What do I give for do for the funeral?

[luvchrist4ever]

Hello,
My grandfather just passed away at the age of 82. This is the first close relative that I have had die, so I am not sure what is appropriate in term of gifts. My grandparents were divorced, but they were married for 30 years. What would be appropriate to give my grandma, if anything? Also what should I do for my mom and her two siblings that just lost their father? Thanks for any advice you can offer.

 

[1ke]

What would be appropriate to give my grandma, if anything?

People do not typically give gifts on such an occasion. You can send flowers to the funeral, have a mass said for your grandfather, give a sympathy card, ask if there is anything your grandmother needs (often people will bring a meal or offer to clean house other necessities that the bereaved would not feel up to doing for themselves).

Also what should I do for my mom and her two siblings that just lost their father? Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Just ask them if they need help with anything.

Offer to house sit, baby sit, run errands, make phone calls, write thank you notes, etc.

 

[skigirl1689]

Gifts are not usually given for funerals (at least in my experience), but some people send flowers, bring food to the family or to the funeral home, give a monetary gift in a sympathy card to the family or to a charity in memory of the deceased. In my opinion, the best thing is just to be there for your family, if possible, and volunteer to help in whatever ways you can.

My sympathies to you and your family.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

When my grandfather passed away I didn’t even make food. I was too busy getting his arrangements together with my uncle and aunt. Food was sent by ladies from church, neighbors, and extended family. I would only think you should surround yourself with your family.

 

[Gidge]

1. A Mass card
   (A stipend to the priest is customary)
2. Perpetual Mass
   (Donation to a religious community to always be remembered on their altar)
3. Gregorian Masses (30 Masses for the repose of your grandfather’s soul)
   (Stipend rates vary from $300 - $600 for Gregorian Masses)

All of the other suggestions thus far ( cooking food, offering help, etc.) are good also

May your Grandfather + Requiescat in pace +

 

[Cath4life]

My family usually gives a perpetual Mass card
from www.marian.org. Go to Enrollment and you can select the type whether 1 year or more or perpetual enrollment about $25

I have also sent fruit flowers and they are loved by all. www.fruitflowers.com

Blessings and Peace to you,

 

[Allegra]

Go over and help clean the house. You could offer to make food for the funeral luncheon, if there is one. Spend time with your grandma and help her with things she needs done around the house.

 

[SamH]

Go over and help clean the house. You could offer to make food for the funeral luncheon, if there is one. Spend time with your grandma and help her with things she needs done around the house.

They weren’t married anymore (given the ages they may not have been married for over 20 years). I would think the “appropriate” people to direct your sympathy towards are your parents and any aunts and uncles.

 

[Allegra]

They weren’t married anymore (given the ages they may not have been married for over 20 years). I would think the “appropriate” people to direct your sympathy towards are your parents and any aunts and uncles.

That sounds about right. Though one might want to call grandma in case she needs to talk. My parents have not been married for well over 20 years, but they are still close and I know my mother would be devastated if something was to happen to my dad and visa versa.

 

[teresa_lamb]

My sympathy goes out to you and your family. I just lost my 94 year old grandmother a week and a half ago.

I would suggest comforting each other…if you see something that needs to be done, don’t ask, just do it…like the dishes, running errands, keeping snacks and drinks handy…but above all love one another.

Peace in Christ, Teresa

 

[KathyA]

All of the suggestions for helping out (preparing food, cleaning etc.) are great. When my mom passed away a few years ago, what meant the most to me were the cards that had personal stories/remembrances written in them. My much older cousin wrote about meeting my mom for the first time–seeing her in a poodle shirt with her pony tail swinging and thinking ‘Cool! A teenager!’. There were some other things written that showed a part of my mom that I never knew and I really appreciated that people took the time to write their thoughts down. Since then, I have taken the time to try to write down more than just “Thinking of you and praying for you.” I try to capture what the person who died meant to me, even if I didn’t know them very well. Even just to say, “I always looked forward to running into Jane at the grocery store. She always had just a bright and sunny way about her that it always cheered me up to see her!” You know…pick a characteristic you appreciated and build a few sentences around it.

Kathy

 

[smallcat]

OP,
After reading some of your previous posts on other threads, I think your questions about marriage run far deeper than the one you pose here. A forum of internet strangers is probably not going to help you out a whole lot- I advise you to seek counsel from a priest or spiritual director whom you can trust.

 

[shainski]

Yes, I agree with everyone else.

It’s not about giving a gift. When my father died - some people did give small amounts of money - $5 to $20 in a card. Some sent flowers. But most of all - what really is valuable is to be there for your grandma and your parents.

Help if you can - when you can - but i think just relieving some of the loneliness and grief (well, you can’t really relieve the grief, they will have to go through it). But having someone remember the individual is wonderful - and not just at the funeral - because there is so much to do that week - those people often don’t really feel the loss right away. But the weeks and months that follow - when people are no longer calling or visiting- that is when the loneliness can really set in.

Often people have no idea what to say - so they say nothing. Then because they have said nothing, they feel guilty about not having done the right thing - so the avoid the person who had a loss. There is no “right thing” to say - in fact, there is nothing that you can say that will make it all better. So once, you realize that, you can decide to be there for comfort and support - and for companionship. You don’t have to be there all the time - but just make extra efforts to have calls or visits - short ones if you want. And don’t be afraid to bring up the memory of the deceased. Don’t think that you might “remind them of their loss and they might start crying”. Yes, they might cry - but it wasn’t because of you - and it may be a good thing that they are crying to remember all that they had.

So when you say - "I will always miss how Grandpa used to … - that always made me laugh. or “It makes me sad that Grandpa wasn’t here today, because I heard this song and it reminded me of him.” Any story or thought you have is very good.

And - I am sorry for your loss.

 

[shainski]

Oh, and i thought of one thing that could be helpful. As I said, there were a number of envelopes with small amounts of money in them. That means that Grandma or your parents will be writing thank you cards to a lot of people. You might offer to help them write these - or address envelopes - or just keep track of all the people you do have to contact - and find addresses. (I kept an excel spreadsheet of all that information, so we could just check off what still needed to be done and when it was done)