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Sailor_Kenshin
Guest
Honor them for giving you life, and let it go.
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ChristineML
Guest
How do I honor a parent who has treated me this way?
Once you no longer live under your parents’ roof, you no longer have to “obey” them. “Loving” them doesn’t have to be the touchy-feely emotional variety, but rather the decision, act of will, to do the right thing for them. For example, if you can barely stand to talk to them or be in the same room with them, “honoring” them could be calling them up once a week or once a month, touching on the basics of what’s going on in each other’s lives, keeping the conversation brief, but making sure they are properly taken care of in their older years: food, medical care, cleanliness, etc.
I read a story in Kathy Kalina’s Midwife for Souls: Spiritual Care for the Dying, in which an abusive alcoholic father who abandoned the family decades previously shows up on their doorstep, informs them he’s dying and wants them to take care of him. And they did! It doesn’t have to be in your own home, mind you, reconciliation may or may not ever happen, but they honored him at great personal difficulty, and that hopefully was a great consolation after he was gone.
Once you no longer live under your parents’ roof, you no longer have to “obey” them. “Loving” them doesn’t have to be the touchy-feely emotional variety, but rather the decision, act of will, to do the right thing for them. For example, if you can barely stand to talk to them or be in the same room with them, “honoring” them could be calling them up once a week or once a month, touching on the basics of what’s going on in each other’s lives, keeping the conversation brief, but making sure they are properly taken care of in their older years: food, medical care, cleanliness, etc.
I read a story in Kathy Kalina’s Midwife for Souls: Spiritual Care for the Dying, in which an abusive alcoholic father who abandoned the family decades previously shows up on their doorstep, informs them he’s dying and wants them to take care of him. And they did! It doesn’t have to be in your own home, mind you, reconciliation may or may not ever happen, but they honored him at great personal difficulty, and that hopefully was a great consolation after he was gone.
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ChristineML
Guest
Oops, I was just thinking of their physical needs there.
On the topic of emotional needs, do they have friends? Do they get out for senior citizen type activities?
On the topic of spiritual needs, you could “honor your parents” with their permission by arranging for a priest to visit every now and then, for anointing of the sick or last rites in danger of death, and even without their knowledge or permission if they are hostile to religion, pray for them during their lives, and have Masses said for the repose of their souls after their deaths.
All this could be done from a little bit of distance if you need that for your comfort and emotional health.
On the topic of emotional needs, do they have friends? Do they get out for senior citizen type activities?
On the topic of spiritual needs, you could “honor your parents” with their permission by arranging for a priest to visit every now and then, for anointing of the sick or last rites in danger of death, and even without their knowledge or permission if they are hostile to religion, pray for them during their lives, and have Masses said for the repose of their souls after their deaths.
All this could be done from a little bit of distance if you need that for your comfort and emotional health.
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ChristineML
Guest
One day when I was twelve I heard my mother crying in the hallway outside my bedroom door. Assuming they were tears of exhaustion, I came out and offered to take care of my few-months-old baby brother for her. Imagine my surprise and hurt when she called me a “bitch” and refused my offer of help. That is the only time I can remember her calling me a name, but the hurt and injustice stung for years. Years later when I became a mother, she told me of breastfeeding difficulties with my younger brother (he preferred a bottle to her breast, imagine the feelings of rejection by your own baby) and how early he could roll over (days old, I believe) and how he rolled off their king size bed several times. (I’ve had babies roll out of bed, too, so I know how awful a mother feels about it.) Imagine if her crying and my offer of help happened on the same day as all those breastfeeding issues and rolling out of bed. She would probably have interpreted my offer as a criticism of her adequacy as a mother and naturally have been terribly offended. I never did ask her directly if that was the case (I was too chicken 
), but the name-calling was a lot easier to forgive.
My mom was also a big yeller. She’d stay up late at night doing whatever and then be really irritable and cranky the next day from lack of sleep. I didn’t understand how someone who supposedly loved us (and I KNOW she did, she was physically affectionate and frequently praised me and told me she loved me) could treat us so badly so frequently. She knew the cause, but she stayed up anyway and was irritable. Several times when I was sixteen/seventeen, I’d come home from school and be upstairs napping or doing homework and I’d hear screaming (scared me, seemed so out-of-control) and spanking, which may or may not have been deserved, at my younger brother and sister, aged four/five years and one/two years. I was mad at my Mom for years and at my Dad, who I told once or twice and apparently did nothing, and at myself, feeling guilty for not standing up to protect my younger siblings. Now, looking back, if only I had played with my younger siblings or taken them to the local playground for half an hour or an hour during the late-afternoon, everyone’s-cranky, getting-dinner-together rush. As a mother now, I would be so relieved and grateful for that help, but sixteen-year-old me was either oblivious (never thought of it) or maybe too lazy to do it if I had thought of it.
