What do I do when someone's unwilling to forgive me?

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catechumen08

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Hi all, I’m a wreck. Long story short, I did something I’m not very proud of to someone I care about - I lied to her. And now she and her family are very upset with me. I’ve apologized profusely and asked for their forgiveness, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to get it. I’ve been losing sleep over this, and I’ve prayed about it, but it’s a very heavy cross to bear, and I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m hating myself for having ever done something like this to such a nice person, but I can’t take it back. She said she’s very upset and disappointed in me. She won’t answer my calls or my emails, and I’m at my wit’s end. Is there anything I can do? I’ve offered to make amends, to make things right, but I haven’t heard back, and it’s been over 10 days. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me. I just feel rotten about it. Maybe it’s better if I don’t bother her - that’s probably what’s best for her. Sorry I’m rambling.

P.S. She and her family are Catholic.
 
Forgive them, for not yet forgiving you.
Let go of your anxiety through prayer, and let God handle this. He will know if you are truely sorry and take care of it for you.

I don’t know your stance on God. But I can tell you that it is seriously amazing how many times God has fixed things for me. When I seriously pray hard, and I mean really pray and concentrate and beg God to help and I really mean it…sometimes I will break a sweat in concentration…then…a couple weeks later sometimes a couple months everything is better through amazing coincidences and events.

Lieing is one of those things I find very interesting. So many people don’t take seriously the ten commandments and one of them is telling us not to lie. Many people see the ten commandments as God’s rules for him. But really He loves us and He gave us those rules to help US not to help Him. He knows, better than we do, how much damage we inflict upon ourselves and those that are close to us every time we do it. When you lie there is a ripplee effect with you at the epicenter. You hurt yourself the most and it then ripples out and hurts all those nearest to you the most. When they are hurt, the pain ripples from them to all the people close to them because they all hear about it and endure the pain with them. You see it is a domino effect. In the end we all suffer anytime any one of us lies.

I would strongly urge you to try to change your ways and not lie anymore. I am not calling you a liar at all, we all do it, it is part of our weakness as humans. But take away from it this lesson and try to change your heart. Meanwhile give this family a break and pray hard.
 
catechumen08 said:
Hi all, I’m a wreck. Long story short, I did something I’m not very proud of to someone I care about - I lied to her. And now she and her family are very upset with me. I’ve apologized profusely and asked for their forgiveness, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to get it. I’ve been losing sleep over this, and I’ve prayed about it, but it’s a very heavy cross to bear, and I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m hating myself for having ever done something like this to such a nice person, but I can’t take it back. She said she’s very upset and disappointed in me. She won’t answer my calls or my emails, and I’m at my wit’s end. Is there anything I can do? I’ve offered to make amends, to make things right, but I haven’t heard back, and it’s been over 10 days. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me. I just feel rotten about it. Maybe it’s better if I don’t bother her - that’s probably what’s best for her. Sorry I’m rambling.

P.S. She and her family are Catholic.
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Don’t kick yourself too badly…undoubtedly you were in the wrong and are now paying a price and one that quite possibly you were not aware would be forthcoming at the time you lied. Intrinsic with every sin we commit, small or great, is the inherent punishment either in this life or the next. After I sin, God does not punish me…He warns me in fact that sin has consequences inbuilt as it were so that when I sin those consequences come with it either in this life or the next…perhaps in both. God does not ask us not to sin in order to toe any line, rather because sin will make us unhappy.

All of us fail in some way some where or other…if I offend someone and they refuse to forgive, I need to be accepting of their pain and their reaction to that pain. I need to admit to myself that I failed them (and perhaps by deliberate choice in a deliberate lie) and now I am paying the consequences. But do be in Peace and ask that God forgives you, which He will if your sorrow is true albeit perhaps not the most perfect sorrow…and ask of God too that those you have let down will find forgiveness in their hearts for you. However, we have no control over the decisions and actions of others - we cannot control their free will.
It probably is a very cross you carry in their refusal to forgive…and they may feel they are carrying a very heavy cross because you lied to them and let them down. This may have been a tremendous shock to them because they really did put their trust in you and in your integrity.
Have you thought of writing a very careful and honest note about your sorrow and posting it to them…and then give them some space.
Our life does not happen, it unfolds…and what is to unfold from your lie and the consequences is still in the unfolding. Whatever does unfold you need to trust in God that it is for the best and that may be an even heavier cross. Alternatively all may unfold happily for you all. You need to trust God in all this and to stay close to Him through prayer and trust and trying to do what you think He would ask of you in all this. Pray selflessly too, asking God to please free them from their own pain at this time.

