What do i do??

[jmcrae]

To Paulakf;

You are doing great. You have good rules. Your kid broke the rules - the problem was not the rules, though. The problem right now is how to motivate the kid to start following the rules. This means sit him down, talk to him, make it known that breaking the rules does not cause them to cease to exist and that a memorable consequence is required.

You will do the right thing, I just know it.

 

[wjp984]

Dating is for when you are ready to get married. Most people aren’t ready to get married when they are only 16 years old.

Before that, kids need to hang out in mixed groups and get to know people of the opposite sex as friends, but not pair off. Dating without the intention to marry is nothing more than a dress rehearsal for divorce, since if they don’t intend to marry, then at some point, they are going to have to break up.

And who is to say there can not be intent to marry even if the couple are not ready to marry at the time and a marriage is many years in the future? My aunt first met her husband in high school, started dating at 16, and ended up getting married several years later. I never said the op’s rules are a problem but just that it may be a cause for rebellion, especially since she mentioned that her oldest already caused trouble and now the next one is doing the same thing. If I am missing information and there are other older children who remained obediant as well as being faithful to the Catholic church then that’s another story.

 

[wjp984]

I also think it has to do with personality so no matter what you do every child will be different and need different methods. For example, in my case, I am an argumentative, rebellious person so because there were no rules enforced on me, my parents divorced and my family was disfunctional, it was rebellious for me to behave and rebellious for me to not take drugs like everyone else and most of all, rebellious for me to be a faithful practicing Catholic. I feel it is countercultural in general to be a faithful practicing Catholic so fortunately it is appealing to me not to mention I think a happy life goes along with it. The only setback was I had to learn about what being a good practicing Catholic means and Catholic school was not much help in that regard. So as weird as it seems I prefer rules and guidelines and respect authority now, but only because I didn’t have any growing up. However, with my personality, if I were brought up in an environment where rules were forced on me, I probably would have spent every effort to disobey and get away with as much stuff as possible while disregarding the Catholic faith in an effort to make my parents angry. I am not saying you should have no rules since that is not the solution; I’m saying that there has to be some way to get your son to understand why your rules are set in place and for him to appreciate them, want to follow them, and be thankful for your guidance in the Catholic faith. I’m saying that in my opinion every child requires a different method to get the message.

 

[anna1978]

And who is to say there can not be intent to marry even if the couple are not ready to marry at the time and a marriage is many years in the future? My aunt first met her husband in high school, started dating at 16, and ended up getting married several years later. I never said the op’s rules are a problem but just that it may be a cause for rebellion, especially since she mentioned that her oldest already caused trouble and now the next one is doing the same thing. If I am missing information and there are other older children who remained obediant as well as being faithful to the Catholic church then that’s another story.

Okay, I’m going to back you up on this. I’m from a Mennonite family (Catholic since 1989 though), and grew up with very strong morals. Yet, no-one in my family was ‘forbidden’ to date- as long as the ‘dating’ took place in broad day-light and in a group of people, preferably family-members. All my cousins, nephews, nieces and even my siblings started ‘dating’ at aged 15 or 16, and they all got married to eachother once they became adults. We’ve had 18-year-olds marry, but also one cousin who met his wife when she was 13 and he 18, they were allowed to ‘date’ with parents present so they could get to know eachother, and after carefully and prayerfully determining they had a future together, they got married when Lisette was 23 and Arnie 28. Now, they are soon coming up to their 25th wedding anniversary. My father started ‘dating’ aged 16, and they married when he was 19 and his wife 18. In my family we didn’t have any underage sex (with family present at all times, and large groups of siblings sharing bedrooms this would have been hard anyway) and it didn’t do anyone any harm. Many long-lasting, happy marriages came from it! Coming to think of it, my friends all ‘dated’ from a young age and are now in their thirties and still happily married, I really don’t see anything wrong with it, if it is carefully done and the young not brought to temptations beyond their years!

Totally ruling out any form of friendship/companionship/‘dating’ will, in my opinion, lead to the very thing you’re trying to avoid: underage sex and sneaky behaviour.

Anna x

 

[kage_ar]

Doctor Ray. Doctor Ray.

Also, a book called “Why Christian Kid’s Rebel” Tim Kimmel is not Catholic, but it is not in any way anti-Catholic. Good book.

 

[paulakf]

I do have one teenager that has grasped her faith and is a good kid and has followed the rules she is 17 so i guess maybe personallity has something to do with this I do appriciate everyones (name removed by moderator)ut I think as Catholic(christian) parents we should have a lot of support especially this day and age I value everyones suggestions .I also have 5 more that will be teenagers one day so i can use all the help i can get
Paula

 

[leonie]

My oldest is 13, so I’m not qualified to answer as a parent, but I still feel the pain of having out of control siblings. Two of us did fine as teens and two of us were drug users, rule breakers, and promiscuous.

As a “good” kid, I would say that the best thing for the younger kids is to keep a tight rein on the rebels. My rebellious siblings ruled the house. My mom withdrew emotionally and physically because of all the stress. The household rules grew very lax. I was anxious and lonely and resentful that my siblings demolished our family.

My out of control siblings now have out of control lives. They are in their late thirties and still don’t discipline themselves. My parents are still rescuing them from their mistakes.

I know my parents did the best they could, but I wish they would have clamped down on my sibs instead of loosening up. And, I wish we would have increased our family time–dinners together, family vacations, etc. instead of abandoning all family activities because it was so difficult.

Keep up the good work. And, don’t let these two kids who are going through this difficult time rob you of the energy and attention all your kids need. All those younger kids are watching to see how you handle the older ones.

 

[paulakf]

Thank you for that advice …i have clamped down hard sometimes i feel too hard but i want to save their souls so i do what i have to do…it is exahusting but i am trying to still spend time with the little ones …ah …when they were all little i enjoyed that tremendously…I like to hear advice from someone who lived it in thier lives so you are qualified in my eyes that is for sure. Keep us in your prayers
Paula