What do you put in your "Mass bag" for your little children?

[retire_early]

Ah yes, well. I did take it very personally. I was the one who suggested the paper and pencils or pens. And I disagree with that suggestion, which, by the by, I did not take personally.

This poster claimed that “always” this leads to pew vandalism It definitely can and does lead to indentations and scars in the wood. and further snarkily said that conveniently we irresponsible moms never help clean up. No I did not. I said I never see ads in the church bulletin asking for volunteer groups to refinish the pews.

Did I misread that?
But it got better.
It is unmitigated gall to state that moms these days are all failures because of our choice to do these things like Mass bag. Never stated this. It is, in fact, older mother who have passed this wisdom down to us new Moms.
And, really, after spending hundreds of hours a *week *Hundreds–Really? volunteering time and money and effort to maintain the last dying Catholic church in my community I do, very much get peeved when these kind of unwarranted attacks are made.

Since there’s less than two hundred hours in a week, total, it might be time to stop volunteering so much and get some rest. My point was that kids don’t need to be entertained constantly and Mass is only an hour. However, mommamaree reminded me earlier that this thread is limited to suggestions as to what to put in the “Mass bag”, so I apologize for being off topic.

 

[mommamaree]

I’m admittedly a really light traveler, but it seems to me that with all the junk that is necessary to get my ONE kid out of the house (diaper bag, bottle, binkie, blanket, socks that won’t stay on, bonnet…) adding an entire bag of junk for her to play with is counterproductive. I don’t even want to think about doing this for three or four kids! I just grab whatever non-electronic-noise-making-object she is most infatuated with at the moment and head for the door. It’s just an hour for heaven’s sake. It seems to me that most toddlers I’ve looked after have some sort of quiet-time object like a doll, stuffy, or blanket that ought to get the job done. I know it won’t make me the talk of pintrest, but it seems to work. Why make it complicated?

What is the objection here? That someone else carries in a tiny bag with a rosary, holy cards, a stuffed lamb the size of her palm? While grown ups get to carry a wallet, keys, their own rosaries and Anima Christi holy card? I am not making it complicated.

Edited to add: you say you have one child. I have four. It is much easier to get one child to sit still than it is to get four to sit still. Yet, I do not need to bring a diaper bag in. I have a diaper changing bag in the car and that is where it stays. The Mass bag comes in with us as the only extra thing we need for a family of six for one hour of Mass, and only contains holy things, no toys. So really, where is the objection?

 

[mommamaree]

Holy cow, what churches do you go to where “mean old people” are giving you and your kids dirty looks when they coo?? And you know “many moms” who don’t go to church any more because of other peoples opinions?? Hmmm, something just ain’t adding up. Gonna take a little more than that to keep me from going to mass. Oh, and just a friendly reminder, this is an open forum and we are all entitled to give our “honest opinion”, we do not need to ask your permission. And just for the record, a world where kids sat still in mass did exist, trust me, the nuns at my school made sure of it.

My parish is one of those parishes. I have actually had to physically defend my son from a cranky middle aged woman who came and put her hands on my son and got in his face and squeezed his knees and told him to be quiet (when he was not making any noise). She had already chased us around the building, not satisfied with our presence in any location. We barely made it through Mass. After Mass, she put her hands on my husband to tell him off for having such a poorly behaved family, grabbing his lapels.

So the assumption that this sort of stuff never happens is clearly wrong. It happens a lot, and it was my own stubbornness and determination to repay evil with good that kept us going to that parish, and indeed to Mass at all. That was not our only experience like that, merely the most memorable.

 

[white_sheep]

I think perhaps the biggest confusion here is just what age children we’re talking about. Allegra seems to be talking about an infant and retire early and Dailey seem to be thinking of school aged children. I’m thinking 5 and under. The higher end of that range maybe you can expect more from. We have 2, at 2.5 and 4.25. The older one is doing better and the baby has generally been easier.

Again, they’re all different, and I don’t think everyone really understands what that means. Just because something works for your kid or kids doesn’t mean it will work for anyone else’s. For my kids, if you think it is remotely possible for them to sit still for an hour and be quiet without any toys or something to do, that’s what I call an unrealistic expectation.

My two are at opposite ends of the personality scale. They were like that from day one.

