What do you do when there is a civil wedding for a Catholic couple?

[PazzoGrande]

What do you do when a Catholic couple you know has a civil wedding?

On the one hand, if you go, it is as if you are participating in what is essentially cohabitation.

On the other hand, if you do not go, it is as if you are being stubbornly dictatorial or that you are snubbing your friends. It would be misinterpreted easily, and it isn’t that you’re trying to send a message to them at all. If you explain why it’s so important and why you can’t attend because it isn’t a Church wedding, then you risk making the Church look like the bad guy. People in this country always think that the Church is the party pooper, and we have a responsibility to overturn that preconception. The Church smiles and gives opportunities; it doesn’t shout and take away freedoms.

I suppose you could not go to the wedding but give wedding gifts to the couple, though that still seems like it’s celebrating something that shouldn’t be celebrated.

Of course, we could try to encourage them to have a Church wedding, but generally people who don’t bother are indifferent toward it. People aren’t really taught about why church weddings are important, and since civil weddings become so dominant, everyone’s doing it so people ignore what is prudent. Often, they can’t even have church weddings because one or both of them was/were divorced.

If you watch Frasier, it reminds me of the episode where Daphne and Niles got married. Daphne’s mother demanded a church wedding. Niles’ father said that he prefers a church wedding too, but it’s their day and for them to choose, not for him.

In this case, do you call the woman as Mrs “x”? If we don’t recognise the marriage and you do that, you risk helping blur the line between a civil marriage and a real church marriage, and it’s as if you are condoning their cohabitation. Then again, when the President of France brought his wife (or whatever you wanna call her) to meet the Pope, the Pope called her Mrs Sarkozy. So if our leader does it – even though it does help blur the line and thus contributes to people ignoring the importance of sacramental weddings – why don’t we do it?

Do you go or not? Why or why not? What are other implications that come with going or not going?

 

[PattiDay]

A civil marriage makes her “Mrs. X” in law and so that’s what I would call her, unless she is a ‘modern’ bride and prefers to retain her unmarried name, which is always handy if the marriage doesn’t work out to eliminate those pesky problems of changing credit cards and driver’s license back to her unmarried name.

A Catholic couple (they’re both Catholic, right?) who are indifferent to the sacrament of marriage may do as they please, but they don’t have the right to ask their Catholic friends to suspend their religious beliefs to attend a civil wedding.

I’m sure the Church can stand up to being called the “bad guy” if you tell them you can’t attend. You can still wish them the very best and keep them in your prayers.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

What do you do when a Catholic couple you know has a civil wedding?

On the one hand, if you go, it is as if you are participating in what is essentially cohabitation.

On the other hand, if you do not go, it is as if you are being stubbornly dictatorial or that you are snubbing your friends. It would be misinterpreted easily, and it isn’t that you’re trying to send a message to them at all. If you explain why it’s so important and why you can’t attend because it isn’t a Church wedding, then you risk making the Church look like the bad guy. People in this country always think that the Church is the party pooper, and we have a responsibility to overturn that preconception. The Church smiles and gives opportunities; it doesn’t shout and take away freedoms.

I suppose you could not go to the wedding but give wedding gifts to the couple, though that still seems like it’s celebrating something that shouldn’t be celebrated.

Of course, we could try to encourage them to have a Church wedding, but generally people who don’t bother are indifferent toward it. People aren’t really taught about why church weddings are important, and since civil weddings become so dominant, everyone’s doing it so people ignore what is prudent. Often, they can’t even have church weddings because one or both of them was/were divorced.

If you watch Frasier, it reminds me of the episode where Daphne and Niles got married. Daphne’s mother demanded a church wedding. Niles’ father said that he prefers a church wedding too, but it’s their day and for them to choose, not for him.

In this case, do you call the woman as Mrs “x”? If we don’t recognise the marriage and you do that, you risk helping blur the line between a civil marriage and a real church marriage, and it’s as if you are condoning their cohabitation. Then again, when the President of France brought his wife (or whatever you wanna call her) to meet the Pope, the Pope called her Mrs Sarkozy. So if our leader does it – even though it does help blur the line and thus contributes to people ignoring the importance of sacramental weddings – why don’t we do it?

Do you go or not? Why or why not? What are other implications that come with going or not going?

Pretty complicated, no?
I would go and do what others do. In Rome, be roman.
Going or not going you will not influence the ideology of the persons. God knows what goes inside their souls…

 

[PazzoGrande]

A Catholic couple (they’re both Catholic, right?) who are indifferent to the sacrament of marriage may do as they please, but they don’t have the right to ask their Catholic friends to suspend their religious beliefs to attend a civil wedding.

I’m sure the Church can stand up to being called the “bad guy” if you tell them you can’t attend. You can still wish them the very best and keep them in your prayers.

In which case, I wonder what’s a nice way to decline the invitation while promoting the best image for the Church as possible.

“I can’t go because the Church doesn’t condone it” sounds bad for the Church. It’s as if I’m thrusting the blame on the Church, and I’d rather absorb the blame myself.

“I can’t go” sounds like “I don’t want to go” and if the couple is close to me, there isn’t an excuse in the world that I could come up with that they’d believe because they know me too well. They’d also likely plan ahead in advance, so it’s not like I could decline the invitation some months ahead and say it’s because I have the flu.

