What do you do when your spouse does not embrace the EF?

[floresco]

I get that you like the EF, but are you really recommending that the family split up?

Going to Mass at different places is hardly the same as a family “splitting up”.
Even back when our family all attended only OF we often went to Mass at different times from each other to allow someone to stay home with small children while others could focus on the Mass.

Now that some of our children have grown and left and the remaining children are pre-teen and up, we regularly go to different Masses to accommodate our various schedules, preferences and spiritual needs. We only occasionally go to Mass all together. In our situation, I think this is much better than an outward show of “togetherness” that leaves some people feeling resentful or uncomfortable.

My married daughter with 3 small children (including a nursing baby) greatly prefers the OF because she is much more comfortable bringing her children there.

The Church imposes no obligation to bring small children to Mass nor to attend Mass together as a family. In these matters, we are all free to do what we believe is best for our personal situation.

 

[maryjk]

Hello, may I suggest something? Perhaps you can continue to go to your EF parish while your wife goes to her OF parish. You should ask your children if they prefer the EF or the OF. They can choose between going with you or your wife. God bless.

P.S. I’m also a huge fan of the Extraordinary Form.

Going to Mass at different places is hardly the same as a family “splitting up”.
Even back when our family all attended only OF we often went to Mass at different times from each other to allow someone to stay home with small children while others could focus on the Mass.

**Now that some of our children have grown and left and the remaining children are pre-teen and up, **we regularly go to different Masses to accommodate our various schedules, preferences and spiritual needs. We only occasionally go to Mass all together. In our situation, I think this is much better than an outward show of “togetherness” that leaves some people feeling resentful or uncomfortable.

My married daughter with 3 small children (including a nursing baby) greatly prefers the OF because she is much more comfortable bringing her children there.

The Church imposes no obligation to bring small children to Mass nor to attend Mass together as a family. In these matters, we are all free to do what we believe is best for our personal situation.

But your examples aren’t what benn15 suggested. The OP doesn’t have preteens. No one is staying home with the baby,

No, he is saying that Mom and the youngest, since the baby is still nursing, go to the OF Mass. While the Dad and whomever wants to go with him, go to the EF Mass.

His suggestion was for Mom and Dad to split up, taking the children based on the child’s likes and dislikes.

Basically Dad would be telling Mom, go by yourself (with the little ones) or come with me and wait in the car until I am finished.

 

[bben15]

But your examples aren’t what benn15 suggested. The OP doesn’t have preteens. No one is staying home with the baby,

No, he is saying that Mom and the youngest, since the baby is still nursing, go to the OF Mass. While the Dad and whomever wants to go with him, go to the EF Mass.

His suggestion was for Mom and Dad to split up, taking the children based on the child’s likes and dislikes.

Basically Dad would be telling Mom, go by yourself (with the little ones) or come with me and wait in the car until I am finished.

I apologize if you misunderstood what I said. I did not want to split his family up. I did not know he has a baby still nursing. In that case, like my second post on this thread, I suggest that they allow his children, (ones who are old enough to talk) to decide which parish they can alll go to together.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I apologize if you misunderstood what I said. I did not want to split his family up. I did not know he has a baby still nursing. In that case, like my second post on this thread, I suggest that they allow his children, (ones who are old enough to talk) to decide which parish they can alll go to together.

I think it is dangerous to ask children to basically pick a side. It could make the other spouse feel hurt/resentful.

 

[bben15]

I think it is dangerous to ask children to basically pick a side. It could make the other spouse feel hurt/resentful.

I doubt that the spouse would be offended. A Mass is a Mass. Transubstantiation happens in both. But, it is not my family, so they may or may not be offended. I personally prefer the EF Mass, but I the EF Mass is not closely available to me, so I go to an OF Mass on a regular basis, and I don’t mind. But like I said, it’s not my family. I don’t like to take sides, but if he doesn’t want his children to pick, they should go to his wife’s parish, since she is new to Catholicism. The OF Mass is more similar to a Protestant service, so she might be more comfortable going to an OF mass than an EF Mass. But, like I said, I don’t like to take sides. God bless his wife for her entrance into Catholicism.

 

[ProVobis]

I think it is dangerous to ask children to basically pick a side. It could make the other spouse feel hurt/resentful.

Look at the bright side. They’re both Catholic and both churchgoers, so the situation could be a lot worse.

 

[maryjk]

Look at the bright side. They’re both Catholic and both churchgoers, so the situation could be a lot worse.

Actually, the OP’s spouse isn’t Catholic.

 

[Lucky7]

I think it is dangerous to ask children to basically pick a side. It could make the other spouse feel hurt/resentful.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t think this is something the children get to pick.

 

[ProVobis]

Actually, the OP’s spouse isn’t Catholic.

Thanks for pointing that out. I guess I read it too quickly.

