What do you say to parents whose child has been killed?

[Kynos]

My neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter was last night tragically killed by a car as she crossed the road from her school bus stop to where her mother was waiting. Her mother saw the entire accident. It was a pure freak that it happened. The parked bus appears to have obscured the car driver’s view of her until it was too late.

I’m right now dreading the prospect of going to the family’s house and the church tomorrow to offer condolences, yet of course I must. Aside from my simple fear of seeing people in such a maelstrom of grief and tragedy, I can think of nothing to say that wouldn’t be trite, useless, insulting, and/or pointless. I cannot think of anything appropriate to say to her mother and father tomorrow. Is there truly anything that anyone can say to a parent in such an appalling context? Is there anything sensible at all?

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Here are two phrases that should be memorized by people seeking to offer condolences:

• “I am so sorry.”
• “Is there anything I can do to help you during this difficult time?”

After that, just listen to whatever the bereaved person wants to say. If he doesn’t want to say anything, give him your presence. If he wants to sit alone, see if there is anything at the house that needs to be done (e.g., answering the door, clearing away dishes, putting away food). Later, after you’re home, take out your nicest writing paper (not a “sympathy card”) and write the parents a condolence letter. You can repeat the phrases above, and include a favorite memory of the deceased or something special you’ll remember about her. If you are giving a memorial gift in her name, mention it.

The main thing to remember is to avoid offering platitudes (“It’ll get better”), speculation (“I’m sure she didn’t suffer”), words of wisdom (“She’s with God now”), or advice (“I know of a great grief counselor for you”). In other words, focus on the needs of your grieving friends and not on yourself, and you should do well.