What do you do when your spouse does not embrace the EF?

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Mrs_Sally said:
Your children are still young. Your wife is in the midst of converting. I recommend that you don’t press her to attend more than once a month or even every 6 weeks. It is the Eucharist that will save her (and you) not the form of the Mass. Maybe start some traditional devotional practices at home - a family rosary (decade), name day celebrations ect
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Even though I go only to the EF, I would agree in this case. I am also a convert, and I converted through the OF practice. For a new convert, the EF can be a little overwhelming, since there are so many levels to the celebration. All of this at once might be too much change to handle.

Start with the small stuff as Ms. Sally says. Attend RCIA with her, if possible, and encourage her conversion. After her conversion, like me, she will probably start to warm up to the EF. Give her a few months as a new convert before asking her to go to the EF Mass. Then, I would recommend the Solemn High Mass if there is one. The Solemn High Mass really emphasizes what is occurring at every point in the Mass in a very beautiful and expressive way.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Well, she doesn’t have any Latin and the EF is very foreign to her Protestant (Methodist) upbringing. She says she might like it more if it wasn’t for the 3 kids (5, 2.5, 2 months) which make it very hard for her to concentrate on the Mass. Our 5 year old is really good and attentive the 2.5 yr old can be a little difficult and the baby is, well, a baby. She does well at the OF, but the EF requires more attention.
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As a Protestant, your wife will be more comfortable at an “ordinary form” mass. You should be flexible and accommodating with her at this time. Maybe just go to the traditional mass once a month or so.
 
Please respect where your wife is at in her journey of faith. You already love the liturgy of the Mass, either form, right? Your preferences are just not very important or relevant at this stage, imo. I encourage you to allow her to gradually increase her understanding of and appreciation for the Mass in the form she is most comfortable with. She already is distracted enough, because it’s not easy to fully participate in the liturgy with young children. To me it seems the EF form is just too much work for her at this point, and yes, we do work while we worship. Don’t you want her to be excited, rather than discouraged and lost, about the celebration of the Mass? You can still be a model of reverence for her during the OF liturgy. It’s the same beautiful, awesome celebration, shared by the angels and the saints, just a different form.

Maybe on a Sunday when she is sick or taking care of a sick child, you can attend the EF Mass with the other children? If your wife joins the Catholic Church, perhaps the two of you can compromise, IF she is ready (your relationship is another higher priority than choosing which form of Mass to attend). Just my opinion.
 
I’m concerned about your use of the word “fan.”

The Mass is not a theatrical or athletic event…

Jesus is Truly Present, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity, in both the EF and the OF Mass.

Jesus should be your focus, not the form of the Mass. Your wife and children need JESUS, and it doesn’t matter which Mass they attend, because He will be there for them. Even though they will not be able to receive Him in Holy Communion until they are Catholic, Jesus’ Presence will strengthen them in the Mass. Don’t make any decision that may cause your wife to stay away from the Mass entirely.

Perhaps you used the word “fan” because it was the only word that came to your mind as you wrote. But I recommend that you stop using this word when it comes to the Holy Mass. Instead, say that “I have a preference for…” I think that sounds less like the Mass is a show. I really think that all Catholics need to stop thinking of the Mass as “performance” and start concentrating on Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, and on His Word. JMO, and I hope it’s helpful.
 
Cat said:
I’m concerned about your use of the word “fan.”

The Mass is not a theatrical or athletic event…
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I think you are taking my use of the word “fan” much too literally. I’m simply saying she doesn’t like the EF. I in no way implied, nor think, the Mass is a theatrical or athletic event.

Remember the word “fan” is just a shortened variant of “fanatic” from the Latin “fanaticus” which itself derives from the Latin “fanum” meaning “temple or church” so if we really want to be picky about words maybe fan isn’t so bad ;).
 
PietroPaolo said:
I think you are taking my use of the word “fan” much too literally. I’m simply saying she doesn’t like the EF. I in no way implied, nor think, the Mass is a theatrical or athletic event.

Remember the word “fan” is just a shortened variant of “fanatic” from the Latin “fanaticus” which itself derives from the Latin “fanum” meaning “temple or church” so if we really want to be picky about words maybe fan isn’t so bad ;).
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Have you looked around at various OF Church’s in your area? Some are no doubt much tighter than others. Or is this something your just not open to at all?
 
Reborn2013 said:
**As a Protestant, your wife will be more comfortable at an “ordinary form” mass. **You should be flexible and accommodating with her at this time. Maybe just go to the traditional mass once a month or so.
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Interesting statement. Why would she be more comfortable at an Ordinary Form Mass?
 