to be continued…
), but the name-calling was a lot easier to forgive.My mom was also a big yeller. She’d stay up late at night doing whatever and then be really irritable and cranky the next day from lack of sleep. I didn’t understand how someone who supposedly loved us (and I KNOW she did, she was physically affectionate and frequently praised me and told me she loved me) could treat us so badly so frequently. She knew the cause, but she stayed up anyway and was irritable. Several times when I was sixteen/seventeen, I’d come home from school and be upstairs napping or doing homework and I’d hear screaming (scared me, seemed so out-of-control) and spanking, which may or may not have been deserved, at my younger brother and sister, aged four/five years and one/two years. I was mad at my Mom for years and at my Dad, who I told once or twice and apparently did nothing, and at myself, feeling guilty for not standing up to protect my younger siblings. Now, looking back, if only I had played with my younger siblings or taken them to the local playground for half an hour or an hour during the late-afternoon, everyone’s-cranky, getting-dinner-together rush. As a mother now, I would be so relieved and grateful for that help, but sixteen-year-old me was either oblivious (never thought of it) or maybe too lazy to do it if I had thought of it.
to be continued…
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ChristineML
Guest
NickyCW, you don’t mention your age or state in life (married/single, with kids or not), so forgive me if I state the obvious or the irrelevant…
I understand my mother SO much better now that I am grown and a wife and mother myself. Motherhood requires CONSTANT sacrifices, giving up what you’d rather be doing at any given moment to take care of truly helpless little ones and amazingly oblivious older ones. (The only time I get to do what I want to do is after the kids are asleep. So I stay up late, I lack sufficient sleep, I get irritable and easily overwhelmed, but I try to control myself and not take it out anyone.) Parenting takes incredible emotional resources, coping skills, maybe respite help from relatives and babysitters, and good parenting scripts from our own childhood if we are to do a decent (never perfect, that’s impossible) just a decent job parenting our own children. All the love in the world can’t necessarily make up for those if any of those are lacking.
Children do amazingly stupid, annoying, irritating things over and over and over again; they just don’t know any better. They can be rude and disrespectful and completely ungrateful for all your efforts on their part. For example, I had a rotten, rotten, rotten day on Monday homeschooling my eight-year-old and my six-year-old, with my eleven-year-old, three-year-old and one-year-old underfoot to add to the chaos. On the 20th or 30th irritation or frustration from childish irresponsibility or backtalk or pushing the limits, I broke down in tears, crying and yelling that their behavior was making my job as a mommy very difficult, ( I tried to be specific, this action, this speech, was making my job as a mommy harder) and they should take better care of me, and I deserve better. (I don’t expect perfection, just an effort on their part.) I COMPLETELY understand why some parents occasionally snap and lose it. When you’re in the middle of a downward spiral of rage and frustration, it’s REALLY hard to step back, take a breath, and (a) be clear to your kids what behavior on their part (not THEM, but their behavior) is bothering you and (b) plan/execute the plan to change your expectations and actions and their expectations and actions to make the situation better right now and prevent it in the future.
Now add to this mix the effect of personalities, the mother’s and the kids’. I like things neat and orderly. I like the living room to be clutter-free, toys in the separate playroom. Again, I don’t expect perfection, just an effort on my kids’ part. The Xth time in a row I clean up and come back to find a mess five minutes later, I might get understandably upset. Also, I like to focus on only one thing at a time. If I am doing paperwork, making dinner, or even changing a poopy diaper, and the other kids interrupt with complaints, questions, requests for assistance (always RIGHT NOW, mind you), I find it irritating and physically stressful. Call it a mental handicap if you will, but I can only do one thing at a time, it’s just how my brain is wired, and it must be accommodated. The kids have to learn to wait a minute and take turns. Now for the kids’ personalities: some kids are eager to please you (and easy to please them), a joy to parent, but they can still do childishly irresponsible or irritating things; these are usually easily forgiven because I can see that she cares and is really trying. Other kids are less eager-to-please. I try to use Dr. Dobson’s positive descriptions – high-energy and strong-willed – but you can read between the lines and hear difficult-to-please, easily frustrated, stubborn, willful, etc. These kids are a lot harder to parent and a lot harder to forgive because they seem not to care and not to even try to please you. Some personalities and some combinations of personalities are particularly volatile and likely to lead to conflict. Can that fact of life make things easier to forgive?
My sister Suzy remembers (and throws in my Mom’s face during arguments) every instance of injustice and mistreatment at my mother’s hands, but never remembers the behavior on her (Suzy’s) part that provoked the punishments or corrections. Back to our original poster, could you check your memories with your brother/father/mother? What if, instead of confronting your mother with HER behavior, which could feel like an attack and not get a good reaction, what if you asked her about YOUR behavior, which she could perhaps be more objective and calmer talking about. Ask her what kind of child you were, if there’s anything you could have done differently to have a happier, more peaceful home life, if she enjoyed or found it difficult to be a mother. Take all her memories as biased in her favor, add all your memories as biased in your favor, and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe it will be easier to forgive then.
