What do I say to my mom?

[daughterofmary]

JMJ

After twenty years of marriage my father has been “caught” doing cocain, drinking, and probably cheating on my mom. He has always struggled with these temptations, and especially when he was younger became caught up in this. It has always remained in the marraige and he has struggled with becoming addicted to many types of different pills throughout too. Off and on… well, at least I would like to think it was off at those times it seemed to be. My mom is so tired. She usually really flips out and leaves him, throws things, etc. which in the end brings him back and things seem right again for a while. Now though… it is all three at once and the cheating thing. She doesn’t know what to do. There love for one another is distorted. They do not get along (because they have hurt each other so much) but they* really *would both fall apart if they were without each other (probably my dad more so).

My mom has no one to turn too. She tells me a lot of what goes on. I pull it out of her. I probably listen in more then I should too. I am also the oldest and better understand everything they have been through and what they are really going through now. I usually tell my mom the same old things: trust in God, it is a cross, Jesus and you can carry it, etc. She has been hurt so much and she often asks me when she really breaks down: how can Jesus want me to carry this? Doesn’t he want me to be happy? For me to keep telling her this… it seems cruel. I do not know what to say. I do not know what to do. What do I say to my mom? I love them both so much. My mom has never worked. My father has always provided for us (sometimes forced to work by my mother) and we have lived comfortably. For her to leave… well, a lot of things would change for everyone. She has often told me she wants a different husband… I know, I know… probably not the thing to tell you daughter but you have to understand… she is hurt. I am hurting because she is hurting. I am hurting because obviously if my father is doing drugs he is hurting (and probably killing himself).

What do I tell my mom? She looks to me. I figure some of you are moms. What would you want to be told… besides, “I love you” ?

Please pray for us.

 

[blossom02]

I wish I had the words for you. I will pray for your family. I think the words you have “I love you” can’t be beat. Be strong and hold on to Our Lord.

 

[Katie1723]

No child, no matter the age, should EVER be put in the middle…ever. What is between your parents is between them…period. All you need to say is I Love You.

Kathy

 

[JRKH]

In all honesty I think you are doing the best thing for her that you can right now.
Listen to her!! Make sure she can call you anytime of the day or night. Really let her lean on you.

I would also advise talking to your priest or deacon about the situation. They may have some advise, or resources, or insights you or your mother hadn’t thought of.

God be with you.

James

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Katie, in an optimal world, you are right. The OP’s world is not optimal. The father is dragging substance abuse and other people (girlfriends and dealers) into his family’s orbit. To tell a young adult that is none of their business is ignoring one true fact: What affects one in a family affects all. And children always know when something is wrong. When adults pretend nothing is wrong and won’t discuss it, it makes a child doubt their instincts, which can be very harmful in the long run.

I’ve seen families where NOTHING was ever told to the kids. They thought everything was fine. Till one fine day they were uprooted and had to start all over. That really plays with your head. It’s an emotional tornado and to tell kids it’s only between parents is a lie. Whatever happens for good or bad between parents falls onto the kids.

In this case, you have a woman who is torn… her marriage is hellish. She’s exhibited way more patience than most women, at obvious great personal cost. She doesn’t want to ruin her children’s lives. She’s discussing it with her daughter… maybe as a warning… daughters unwittingly marry men who are a lot like their fathers unless they are alerted to patterns. The daughter has had to grow up way too early. She is her mom’s confidant. This is good and it is harmful at the same time. Good because she’s obviously grown up as a compassionate and careful woman who is sensitive to the pain of others around her. But this sensitivity is coming at great personal cost to her. At a time when she needs to be becoming independent from her parents, she is staying co-dependent. Pretending daddy isn’t misbehaving badly does NO ONE any favors.

When it gets so bad in a marriage that private issues are being discussed openly, then it is past the emergency stage. I would lovingly advise the OP to please take your mom to counselling. You, so you can discuss your childhood with a neutral person and resolve those issues before you attempt a marriage with a man who is either just like your father or the polar opposite in every negative way possible.

