What do you do when your parents aren't that great?

[rachella14]

I found out recently that my father is very sick. I got this news from his wife, via facebook, after he’d been in the hospital for weeks. When I say via facebook, I mean she posted on her general page a status asking for prayers - not a private message to me or anything like that. It was…shocking and like a punch in a gut to see that on a social media website versus getting a phone call or even a text.

Anyway. As I’m sure you can imagine, we have never been close. Honestly I can’t recall ever even having a real conversation with him. I was able to get in touch with him today (I live across the country from him), and talking to him was quite frankly, painful. It was like talking to a stranger. It’s always been like talking to a stranger.

I’m sitting here now, with a family of my own, just so sad and feeling like I have no parents even though both of my parents are living. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that my childhood was not ideal and just move on, but it’s so difficult. I can feel the damage affecting my life even now, even though I have an amazing husband and three beautiful children and we’re doing everything right.

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

I know this was rambling. I’m sorry. Really any words of wisdom or comfort would be really appreciated.

 

[pensmama87]

As a person whose family is also emotionally distant, I want to tell you that it is completely 100% okay for you to feel hurt over this. Trying to put away or stuff away the feeling (often called “numbing”) is not likely to help you in the long run.

I suggest you find a good counselor to help you learn about healthy boundaries you can set with your family - these aren’t just about setting limits and shutting others out. This is something that comes up a lot with my family and I’m thankful for a good counselor who is helping me figure this out.

:hug1: God bless you.

 

[rachella14]

Thank you for your reply. I think you’re right about numbing not working. I didn’t realize it, but that has basically been my only coping mechanism up until now. Just try not to think about it. And then this facebook thing happened and it’s like the floodgates opened and I feel like I’m drowning in all of these really powerful feelings and can’t get over it.

I’ve never thought about therapy before but I think it might be a good idea.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I’m sorry you are going through this.

If my parents (both are deceased now) had divorced when I was younger than I was this probably would be my story. While I lived with both of my parents until they divorced when I was 18 I did not have a good relationship with my dad. After the divorce the only reason he would call me is to ask when I thought he and my mom would get back together.

I was in my early-20s when I realized that I would never have the dad I needed or a “whole” family and I grieved. Nowadays, “whole” families seem rare and I do think it has taken it’s toll on society. I have healed some; through therapy, through time and prayer. But it’s something that rises up and I have to fight it again and I get so tired of that.

Shortly before his death I was able to visit him and talk to his about God, straighten some things out (he blamed my mom for me not talking to him - everything was “her fault” in his eyes). He had a girlfriend (even bought her a ring - I found the receipt among his things) but I never spoke to her. If things had been different I might have heard he was sick via Facebook. It would have been one more thing that hurt.

Grieve. Pray. Forgive. Be merciful. Rinse. Repeat.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi rachella14,

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through.

I come from a very painful and toxic family background. Some family members aren’t talking to me by their choice, and it has been very painful for me, too.

I don’t think that there is any easy way to deal with it.

I don’t think that there is an easy way to get through a situation like this. I think that you just do the best that you can, and you just deal with your feelings as they come up.

I don’t think that there is any way to stop caring. I still care about my family, too. I mourn what I don’t have with them, and I still think of them. I think about what we are missing out on, too. I think that it is human nature to do so.

The good thing is at least you were able to talk to your Dad. I know that you are feeling really sad and bad about things right now, but I hope that as time passes, you can take comfort in knowing that you tried reaching out to him.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[SybilMolly]

It’s a sad realization. I think more people would realize how many damaged people there are in the world if we didn’t polarize things: well, my parents aren’t the most loving ever, but they don’t beat me, so they’re not really bad parents.

The thing is, people who decide to raise children are still people, and people aren’t perfect. And a lot of people who had children don’t have the temperament. So there are really few bad parents, but a whole lot of poor ones. I don’t have the head for it, I don’t think. But I’m not planning to marry and have kids. Maybe one day that will change.

For example: my father is an only child who never really grew up. I speak with apathy when I say that he is selfish, vain, cynical, and mean, with no people skills he feels the need to use around his family.

