What do you do in this situation?

[dulcissima]

According to his profile, he is a network manager. Sounds like he has a job.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Welll, my take is this.
I am so sick to death of women telling men that they have to pitch in at home. (I’m an at-home, homeschooling, mother of 6, almost 7) When was the last time she helped you in the office?
I don’t know how many children you have, but your wife needs to employ some better organizational skills if she cannot handle what she’s supposed to do.
Scrapbooking is a great hobby if there is time, but it is NOT her vocation. If her ability to take care of her children and home is compromised by the amount of time she is scrapbooking, she has to give it up. My husband forced me to give up volunteer work because I couldn’t handle that and home, and guess what? He was right!
We should gratefully accept any hand our husbands wish to give us, but it is not a demand that we can place on them.
Now, I know that office work is 9-5 or so, and mothering is 24/7, but we do not have a boss breathing down our necks, deadlines, etc. If you discipline your children and establish rountine, mom’s job should not be so overwhelming every day (although, we will all have bad days).
Mothers and fathers have different jobs, equally important to the family, and neither one “harder” than the other.
All that I say presumes you have a normal, household situation. Meaning, no handicapped children, that she is not working outside the home, or other external issue that creates out-of-the-ordinary difficulty.
Sometimes I do think men need to lay down the law, and women need to buck up and stop whining.

You know, I did lay down the law, but I did not tell her to “be a woman” I said to her that I will do whatever I can to make things easier, but I told her that if she insists on working, she should either seek ways to cope with the stress, or if she refuses, make running the home the way she likes it her full time job. That didn’t go over well. She took it the same way I took “be a man”.

I wouldn’t bring up the craft room though. She does give me the time to sing in the choir, which means she sits with two children in Church almost every week with my mother. And as far as my messiness, I am looking at her mess in our living room as I type and the craft room that I built for her is a mess as well.

So, I guess I have a higher tolerance for chaos and ambiguity that she does. And yes, she does whine. Luckily enough we can laugh when I ask her if she would like some cheese with her whine.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Do excuse me if I’m out of line, I know this is a terribly sensitive subject.

The first impression I have of this post is just that it makes me so sad. Here are two spouses at the end of their rope over things as simple as housework. It seems like there is still so much good will here, so much potential for success. I mean, your marriage sounds better than most of the marriages I’ve ever seen in person, if that’s any consolation.

I wish I could offer something more helpful. I will say that I think your complaints seem legitimate. I’m assuming that you have told her (in a gentle, non-confrontational manner) how much it would mean to you to see signs of appreciation and respect, and how much you need her help as you move through this particular time in your life.

There has to be a way for you both to stop tallying and criticizing the nice things you do for each other, so you can enjoy giving.

eta: In answer to your original question, no, I do not think that’s the right attitude with which to approach this. More prayer, more grace, more effort, more reliance on Christ to do the work for you.

I am not at the end of my rope over housework. I know that I don’t do as much housework as she does. I am at the end of my rope over the fact that she does not recognize what I bring to the table.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Perhaps you and your wife could check out Retrouvaille. Here’s a link. retrouvaille.org/

I looked at that and we are also undergoing marriage counseling. The marriage counselor is awesome and I am glad I got over my fears of not going to a Catholic marriage counselor. Him and I are very much on the same page and often says alot of Catholic things - like the fact that people are worthy based on the fact that they “are”.

 

[pprimeau1976]

I am going to agree with mariam1976 here. If you had any idea how hard it is to go through a divorce, you would be thankful for the marriage that you have, and would work harder on it. It sounds like your wife is really in tune with her own needs and really effective at communicating them to you. Maybe you need to work on doing the same, because your needs are as important as hers. Hopefully you have found a good marriage counselor who will recognize your needs as well. Just keep trying.

The more I pray and reflect on it, the more I see that divorce is not an option. Do I have moments of despair? Yes, but in those times I pray to St. Thomas More whose wife was a little challenging at times.

