What do you do when your spouse does not embrace the EF?

  • Thread starter Thread starter PietroPaolo
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PietroPaolo

Guest
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
This is a hard question. In my opinion, if you are ok with the OF, I would try to go back to that, especially while your wife is still deciding whether or not to come into the Church. Before I converted, I do not think I would have done so if the masses I had been exposed to were EF. I think I would have had too hard of a time figuring out what was going on. But that is just my opinion.
 
Remember that the Ordinary Form is what is normal. The OF is the norm.

The Extraordinary Form is exactly that - beyond what is ordinary and normal. The EF is not the norm.

By pushing the EF on your wife you are asking her to go beyond what is accepted by the Church as the norm.

-Tim-
 
Rather than trying to make the decision, perhaps you could ask her what she feels is best; and that most likely would be some form of compromise.

There is a very old rule: Mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.

If she is on her way to conversion, I would think that should be the first priority. There can be any number of reasons someone prefers one form of Mass over the other. where the husband and wife prefer different forms, it would seem that some form of accommodation needs to be made; both parties need to “give” somewhat.

The Mass is a significant part of your life; hopefully you will be able to settle on one parish as “your” parish and be involved beyond the Mass. That does not preclude attending another parish, but while one can “belong” to more than one group of people, community is a base point which too many Catholics seem to ignore or avoid. We are not Catholics in isolation; so deciding on a parish as the one you will belong to (as opposed to which form of Mass you will attend and how often) can be very important.
 
" I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not."

Pushing something is usually not a win-win…
 
PietroPaolo said:
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
It wouldn’t hurt to go to both. The Masses are not in conflict with one another so why would you want to set up a conflict between you and your wife.

(As a wife, I have to mention: “the wife” sounds as if she is an object. “My wife” is much nicer. It says that she a person. This is something that husbands often say without any intent of disrespect but it sure is irritating)
 
At this point, perhaps you could compromise and alternative on a weekly basis?

Ultimately you are the spiritual head of your household, but in your shoes I would be wary of discouraging my wife from converting, as that’s got to be priority #1. After she’s a Catholic, she may be more open to experiencing the fullness of the Church’s liturgy.

I suggest you pray, talk together, and if you keep going to the TLM even occasionally, get a good 1962 missal so you can both learn it better.

God bless.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
If I were you, I would put my enthusiasm for the EF on the back burner for a time.

Whatever you do, please do not put pressure on your wife. At this moment, someone is putting pressure on me to accept their viewpoint of the Church, and it is not a pleasant experience. You never win a soul that way.

Remember: if you lose the heart, you lose everything.

In the meantime, pray much for your wife and be the best husband you can.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
Why doesn’t she like the Extraodinary Form?
 
Offer to alternate? I’d err on the side of pleasing the wife though.
 
Mike30 said:
Why doesn’t she like the Extraodinary Form?
Click to expand...
Well, she doesn’t have any Latin and the EF is very foreign to her Protestant (Methodist) upbringing. She says she might like it more if it wasn’t for the 3 kids (5, 2.5, 2 months) which make it very hard for her to concentrate on the Mass. Our 5 year old is really good and attentive the 2.5 yr old can be a little difficult and the baby is, well, a baby. She does well at the OF, but the EF requires more attention.
 
Don’t forget humility (says the Franciscan ;)). You are the spiritual head, being the man, but the well-being of your wife’s soul is more important than your preferences right now. The E.F. won’t disappear while you wait for her to come Home.

May God bless you for striving to follow our Lord and His Church in raising children with love & truth. 🙂
 
Mike30 said:
Why doesn’t she like the Extrarodinary Form?
Click to expand...
That would be my first question.

Then see if you can reach an agreement . Maybe go to the EF every other Sunday or once a month or whatever she will agree to. 🤷

Of course if she dislikes the EF so much that she refuses to go, there won’t be much you can do. There is a Mass at our parish that I CAN NOT stand. By the time we are ready for Communion, I am no longer in any frame of mind to receive. :eek:
 
maryjk said:
That would be my first question.

Then see if you can reach an agreement . Maybe go to the EF every other Sunday or once a month or whatever she will agree to. 🤷

Of course if she dislikes the EF so much that she refuses to go, there won’t be much you can do. There is a Mass at our parish that I CAN NOT stand. By the time we are ready for Communion, I am no longer in any frame of mind to receive. :eek:
Click to expand...
No, she’ll go as often as I ask, but she just doesn’t like going. I think she’ll learn to like it over time, but I don’t want to push it on her. I do like exposing the kids to the beauty and reverence (not qualities of the Mass at our OF parish) of the EF and I find the EF to be much more conducive to prayer for myself, but she is struggling with going (especially every week). I’m thinking a compromise will be best. I’ll have to see how often she’d really be up for.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Well, she doesn’t have any Latin and the EF is very foreign to her Protestant (Methodist) upbringing. She says she might like it more if it wasn’t for the 3 kids (5, 2.5, 2 months) which make it very hard for her to concentrate on the Mass. Our 5 year old is really good and attentive the 2.5 yr old can be a little difficult and the baby is, well, a baby. She does well at the OF, but the EF requires more attention.
Click to expand...
I do hope that you are not saying or implying that the Ordinary Form of the Mass resembles a protestant assembly, because we have heard ad nauseum from those who don’t like the Extraordinary Form that the Ordinary Form does not resemble protestant assemblies in any way whatsoever.
 
Mike30 said:
I do hope that you are not saying or implying that the Ordinary Form of the Mass resembles a protestant assembly, because we have heard ad nauseum from those who don’t like the Extraordinary Form that the Ordinary Form does not resemble protestant assemblies in any way whatsoever.
Click to expand...
That conclusion is pretty far from the poster’s remarks… =|
 
PietroPaolo said:
No, she’ll go as often as I ask, but she just doesn’t like going. I think she’ll learn to like it over time, but I don’t want to push it on her. I do like exposing the kids to the beauty and reverence (not qualities of the Mass at our OF parish) of the EF and I find the EF to be much more conducive to prayer for myself, but she is struggling with going (especially every week). I’m thinking a compromise will be best. I’ll have to see how often she’d really be up for.
Click to expand...
Your children are still young. Your wife is in the midst of converting. I recommend that you don’t press her to attend more than once a month or even every 6 weeks. It is the Eucharist that will save her (and you) not the form of the Mass. Maybe start some traditional devotional practices at home - a family rosary (decade), name day celebrations ect
 
One couple I know the wife doesn’t like the EF but she goes only because that’s the only way she can get her husband to go to Church.
 
Mike30 said:
I do hope that you are not saying or implying that the Ordinary Form of the Mass resembles a protestant assembly, because we have heard ad nauseum from those who don’t like the Extraordinary Form that the Ordinary Form does not resemble protestant assemblies in any way whatsoever.
Click to expand...
You’re reading too much into what I wrote. The EF is very far from what she is used too. Her background has no tradition of worshiping in a language that the worshiper doesn’t understand (she doesn’t understand Latin). That is all I meant. I’m not attacking the OF, which I have attended since I began coming to the Mass 2 yrs ago.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top