I would suggest that your mother doesn’t need to leave your father just yet. But NOW is the time for her to start building her future without him. Re-enter the work force. Learn a skill, become financially independent so that the day your father OD’s or gets in a drunk driving accident leaving your mother a widow, she will not be totally helpless.

It is not a choice of stay or leave. It is a choice of becoming stronger so that when life happens, it will not crush her. God does not intend for her to be miserable. He has given her skills and opportunities to help herself. While she has time and her husband is still providing for her, she needs to make some changes herself. Just the very act of taking her own future into her hands and not being totally dependent on the irresponsibility of her husband may help.

And she may find that there are worse things than being alone. And maybe a new husband isn’t the answer. That is very far down the road. She needs to recover from the husband she has now before she ever thinks of another one.

And she needs to set an example for her daughter, that one doesn’t need to exist as a doormat and live like that for two decades out of fear.

Good luck.

 

[Nordar]

Katie, in an optimal world, you are right. The OP’s world is not optimal. The father is dragging substance abuse and other people (girlfriends and dealers) into his family’s orbit. To tell a young adult that is none of their business is ignoring one true fact: What affects one in a family affects all. And children always know when something is wrong. When adults pretend nothing is wrong and won’t discuss it, it makes a child doubt their instincts, which can be very harmful in the long run.

I’ve seen families where NOTHING was ever told to the kids. They thought everything was fine. Till one fine day they were uprooted and had to start all over. That really plays with your head. It’s an emotional tornado and to tell kids it’s only between parents is a lie. Whatever happens for good or bad between parents falls onto the kids.

In this case, you have a woman who is torn… her marriage is hellish. She’s exhibited way more patience than most women, at obvious great personal cost. She doesn’t want to ruin her children’s lives. She’s discussing it with her daughter… maybe as a warning… daughters unwittingly marry men who are a lot like their fathers unless they are alerted to patterns. The daughter has had to grow up way too early. She is her mom’s confidant. This is good and it is harmful at the same time. Good because she’s obviously grown up as a compassionate and careful woman who is sensitive to the pain of others around her. But this sensitivity is coming at great personal cost to her. At a time when she needs to be becoming independent from her parents, she is staying co-dependent. Pretending daddy isn’t misbehaving badly does NO ONE any favors.

When it gets so bad in a marriage that private issues are being discussed openly, then it is past the emergency stage. I would lovingly advise the OP to please take your mom to counselling. You, so you can discuss your childhood with a neutral person and resolve those issues before you attempt a marriage with a man who is either just like your father or the polar opposite in every negative way possible.

I would suggest that your mother doesn’t need to leave your father just yet. But NOW is the time for her to start building her future without him. Re-enter the work force. Learn a skill, become financially independent so that the day your father OD’s or gets in a drunk driving accident leaving your mother a widow, she will not be totally helpless.

It is not a choice of stay or leave. It is a choice of becoming stronger so that when life happens, it will not crush her. God does not intend for her to be miserable. He has given her skills and opportunities to help herself. While she has time and her husband is still providing for her, she needs to make some changes herself. Just the very act of taking her own future into her hands and not being totally dependent on the irresponsibility of her husband may help.

And she may find that there are worse things than being alone. And maybe a new husband isn’t the answer. That is very far down the road. She needs to recover from the husband she has now before she ever thinks of another one.

And she needs to set an example for her daughter, that one doesn’t need to exist as a doormat and live like that for two decades out of fear.

Good luck.

Excellent post!

 

[daughterofmary]

Thank you… all of you. You have been very helpful, understanding, and kind. I talked to my mom about what you said. She agrees. She may start taking classes or something. Thank you for replying. God bless you.