 

[mommamaree]

I think perhaps the biggest confusion here is just what age children we’re talking about. Allegra seems to be talking about an infant and retire early and Dailey seem to be thinking of school aged children. I’m thinking 5 and under. The higher end of that range maybe you can expect more from. We have 2, at 2.5 and 4.25. The older one is doing better and the baby has generally been easier.

Again, they’re all different, and I don’t think everyone really understands what that means. Just because something works for your kid or kids doesn’t mean it will work for anyone else’s. For my kids, if you think it is remotely possible for them to sit still for an hour and be quiet without any toys or something to do, that’s what I call an unrealistic expectation.

My two are at opposite ends of the personality scale. They were like that from day one.

Yes, I have always been clear that I have several very young children. My oldest, who is old enough to receive Communion now, does not use any objects except her keepsake missal. My kindergartener has his little notepad. But my baby and preschooler use the Mass bag. This has been our method for four years. It works to train their bodies and minds to be still and focused on holy things. And the fact that some people object to that, to a mother dutifully training her offspring, at Mass, as the culmination of daily catechesis and practice of prayers, where the Rosary and holy cards and books of saints and holy things form a vital component of training pre-readers…Well, all I can say is that it fits into my American experience of motherhood. Every thing mothers do is called into question and apparently it is an important part of our culture to condemn the efforts of mothers, even by other mothers!
Gone are the days when the general assumption is that a mother would know best the needs of her own children, and how best to teach and train them. We have all been conditioned to see each other as adversaries. I have given this a lot of thought and when I grow old (hopefully I will have the joy of being a grandma!) I want to be that sweet old lady who offers stickers to kids after Mass, and who goes up to young families and oohs and aahs over their babies and tells them how much their presence brightened my day and gets to know them by name so I can greet them regularly. I want to make families feel welcome. I want kids to know they are wanted and enjoyed, and that they are not just a mark on the pew waiting to happen.

 

[InspiritCarol]

Since there’s less than two hundred hours in a week, total, it might be time to stop volunteering so much and get some rest. …

God please save us from mean people!

I was counting my husband and I (marriage does that to some people) together we do:

We do too much to mention.

My kids are at Church for 3-4 hours on any given Sunday. Mass at our church can be between 1.5 - 2 hours.

Why do we do it? It’s all old people at our church. None of their kids go to Church and the old people say they have “done their time”. We stopped “doing” to try to get people to step up, and the place literally fell apart.

I don’t need to justify myself to you (God knows). Any prayers for my parish are appreciated.

I will stop volunteering when God tells me to stop volunteering: not you, “retire early”, or anyone on this forum.

 

[Allegra]

What is the objection here? That someone else carries in a tiny bag with a rosary, holy cards, a stuffed lamb the size of her palm? While grown ups get to carry a wallet, keys, their own rosaries and Anima Christi holy card? I am not making it complicated.

Edited to add: you say you have one child. I have four. It is much easier to get one child to sit still than it is to get four to sit still. Yet, I do not need to bring a diaper bag in. I have a diaper changing bag in the car and that is where it stays. The Mass bag comes in with us as the only extra thing we need for a family of six for one hour of Mass, and only contains holy things, no toys. So really, where is the objection?

I don’t object to YOU doing it. I’m just saying, it doesn’t sound beneficial to ME at all. It just sounds like an extra thing to pack up and haul around. It does seem more complicated than just taking the standard comfort object for a small child. You are taking the trouble to ask others what objects you should pack along with the objects you already find sufficient for the purpose of keeping kids quiet. Already, that’s more effort than I’d care to spend. I haven’t got the option of leaving the diaper bag in the car because my parish is an long drive away, my husband is the choir director and so we have to get there quite early, and the chances of me needing it before we leave are pretty high. However, that’s still one thing that you have to at least pack in the car. In addition, we usually go visiting friends or family, or picknicking, or hiking, or something after Mass, so I often have to pack stuff for that as well. So, in answer to your question, which presumes that a “Mass bag” is standard equipment that all parents would want to have, I have to say, “Nothing. I don’t have a Mass bag and I don’t really think I want one.”