I am just dying to be able to say: WOMAN - MIND YOUR HOUSE I am smart enough not to do that…yet.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Does your wife understand ADD and the associated issues with it? Would she be willing to read a book about it? Educating myself about ADD was the best thing I did in order to understand and support my husband.

Thank You and GOD BLESS YOU. You know exactly what my wife goes through. I have been classified as A.D.D. inattentive, not hyperactive.

I tell her that she needs to learn more about it, but I don’t think she takes me seriously. I often have been accused as using ADD as a crutch, but I don’t see how someone who actively seeks help uses their disability as a crutch. She sees my desire for her to be a little bit more patient as using my ADD as a crutch. As far as educating herself, I bought “Out Of The Fog” a few months back. She hasn’t read it yet.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Women who hold down fulltime jobs are NOT spoiled. They are usually exhausted and frustrated that they don’t have time to do household chores while their husbands watch sports on TV.

I only watch sports when the home team is in the playoffs, and that is not even all the time. I don’t even know how the Red Wings are doing. My wife watches more TV than I do. I prefer to read.

The only thing I probably do too much of is go online. But It is not a constant thing.

Oh another thing, I don’t go out to the bar with my friends everynight like some other men. It’s a custom a work for the guys to hide from their families at the bar. That ain’t my bag.

And, I actually watch my wife’s soap operas with her and cope with it by turning it into my own “Mystery Science Theatre 3000”. For example, I will joke that a certain character should be made a Super God because they have died and resurrected twice.

 

[pprimeau1976]

I also failed miserably at running the home the way my efficient German hubby would have liked.

I forgot to mention that she’s German…and Maltese. But she has no mediterranean features whatsoever and her eyes are a BEAUTIFUL blue.

I am Polish and French and so you could imagine that we can laughingly joke about our nationalities especially when we bring WWII into it. Our home is not a forced labor camp though.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I am not at the end of my rope over housework. I know that I don’t do as much housework as she does. I am at the end of my rope over the fact that she does not recognize what I bring to the table.

I must apologize. It wasn’t my intention to make light of any one of your concerns, but rather to stress that I truly believe this is a marriage worth saving. I’m glad you seem to think so as well.

 

[JLSacred]

I only watch sports when the home team is in the playoffs, and that is not even all the time. I don’t even know how the Red Wings are doing. My wife watches more TV than I do. I prefer to read.

The only thing I probably do too much of is go online. But It is not a constant thing.

Oh another thing, I don’t go out to the bar with my friends everynight like some other men. It’s a custom a work for the guys to hide from their families at the bar. That ain’t my bag.

And, I actually watch my wife’s soap operas with her and cope with it by turning it into my own “Mystery Science Theatre 3000”. For example, I will joke that a certain character should be made a Super God because they have died and resurrected twice.

We love that show!!!

Frankly, from your description, it sounds like you are okay. I was just responding to another poster who was trashing whiney women. Hopefully your wife will go to counseling. Like I said, I’m a neat freak and would be totally irritated by any mess. She needs to take responsiblity for her neat freakiness. I stay at home and indulge in my obsession with keeping the house neat. My husband works outside the home and comes home to a nice neat house. If I had to work outside the home, I would need to hire help.

 

[exiled]

You know, I did lay down the law, but I did not tell her to “be a woman” I said to her that I will do whatever I can to make things easier, but I told her that if she insists on working, she should either seek ways to cope with the stress, or if she refuses, make running the home the way she likes it her full time job. That didn’t go over well. She took it the same way I took “be a man”.

I wouldn’t bring up the craft room though. She does give me the time to sing in the choir, which means she sits with two children in Church almost every week with my mother. And as far as my messiness, I am looking at her mess in our living room as I type and the craft room that I built for her is a mess as well.

So, I guess I have a higher tolerance for chaos and ambiguity that she does. And yes, she does whine. Luckily enough we can laugh when I ask her if she would like some cheese with her whine.

