What do you do when hubby doesn't want intimacy?

[anna1978]

Call me old, but, I see a considerable distance between relations every three days and completely not wanting to

Call me old too, I think 10 x a month is ‘regularly’, infact…I think apart from when we were actively trying to get pregnant with dd2, we’ve never gotten to that amount. I’d say QUALITY not quantity is what matters! And once the baby is born, and needs you 24/7 and your body is healing…trust me…the frequency will, in all likelyhood, go down even further!

Anna x

 

[foxc1]

OK, I’m a guy. I think the only one here so far.

There could be one of several issues here. First a question. You mentioned right at the begining of your post that this has been happening for the “last few days”. Is that it? Just a few days of this behavior? If so, skip the rest of this post and just give him some time. A few days does not a trend make.

Medical.
A simple annual physical should clear that up. If your husband is going to be a new daddy that’s a perfect reason for the physical.

Psychological.
That’s where my money is. I’m assuming this is your first child? Is it safe to say that prior to the pregnancy everything was fine? Some men get very strange about being with their wife when she is pregnant. Have him go to your next OB/GYN visit and bring up sex with the doctor. Let him hear it from a pro.

Good luck.

Yay! A guy posting! It’s been going on for the last week or so, but it’s happened at least 3 timesseveral times during last few months. I posted once before about this but as a different topic.

He might be tired, worried, or sick? It won’t kill me to try and give him time. If that doesn’t work, then the doc is next?

 

[iamrefreshed]

Yay! A guy posting! It’s been going on for the last week or so, but it’s happened at least 3 timesseveral times during last few months. I posted once before about this but as a different topic.

He might be tired, worried, or sick? It won’t kill me to try and give him time. If that doesn’t work, then the doc is next?

Did it start after the pregnancy?

 

[foxc1]

Call me old too, I think 10 x a month is ‘regularly’, infact…I think apart from when we were actively trying to get pregnant with dd2, we’ve never gotten to that amount. I’d say QUALITY not quantity is what matters! And once the baby is born, and needs you 24/7 and your body is healing…trust me…the frequency will, in all likelyhood, go down even further!

Anna x

I don’t really care about how many times we do it, I care about the fact that he refused. Quality has been absent, not quantity. We used to do it more often but that’s because he wanted it all the time. Since it’s changed it’s throws me a bit,but what really worries me is that he thinks we go to bed too late (which is at 10pm) and wakes up too early (which is at 6:30am). He used to get less sleep than that before we married and suddenly he needs more than 8 hrs. I guess it’s ok to want to sleep more, but why can’t it happen with quality instead of complaining and telling me I’m acting like a victim since I cried for feeling rejected?

 

[foxc1]

Did it start after the pregnancy?

Right around

 

[foxc1]

Yikes, I just can’t say anything right on this thread. She said that he cannot finish and that he is getting hostile and starting arguments when she brings up wanting to be intimate with him. That seems to say to me that he doesn’t want to. Even if they are TRYING every three days.

Never mind…

the things you have said have been helpful

 

[kage_ar]

I’d have to say that crying because you feel rejected - pg hormones? Remember, your marriage is more than your sexual relationship.

Maybe a copy of Matthew Kelly’s “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” (good Catholic author) and a copy of “The 5 Love Languages” would be some good reading for you two this week.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Right around

I’d suggest taking him with you on your next OB/GYN appointment. You bring up sex with the doctor.

I suspect he is just concerned about your being pregnant and also putting undue pressure on himself to perform.

Don’t let that get in between the two of you at this wonderful time in your lives.

Go out to dinner. Put on a pretty outfit. Flirt with him. Forget about the baby for a night!

 

[cathgal]

13 wks not bad.

Have you ever really sit down with him and discuss the situation?

Communication is very important in a marriage. Talk to him and tell him to be honest of whatever is bothering him. Nothing can be resolved without honesty.

Maybe his problem has something to do w/ the pregnancy. If he’s not willing to discuss it, then you may have to wait a couple of months after the birth of the baby and see if the problem still exists. You might have an idea what bothers or not bothers him then.

 

[teme]

Sorry to hear about your issues, I’ll definitely be praying for you.