And that’s okay. It’s not my fault he’s never going to mow the lawn and grill and wear baseball caps and polo shirts like a Norman Rockwell picture. It’s not even really his fault. And maybe he doesn’t love me at all. Maybe he really does thing I’m the obstacle to a clean house or a waste of money. But I’ve made my peace. God loves me. Jesus loves Me. I have all I need.

 

[suzee2]

Dear One–I had two parents who were seriously flawed–I wish my father had taken off because then he wouldn’t have been around to terrorize the family! My mother is at fault for letting him abuse us. That’s my background, different from yours, but I am sorry for your pain. I wish every child could have all the love and encouragement that God wishes for them! However, parents are human and might be unable or unwilling, for whatever reason, to give a child what is needed. For me, after SEVEN years of great Christian counseling, I have forgiven the both of them. That frees me from that bondage. Forgive your flawed parents and vow to not repeat their mistakes with your own children–then LOVE your own family, taking the lessons you learned from your own parents and using them to not repeat their mistakes. Be thankful God has blessed you with people who love, care for and nurture you. Learn from the past, but then leave it behind. As painful as it is, those hurts will keep on hurting you if you dwell on them. Blessings! Go forth and live your life for the One who made you, not those who gave birth to you!

 

[robwar]

I found out recently that my father is very sick. I got this news from his wife, via facebook, after he’d been in the hospital for weeks. When I say via facebook, I mean she posted on her general page a status asking for prayers - not a private message to me or anything like that. It was…shocking and like a punch in a gut to see that on a social media website versus getting a phone call or even a text.

Anyway. As I’m sure you can imagine, we have never been close. Honestly I can’t recall ever even having a real conversation with him. I was able to get in touch with him today (I live across the country from him), and talking to him was quite frankly, painful. It was like talking to a stranger. It’s always been like talking to a stranger.

I’m sitting here now, with a family of my own, just so sad and feeling like I have no parents even though both of my parents are living. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that my childhood was not ideal and just move on, but it’s so difficult. I can feel the damage affecting my life even now, even though I have an amazing husband and three beautiful children and we’re doing everything right.

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

I know this was rambling. I’m sorry. Really any words of wisdom or comfort would be really appreciated.

I am truly sorry about your family past. Your feelings are very natural to have. While you felt you didn’t have a father, you do have one in heaven and it is promised in scripture that “He is a Father to the fatherless”. I think you already know you can’t change the past but even with a difficult childhood, you can turn that around in compassion and empathy on others with similar backgrounds like yours and there is healing in that for yourself. I hope that you will find someone to go to not only to talk about your childhood but how God can use troubled pasts to minister to others. I heard a quote once and I thought it was rather beautiful that " God can turn our scars into stars". I think if you look on the past in that light, you can more forward into the future.

 

[Viki63]

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

It sounds like you are doing your best to deal with a less-than-perfect situation.
I’m writing to give you my perspective: I remember vividly the last days of both my parents, my dad died 30 years ago, my mom a few years ago. I remember what I said, what they said, what the nurse I talked to said. Those are crucial days.
I said “we love you,” to my dad the last time I saw him, the day before he died, and I really wish I had said “I love you,” but I didn’t because we were never a demonstrative family, and that is all I could bring myself to say. I was embarrassed, but I wish I had done more.

I would suggest that you give your father what you can. Go talk to a priest or counselor soon if you can, then offer your dad, by mail or phone if you can’t go to him, the love that you wish he had given you. You can be honest, just say, “I wish we had been closer, but I want you to know that I care about you and wish the best for you, and am praying for you.” He may not respond, but in years to come, you will have no regrets.

 

[crochet_lady]

Parents are supposed to be ‘perfect people’ who got together because they loved each other and their kids are meant to be a product of that love. As we get older we realize that ‘parents’ are really just grown up kids. They also had parents, etc, etc. God created the 1st parents / Adam and Eve in His perfect environment. But Satan has been determined to ruin all the perfectness that God created. So – ever since then two Un-perfect people have been getting together - sometimes Desiring to be Godly parents and sometimes Not.

Someone said that marriage was made by God – but has to be lived here on earth. So - we ask God for His help in living the life - day by day - that He would have us to live. And we get to live with / around everyone else who has been effected one way or another by Life. Your parents – My parents – all have their problems – so we Could take time to pray for Them and ask for God’s wisdom is how we respond To them. Hopefully with Love.

