What do I tell my kids?

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Vulneris

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I’m facing a dilemma this Christmas. My “brother” is coming over to our house for Christmas. We’ve not seen “him” for three years now. He was very good with our kids when we saw him last. (They were 3 and 5 then, now they are 6 and 8) but that was when he was still a “he.”

You see, he underwent a sex change surgery and hormones and all that during those three years. Now he is a “she.” So, my brother now wants the kids to call him aunt and stuff…

I feel they are too young to be exposes to this kind of thing, and I’d rather introduce them to gender confusion and all that later. Also I’d feel really awkward around my new “sister” just addressing him/her as such. What should I do?

I guess one of the problems is just how our family is heavily involved with the church, and my brother is sort of a black sheep. I don’t know what to do. Can you all help me please?

God bless and keep you safe during the holidays.
 
This is a tough one. Have you considered talking to your priest about this? If it were me, I would wait until my children were older to reintroduce their “uncle” when they can possibly understand the concept of sex changes.
 
StratusRose said:
This is a tough one. Have you considered talking to your priest about this? If it were me, I would wait until my children were older to reintroduce their “uncle” when they can possibly understand the concept of sex changes.
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Not to be mean or uncharitable to your brother, but I agree with Rose…Maybe spend time with him/her (not trying to offend) on your own, but would keep him/her away from your kids as it will cause some real confusion and not sure you want to go there over the holidays.

Take Care…
 
**My opinion is that they’ll have to be kept away from him, as it could scandalise them. There’s no way to gloss over or hide his sin. **

It’s also likely that your shunning him will make him feel pretty bad. It could possibly send him over the deep end. I doubt people who do this are in their right mind.

Your kids are more important, however. He’s made his choice. He’s an adult. Your children are young and impressionable. They must not get the idea this sort of thing is acceptable; quite the opposite.

Caveat: I’m not an expert either on religion or the psychology of transsexuals.
 
I had two acquaintances of mine who changed sexes as married men with one child apiece. With our general sexual confusion today, one has to worry about what kids will be taught in schools on the subject. It may not be the message you want them to learn. So, my thinking is maybe you will have to confront this upfront.

It seems to me being respectful and forthright in a simple manner is the key. Tell your brother that you love him, of course, but are ashamed of his actions. If he were to confuse your children with his beliefs and usurp your parental authority, it would not be tolerated in your household. Above all, you do not want any discussion about any details of his operation or how he changed. If he can respect your wishes, then of course he is welcome anytime. If he would like to be called “aunt” then you will respect his wishes.

Assuming you arrive at that understanding with your brother, then simply tell your kids beforehand what to expect. Tell them that their uncle has gone to the hospital to have an operation to change from a boy to a girl. Tell them that this is very unusual but your brother does not believe as you believe as a Catholic, but no matter because all people no matter what they believe are to be respected & loved. If they asked how he changed sex, simply say that it is complicated operation and not something one talks about with children until they get a little older.

There are many things that are confusing to youngsters, but they generally take it very lightheartedly. To them, much of the nonsense in life is not a big problem early or later on, unless the definitions of right & wrong are not clear, and the fact that those who do wrong are not to be disrespected regardless.
 
I think you should be honest with your brother and simply tell him you don’t want your kids to be confused about such issues at their age, but that you and your husband will meet him for dinner at a nice restaurant during the holidays. He chose the life he wanted, and there’s nothing you can do about that but pray for him, but he has no right to impose his choice on your young children, and you have every right to protect them from such influences.
 
I wouldn’t let him around the kids. I would also tell him that I would not refer to him as a sister, aunt, or she. Let him know that when the kids get older and can understand it you will reassess your position on letting the kids see him. Kids that age are not mature enough to understand that kind of thing.
 
Della said:
I think you should be honest with your brother and simply tell him you don’t want your kids to be confused about such issues at their age, but that you and your husband will meet him for dinner at a nice restaurant during the holidays. He chose the life he wanted, and there’s nothing you can do about that but pray for him, but he has no right to impose his choice on your young children, and you have every right to protect them from such influences.
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**
I think that’s the way I am leaning as well… but it is such a complicated situation.

It sounds like he is already invited over…so how do you “uninvite” him?** Is it possible to just introduce him as aunt so-and-so without any reference that he used to be uncle so-and-so? If he would go along with that I would think that would be a fair compromise.
**
But I think if it were me and this was a sibling that I did not have a close relationship with it would be easy enough to say “not around my kid(s)”. I would be willing to meet with them without my child(ren) though.**
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**
I think that’s the way I am leaning as well… but it is such a complicated situation.

It sounds like he is already invited over…so how do you “uninvite” him?** Is it possible to just introduce him as aunt so-and-so without any reference that he used to be uncle so-and-so? If he would go along with that I would think that would be a fair compromise. Me, too!👍
**
But I think if it were me and this was a sibling that I did not have a close relationship with it would be easy enough to say “not around my kid(s)”. I would be willing to meet with them without my child(ren) though.**
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Otherwise, I agree with Della. And I am so very sorry, Vulneris, that you have to go through this.
 