 

[maryjk]

I doubt that the spouse would be offended. A Mass is a Mass. Transubstantiation happens in both. But, it is not my family, so they may or may not be offended. I personally prefer the EF Mass, but I the EF Mass is not closely available to me, so I go to an OF Mass on a regular basis, and I don’t mind. But like I said, it’s not my family. I don’t like to take sides, but if he doesn’t want his children to pick, they should go to his wife’s parish, since she is new to Catholicism. The OF Mass is more similar to a Protestant service, so she might be more comfortable going to an OF mass than an EF Mass. But, like I said, I don’t like to take sides. God bless his wife for her entrance into Catholicism.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t think this is something the children get to pick.

I agree with you Lucky7.

The children are 5, 2 1/2 and 2 months. No they should not be picking which parent they go with. Nor should they decide whether or not Mom gets to sit in the car while Dad is at Mass.

Maybe many readers missed that comment.

The EF reaches its summit for me as I kneel at the altar rail to receive Our Lord, the summit for her is the “walk of shame” (as she styles it) half way through Mass to sit in the car with one or both of the two little ones. She hasn’t made it past the Credo yet.

So Mom is sitting in the car EVERY time they attend the EF. So it isn’t a question about which Mass she should attend. She either attends a full Mass when she goes to the OF or she leaves before the end and sits in the car when she tries to attend the EF.

It isn’t “a Mass is a Mass” or “either one counts” or anything else because she isn’t actually attending Mass when she goes to the EF. Instead she is sitting in the car with two or three children while her husband attends Mass.

 

[Lucky7]

So Mom is sitting in the car EVERY time they attend the EF. So it isn’t a question about which Mass she should attend. She either attends a full Mass when she goes to the OF or she leaves before the end and sits in the car when she tries to attend the EF.

It isn’t “a Mass is a Mass” or “either one counts” or anything else because she isn’t actually attending Mass when she goes to the EF. Instead she is sitting in the car with two or three children while her husband attends Mass.

Maybe I missed the explanation, but I’m not following why this happens with the EF and not the OF. Whenever I have attended the EF (and I did today) it is the same length. If she doesn’t get to stay through the full EF, why doesn’t the same thing happen with the OF?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It’s not clear what the difference is. Perhaps OP helps out more with the kids at the OF. Perhaps it is the time of the Masses or the distance to the church. Could be a few different things. Perhaps she doesn’t make it through the OF all the time either. I think he needs to make his wife’s conversion his priority.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Maybe I missed the explanation, but I’m not following why this happens with the EF and not the OF. Whenever I have attended the EF (and I did today) it is the same length. If she doesn’t get to stay through the full EF, why doesn’t the same thing happen with the OF?

I believe I mentioned this above, but our OF is about 50 minutes on average while the EF is about 90 minutes (today’s was 2 hrs). This is the missa cantata which takes longer than the low mass, also father likes to give looong sermons - which the wife loves, btw, and yes, when she is not in car, maryjk

 

[maryjk]

Maybe I missed the explanation, but I’m not following why this happens with the EF and not the OF. Whenever I have attended the EF (and I did today) it is the same length. If she doesn’t get to stay through the full EF, why doesn’t the same thing happen with the OF?

He answered with this

Our EF (Missa Cantata) runs about 90 minutes (pastor gives long sermons), our OF about 50 minutes. Plus we have a converted choir loft which now is a cry room, so if the kids fuss up we head upstairs rather than to the car.

So if they attend the OF, she can go up to the cry room. There isn’t a cry room at the EF. So when the children start to fuss or the baby needs fed, she goes out to the car to nurse the baby.

And it seems that for them, the EF is almost twice as long.

 

[PietroPaolo]

First, thanks for all the help everyone! Today was the final week of our original plan of attending four EF’s in a row to give it a fair try (I got the idea from Dr. Taylor Marshall’s blog). I offered, as many here thought best, to can the experiment a week early, but the wife wanted to see the 4 wks through and (Deo gratias) she made it through the whole Mass (which went 2 hrs today)! Our baby slept the whole time, the five year old was good throughout and I was able to wrangle the 2.5 yr old (I had to pull him toward the end) so the wife was actually able to stay for the duration. She still prefers the OF but has come to better appreciate the EF over the course of the last month. She also really has taken to the priest at the EF parish, especially his sermons. We’ve decided to attend both the OF and the EF in the future, depending on how often the wife feels up to the EF. We’ll also work in the low mass once in-a-while as the high mass is really a bigger challenge, taking so much longer and all. Some of you have mentioned the kids. The five year old has come to greatly appreciate the EF (even pretending to say Mass with bits of Latin), while I have a little more work to do with the 2.5 yr old who, this morning, said “A-Tin Mass, Ucky.” Ah well. Thanks again for all the sage advice and taking the time to help! May God bless you all!

 

[floresco]

But your examples aren’t what benn15 suggested. The OP doesn’t have preteens. No one is staying home with the baby,

No, he is saying that Mom and the youngest, since the baby is still nursing, go to the OF Mass. While the Dad and whomever wants to go with him, go to the EF Mass.