As another man, I have a few thoughts. Having a child can be very stressful for a man, as it is for a woman as well. My wife and I are expecting #4, and I’m still at times overwhelmed with the gravity of my responsibility. I’m no expert of psychologist, but the symptoms you are describing sound very similar to depression. Increase in a desire to sleep, defensiveness and lack of interest or pleasure sound like symptoms of depression. Depression tends to manifest itself as anxiety or anger in men, different from the general sadness expected.

The topic of marital relations is clearly a touchy issue, so I’d recommend trying to not mention it as the primary item. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation asking if he’s having trouble sleeping. (I’m sleeping horribly because my wife is so uncomfortable and moving all night). Let him know that you see how tired he is, and that he’s sleeping more than he did before.

Men can feel very left out, especially on baby #1 (although still on 2,3,4…). Think about how often he probably hears people ask you “How are you feeling”, or have folks at work ask him about you - and how many times do you think folks ask him how he’s doing. If you start a conversation about his general health, and show him that you are truly interested in how he’s feeling, you may find your answer to a stronger relationship, and the level of physical and emotional intimacy you are craving.

On a related note, in times when marital relations were not as frequent as I would like, my wife shared something very enlightening to me. She spends all day taking care of the kids, house, laundry, etc, and when she’s not in the mood, sex is another thing to do, rather than enjoy. In my case, most of my pleasure is in her climax, rather than my own physical enjoyment, and that insight was very helpful to me .Does he know why you desire more sex with him (I’m assuming there’s more than physical pleasure involved in your reasoning)?

Good luck!

 

[PaulinVA]

Using a Boston Irish accent, like a cop from the movies:

“All right, everyone step back, give the man some air. Move along, there’s nothing here to see”

Performance is so psychological. When you are in a cycle of, uhm, failure, more trying just makes it worse and worse. With NFP, at least you get a break to regroup if you need it, to break the cycle and no one’s feelings are hurt.

When you are pregnant, it’s a constant tension, if you’re worried about those things. There’s no safe night - you never know if you might have to perform.

I’m saying this sorta tongue in cheek, but, really, out of love for your husband, give it a break. Let things settle down. If you are going to be married for 50 years, that’s over 18,000 nights. Give some to your husband as a gift to not have to worry about performance. Maybe a week or two. You’ll survive.

 

[foxc1]

Sorry to hear about your issues, I’ll definitely be praying for you.

As another man, I have a few thoughts. Having a child can be very stressful for a man, as it is for a woman as well. My wife and I are expecting #4, and I’m still at times overwhelmed with the gravity of my responsibility. I’m no expert of psychologist, but the symptoms you are describing sound very similar to depression. Increase in a desire to sleep, defensiveness and lack of interest or pleasure sound like symptoms of depression. Depression tends to manifest itself as anxiety or anger in men, different from the general sadness expected.

The topic of marital relations is clearly a touchy issue, so I’d recommend trying to not mention it as the primary item. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation asking if he’s having trouble sleeping. (I’m sleeping horribly because my wife is so uncomfortable and moving all night). Let him know that you see how tired he is, and that he’s sleeping more than he did before.

Men can feel very left out, especially on baby #1 (although still on 2,3,4…). Think about how often he probably hears people ask you “How are you feeling”, or have folks at work ask him about you - and how many times do you think folks ask him how he’s doing. If you start a conversation about his general health, and show him that you are truly interested in how he’s feeling, you may find your answer to a stronger relationship, and the level of physical and emotional intimacy you are craving.

On a related note, in times when marital relations were not as frequent as I would like, my wife shared something very enlightening to me. She spends all day taking care of the kids, house, laundry, etc, and when she’s not in the mood, sex is another thing to do, rather than enjoy. In my case, most of my pleasure is in her climax, rather than my own physical enjoyment, and that insight was very helpful to me .Does he know why you desire more sex with him (I’m assuming there’s more than physical pleasure involved in your reasoning)?

Good luck!

Great post, thank you! I never thought a married man would have such a hard time with a baby on the way. It is a huge lifestyle change, so that does seem reasonable.

The fact that you mention that

most of my pleasure is in her climax

is the same with me. I don’t climax during intercourse and he usually doesn’t do anything for me to climax before or after, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I love it that he climaxes. For me it’s about the unitive part of sex, it’s more psychological than physical for me.