So her working is not necessary?
I think you did well with your “laying down the law”, but if she refuses you are left with your Catholicism to help you through.
By that I mean, this will be your cross and you will have to carry it, and by the grace of God, one day you may find it a good thing.
(not the fighting, but the differences between you)
My name, exiled, is a reminder that this live is our “exile” (per the Memorare), and it is meant to be difficult, a challenge, if you will. When we see life this way, all of a sudden we can see that God is so wonderful that he has given us a darn nice exile!
Let me give you my own example.
When my children were young I was the only discipliniarian in the house. My husband simply said yes to anything and everything and it was a real problem for me and our marriage. I tried and tried to get him to see how destructive it was for me to say “black” and him to say, “white”. This would be about such things as TV time, sweets, buying little toys at the store, etc. Never about Mass or faith formation.
Anyway, as the years have gone on I learned just to redouble my own efforts day after day. No TV or sweets while I am home alone with them. Plenty of fruits and veggies, etc. I am a single parent with respect to discipline. However, it will be because of my husband that my children hold dear to our family, and ultimately our faith, when they grow. Every joy in their lives is because of his leading in fun. As he likes to say (in fun). “Exiled, you suck all the joy out of their lives”. The fact is, it would be true left to myself and they would resent their lives when they grew.
My point is, someday, through prayer, you may see how you are a match that God has put together, and your wife may see how you provide balance to each other.
Grace and prayer will make your marriage better and stronger. By His grace, seeing what is good and not focusing on the bad, which is what Satan wants.
Prayers are with you from CAF.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Prayers are with me from CAF, which is why I talk about it here.

I hesitate to say that I am having a conversion experience, because everytime I think I do, I let my guard down, and I fall mortally. Then, my mind plays tricks on me. My thought process typically would have been:

You’re not really sinning, it’s a bad habit, it’s okay if it’s a bad habit.

What does it matter if you use NFP or ABC, it achieves the same end!!!

You regret the fact that you’ve sinned, you don’t NEED to go to confession now, just go AFTER you recieve communion!

However, I started putting my foot down on January 31st. On March 19 (Feast of St. Joseph), I started losing sleep not over my marriage, but over theological loopholes in Catholicism that my pastor - who teaches at Sacred Heart Seminary - couldn’t even answer. On March 21 (first day of spring), I started to propose answers to some of those questions, and took a day off of work just to go to confession - at St. Bonaventures - where the remains of Solanus Casey are. And who do I see there? A stranger who asks me - you go to St. Cyprian’s don’t you?

Finally, on Easter Vigil, my pastor gave the best Homily in the world that topped his Good Friday homily that explained why the Church should put Christ back on the Cross. (My Church is liberal, but we finally have a pastor who cares about the GIRM) It was about how you feel drained, and warn out, and that you think you can’t take it anymore. I didn’t know if God was saying to me, hang in there, it will get better - or - you gave it your best, she won’t budge, you will be okay, and so will your kids. After Easter Vigil at about 12:00 in he morning, we had a tense conversation, all the while I focused on the conversation while praying that my head would be calm. I was at a moment of despair when I asked God for just one sign of why I wanted to be with this woman. I was in a foul mood and then the following dialogue occured:

“What is that SMELL?” I asked her.
“It’s ME, I’m SORRY, I’ve been like this all day!”

Then I started cracking up! What better sign to give to a jokester like me than to turn my wife into a whoopee cushion!

I know to some this sounds crazy and silly, but ever since this has happened, I have been AFRAID of screwing up because I actually for the first time am EAGER to do things right, and don’t see my faith as burdensome.

Cooler heads are prevailing right now on the homefront though. The Holy Family is pulling through. I will keep everybody updated when big news occurs!

 

[mariam1976]

The Holy Family is pulling through. I will keep everybody updated when big news occurs!

this is great!!!:dancing: :extrahappy: