What do you look for in a girlfriend/future wife?

[Sereta]

Or if married,what attracted you to your husband or wife?
I’m assuming on a Catholic forum,one answer would be similar morals or spirituality etc but what else like love at first site etc?
Is physical beauty what people seek most in a girlfriend?

 

[Usige]

Is physical beauty what people seek most in a girlfriend?

Not necessarily. I think there will be some level of physical attraction, but it might not be driven by physical beauty.

For example, when my wife and I started dating there was another girl in our circle that I though was gorgeous, but even though we were friends there was just something about her that I never found attractive. She wasn’t a witch or anything, but just some part of our personalities didn’t mesh. Many people would likely consider my wife to be more cute than a stunning beauty, but it is little quirks that I found more endearing than her looks. Don’t get me wrong, 23 years later I still find her attractive. I think its more that the flaws she doesn’t like about her appearance I just don’t notice because her looks at just one small aspect of her.

What was I looking for then? Someone who would date me. To be honest I don’t know that I could tell you what attracted me to her at first.

What I looked for (and found)?

• Someone who will be honest with me; even when I don’t want to hear the truth. Game players need not apply.
• Someone who could put their own wants aside to help me when I need it. That’s how I am so I wanted the same in a spouse.
• Someone that could accept my flaws without throwing them back in my face.

What’s funny is that some of the things I love my wife for are things that friends of mine would hate.I guess what I am saying is that what I looked for is not what all, or even most, guys want.

Like I tell my oldest kids, focus on being what you fell comfortable being and don’t try to be something you’re not. There might be 100 people who don’t like them for that, but chances are that there are several people out there looking for someone just like them.

 

[manualman]

You can’t force attraction if there isn’t any. But it can sneak up on you.

In my past I once was placed into a position where I had to work in youth ministry with a woman I wasn’t at all attracted to. Not a tiny bit. Worse, we were both single and I got definite vibes that she was attracted to me.

Fast forward a year when the project was done and we both moved on to different states. I discovered that a profound attraction had snuck up on me during the year. Long story short, I waited too long and missed my chance! The point is that attraction is necessary, but isn’t always determined by first impression.

Long term, what’s really important (IMO) is common faith commitment, compatible sense of humor, shared priorities in life (kids, finances, career goals), some shared fun interests and the ability to resolve conflicts reasonably.

Never get engaged unless you’ve had and well resolved some really big fights. Otherwise you’re still just infatuated!

 

[chevalier]

– Beauty

But it’s more in a sort of Greek sense, basically getting mixed up with goodness and spirituality, and even in terms of external, physical presence, it’s still not just the static look (so for example it’s in how a woman moves, not just her features).

‘Elective’ things also matter a lot, whic means things a person can choose (style, how she dresses, how she keeps her hair). They express where the person wants to be, which is more important than whatever assets the person was given at the start of her journey. An ‘ugly’ girl who dresses nicely, has nice hair, there is grace in her movements, has an inviting personality, is a strong contender in part precisely because of how she has overcome a certain lack of natural prettiness, so to say.

Plus, the older I am, the more I think that there aren’t really pretty or ugly women to a large extent. It’s either in the eye of the beholder or in the intention of the ‘beholdee’. Even ‘pretty’ women can be ‘ugly’ if they want to, and the opposite also can be achieved. It’s more like if matters whether she just simply wants to be pretty. Some women cast the impression of wanting to be seen as pretty but not wanting to be pretty, if you can read my meaning. The other thing is I have very little patience for turpism.

Also, many women are perhaps burned or otherwise afraid to be pretty or, well, beautiful. Perhaps self-esteem is at play there. So many women suffer from at least some problems in that regard.

— Character

I can be someone’s rock, but for a love interest I’m looking for someone who also has a certain strength and drive. Someone who can be admired.

I don’t have any single type, but my inclination lies with women you could actually describe as chivalrous (because in the broader sense it does include women). This mostly means magnanimous, true to her word, at least a good bit mind-over-body, pure (in the sense of where she chooses to be, rather than history), with a certain humility.

(On the other hand, I can put up with human vices such as an ego or an inclination to laziness, but, well, those are vices and not creeds to live by. This is the point.)

And caring, empathy.

— Being on the same page

If a friend calling with a different, less than good weather outside, a minor migraine or general meh mood is reason enough to call off a meeting or cut one short, then we aren’t on the same page. While I put the other person first, I expect some reciprocity, at least in principle.

This doesn’t even mean interest, it really is reciprocity and on a level that has more to do with politeness/courtesy/charity (including to a stranger one has no particular reason to care for) and culture than interest and flame.

— Actually being interested in me (or appreciative, or making me feel welcome)

Or something that makes up for it, such as respect and appreciation, which are basically essential, while interest is not. Welcome receptions perhaps need to be earned, but it doesn’t feel good to go where one’s presence isn’t appreciated.

I can sense revulsion, and I don’t want it there.

Merely being sexually interested (attracted) doesn’t count. Being there to talk does. This has more to do with what she thinks of me than with the tingles. And it has everything to do with choice.

— A sense of justice and, well, common sense

Intuitive rather than mathematical logic, and I don’t mean a whole ton of it. It’s more like no blatant double standards or whimsical decision-making that hurts other people.

Making the effort to treat others justly and to actually think counts.

A strong sense of justice and a good dose of common sense, where present, make me more attracted and appreciative.

Wisdom and intelligence help a lot and are definitely favourites but are not indispensable (strictly speaking). Same goes for knowledge and book smarts.

— Ability to rise above pragmatism

I actually appreciate shrewd decision-making, consequence, efficiency, good judgement, striking at the opportunity etc. But there’s also a higher type of pragmatism that rises above the typical earthly pragmatism. I know I’m not making much sense at this point but anyway. This ties in with the problem that men are apparently the more romantic gender right now.

There needs to be depth, and there need to be higher things. Plus, I’m looking for someone sensitive (being tough does not necessarily make one not sensitive), and not too earthly, physical or what you call it.