 

[Allegra]

And the fact that some people object to that, to a mother dutifully training her offspring, at Mass, as the culmination of daily catechesis and practice of prayers, where the Rosary and holy cards and books of saints and holy things form a vital component of training pre-readers…Well, all I can say is that it fits into my American experience of motherhood. Every thing mothers do is called into question and apparently it is an important part of our culture to condemn the efforts of mothers, even by other mothers!

Oh, don’t let’s play the victim. No one’s condemned you. You can take whatever stuff you want, anywhere you want to go and I highly doubt anyone else could care less. (As long as you clean it up when you leave.) The fact that you find it personally insulting when other parents say they don’t have the time or the inclination to do the exact same thing you do, or that they have a way that works better for them, speaks to your issue and not theirs. The parishes are full of happy children who participate in the Mass without the use of a “Mass bag” and they have been for the last two millenia. If other people don’t want to don’t want to use your idea, that doesn’t mean they are judging you as a mother. Your American experience of motherhood seems to be warped by insecurity.

 

[MomaMary8]

I think perhaps the biggest confusion here is just what age children we’re talking about. Allegra seems to be talking about an infant and retire early and Dailey seem to be thinking of school aged children. I’m thinking 5 and under. The higher end of that range maybe you can expect more from. We have 2, at 2.5 and 4.25. The older one is doing better and the baby has generally been easier.

Again, they’re all different, and I don’t think everyone really understands what that means. Just because something works for your kid or kids doesn’t mean it will work for anyone else’s. For my kids, if you think it is remotely possible for them to sit still for an hour and be quiet without any toys or something to do, that’s what I call an unrealistic expectation.

My two are at opposite ends of the personality scale. They were like that from day one.

Yes, perhaps this is the root of some nastiness on this thread. Some seem to be overly sensitive and I’d like to remind them that suggestions from those who have “been there, done that” may be meant in an encouraging way as some one with experience to share. Also, a think I remember an older and wiser person once told me, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” You do not need to respond to every post that you disagree with or feel have been slighted by.

As for the original question that is the title of the post, in my purse (the only bag I bring) I had a diaper. The other items in my purse were the normal wallet, toiletries, etc. The ages of my kids in the pew today? 2, 3, 5, 7, 10. Sorry, I have not suggestions or ideas of what else to put in a bag besides maybe diaper wipes

 

[mommamaree]

Oh, don’t let’s play the victim. No one’s condemned you. You can take whatever stuff you want, anywhere you want to go and I highly doubt anyone else could care less. (As long as you clean it up when you leave.) The fact that you find it personally insulting when other parents say they don’t have the time or the inclination to do the exact same thing you do, or that they have a way that works better for them, speaks to your issue and not theirs. The parishes are full of happy children who participate in the Mass without the use of a “Mass bag” and they have been for the last two millenia. If other people don’t want to don’t want to use your idea, that doesn’t mean they are judging you as a mother. Your American experience of motherhood seems to be warped by insecurity.

Allegra,

Please stop. I am neither defensive nor angry. I have my own methods and my own experiences. I asked you a question about what was your objection. This thread is about ideas for a parent to put in the Mass bag. If you don’t use a Mass bag, then WHY are you posting here. You have expressed objections, and have accused me of playing the victim and of being insecure.
I am a homeschooling parent, who previously taught at a Christian school, so doing little things to engage the mind and the heart of children gives me such a thrill. THAT is why I started this thread, to communicate with others who share the same perspective. I was not asking for why I should not take a bag, or demanding to know why others do not take a bag, or demanding you leave your diaper bag in the car (I was merely saying that I do not have to carry that in in addition to our little bag of items).
I do not object to what other parents do. I am merely interested in ideas for this for my little ones to do. You do what works for you. I have no opinion whatsoever. Please, keep your own opinions, about what is too much, about my character, about my experience, to yourself.

 

[white_sheep]

Yes, perhaps this is the root of some nastiness on this thread. Some seem to be overly sensitive and I’d like to remind them that suggestions from those who have “been there, done that” may be meant in an encouraging way as some one with experience to share. Also, a think I remember an older and wiser person once told me, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” You do not need to respond to every post that you disagree with or feel have been slighted by.