My kids had figured out my brother was gay before I did. DD said she came to that conclusion when she was about 8 or 9. That means that in spite of the fact that we didn’t discuss homosexuality in their presence, my kids heard and saw more than we gave them credit for at a young age.

I’d tell my kids honestly what Uncle has done, explain that we as Catholics don’t think that’s right but that other people don’t think as we do and we have to respect their beliefs and respect them. Part of that respect is to call ‘Uncle’ whatever he wants to be called and if that means Uncle Phil wants to be called Aunt Philomena that’s what we are going to call her.
 
Phemie said:
My kids had figured out my brother was gay before I did. DD said she came to that conclusion when she was about 8 or 9. That means that in spite of the fact that we didn’t discuss homosexuality in their presence, my kids heard and saw more than we gave them credit for at a young age.

I’d tell my kids honestly what Uncle has done, explain that we as Catholics don’t think that’s right but that other people don’t think as we do and we have to respect their beliefs and respect them. Part of that respect is to call ‘Uncle’ whatever he wants to be called and if that means Uncle Phil wants to be called Aunt Philomena that’s what we are going to call her.
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I’m with you here. Your kids are going to meet people who make mistakes, and how YOU respond to and treat those people will teach your children a lesson.

What lesson? The lesson that when they make a mistake, and most kids will make mistakes - how you are going to react. Parents also teach children how God reacts to sin - parents who love and forgive and let kids see that will find it far easier to teach those kids that God loves and forgives.
 
Phemie said:
I’d tell my kids honestly what Uncle has done, explain that we as Catholics don’t think that’s right but that other people don’t think as we do and we have to respect their beliefs and respect them. Part of that respect is to call ‘Uncle’ whatever he wants to be called and if that means Uncle Phil wants to be called Aunt Philomena that’s what we are going to call her.
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I think this is good advice.

We tell our kids that it is all about choices that people make.

We can make good choices with our bodies or bad choices. The same goes for every aspect of our lives.

You can gently explain that your brother has made some bad choices that have lasting consequences. But, he is still a child of God; and while we don’t agree with him, he is still deserving of the love that God gives to each one of us.

Jesus doesn’t teach us to call names or ridicule. But, it would be important that his behavior isn’t condoned or considered acceptable.

Kind of like: Love the sinner, hate the sin.

Just my :twocents:
 
Why don’t you just introduce you kids to your new “sister” as if they have never met her before. Kids that age don’t have the ability to reason like adults do and I bet they wouldn’t know that she/he was/is your brother they met a few years ago. THey probably don’t even remember your “brother”.
 
If I were in your shoes my first instinct would be to want to spend time alone with my sibling before bringing him/her into the intimacy of a young family Christmas setting. Is it possible for you to do this before Christmas? You need to feel more at ease with the situation before strickening yourself and young family on a day that lends itself to stress.
 
Beautiful said:
If I were in your shoes my first instinct would be to want to spend time alone with my sibling before bringing him/her into the intimacy of a young family Christmas setting. Is it possible for you to do this before Christmas? You need to feel more at ease with the situation before strickening yourself and young family on a day that lends itself to stress.
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I think I’ll try that, actually. Thanks. I think you guys are right, I can just deceive the kids now and tell them the truth when they’re older.

I don’t know whether or not to condone his actions. I mean, the weirdest thing, is that he isn’t gay. He was celibate before and after the operation. Asexual or by choice, I have no idea.
 
My ex sister-in-law (my ex’s sister) is married to her lesbian partner and they have had a child through artificial insemination. My kids started asking about their situation before they were ten. I had to be honest because you can’t hide that sort of thing in our society here in Canada. I also told them that as part of our Catholic beliefs, God didn’t intend that we live our lives that way, but that their lesbian aunts are not Catholic and have different beliefs and ways of life, and that there are all sorts of people who think differently and live differently in this part of the world.
 
Vulneris said:
I think I’ll try that, actually. Thanks. I think you guys are right, I can just deceive the kids now and tell them the truth when they’re older.
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I’ll pray that your time alone with your sibling is a loving time and that you come to some understanding and peace about the situation before Christmas.

I’m not sure that ‘deceive the kids’ is as correct as ‘protect the kids’. You are making a genuine effort to bridge with your sibling while trying to protect the safety and sanctity of your home life. I’m sure your efforts will be rewarded in the long run. God always knows when we want to try loving. Every thought and effort to love is understood by Him who is All Love.
 
Remember that spending time with your sibling does not condone his actions. You are being a loveing Christian sister. I would meet with him first and see where he stands…is he going to be loud and proud or respectful of your wishes.
God bless you anyway. On some level I think its great he is comeing back to his family…who knows what God has planned for him??? Show him the love of Christ. You might be the only Bible your brother reads (By your actions).
 
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