 

[Luvtosew]

I would go, they may get their marriage blessed in the future. They also may have their reasons right now for a civil marriage, who knows. They are still getting married and thats a good thing.

 

[PazzoGrande]

Pretty complicated, no?
I would go and do what others do. In Rome, be roman.
Going or not going you will not influence the ideology of the persons. God knows what goes inside their souls…

Complicated – and unfortunately all too real nowadays. I have an aunt who’s divorced. Her husband apparently was the culpable one because he cheated and wasn’t responsible; she only stuck with him for so long because they have kids. She’s open to dating again.

Thing is, in her case, she is a practising Catholic. I don’t know how to say that “you should do this because the Church says you shouldn’t.” That sounds so sanctimonious and it isn’t the smiling Church with the wide open arms that I know and love and want others to know and love too. Of course, Christ didn’t give us an institution of feeling good – it is an institution of responsibility more than anything else, and the joy in being responsible – but I just haven’t figured out how to deal with cases like this in life.

With my aunt, I wonder what I should do if she gets remarried civilly. She might ask me to help plan the reception. She did a lot for me and it would hurt us both for me to decline. And if I do, how do I say no? How can someone say no and not set the person on the track to have distaste for Catholicism?

I’ve sort of left it for the priests to lecture on ethics and morality; when I see wrong, I try to encourage what is right instead of coming down hard on the person when they do wrong (I remember reading Saint Paul of the Cross didn’t like lecturing people but tried to be positive even when he had to admonish), which is something that can turn people off to their religion. But unfortunately I don’t think priests pay enough attention to this important issue in their homilies.

Funny how recently there have been a couple articles on the Church’s stance on denying Communion to civilly-remarried people, yet when was the last time you actually heard your own parish priest talk about this? For me, never.

 

[Castello]

When faced with this twice (close friend and also with a sibling who wanted me to be in the wedding party) - I simply said “I am unable to attend”. No drama, we are mature adults who love and respect each other.

 

[PattiDay]

You said the couple is Catholic, so the fact that Catholics are not to suspend their beliefs to attend a civil ceremony will not be unknown to them. I’d tell them the truth, that you cannot set aside your beliefs.

The Church doesn’t have to be thrown under the bus as the culprit. The couple will realize that ultimately you have free will to decide whether or not to attend. But if they were to have hard feelings against the church, the church is strong enough to bear up under any acrimony. Your faithfulness may cause them to rethink their reasons for not marrying in the church.

 

[JoArtist]

If they are friends or family (none of my family is so that part doesn’t apply to me) I would express my disapproval and leave it at that. At the end of the day I would still go because it is important to them and they are important to me. I don’t want to make them feel isolated. I almost had some family not go to my wedding because it was a Catholic one. It hurt me so badly that they would even consider not going and weren’t happy for me on the most important day of my life. I would NEVER do that to someone else.

 

[PazzoGrande]

If they are friends or family (none of my family is so that part doesn’t apply to me) I would express my disapproval and leave it at that. At the end of the day I would still go because it is important to them and they are important to me. I don’t want to make them feel isolated. I almost had some family not go to my wedding because it was a Catholic one. It hurt me so badly that they would even consider not going and weren’t happy for me on the most important day of my life. I would NEVER do that to someone else.

That’s a good example of applying “do unto others.” Thanks for sharing that.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

A Catholic couple (they’re both Catholic, right?) who are indifferent to the sacrament of marriage may do as they please, but they don’t have the right to ask their Catholic friends to suspend their religious beliefs to attend a civil wedding.

I hope you wouldn’t take offense to such a wedding invitation. They do not have “the right” to ask? Well, yes, they do. If you are asked to a wedding it is because the couple loves you and wants you there to celebrate with them. Whether you feel you should go or not is one thing, but taking offense at being invited is strange and inappropriate. They did not plan the day to get at you.

Chances are it didn’t even cross their minds that someone wouldn’t go because its a civil ceremony.

 

[PazzoGrande]

I hope you wouldn’t take offense to such a wedding invitation. They do not have “the right” to ask? Well, yes, they do. If you are asked to a wedding it is because the couple loves you and wants you there to celebrate with them. Whether you feel you should go or not is one thing, but taking offense at being invited is strange and inappropriate. They did not plan the day to get at you.

Chances are it didn’t even cross their minds that someone wouldn’t go because its a civil ceremony.

PattiDay didn’t say that they don’t have the right to invite you. PattiDay said they don’t have the right to ask you to suspend your beliefs. Big difference.

And on that point, I agree with PattiDay.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

PattiDay didn’t say that they don’t have the right to invite you. PattiDay said they don’t have the right to ask you to suspend your beliefs. Big difference.

And on that point, I agree with PattiDay.

Its the same thing. In asking for your attendance they are asking you to suspend your beliefs. Now, if you say no and they pester you, that’s an issue.

One thing that the OP may want to consider is what kind of relationship he wants with the couple in the future. If you want to be close and be a part of their lives as they raise kids you may not want to blurt out that their marriage is just shacking up. If you really don’t care to be close to them in the future you might as well be upfront.

 

[PrincepsAuguste]

I would not go. If they are Catholics and I explain my argument they would understand. If they didn’t understand I don’t know how they could claim to be Catholic.