ProVobis said:
But then where do you find a couple that agree 100% on everything.
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That’s really the basis for growing in virtue through marriage.

***not my will, but thine, be done. *(Luke 22:42)

Putting aside our own will and doing the will of another helps us be like Christ. How cool would a marriage be if husband and wife lived this out in the small details of everyday life. That’s the kind of marriage I want.

-Tim-
 
Just practically, it’s hard to go to mass w/the kids if you are learning the mass too. Not only are you learning the mass, but you are struggling to teach it to your kid(s) as well. It’s a lot in your own language, but trying to do it in another language…come on.

Going to mass is so different when I’m not with my son. He’s 5. He’s generally well-behaved, but issues still come up. When he’s with me, my priority isn’t worship. My priority is trying to worship while helping my son get through the mass w/o being too fussy or loud. When he’s not there, I’m able to relax and actually worship. I’m not even to a point where I’d consider going to an EF mass because I’m not ready for that experience, as a recent convert. I can understand why your wife wouldn’t be interested in doing EF at this point.

I know I’d be frustrated trying to follow a mass in a language I didn’t understand while struggling to keep the young kids occupied for a long period of time, while sleep-deprived and beginning a new routine of caring for a 3rd child. It’s just too much - too overwhelming.

I get that you like the EF, but if she’s not in the same place as you spiritually, then you shouldn’t force the EF mass on her.

I also wouldn’t force wife to go to mass because it says in the CCC that women w/infants are exempt from the weekly mass obligation. It’s one thing if the wife wants to go, but if she’s tired from taking care of the kids, let her rest. It’s one thing to love our faith, but you don’t want her to be resentful because your faith is more of a priority than her health/well-being. After all, she isn’t Catholic. She’s not under any obligation to go attend the Mass.

Like someone else said, if mom isn’t happy - nobody’s happy.
 
Mike30 said:
Interesting statement. Why would she be more comfortable at an Ordinary Form Mass?
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Good question. She is more comfortable for several reasons:
  1. In her background (Methodist) there is no tradition of worshiping in a language that you don’t understand (she doesn’t understand Latin). This is very foreign to her.
  2. Incense, ad orientum, all the altar boys, the increased amount of kneeling, the polyphony and chant are all completely foreign to Methodist worship. Our OF parish doesn’t feature any of these (we have 2 altar servers and of course we kneel during the consecration, but it is a lot less than the high EF).
  3. We’ve been attending the OF for 2.5 yrs since I began a journey to the Church. She wasn’t very comfortable at first at the OF Mass, but has since become very comfortable.
 
GaryTaylor said:
Have you looked around at various OF Church’s in your area? Some are no doubt much tighter than others. Or is this something your just not open to at all?
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No, I am open to the OF. We attend 3 OF parishes off and on, but none of them really present the sacral and sacrificial character of the Mass very well. Jokey homilies, bad hymns, massive numbers of EMHC swarming the altar at communion - you know that kind of thing. A well done OF would be a great compromise, but we don’t seem to have on in the area. That is a good idea though.
 
Kal2012 said:
I know I’d be frustrated trying to follow a mass in a language I didn’t understand while struggling to keep the young kids occupied for a long period of time, while sleep-deprived and beginning a new routine of caring for a 3rd child. It’s just too much - too overwhelming.
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Yeah, I see what you are saying. I handle whichever of the older kids is being more difficult (almost always the 2.5 yr old) and we hope the baby will sleep, but she still ends up focused mostly on the kids. The EF reaches its summit for me as I kneel at the altar rail to receive Our Lord, the summit for her is the “walk of shame” (as she styles it) half way through Mass to sit in the car with one or both of the two little ones. She hasn’t made it past the Credo yet. I suppose that isn’t something terribly prayerful. I’d leave instead, but the baby nurses and won’t take a bottle. In my enthusiasm I didn’t really think about that aspect of her experience.
 
I would suggest a compromise: once a month for EF.

I’m also a bit concerned with the many comments that it will be too hard to convert her with the EF. I am a convert and, although I found the OF easier to understand, who is to say that if the EF was the only mass available that I would not have converted anyway? God converts us…through whatever means He chooses. And many converts converted when there was no OF.

Also, I know certain folks get upset when there is any comparison between the OF and protestant services, but there is no arguing that the OF looks very much like the Anglican/Episopalian service. Obviously there are real differences like the Real Presence, but liturgically they are very much alike.
 
TimothyH said:
That’s really the basis for growing in virtue through marriage.

***not my will, but thine, be done. ***(Luke 22:42)

Putting aside our own will and doing the will of another helps us be like Christ. How cool would a marriage be if husband and wife lived this out in the small details of everyday life. That’s the kind of marriage I want.

