidents it had been in?

These things absolutely have a way of coming out of the woodwork whether you mention them or not, and it’s always worse if you have hidden them. So best clear the air voluntarily - not immediately, but at the point where things start getting reasonably serious. It makes it easier for him to accept and move forward with you if that’s what he wants, and makes it easier on you to weed out fairly early on the ones who wouldn’t be right for you or accepting of you in any event.

Thanks Lily, this does make sense to me. I think my future husband whoever he may be does deserve honesty. What is meant by ‘general basics’ though? And what would be too much information? Personally I’m thinking when it comes to talking about this stuff… less is more!

 

[LilyM]

Thanks Lily, this does make sense to me. I think my future husband whoever he may be does deserve honesty. What is meant by ‘general basics’ though? And what would be too much information? Personally I’m thinking when it comes to talking about this stuff… less is more!

On the whole I’d agree, especially about your sexual past - I don’t think anyone will want to know the nitty-gritty. You might just want to take the approach of asking him if he wants to know anything at all, and if so let him ask the questions about the information that he deems important.

For me, I’d want to know whether you had just one previous partner, or a few, or more than a few - and/or whether they were all long-term or any of them were just short-term relationships. But not everyone might.

Of course tell them if you have any communicable diseases or children! Sounds terrible, but anything really big like if you had an abortion or something. Those you’d want to mention even if you’re not asked, I should think.

I think letting them dictate the type of information and the pace of questioning is the best way to go about it.

 

[4Squarebaby]

Consider that single parents turn their lives around and find a good mate with physical evidence that the entire community sees and can’t ignore. Yet they are accepted. Having a history that people only suspect you of having is not a show stopper. And the good man probably has a history similar to yours.

 

[chevalier]

My question is, how do I deal with the fact that I have a ‘past’? I hardly ever do meet good Catholic men but if I did I can’t imagine what they’d make of some of what I’ve done. Do I have to tell them everything?

Not everything, not right now, but at some point yes. Chances are those good Catholic men will have a “past” too. Besides, those good Catholic men should be more lenient and able to get over certain things than the regular “virgins only” club.

Couldn’t I just say I’ve made some mistakes & leave it at that or do they need full disclosure? How would a decent man react?

A decent man would not pry. He would probably suspect mistakes involved some serious things, but he wouldn’t ask.

Also even though I’m currently single, I’ve just started dating someone a little bit & I’m concerned about the fact that I still do feel pressure to have sex. I mean it just seems to be a fact of life about dating these days and I don’t want someone to lose interest & not want to see me because I’ve got ‘issues’ with sex or Catholic guilt or whatever.

If someone loses interest because you won’t have sex, that person is not for you to date. Or would you want to marry someone who talks about “Catholic guilt”? Or someone who thinks you have issues with sex because you won’t sleep with him? Next one, please. A good Catholic one. Enough of the others.

I know this is rather contradictory & I suppose I’m a bit confused at the moment. Do you think most men are still willing to wait, if it’s someone they care about - or is that just naive?

No, most men are not, but you don’t need most, you need one. You don’t need to appeal to the most, either - it’s just enough if you appeal to one, who is a good Catholic or otherwise a good guy and who will marry you and act ethically all about it.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Not everything, not right now, but at some point yes. Chances are those good Catholic men will have a “past” too. Besides, those good Catholic men should be more lenient and able to get over certain things than the regular “virgins only” club.

A decent man would not pry. He would probably suspect mistakes involved some serious things, but he wouldn’t ask.

If someone loses interest because you won’t have sex, that person is not for you to date. Or would you want to marry someone who talks about “Catholic guilt”? Or someone who thinks you have issues with sex because you won’t sleep with him? Next one, please. A good Catholic one. Enough of the others.

No, most men are not, but you don’t need most, you need one. You don’t need to appeal to the most, either - it’s just enough if you appeal to one, who is a good Catholic or otherwise a good guy and who will marry you and act ethically all about it.

Thank you Chevalier. You are always very helpful

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear blue_skies

As long as it is going to be buried in the past, meaning that it wont affect your future relationship, you have no obligation to tell him anything. Naturally you shouldn’t lie about your past mistakes, but it is perfectly reasonable to talk about it in more general terms (such as “I made a mistake, I feel bad about it and I am not going to repeat it”).

On the other hand, over time you might yourself want or need to tell him more about certain details. If you eventually make that choice, I find it doubtful that a good catholic boyfriend/husband would repay your trust with anything but love and understanding. Also chances are that he will have a similar or worse past, so telling him might end up being a moment of mutual healing.

Finally, a good catholic man ought to celebrate the fact that you have returned from sin. If he is unable (or unwilling) to forgive and love a beautiful repentant soul because of past mistakes, you a properly better off without him.

God bless you
TL

 

[BamaRider]

Your past is your business. You don’t have to tell your future boyfriend everything you have done. Forget about the past because you cannot change a thing. Focus on the present, forget about the past, and don’t worry about the future.

So what are ya gonna do if the asks about it? Lie to him?

When the time is right, meaning where y’all are at in the relationship, I’d tell him. I learned long ago to be honset, lay it out and let the chips fall where they may.

I’d rather not get into why I know this to be the best policy, but it is. I can’t tell you when the time will be right, or whether it would be best for him to bring it up or you. That decesion is best left to someone in the relationship.

I wouldn’t offer gritty details, but I’d tell him anything he wants to know, and answer the questions best I could, with the caveat none of that matters now, because it is you I love and want to be with.

It could be this conversation is not finished in one setting. He may come back months later, asking about this or that, absorbing the info tidbits 1 at a time, or he may want it all at once.

My wife had no past other than casual dating, so I don’t know the perspective your partner would be coming from, but I do know yours. My past was complicated, and to be honest not one I was proud of, but I told her all about it, and answered her questions. I gave it to her general terms, she never asked for details. We ran in the same cirlce of people, so she had a general idea of things before quizzing me, and she was even casual friends with some of the girls I dated. I had to be honest because I wasn’t sure what she already knew LOL.

 

[Dempsey1919]

So what are ya gonna do if the asks about it? Lie to him?

If he asks, then she should be honest about her past. However, there is no reason why she should be forthcoming about her past if he hasn’t asked. This doesn’t mean that she should lie or deny anything, it just means that she shouldn’t feel obligated to share everything with him.

 

[BamaRider]

However, there is no reason why she should be forthcoming about her past if he hasn’t asked.

I can go along with that, but do y’all know of a person that loved someone enough to marry them, and did NOT ask about about prior relationships or past sexual encounters?? Would that be something you’d skip?

 

[chevalier]

I can go along with that, but do y’all know of a person that loved someone enough to marry them, and did NOT ask about about prior relationships or past sexual encounters?? Would that be something you’d skip?

Depends. On the one hand, I might. I often feel like I don’t need to know anything of the past, just wouldn’t feel right to be told there were none if there were some, but I don’t need to know the details. On the other hand, marriage and that thing called “true love” is not something that affects your life from now on only, but it does include the past to some extent. You marry a whole person, with a past and with a future. For this reason it might be weird not to know each other’s past in detail. But knowing each other’s past in detail does not mean knowing details of each other’s prior relationships. Ideally, those things should not be secrets as ideally there should not be any secrets between spouses, but there’s simply no good reason to talk about much of that stuff.