His suggestion was for Mom and Dad to split up, taking the children based on the child’s likes and dislikes.

Basically Dad would be telling Mom, go by yourself (with the little ones) or come with me and wait in the car until I am finished.

If she prefers the OF and he prefers the EF there is nothing wrong with, for example, her going to a Saturday evening anticipated Mass (OF) with the baby while he watches the other two and on Sunday him going with the 5 yo to the EF while she watches the other two. There is no reason to rule out an arrangement like that, just because it is “splitting up the family.” There may be other reasons that something like this does not work for them, but it is an option that they can consider.

 

[Jennifoo]

First, thanks for all the help everyone! Today was the final week of our original plan of attending four EF’s in a row to give it a fair try (I got the idea from Dr. Taylor Marshall’s blog). I offered, as many here thought best, to can the experiment a week early, but the wife wanted to see the 4 wks through and (Deo gratias) she made it through the whole Mass (which went 2 hrs today)! Our baby slept the whole time, the five year old was good throughout and I was able to wrangle the 2.5 yr old (I had to pull him toward the end) so the wife was actually able to stay for the duration. She still prefers the OF but has come to better appreciate the EF over the course of the last month. She also really has taken to the priest at the EF parish, especially his sermons. We’ve decided to attend both the OF and the EF in the future, depending on how often the wife feels up to the EF. We’ll also work in the low mass once in-a-while as the high mass is really a bigger challenge, taking so much longer and all. Some of you have mentioned the kids. The five year old has come to greatly appreciate the EF (even pretending to say Mass with bits of Latin), while I have a little more work to do with the 2.5 yr old who, this morning, said “A-Tin Mass, Ucky.” Ah well. Thanks again for all the sage advice and taking the time to help! May God bless you all!

Keep in mind that if your wife continues to prefer the Novus Ordo that is PERFECTLY FINE. She should not in any way be coerced by you or anyone else to have to prefer the EF.

 

[Lucky7]

First, thanks for all the help everyone! Today was the final week of our original plan of attending four EF’s in a row to give it a fair try (I got the idea from Dr. Taylor Marshall’s blog). I offered, as many here thought best, to can the experiment a week early, but the wife wanted to see the 4 wks through and (Deo gratias) she made it through the whole Mass (which went 2 hrs today)! Our baby slept the whole time, the five year old was good throughout and I was able to wrangle the 2.5 yr old (I had to pull him toward the end) so the wife was actually able to stay for the duration. She still prefers the OF but has come to better appreciate the EF over the course of the last month. She also really has taken to the priest at the EF parish, especially his sermons. We’ve decided to attend both the OF and the EF in the future, depending on how often the wife feels up to the EF. We’ll also work in the low mass once in-a-while as the high mass is really a bigger challenge, taking so much longer and all. Some of you have mentioned the kids. The five year old has come to greatly appreciate the EF (even pretending to say Mass with bits of Latin), while I have a little more work to do with the 2.5 yr old who, this morning, said “A-Tin Mass, Ucky.” Ah well. Thanks again for all the sage advice and taking the time to help! May God bless you all!

This is all sounds great. I think the bolded is key however. As much as I love Mass, I’m not sure I could do a 2 hour mass on the regular and I don’t have children.

 

[maryjk]

If she prefers the OF and he prefers the EF there is nothing wrong with, for example, her going to a Saturday evening anticipated Mass (OF) with the baby while he watches the other two and on Sunday him going with the 5 yo to the EF while she watches the other two. There is no reason to rule out an arrangement like that, just because it is “splitting up the family.” There may be other reasons that something like this does not work for them, but it is an option that they can consider.

Of course it is an option for them to consider. In my opinion a bad option, but an option nonetheless.

I don’t think it would be the way to help the OP’s wife to continue her faith journey and help her want to join the Church.

I also don’t think it is much of a compromise if every time she goes to Mass, she has to wrestle the baby.

But heck, maybe that is better for the wife than waiting in the car.

 

[TimothyH]

If she prefers the OF and he prefers the EF there is nothing wrong with, for example, her going to a Saturday evening anticipated Mass (OF) with the baby while he watches the other two and on Sunday him going with the 5 yo to the EF while she watches the other two. There is no reason to rule out an arrangement like that, just because it is “splitting up the family.” There may be other reasons that something like this does not work for them, but it is an option that they can consider.

I disagree with this in the strongest way. Splitting up the family is the biggest reason not to do it.

That’s what family is all about - doing things together, and there is nothing more important for a family than recieving the sacraments, praying together and worshipping together. These are the most important things a husband and wife will ever do for their own relationship and sanctity of the family.

And the children recieve graces just from being at Mass. Why in the world would one not bring an othewise normal child to Mass, even if it is to just sit in the cry room or stand in the narthex, and deny them the graces of being in the presence of Jesus Christ in the context of the Mass, is beyond me.

My personal experience is that the best behaved children are the one’s who’s parents seat them right in the front row every week from the earliest age. Priests love to look out and see the kids in the front row too.

-Tim-