Again, dont kick yourself too badly…we all mess up! I sure know that I have and probably will again, which is a scarey sort of thought as much as I hope not - but my nature is and will remain human and faulted. I often pray to handle the next crisis (and probably one through my own fault) better than I handled the last.

There is a question you need ask yourself. Am I sorry because I lied…or am I sorry only because I got found out? Either way God’s Mercy is total and all embracing, but the answer to that question may tell you something about yourself that you need to know.

I’ll be keeping you in prayer and hope that as it all unfolds it will be a happy unfolding for you all…Blessings and regards - Barb:)
 
There is a difference between forgiving someone and making a choice not to associate with them any more. She can very well forgive you, but forgiveness is not a free pass to regaining lost trust or making it all go away.

These boards are full of people who have terrible pasts with people in their lives. They can love those people, forgive them their faults, but decide that it is better for them and their family to keep distance.

Forgiveness is a choice. Pain, loss of trust, disappointment in a person, those are feelings. Maybe they will heal in time.

All you can do is express your remorse. Which you have done. Its now up to her.
 
Thank you all for your advice. I did write her and her father each a letter of apology, and then I wrote her a personal letter of apology, but I still haven’t heard back. She didn’t find out about the lie, until I told her. I feel like such a jerk right now. I really liked this girl, and now I’m most likely going to lose her forever.
 
You are in my prayers!! I understand your pain. None of us are perfect. We have all made mistakes. The fact that you told her that you lied is a good thing. It shows you have a fine conscience and want to do the right thing and repent when wrong. We are never without faults, even the saints. The difference between a sinner and a saints is that the saint gets back up and repents after a fall (sin). God says not to love anyone more than Himself. Please do not feel you were wrong for repenting and telling her the truth. You must stand before God and do what is right even if it causes you suffering. If you continue to grow in rightousness and holiness God will take care of you and proved all of your needs. She will eventually see that also and if she doesn’t, maybe you don’t want to continue to be involved with someone who can’t forgive. Hopefully she just needs a little growing in that area or a little time to heal, but if she is stubbornly unforgiving maybe she will only continue to hurt you in the future.
I have a prayer that always works: Mary, Mother of Jesus and My Mother, help me to know, love and fulfill God’s Holy Will. If you are not Catholic and don’t yet understand that we don’t worship Mary, but ask her to pray to Jesus for our needs, then you can change the prayer to: Jesus help me to know, love and fulfill your Holy Will. You are asking God, not only to help you know HIS will in your life, but also to love whatever His plans for your are. You can also pray the same for your friend, that she knows, loves and fulfills God’s Holy Will. Trust! God will hear you and give you what is best for your life if you pray like that. Know matter how hard it is, always choose to do what is right before God, not man. Honesty and Holiness will lead to eventually a holy marriage with someone and a happy life. You are in my prayers, God Bless
 
Thank you for your prayers, and everyone else who’s been kind enough to keep me in theirs.

I don’t want to make this about me, because I did commit a grave sin against her and she’s the one who’s been hurt by my actions. I hope she will be able to find it in her heart to forgive me someday. Until then, it’s a cross that I’ll have to carry. It’s a very, very heavy cross.
 
Dear Catuch. I would like to give you a web site that I believe will help you a lot. It is marian.org/divinemercy/ click on “gift shop” at the top, then again at the top click on “pamplets” there you will find the first pamplet is “the Chapleth of Divine Mercy” please consider buying it for you and your friend and then scroll down to pamplet four “Devotion to the Divine Mercy” and buy two. Then click on “books” at the top, “Divine Mercy” on the left, go to the “next” or second page, there you will find the book of the Divine Mercy in hard cover ($20) or paper back ($14) buy two, one for you and one for her. secure.marianweb.net/giftshop/list.php?pageNum_rsList=1&totalRows_rsList=32&DID=101&CLID=161 This is the link to the books if you have trouble navigating through the site.
Now, I will tell you why I suggest these pamplets and books. God’s Mercy is not the same as man’s. If you have not remembered to ask God’s forgiveness, do it now! Then please believe that God forgives you. Sometimes we make the mistake to think because a person does not forgive us (especially a person that goes to church) that God does not forgive us. That is far from the truth. God forgives the minute we ask His forgiveness. Again, do not be sorry that you told the truth even if she is not yet ready to forgive. Work on your relationship with God first. You have more time now that she is not seeing you, please read the book in the evenings. It will help a lot. If you are trying to become a Catholic, do not stop! Continue to work on your friendship and relationship with God. You need God right now. If she doesn’t want to date you, that is her choice, but if she refuses to forgive, then she needs help with her relationship with God also. Give her the book and pamplets as a present. Just because she goes to church it doesn’t mean she is done growing in her faith. We are always growing and always need to get closer to God. We always need to grow in our love of God and neighbor. Hopefully she will continue growing and not get stuck in bitterness. You can’t grow that way. Give her time to grow and forgive her for not forgiving you. Pray for her. And again, her ways are not God’s ways. God has forgiven you and is close to you and will help you. Spend more time with God.
 
