What do you think gets people attracted to commitment-phobics?

[chevalier]

Another junk science project, in the true tradition of professionalism and peer review of Internet message boards.

On a more serious note, some people have a track record of running into commitment phobics. This may be just an accident or it may not. What do you think?

Example: I’ve heard a theory according to which people have some kind of subonscious mechanism that makes them pick unavailable targets because it is they who also have some kind of fear of commitment. On the other hand, they actually don’t know that their targets are commitment phobic (habitually or due to a recent trauma), hence the theory doesn’t seem to hold water in my opinion.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Three reasons off the top of my head:

Some people are drawn to the challenge of capturing the unattainable. It’s not unusual for them to experience much disappointment and heartache in their pursuits.

Others have the notion that they’ll be “the one” to change someone’s ways. These people are usually tragically misguided and tend to lurch from one bad relationship to the next.

Still others are commitmentphobic themselves, for whatever reason, and seek like-minded individuals so they themselves won’t be forced to settle down.

Luna

 

[joshvanrad]

Loving the hard-to-love parts of people.

I suffer from that which you speak.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[ack]

Paradoxically, commitment-phobics seem more emotionally available in the beginning. At first, they ‘open up’ more easily, maybe because they lack other avenues for emotional release due to their commitment-phobia.

It isn’t until you know a commitment-phobic for a while that he or she finally begins to withdraw.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

I personally think those attracted to commitment phobics have issues with commitment as well. I think they “know” on some level that the relationship will stay safe. My thing is, regardless of what causes it, are commitment phobes ever really cured? Or, is it something they always struggle with?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

They say they want someone to love them, but they don’t believe they are lovable so the only people that “feel” right are people who won’t love them.

Make sense?

Story of my life…

 

[chevalier]

Three reasons off the top of my head:

Some people are drawn to the challenge of capturing the unattainable. It’s not unusual for them to experience much disappointment and heartache in their pursuits.

Others have the notion that they’ll be “the one” to change someone’s ways. These people are usually tragically misguided and tend to lurch from one bad relationship to the next.

Still others are commitmentphobic themselves, for whatever reason, and seek like-minded individuals so they themselves won’t be forced to settle down.

Luna

Thank you, Luna. How conscious or subconscious do you think #3 is? If subconscious, how would those people manage to get attracted before learning that the other is commitment-phobic? I suspect that would require being attracted, for example, to some kinds of flirting behaviour that are unique to commitment-phobics and may attract those who fear commitment on a subconscious level, without realising it…

Paradoxically, commitment-phobics seem more emotionally available in the beginning. At first, they ‘open up’ more easily, maybe because they lack other avenues for emotional release due to their commitment-phobia.

A darn good point, that. I suspected something might be in the demeanour. A bit like with the superficial charm of NPDs.

It isn’t until you know a commitment-phobic for a while that he or she finally begins to withdraw.

I’ve had it happen early too. Sometimes something like a first or second date or one day into a relationship.

They say they want someone to love them, but they don’t believe they are lovable so the only people that “feel” right are people who won’t love them.

Make sense?

Story of my life…

Got me thinking.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Got me thinking.

Also, one can spend one’s whole life trying to squeeze blood from a turnip, which can seem like a worthwhile project and one which has every hope of succeeding. “Maybe if I…” “If only I could…” “Once he is more secure, then he will…” etc. etc. etc.

I suspect that if my DH turned into the man I say I want him to be, I would have to face my own demons and recognize that I don’t know how to accept deep and giving love. I can sacrifice, but I don’t do well at receiving. Am I really worth that love, that devotion? I know I want it with all my heart, but my paradigm is not getting it.

But always having hope of getting it.

KWIM?

 

[chevalier]

KWIM?

Yes, I do. It sounds logical actually.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Thank you, Luna. How conscious or subconscious do you think #3 is? If subconscious, how would those people manage to get attracted before learning that the other is commitment-phobic? I suspect that would require being attracted, for example, to some kinds of flirting behaviour that are unique to commitment-phobics and may attract those who fear commitment on a subconscious level, without realising it…

I’m neither a social scientist or psychologist, but from watching people I know who do this, I’d have to say it’s most subconscious. I don’t think commitment-phobes necessarily flirt differently, but I think they engage in certain behavior patterns; for example they change jobs frequently, are impulsive or are always going after the new, the hip, the now! Stuff like that.

I believe that there are people who have a nose for seeking out commitment-phobes, just like there are people seem to always seek out relationships with people who need saving - alcoholics, shopaholics, rageaholics, and the like. I think if you boiled all of it back it comes down to behavior patterns learned as a child and what was internalized from watching the relationship between one’s parents or other close family members.

Luna

 

[Just_Lurking]

Is there an actual psychiatric diagnosis for “commitmentphobia”?

I always thought that when your partner says, “I don’t want to get married,” what they really mean is “I don’t want to get married to you.”

 

[chevalier]

Is there an actual psychiatric diagnosis for “commitmentphobia”?

I doubt that. However, actual phobias and fears come in a lot of not specifically named varieties. It would probably be something like, “patients suffers from a fear of commitment.” It would probably almost always be part of a larger problem, which might well be a diagnosable personality issue.

I always thought that when your partner says, “I don’t want to get married,” what they really mean is “I don’t want to get married to you.”

In most cases probably yes but not always. Some people do fear the limitation of their freedom, the gravity of a life-long promise or even a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of promise. Many fear exposing themselves to the possibility of being hurt by someone else. But in my experience it tends to come down to the “to you” part.

 

[JoArtist]

Well what I found in the past was that many commitment-phobes didn’t advertise that they were them. Many I found thought they weren’t. I find also many young guys I have talked to (under age 25 or so) tend to just be looking for a good time/ don’t believe in marriage. It is a pretty common sentiment especially with the high divorce rates in this country. I can think of maybe 2 friends that have parents that aren’t divorced.

One guy that I dated for a year and a half didn’t even want to start calling me his girlfriend until we had been together for almost a year. Right before he broke up with me, we talked about marriage and he seemed receptive, then he broke up with me with the excuse that he asked the elders at his Church about me and they told him to break up with me and never talk to me again.

 

[joshvanrad]

One guy that I dated for a year and a half didn’t even want to start calling me his girlfriend until we had been together for almost a year. Right before he broke up with me, we talked about marriage and he seemed receptive, then he broke up with me with the excuse that he asked the elders at his Church about me and they told him to break up with me and never talk to me again.

That sounds all too familiar.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I don’t know. I always seem to end up with commit phobic or manipulative guys. A friend told me yesterday it’s probably the maternal part of me. I have a strong maternal instinct and always end up taking care of people. I guess somehow guys sense this. I also tend to take on more then I should and before I know it I’m doing more then my share in the relationship just always seems to end up that way no matter how I try to change it.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Paradoxically, commitment-phobics seem more emotionally available in the beginning. At first, they ‘open up’ more easily, maybe because they lack other avenues for emotional release due to their commitment-phobia.

It isn’t until you know a commitment-phobic for a while that he or she finally begins to withdraw.

Yes I’ve notice this too.