As for the original question that is the title of the post, in my purse (the only bag I bring) I had a diaper. The other items in my purse were the normal wallet, toiletries, etc. The ages of my kids in the pew today? 2, 3, 5, 7, 10. Sorry, I have not suggestions or ideas of what else to put in a bag besides maybe diaper wipes

So how do you keep them quiet/still/good?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll take any ideas involving an object or not. The bag o’ stuff is only marginally effective for us anyway. Usually we can keep the little one occupied for 5 minutes at a time a few times, no luck today. The older one might color for 20 minutes and look at a book for a while. She will usually be fairly good the rest of the time, only needing intervention about every 30 seconds. The 2.5 year old is more of a constant fight.

 

[Allegra]

So how do you keep them quiet/still/good?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll take any ideas involving an object or not. The bag o’ stuff is only marginally effective for us anyway. Usually we can keep the little one occupied for 5 minutes at a time a few times, no luck today. The older one might color for 20 minutes and look at a book for a while. She will usually be fairly good the rest of the time, only needing intervention about every 30 seconds. The 2.5 year old is more of a constant fight.

At 2.5, it might be to the point where you start transitioning from distracting her with non-related activities and objects to involving her in the Mass. My sister’s child was really a handful at that age, but she was normally melt-down free at Mass because her grandma had taught her to sing all the responses. She would sit quietly in anticipation, except for when she kept asking when she could sing “her songs”. Most children like to sing so that is a good way to involve them and most of the responses are short enough that they can be easily memorized. Then you can let her play with her church toy during the homily.

 

[MomaMary8]

So how do you keep them quiet/still/good?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll take any ideas involving an object or not. The bag o’ stuff is only marginally effective for us anyway. Usually we can keep the little one occupied for 5 minutes at a time a few times, no luck today. The older one might color for 20 minutes and look at a book for a while.** She will usually be fairly good the rest of the time, only needing intervention about every 30 seconds**. The 2.5 year old is more of a constant fight.

Too funny!! That just tickled my funny bone.

I wish I could say I had a magic formula that helped in teaching my kids how to properly behave in mass, but I’m afraid I don’t. All I can do is tell you what we did and how we approach things.

One thing I’m sure you notice is that children follow your example. If you make a swirl of the cross when you bless yourself, so will they. I’m sure you do not do it, but I bet you’ve seen the kids follow parents with a half genuflection and swirl of the hand…they think that’s how its done. Same thing goes for good behavior. Never chat with your neighbor or spouse…your child will see that it’s time to chat. Show your reverence and adoration of our Lord in the Tabernacle. They’ll learn to love our Lord and see that you are talking/praying to your loved one. Hush with a reminder and little gesture to the altar/tabernacle that you are talking with God right now.

Manners and consideration are the name of the game. Do your children see you pray quietly at home? Let them see you during your quiet prayer time and when they try to interrupt, scoop them in your lap and whisper that you are praying, and then whisper the prayer with them in their ear. Teach them to be quiet and respectful when they see you pray and when they see your spouse pray.

Do you allow them to interrupt you in conversations at home? Don’t. They will soon understand the conversation you are having with God during mass and that others are doing the same. Make them wait and be quiet when adults talk. That is just good manners and a lesson in respect to others that must be taught when young. Rude disrespectful teenagers don’t happen over night. They are older kids that have been allowed to be the center of attention and have been given full rights to be interuptive when they so choose. As soon as the begin to talk, they need to learn the words “please,” “excuse me” and “thank you.” They soon learn to be quiet when it is appropriate.

This helps during the parts of the mass when the priest is talking. “Shh. Father is talking, we need to listen.”

Make day trips to church to visit our Lord. This is the best time to teach a proper genuflection where you can instruct a little better without a crowd trying to get past you to their pew. You can teach them to kneel as they pray their favorite prayer and then how to sit in silence for a bit. First day may be 30 sec. Next day it may be 1 minute. Soon they’ll be able to wait for quite a while as their mommy talks to God. Maybe they’ll learn to talk and listen to God as well.

For squirmers? They love to squirm Sit where they will be enthralled to watch something. Sometimes its the first pew, sometimes its the organist, sometimes its the teenagers behind you. It takes time and lots of time. I always nursed the baby, but usually in the cry room so I could feel comfortable. At about a 1 my nursing was decreased and the baby would begin to stay the whole time in the church (I’d start in the church and would leave when I had to nurse.) Baby would be passed between us to keep him happy until about age 2 and he would be taken out of the mass when he got too noisy. They just soon began to behave and sit quietly so that by age three, they know how to stay quiet in mass.