 

[judynurse]

I also had poor parents. My Mother was married to a good friend just 4 weeks before my birth. 16 years later I found out that although he was on my birth certificate, he was not my biological father. I did speak to him on the phone about 4 - 5 times, but he wouldn’t tell me who my father actually was without my Mom’s permission. When I asked her, she wouldn’t tell me either, and died without telling me just 9 years ago. The man on my birth certificate is also dead, so I’ll never know. Her brothers & sister didn’t know who it was either. She went for over 60 years hiding the truth. She wanted a son, she got a daughter she didn’t want, so I was given to my Grandma on the day I was born, and she filed for a divorce from my “birth certificate father” two weeks later. I always wanted a Father, and a Mother who loved me. I had neither. When my Grandfather became terminally ill, my Grandma made her come and take me with her when I was 7 years old. She resented and disliked me throughout my childhood - I was a burden she didn’t want. She left me in California when I finished 9th grade at age 14, and I supported myself with 3 jobs. I eventually lived with her again occasionally, usually only for a year or less.
I left home permanently at 18. She then married my Stepfather (her 5th marriage). She never had another child, although she wanted a son. My stepfather was a wonderful man, but also didn’t want a child, so I was on my own, without parents, as I had always felt I was. I got a GED, went to college and made a life for myself. Did it hurt? Of course. And it still does sometimes. I came back and cared for her when she became disabled, but she wanted me to stay in one room (even for meals) except to clean her house and help her with physical things she couldn’t do. (I was 49 when she asked me to come and help). I finally met a wonderful widower, got married again at 53 (my first marriage lasted 24 years, and I was beaten up regularly). That first marriage is not surprising now, since I was not raised with parents who loved & wanted me and had no self-esteem. My Grandma was wonderful, and I cried for years after having to leave her home. After my Mom died, my Stepfather and I finally became friends. He died 3 years ago, and I tried to help him as well when he became seriously ill. Through it all, the only thing that helped was to know I DID have a Father - the “Father of the fatherless, and Mother to the orphan”. I clung to that all my life. I discovered that Scripture when I was in my early teens, and it still is my comfort. Now I am widowed and God is still my mainstay, since He cares for the widow as well. It took me years to forgive my Mother, but I finally did. She had good parents, a good home, and took off at age 16. She was rebellious all her life, determined to do her “own thing”. Some people are just not right emotionally, and they take it out on their children, unfortunately. Probably they shouldn’t have children, but at least she didn’t abort me. She did abort my brother 3 years before I was born. Maybe that’s why she wanted a son – she regretted the abortion. She was still only 16 when she aborted my brother.

Praise God, He has never abandoned me, never left me alone, and has corrected me gently and with patience and led me closer and closer to Him. I did tell my Mom I loved her before she died, and did all I could for her. She couldn’t be a Christian, or a loving Mother, but it was a disability in HER, not ME. Forgive your Father, tell him you care, you love him anyway, and pray for him while he is still alive. The pain of not being loved or wanted remains, but God can heal you and help you through all of this. Don’t make the same mistakes, love and care for your children so they know you really love them and care for them deeply. They are fortunate that you know the difference between loving and not caring. God be with you, help you to forgive, and grant you peace! Forgiving such parents goes a long way to helping you to heal and recover from all that hurt.

 

[esieffe]

I found out recently that my father is very sick. I got this news from his wife, via facebook, after he’d been in the hospital for weeks. When I say via facebook, I mean she posted on her general page a status asking for prayers - not a private message to me or anything like that. It was…shocking and like a punch in a gut to see that on a social media website versus getting a phone call or even a text.

Anyway. As I’m sure you can imagine, we have never been close. Honestly I can’t recall ever even having a real conversation with him. I was able to get in touch with him today (I live across the country from him), and talking to him was quite frankly, painful. It was like talking to a stranger. It’s always been like talking to a stranger.

I’m sitting here now, with a family of my own, just so sad and feeling like I have no parents even though both of my parents are living. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that my childhood was not ideal and just move on, but it’s so difficult. I can feel the damage affecting my life even now, even though I have an amazing husband and three beautiful children and we’re doing everything right.

