What do you say to people you know who have stopped attending the Mass?

[HelenRose]

What do you say to people you know who have stopped attending the Mass? I live in a small city and I regularly run into people I have met or I actually know from my parish who no longer attend Mass there.

If we begin a conversation I’ll nicely and quietly ask if they changed Masses or parishes? Most of the time they have either changed the Mass or parish they attend and that’s that. If they’ve moved on to another parish I will ask them what they think of it, etc.

If they have stopped attending Mass I will patiently listen to their story (if it’s forthcoming) and ask if there is anything in addition to prayer that I can do for them? Otherwise “those souls who have stopped attending the Mass” remain on my prayer list and I have a Mass celebrated once a year on St. Jude the Apostle’s Feast Day (October 28) for their collective intentions.

What do you do if anything under these situations?

“Hi. I sure have missed you at Mass. Is everything okay?”

 

[ConfusedLucy]

It’s very dependent on the relationship but I sometimes try to just bring church up in general conversation. In my case it’s non-Catholic friends but I still feel called to encourage them to practice their faith.

 

[wild_thing]

Minding one’s business does not mean not showing any concern for them. On the contrary. If the person is really not going to Mass because of a spiritual crisis, then the best thing would simply to say “let’s do coffee together!” And then just chat. The real reason may come out, then you can engage. Or it may not. Either way pray for them and tell them that you are praying and thinking of them.

And if they do choose to engage, the best thing is to just listen actively and with empathy, and assure them of your prayers. The latter shows you’re still engaged with the faith and is a subtle way of keeping them connected as well. Sometimes we can become so overwhelmed by events or a personal crisis that we neglect our spiritual life. Stuff happens and if the person is in such a crisis, your own prayers for them will take over from theirs will carry them through until the storm clouds clear.

There are so many gentle ways to evangelize. We must remember too that if the person is having a crisis of some kind, the sin of missing Mass is likely not mortal. For instance some people have been directly and personally affected by the abuse scandals. I saw such a person have a complete breakdown in a spiritual workshop I was leading. It was frightening.

If one meddles too much, one can trigger such a crisis. Few of us are trained to deal with it. I was fortunate that my wife, a physician, was in my group and was able to assist.

We need to stick to our pay grade, if we have no pastoral authority over the person either as pastor or parent.

This was more what I was thinking of. When you wrote, “I mind my own business”, I was thinking you meant not saying anything whatsoever to them. If Suzy Q goes to daily mass every Friday and suddenly you notice she hasn’t been there in a while and you bump into her at the grocery store or wherever, then I don’t see how it would be intrusive to say “Hi Suzy! I haven’t seen you at Friday mass in a while! How are you doing?” And then base your response on whatever she says. If she’s going to another parish, fine. End of subject. If she lost her license and can’t get to mass, offer her a ride. If she has a particular beef with the Church, listen to what she has to say. That’s all. I guess I don’t see how that is offensive?

 

[Solomonson]

This was more what I was thinking of. When you wrote, “I mind my own business”, I was thinking you meant not saying anything whatsoever to them. If Suzy Q goes to daily mass every Friday and suddenly you notice she hasn’t been there in a while and you bump into her at the grocery store or wherever, then I don’t see how it would be intrusive to say “Hi Suzy! I haven’t seen you at Friday mass in a while! How are you doing?” And then base your response on whatever she says. If she’s going to another parish, fine. End of subject. If she lost her license and can’t get to mass, offer her a ride. If she has a particular beef with the Church, listen to what she has to say. That’s all. I guess I don’t see how that is offensive?

You’re right, it’s not offensive. Some of the retorts on this thread are puzzling? As long as one practices proper tact, there shouldn’t be a problem.

 

[OraLabora]

You’re right, it’s not offensive. Some of the retorts on this thread are puzzling? As long as one practices proper tact, there shouldn’t be a problem.

If you asked me the question, no matter how tactfully, you would be met by silence and the evil stare. I like my private life to be just that, private. Some questions, like “are you guys planning for another baby” are inappropriate no matter how tactfully asked, and I consider how I worship to be one of those.

As I said above, if it was someone I knew well enough to go out for a coffee, I’d invite them out and would just chat. But I would never ask why I haven’t seen them at Mass. if they volunteered themselves to broach the topic, I would listen sympathetically, but would not offer advice unless asked. I would upon parting say that I will keep them in my prayers. To me that says plenty about God being out there, and that He wants to keep engaged with Him.

I’m neither a pastor, nor a psychologist. I leave the ministering to ministers, and instead provide Christian fellowship and empathy. That is within my pay grade.