 

[Mirdath]

:bible1:

Spot on. This is excellent advice, but Nepenthe and I have one important little detail to add:

Tell your mother to get her own private bank accounts, both savings and checking, and get credit/debit cards in her name only. If your parents keep their money in a joint account, she could wake up one morning to find herself penniless and her husband missing – whether he blew it all on blow, or took it out to run off with a girlfriend. She can’t afford to risk that.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

DaughterofMary. I suggest that you and your mother get in touch with ALANON, a group associated with AA but for family members of addicts. They can help you understand how addiction affects the rest of the family, and how the family affects the addict for good or ill.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I disagree respectfully here. The daughter is old enough to recognize the problem. She has admitted she even goes looking for information. That is why I suggested she take her mother to counselling. They need to have a trained adult to help them unravel this. The daughter is important here. Because the mother may not have told anyone else what is going on. She may not think anyone who does not witness it would believe her. So her daughter is her lifeline to contact with someone else. The OP can help her mother get into contact with those who can help her.

Eventually, the daughter can let go and disentangle herself from the details. But she has already suffered from them. At least she can give them a name and a description. Not some amorphous “problem” that ruined her family life but no one ever told her what it was…

I think if the OP were to shut down on her mother right now, she would make the mother feel more isolated and depressed, and this would cause a sensitive young woman to feel very guilty. This young lady has asked us for advice on a very sad subject. She’s virtually lost one parent. She is worried about another. Slamming her mother for talking to her and telling her how inappropriate their conversations are is NOT helpful to this young woman. Her life is inappropriate. But that is the hand she’s dealt. So trying to go backwards now is not advice that is going to ring true with her.

Al Anon is a FANTASTIC suggestion. Going together would help. Family counselling with a free church/charity would also help if money were the problem. Maybe for an adult to take on the role of confidant would help the mother to stop sharing details with the daughter and the daughter wouldn’t feel rejected that all of a sudden she is not being talked to.

If you haven’t been in a situation where the good providing husband looks one way to the world and very different to the people who have to live with him, you might not understand the woman’s sense of isolation.

The OP wants to help her mother. And she needs to be able to see her mother make a life for herself so that when it is time for her to go off on her own, she will do so without feeling guilty, like she is leaving her mother alone. There is an emotional entanglement and co-dependency situation here that happens in homes of alcoholics that has to be gently untangled so that more damage isn’t done in the process. Everyone here feels abandoned and betrayed somehow. Adding more of that to the process will not help.

I don’t see her giving marital advice as much as “life” advice. Obviously this OP is older than her years and her mom has forgotten she is not as mature as she gives her credit for. So she leans on her emotionally. That can make a child feel important and needed, especially when the other parent is emotionally or physically unavailable. And to yank that role away from her suddenly could be harsh. The daughter loves her mother and wants to help her. So we need to give her positive advice that will guide the mom to the groups and places that will enable her to get hold of her own life.

Al-Anon. SafePlace, if there is any physical abuse going on. A free legal clinic to address some issues that the mom needs to protect herself legally. School and classes are good. Anywhere she can get more information and change the family dynamic.

And I would suggest that the daughter be sure to join clubs at school or college and develop a healthy social life so she gets used to the idea of having a good time and not thinking about mom and whether mom is happy. Her mother wants her to be happy too. She needs to show the mother that there are other choices out there. And if her mom goes to Al-Anon she can come to a better decision about what to do about her marriage.

They can’t change the father. But they can change how they react to him and his decisions. And eventually they can get to a place where they have so much more to talk about than what he has just done again lately. But at this point, of course they talk about him all the time. His actions put everyone at risk. (I would suggest mom have an honest talk with her OB/GYN about STDs if the father is unfaithful.)

They are dependent on this man. So what he does throws them all into a state of flux. Even when he isn’t home, he controls the household because of what he might do next and the pain his actions are causing.

I hope they can all break free from that. Good luck to the OP.

 

[Nordar]

.

I am not saying you should back out of her life…not at all. Tell her you love her. Go out for coffee with her. Help her make dinner or clean or spend time with her. Talk about anything…music, friends, God, religion, books, weather, your hopes and dreams! Talk about anything **except **your father.

Again Kuddo’s to Liberanosamalo for another excellent post, I just wanted to add my :twocents: here, This is a very complicated situation and the OP’s involvement in it has gone way beyond just going out to coffee with her mother.
You cannot turn back the clock here, it would be devastating to both Mother and daughter to do that!