-Tim-
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Doesn’t that apply to his wife as well though? Maybe she could let him enjoy the EF once a month?
 
PietroPaolo said:
Hi Everyone,

I’ve recently taken the wife and kids down to a local EF Mass for the last 3 weeks as a way of exploring the liturgy more fully. I have become a big fan of the EF and would like to continue to go to this parish, however the wife is not such a big fan and would like to return to our old OF parish or find a new parish altogether. I’m not sure if I should push the EF or not. Any suggestions? On a side note, I’m a recent convert (confirmed last Easter) and the wife is not a Catholic (although she is well on her way). Thanks in advance.
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The very, very good thing here is that you have found your way home and your wife is on the path…warms my heart!!

Just a word of encouragement through my families’ example… My wife, our two children and I had a different, but similar situation where I was interested in exploring and learning about other liturgical traditions… particularly the Romanian Byzantine tradition (there are several near our home). She was very comfortable in our parish and didn’t have the curiosity that I did to branch out. So I went one Sunday with my son after our normal 8A Latin rite mass. Turns out he really liked it and carried that enthusiasm back to our dinner conversation that night. Now we go once a month as a family.
 
Kal2012 said:
Just practically, it’s hard to go to mass w/the kids if you are learning the mass too. Not only are you learning the mass, but you are struggling to teach it to your kid(s) as well. It’s a lot in your own language, but trying to do it in another language…come on.

Going to mass is so different when I’m not with my son. He’s 5. He’s generally well-behaved, but issues still come up. When he’s with me, my priority isn’t worship. My priority is trying to worship while helping my son get through the mass w/o being too fussy or loud. When he’s not there, I’m able to relax and actually worship. I’m not even to a point where I’d consider going to an EF mass because I’m not ready for that experience, as a recent convert. I can understand why your wife wouldn’t be interested in doing EF at this point.

I know I’d be frustrated trying to follow a mass in a language I didn’t understand while struggling to keep the young kids occupied for a long period of time, while sleep-deprived and beginning a new routine of caring for a 3rd child. It’s just too much - too overwhelming.

I get that you like the EF, but if she’s not in the same place as you spiritually, then you shouldn’t force the EF mass on her.

I also wouldn’t force wife to go to mass because it says in the CCC that women w/infants are exempt from the weekly mass obligation. It’s one thing if the wife wants to go, but if she’s tired from taking care of the kids, let her rest. It’s one thing to love our faith, but you don’t want her to be resentful because your faith is more of a priority than her health/well-being. After all, she isn’t Catholic. She’s not under any obligation to go attend the Mass.

Like someone else said, if mom isn’t happy - nobody’s happy.
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I just have to say, that this is an excellent post. Catholic mothers have a VERY hard time at Mass, especially the EF . The very best thing he could do for his wife, is give her the chance to go to Mass alone or with him, either form (whatever she wants!) so she can pray and maybe make a spiritual communion. What a blessing to her that would be. Forget about preferences. Just think about her soul, and the food it needs.
 
PietroPaolo said:
Yeah, I see what you are saying. I handle whichever of the older kids is being more difficult (almost always the 2.5 yr old) and we hope the baby will sleep, but she still ends up focused mostly on the kids. The EF reaches its summit for me as I kneel at the altar rail to receive Our Lord, the summit for her is the “walk of shame” (as she styles it) half way through Mass to sit in the car with one or both of the two little ones. She hasn’t made it past the Credo yet. I suppose that isn’t something terribly prayerful. I’d leave instead, but the baby nurses and won’t take a bottle. In my enthusiasm I didn’t really think about that aspect of her experience.
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Okay, wow. So she hasn’t actually attended an entire Mass? Do you think maybe this is the reason that she isn’t happy about it.

Sorry, but I read what you wrote and thought Duh. I mean really. Your wife doesn’t like going to a Mass where she ends up leaving early EVERY SINGLE TIME. While you, on the other hand stay and receive Our Lord? And you don’t understand why she feels this way? Really???

May I suggest that you attend the EF, alone, until such time that you can make the “walk of shame” with the children? Until that time, go to the OF with your family. Then additionally, attend the EF.
 
GloriaMaria said:
I just have to say, that this is an excellent post. Catholic mothers have a VERY hard time at Mass, especially the EF . The very best thing he could do for his wife, is give her the chance to go to Mass alone or with him, either form (whatever she wants!) so she can pray and maybe make a spiritual communion. What a blessing to her that would be. Forget about preferences. Just think about her soul, and the food it needs.
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OK, really, I don’t get this. I am not arguing that it is not difficult, but didn’t mothers do this for centuries then? What about St Elizabeth Ann Seton?
 
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