One time my kids got in the habit of needing to use the restroom during mass. (They were ages 4, 5, 7,8.) I caught on and instituted the rule that they would have to put a dollar into the collection basket the following week’s mass if they left to use the restroom during mass again… The next time we went, they all made sure to make a stop before mass began! Now I still have the child who will need to go…they’re little, but habits form quickly and they need to have a little motivation for proper behavior. I don’t charge for every bathroom trip, but they know I will if I see bathroom breaks being abused. Misbehavior is punished when we get home…they may have to eat an alternate breakfast (oatmeal rather than our Sunday Feast) or the trip for donuts cancelled. Whatever it is, a consequence happens at home if they are disruptive at mass. I always keep in mind their age. Two year olds are being taught, 3 year olds are a bit more cognizant of their actions and can be given consequences.

I’m not sure if I helped, but that’s how we approach it. Manners at home lead to manners at mass (our second home )

 

[white_sheep]

Those are all good pointers, and I have to say we do most of them. Sitting in the front doesn’t help with ours as far as I can tell as we went to a parish with the cry room right up front and they wouldn’t pay attention. May give the actual front row a shot again.

I just had an idea. I could try your idea of explaining that church is like prayer time(during which they are expected to either participate or be quiet), but even more special, and then take them up to church for daily mass or adoration. Kind of like training seminars, and the extra frequency might help. Especially if daily mass is in the church and not a chapel.

 

[MomaMary8]

Those are all good pointers, and I have to say we do most of them. Sitting in the front doesn’t help with ours as far as I can tell as we went to a parish with the cry room right up front and they wouldn’t pay attention. May give the actual front row a shot again.

I joked with friend in front with her 5 kids. We were giving the church an “in-stereo-experience.” Her’s chattered in the front while mine chattered in the back that day. I mentioned it as it seems to work for some. I don’t think it works for all.

I just had an idea. I could try your idea of explaining that church is like prayer time(during which they are expected to either participate or be quiet), but even more special, and then take them up to church for daily mass or adoration. Kind of like training seminars, and the extra frequency might help. Especially if daily mass is in the church and not a chapel.

YES! Exactly! Mass is prayer and prayer is talking to God. We have to teach our kids how to have conversations with God and how to respect others who are in conversations with God. Just like we take our kids out to dinner to experience what its like to eat in “nice” places, and take them to parties where they thank the host(ess) and treat their furniture well (no jumping on grandmas’ couch!) we have to do little trips to church to teach them the niceties of Church Manners.

Awesome! I hope it works for you. Don’t expect perfection from your little ones. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase that you are raising future adults and that is what you have to keep in mind. They are a work in progress and the final goal is an adult that loves and worships Our Lord! If a picture book is what it takes for your little one to get through the homily, so be it. Just give yourself and your children time to grow.

 

[smallcat]

OK, I skipped past all the in-fighting and here are my suggestions, in case anyone is actually interested in those at this point:

With 6 kids, we don’t do crayons anymore. Someone’s always getting mad because the other has the green one, or the red one rolls under the pew, and it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Instead I bring a couple of plain pencils or retractable pens (no lost caps) and a few small memo-sized notebooks. Each kid can have his own and I encourage them to draw things they see at church, or something they think Father is talking about. We read the gospel reading before church (sometimes on the way to Mass) so they can hopefully “get” what is being said a little easier.

We have a subscription to the Magnifikid, which is great for the 6-10 yo range, depending on when your kid starts reading. They can follow along with the Mass and there is often a Mass-related activity on the back (word search, maze, etc) that they enjoy.

A couple of short “Lives of the Saints” type books with lots of pictures. My toddlers always loved the kinds with lift-up flaps (no pop-ups- those get destroyed easily) and it kept them entertained for a while.

The toddler gets a sippy cup of water only and no one gets food- again, there’s always fighting in my family over it but when I only had one or two we allowed Cheerios and it was fine.

At our old parish, I made a “book” which was really just laminated pictures of different sacramentals and objects in the actualy sanctuary. The 2 to 4-year-olds really liked using that as an “I spy” kind of game: Try to find the picture of Mother Mary! Do you see the big lectionary?

Just some ideas… please, go back to arguing now…