Hoping I don’t get remembered as a bad mother
,
Christine
I understand my mother SO much better now that I am grown and a wife and mother myself. Motherhood requires CONSTANT sacrifices, giving up what you’d rather be doing at any given moment to take care of truly helpless little ones and amazingly oblivious older ones. (The only time I get to do what I want to do is after the kids are asleep. So I stay up late, I lack sufficient sleep, I get irritable and easily overwhelmed, but I try to control myself and not take it out anyone.) Parenting takes incredible emotional resources, coping skills, maybe respite help from relatives and babysitters, and good parenting scripts from our own childhood if we are to do a decent (never perfect, that’s impossible) just a decent job parenting our own children. All the love in the world can’t necessarily make up for those if any of those are lacking.
Children do amazingly stupid, annoying, irritating things over and over and over again; they just don’t know any better. They can be rude and disrespectful and completely ungrateful for all your efforts on their part. For example, I had a rotten, rotten, rotten day on Monday homeschooling my eight-year-old and my six-year-old, with my eleven-year-old, three-year-old and one-year-old underfoot to add to the chaos. On the 20th or 30th irritation or frustration from childish irresponsibility or backtalk or pushing the limits, I broke down in tears, crying and yelling that their behavior was making my job as a mommy very difficult, ( I tried to be specific, this action, this speech, was making my job as a mommy harder) and they should take better care of me, and I deserve better. (I don’t expect perfection, just an effort on their part.) I COMPLETELY understand why some parents occasionally snap and lose it. When you’re in the middle of a downward spiral of rage and frustration, it’s REALLY hard to step back, take a breath, and (a) be clear to your kids what behavior on their part (not THEM, but their behavior) is bothering you and (b) plan/execute the plan to change your expectations and actions and their expectations and actions to make the situation better right now and prevent it in the future.
Now add to this mix the effect of personalities, the mother’s and the kids’. I like things neat and orderly. I like the living room to be clutter-free, toys in the separate playroom. Again, I don’t expect perfection, just an effort on my kids’ part. The Xth time in a row I clean up and come back to find a mess five minutes later, I might get understandably upset. Also, I like to focus on only one thing at a time. If I am doing paperwork, making dinner, or even changing a poopy diaper, and the other kids interrupt with complaints, questions, requests for assistance (always RIGHT NOW, mind you), I find it irritating and physically stressful. Call it a mental handicap if you will, but I can only do one thing at a time, it’s just how my brain is wired, and it must be accommodated. The kids have to learn to wait a minute and take turns. Now for the kids’ personalities: some kids are eager to please you (and easy to please them), a joy to parent, but they can still do childishly irresponsible or irritating things; these are usually easily forgiven because I can see that she cares and is really trying. Other kids are less eager-to-please. I try to use Dr. Dobson’s positive descriptions – high-energy and strong-willed – but you can read between the lines and hear difficult-to-please, easily frustrated, stubborn, willful, etc. These kids are a lot harder to parent and a lot harder to forgive because they seem not to care and not to even try to please you. Some personalities and some combinations of personalities are particularly volatile and likely to lead to conflict. Can that fact of life make things easier to forgive?
My sister Suzy remembers (and throws in my Mom’s face during arguments) every instance of injustice and mistreatment at my mother’s hands, but never remembers the behavior on her (Suzy’s) part that provoked the punishments or corrections. Back to our original poster, could you check your memories with your brother/father/mother? What if, instead of confronting your mother with HER behavior, which could feel like an attack and not get a good reaction, what if you asked her about YOUR behavior, which she could perhaps be more objective and calmer talking about. Ask her what kind of child you were, if there’s anything you could have done differently to have a happier, more peaceful home life, if she enjoyed or found it difficult to be a mother. Take all her memories as biased in her favor, add all your memories as biased in your favor, and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe it will be easier to forgive then.
Hoping I don’t get remembered as a bad mother
,Christine
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Sailor_Kenshin
Guest
I was just leafing through my Mom’s handwritten-plus-pasted-in-recipes cookbooks. I miss her so much.
And most of my life I was scared to death of her. If this thread says anything to me it’s that kids understand way more than we think they do, and it would have helped in every situation if the parent had just explained or apologized.
If not, kids try to figure out the reason for their parents’ temper tantrums and such, and the stuff they conclude is always worse than what really caused the outburst.
And most of my life I was scared to death of her. If this thread says anything to me it’s that kids understand way more than we think they do, and it would have helped in every situation if the parent had just explained or apologized.
If not, kids try to figure out the reason for their parents’ temper tantrums and such, and the stuff they conclude is always worse than what really caused the outburst.
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mercygate
Guest
Such as, “There must be something wrong with ME!”
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Sailor_Kenshin
Guest
You must be psychic.
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crenfro
Guest
If my mom had apologized to me for some of her behaviors while I was a kid, it would have made all the difference.
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