Depression crossed my mind once but discarded it, I don’t know why. It seems lke it is depression, now that you mentioned it. I’m not physician, so I cannot diagnose, but it would make more sense than the other reasons.

Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It actually opened up my eyes a bit more.

 

[foxc1]

To answer some of the other posts in one:

it could be the pg hormones that makes me more sensitive/touchy. I think we have to sit down and talk about what’s bothering him. It could be that the responsibility of another human being could cause this to him, I sure am scare to mess a child’s life, they don’t really come with instructions.

I hope he’s not depressed though. Depression is an ugly disorder. I was depressed in high school and I felt so lonely. I had many many friends but I couldn’t get myself out ouf the depression.

 

[Nechasin]

As another guy, I would have to bet on the pregnancy issues. Either the stress of becoming a dad or the thought of hurting the baby. It is easy to say yeah I won’t hurt the baby, but is that really what he is feeling.

It also could be couvades. It does exist, but before my dw’s last pregnancy, I don’t think I would have believed it. I had it bad. I would suggest taking him to the OB with you. Also, get some books to read. What to expect while expecting was a big help for me.

 

[sixeyes]

Could be a bunch of things-- could be pregnancy, could be performance anxiety…

But I suggest you consider depression. The fact that his sleep patterns seem to have changed, he takes 3 hr “naps” in the evening, he complains of being tired all the time… depression in men doesn’t always have the “classic” symptoms of crying, sadness, etc. In men, it often manifests with anger, distance, withdrawal, physical symptoms (headache, stomachache, and, yes, ED). Maybe the pregnancy has something to do with the depression, maybe it doesn’t; but it’s worth thinking about. Does he seem to enjoy other activities that he used to? How is his affect otherwise?

A good doc should do at least a cursory depression screening during a physical exam, but they don’t always.

 

[LISA_Annette]

A marriage is about ebbs and flows -

People do get older, they get stressed from jobs - and sometimes, they really just want to sleep.

Every three days - lordy, to be young again

yep. so true.

 

[LISA_Annette]

:crying:

What am I supposed to do? How do I react to this? Is it normal? We’ve only been married 2 yrs. The first yr, he wanted me every day, last night he said “what? you want it every day???” We are only intimate about 10 times in an entire month… am I asking for too much? Do men lose sexual apetite and desire for their wives this early in the marriage?

You just need to talk to him about it. I don’t know how things went for you guys before the pregnancy, but you need to talk to him in a way that doesn’t get him defensive—men are that way; mine is.

is this your first pregnacy? Just be patient—it is new to him. He is having to adjust to his perceptions of you and him now, likely. Rmember this also : you are married now, and things just are not going to stay “the same” in any way.

 

[foxc1]

Could be a bunch of things-- could be pregnancy, could be performance anxiety…

But I suggest you consider depression. The fact that his sleep patterns seem to have changed, he takes 3 hr “naps” in the evening, he complains of being tired all the time… depression in men doesn’t always have the “classic” symptoms of crying, sadness, etc. In men, it often manifests with anger, distance, withdrawal, physical symptoms (headache, stomachache, and, yes, ED). Maybe the pregnancy has something to do with the depression, maybe it doesn’t; but it’s worth thinking about. Does he seem to enjoy other activities that he used to? How is his affect otherwise?

A good doc should do at least a cursory depression screening during a physical exam, but they don’t always.

How can one suggest depression to a spouse? It seems that he enjoys everything he does. He has hobbies, he plays sports 2-3 times a wk, he goes out with friends a few times a month, he loves working… I only see the change at home, unless he’s putting a mask on to pretend he is enjoying things, perhaps he’s just tired. I don’t know.

 

[JFonseka]

Stress and too tired doesn’t affect horniness, simply put. It may be because he isn’t turned on by pregnant woman, not trying to condescend, but just consider it.

 

[foxc1]

Stress and too tired doesn’t affect horniness, simply put. It may be because he isn’t turned on by pregnant woman, not trying to condescend, but just consider it.

I don’t even look pregnant!! I don’t show yet. I haven’t even gained much weight, I weigh 128 lbs and I’m 5’6’’. My mom was 6 months pregnant and didn’t even look it.

I know stress, depression and fatigue do affect the libido, ask any psychologist/physician. If I’m tired, I want to rest and not have sex, but I do it for hubby if he really really wants it.