The best repentance is to not repeat this offense. If you are catholic, go to confession and be truely sorry for your sin. Most importantly is forgiveness from God. If your pray with a contrite heart, your sins will be forgiven.

If this girl and her parents are catholic, I would hope that they will come to forgive in due time. It, of course, depends on the seriousness of the lie or lies you told. The more grave the offense, the longer it may take for them to forgive you. Then again, they may never come around to forgiveness, or if they do, they may forgive your actions but not wish to associate with you anymore.

Place it in God’s hands, and try not to worry about it anymore.

“He that loveth God, shall obtain pardon for his sins by prayer, and shall refrain himself from them, and shall be heard in the prayer of days.” Ecclus.iii. 4.
 
I have been in this position of being denied forgiveness, and it’s a very grievous one.

You have done all you can do. God does not expect more of you.

As someone here already said, forgive your friend for not forgiving you.
 
You have apologized. Unfortunately, there is a price to pay when we do something bad. It can be the loss of friendships and trust.
It is the price we pay, sad but real.

Your apology was very good. Now go to confession and have God forgive you and move from there. You cannot force people to forget. They may certainly have already forgiven but not forgotten.
 
It is common for offenses to occur in the
context of other offenses. When people
misunderstand each other, they may hurt each
other’s feelings by speech, actions, or omissions.
Often both people feel misunderstood and poorly
treated. When one person can take responsibility
and apologize for their portion of harm, it may open
up communication and allow the other party to
apologize as well.
To truly heal a relationship, it is powerful for
people to exchange apologies. Each person
acknowledges their responsibility, they reach a
shared definition of the harmful behaviors committed
by each one, they are both truly sorry, and they
create a plan to avoid future misunderstandings.
This sharing of responsibility for the relationship is a
model of peacemaking that restores respect, caring,
and trust.
**

I don’t know how your lie damaged this relationship. But obviously, if is a temporary breach of trust or a permanent one, you have to be willing to accept the consequences. Keep praying on it. Even go to confession and discuss it with your confessor or spiritual advisor. Sometimes time will heal the wound too. Just be willing to understand, that you are not in control of the outcome.
**
 
You did the right thing by coming clean to your friend. Like other posters have said, perhaps this will take time for her to come around, but your best bet (and I know it’s not going to be easy), but place it in God’s Hands and let Him take care of it from now.

Also, you should go to Confession (if you already haven’t) and maybe even consider having a Mass said for her and her family. Try not to beat yourself up so much about this - you are human and you realized your error and are doing your best to make it right. 👍

I will keep you and your intentions in my prayers. God bless.
 
Thanks again for all your (name removed by moderator)ut! I sent her yesterday a poem I wrote by hand. I hope she will react to it positively.
 
Depends on the gravity of the lie. Does the lie impugn you character? Is there some reparation that can be made?

Lies are very telling.
 
Arlene said:
There is a difference between forgiving someone and making a choice not to associate with them any more. She can very well forgive you, but forgiveness is not a free pass to regaining lost trust or making it all go away.

These boards are full of people who have terrible pasts with people in their lives. They can love those people, forgive them their faults, but decide that it is better for them and their family to keep distance.

Forgiveness is a choice. Pain, loss of trust, disappointment in a person, those are feelings. Maybe they will heal in time.

All you can do is express your remorse. Which you have done. Its now up to her.
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This is OUTSTANDING !!!
 
Okay, she told me not to contact her again. So I guess that’s that. Lesson learned. Never ever lie to a girl - or anybody - again.
 
I will keep you in my prayers today. God has better plans for you. Keep trusting in God!
 
catechumen08 said:
Okay, she told me not to contact her again. So I guess that’s that. Lesson learned. Never ever lie to a girl - or anybody - again.
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At age 27 you will have many future opportunities to meet others of the opposite sex. Many women are waiting into their 30’s for marriage and family so the “availables” are great in number.

You must be honest with yourself as to the glitches in your makeup…we all have them. Truthfulness is a valuable trait it wins trust from the other person and confidence in you.

Learn by this and move on while correcting those traits that are detrimental to your future relationships.

The first place to be totally honest is in the confessional. When you are honest with God everything else falls into place.
 
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