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

I know this was rambling. I’m sorry. Really any words of wisdom or comfort would be really appreciated.

Remember THEY were the parents. Nurturing, loving, showing love, training that was their job at the time. The fact you cant recall having a conversation with him is pretty telling. For mom not to even call and just post a message on a general facebook page is pretty cold. With what little you have been able to say I would talk to my priest, do some therapy and enjoy your new great life.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

Dear Rachella,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I also have a father who has always been emotionally distant and unloving and my brother and I suffered a lot because of it. My father and I don’t speak anymore, because I just couldn’t deal with his narcissism and control issues that got worse over the years. The breakdown of the family unit has been complete in my case, there is nothing more to hold on to. (My parents are also divorced). Despite having my own family I feel sad and abandoned sometimes, like I’m still a little girl.

I have found that the best substitute for an absent earthly father is God. He really is your father who will never abandon you and disappoint you. A few years ago I had a very strong realization of this truth, and this has helped me deal with the loss of my biological father.

I don’t think there is a quick cure for this kind of pain, but prayer and trust in God can heal you, even if it takes time. I think that these hurts never go away completely and sometimes they resurface but not with the same intensity as in the past. All will be well in Heaven and there we will be completely healed.

I don’t know if this gives you much comfort, but I find that it helps when I look at the bigger picture and live with hope of what lies ahead.

 

[Demetra2]

Dear One, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Many people including myself have unfortunate relationships with parents. It is normal that you feel anguish over this but try to stay focused on the blessings that you have with your own family now. It make take an act of the will but try to forgive them for all the hurt they have caused you. Talk to a priest about this, go to confession if need be and say the Divine Mercy Chaplet for them. Forgiving them is for you as much as for them and forgiving them doesn’t entitle them to abuse you in any way. You may need to have limited contact and keep a safe distance. I know it hurts but please know that Jesus loves you very much and he understands your suffering. You can only control your actions and you can’t make your father be more loving no matter how you try. Feel sorry for him because he is living a hollow life. God bless.

 

[holyrood]

I’m sitting here now, with a family of my own, just so sad and feeling like I have no parents even though both of my parents are living. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that my childhood was not ideal and just move on, but it’s so difficult. I can feel the damage affecting my life even now, even though I have an amazing husband and three beautiful children and we’re doing everything right.

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

I’ve posted here about my family. My mother is bitter and hateful, and tells people untrue, negative things about me. My father is a ‘dry drunk,’ who has been physically abusive; his last spoken words to me, three years ago, were a string of voicemails, in which he threatened me and called me an a $$ h… A more recent letter from him outlines all my failings as a parent, daughter, sister, and human being, reminding me how wonderful he is and telling me my children can’t wait to get away from me. I have several reasons to believe he’s a pervert, too, and some of his behavior has made me fear the day I see his name in the paper.

I think sometimes we mistake ourselves thinking we need to get over the less than ideal childhood. Sometimes, we really are at peace about that, but the problem is the ongoing behavior of our parents. What’s really painful to me is that they’re dragging my older children into the dysfunction.

No, you cannot single-handedly build a relationship. There really has to be a desire on both parts.

I have long ago stopped caring by accepting that he is who he is. I went to al-anon. I saw a counselor for about six months who did EMDR (a therapy used for post traumatic stress) and helped me to simply view my parents as ‘impaired.’

I focus on gratitude for what I have, gratitude lists if need be, and living my own life, and doing my own part to hopefully put good into the world. That’s something they can’t take away from me, that I have given to others, and my life, therefore, has value.

It helps me a great deal to see their own brokenness, the lousy childhood my father apparently had, the self-loathing and bitterness with which my mother seems to have been born, to simply have some compassion for the pain they live with daily.

No, I won’t take part in the family dysfunction, no, I won’t go near them, but I pray for them daily. I have a friend who has shown me a great deal of profound love and kindness, and it has highlighted for me how my mother has never received that from my father, in their 55 years together, and helped me to genuinely wish for peace for her, and pray that someday, God willing, she will have a year or two of peace and being genuinely cherished and loved, in all the ways my father denied her.

I do everything in my power to stay out of the dysfunction, not to get into the he said-she said (which is hard, because I know what they’re all saying about me), and to keep praying for them. This is the only relationship they and I are going to have, unless a miracle occurs, and at this point, I’m content with that.

There’s the afterlife.

Peace be with you.

 

[judynurse]

Thank you for that post! I, too, had to finally move beyond the dysfunctional and verbally abusive childhood I had. It took me far too long to do so (over 40 years!) but I eventually moved on & forgave & began to see myself as worthwhile. The only stability in my life for many, many years was the Church. That was something I could hold onto, that did not change from one day to the next, and which insisted I was a person of value and that God loved me just as I was and am. The realization that going through all that made me a more sensitive and caring person toward others was a great help. Now I see people in situations like that and I can empathize and pray for them, sometimes help with kind words and understanding.

Eventually, you have to go on and live YOUR life, as you want it to be. You don’t have to be a dysfunctional person, or continue in bitterness and anger. You can learn to move beyond that, and to realize you are a truly important person to Jesus & Mary, just as you are and as THEY see you becoming! Now I have grown so much in the past 20 years, have become a kinder and more spiritual person. The things I suffered and felt are those which I have to offer to our Lord as my sacrifices for Him. Perhaps I would be a worse person, if I’d had a more normal family. Perhaps this was necessary for my spiritual development and growth. If so, it was actually worth going through.

 

[skigirl1689]

I found out recently that my father is very sick. I got this news from his wife, via facebook, after he’d been in the hospital for weeks. When I say via facebook, I mean she posted on her general page a status asking for prayers - not a private message to me or anything like that. It was…shocking and like a punch in a gut to see that on a social media website versus getting a phone call or even a text.

Anyway. As I’m sure you can imagine, we have never been close. Honestly I can’t recall ever even having a real conversation with him. I was able to get in touch with him today (I live across the country from him), and talking to him was quite frankly, painful. It was like talking to a stranger. It’s always been like talking to a stranger.

I’m sitting here now, with a family of my own, just so sad and feeling like I have no parents even though both of my parents are living. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that my childhood was not ideal and just move on, but it’s so difficult. I can feel the damage affecting my life even now, even though I have an amazing husband and three beautiful children and we’re doing everything right.

How do I move on from this painful feeling? Is there a way to create a relationship with someone who is just not that into you? Is there a way to stop caring? I just keep thinking that he might not be around much longer, and I’ll always mourn what I never had, and there is no way to fix it.

I know this was rambling. I’m sorry. Really any words of wisdom or comfort would be really appreciated.

I am truly sorry you are hurting and having to deal with this in such a difficult situation. I agree with the other posters it is very difficult to see our parents as they really are, especially when they have/are doing damage to you or others. My parents are still together but as I get older, I see more and more dysfunctional they are together…my situation precludes my reliance on them for caregiving so I daily struggle with seeing the dysfunction and personally have to deal with my own reaction/feelings about it.

I’ve learned I have to work on not letting it get to me and frankly, stop getting emotionally involved. Sometimes it means telling myself to leave it in God’s hands and willfully stop caring about the past and continual emotional damage the dysfunction causes. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but if I dwell on it, I am just inflicting further damage upon myself. I also consciously remember things could always be much, much worse, and I try to keep everything in proper perspective.

I am unsure if this makes much sense, but please know what you are going through is not uncommon, and don’t be hard on yourself for feeling conflicted. As for learning about your father’s illness via social media, I understand how difficult it is…I learned about a loved one’s death this way, though it was expected, I am unsure if the effects of it will ever leave me.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Dear OP,

I am very sorry you are going through this. I think enough people have shared their story for you to realize you are not alone, so I won’t bother with mine. However, I will say don’t EVER underestimate God’s perfect plan and the good fruit that results from doing His will. A few days before my dad died, I said some things to him that made us get into a big argument. Mainly because I told him to learn to make his peace with God. I had no idea that less than a week later I would get a call that my dad suddenly died out of the blue. For YEARS I worried my dad would die before we could mend our differences. And the day I found out he died, I could look back at our last argument and know that God gave me the opportunity to speak my truth before it was too late. As odd as this sounds, the day my dad died, so did all our fights and for the first time in my life, God put the gratitude in my heart for him.

Trust in God, He will do miracles

Angie