What does God want of me?

[coolduude]

I can’t figure Him out. Let me explain myself:

I dated this wonderful, wonderful girl for four months. She ended it for several reasons back in June. However, we had decided from the outset to try to figure out if we were compatible with each other. In other words, this was a real relationship, with a purpose, not one that was based on nothingness (I hope that makes sense ). I prayed daily to be able to see God’s will for us; what He had in store for us. When she ended it those prayers did not stop.

Now I am just confused by God. I don’t know what He wants. Most people would say His will is staring me in the face- that we will not be together and I should give up; find someone else. I don’t believe that, but it’s probably due to a skewed view of free will and God’s lack of ability to alter it. I don’t believe breaking up was neccesarily His will, for He cannot control people. Furthermore, I have yet to hear anything distinctive from God. He isn’t coming in clear to me. In other prayers I hear a pretty definitive yes or definitive no. In this, I hear silence.

I guess my question, then, is how do I discern what He wants?
Also, what role did God have in my breakup (if any)? Sorry for the silly question
Lastly, what is God’s role in all of this?

I must say, this is the most confused I’ve been in quite a while.

Here are my praying habits/schedule, if that will change any answers:
-Mass every day if possible, which is usually 3 or 4 days a week, including Sundays. Reception of the Eucharist included
-Confession when needed.
-Prayer in Church and before bed every day.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Coolduude

Feel free to ask questions!

 

[Margie9]

Hiding in your post filled with talk about God, prayer and all those good things, about which you are clearly sincere and devoted, I detect a small voice that seems to be the real issue, if I may be so bold. It goes like this:

“I want my girlfriend back.”

There is nothing mysterious or spiritually complicated. You’re normal. God is not going to give you an engraved card with instructions. This is your life and he wants you to live it.

It’s up to you how you wish to pursue the matter, but don’t passively expect God to solve it. Give the lady a call, tell her you miss her and would she like to just have a casual coffee? Or send her a little gift with a note that you miss her. You will know your own style. Or, maybe upon reflection you’ll decide to let go of the relationship. Any of these things are OK, but let it come from your heart and mind, not some vague and esoteric idea of God’s will.

Best of luck to you, I know it is a struggle.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

I can’t say whether the desire to have your exgirlfriend back is a good desire or not. Many if not most times it is a bad, irrational desire that arises when the other person breaks off the relationship contrary to our own desires and that we have to fight, or at least not act on. Often, probably most often, we just have to let them go. Not all the time though, so I can’t give you real advice there.

On a more theological level, God does include people’s free choices in his eternal plan of predestination. In exactly what sense and what logical order He does this is highly disputed, but the end result is that things that are His plan (whether ordained for themselves or only permitted for the sake of a greater good) take place through the free agency of creatures. It’s God’s providence that you find yourself single right now. Whether you are meant to get back together with this girl, or find another one, or live a celibate life, your current state of life is indeed something to take into account in your discernment.

 

[Trishie]

It is very painful to lose someone who has become your hope and dream for the future.
It’s hard to let go of the emotions and the dream when we lose the person.
Others have free will as do we.
God does not determine their choice, they and we make the choice whether or not to commit to anyone particular person whether they are right for us or not.
God can’t force anyone’s will, but if we hang on to the dream in the face of reality, the person we harm is ourselves. Praying to get her back won’t happen if she doesn’t want that. And if someone is bound to us when they don’t wish to be, there is only suffering for both and possible disaster.

I’m sorry that you are suffering.

God gave us life and talents and intelligence, and we are not pre-programmed robots. We need to make the wise and moral choices and opportunities in our lives to use both our lives and talents well, and also to use our intellectual and emotional intelligence in finding the best person with whom to share our lives. This is dependent also upon the other’s choices. Most us us have persons in the past that we dreamed a future with, even lovely persons, but th dream failed and we have to go forward and find a new dream. If we do so in accordance to the commandments, and commonsense and wisdom, God’s grace will be there. Even when we make the wrong choice, and many couples do, then God will also provide necessary grace.

 

[coolduude]

Hiding in your post filled with talk about God, prayer and all those good things, about which you are clearly sincere and devoted, I detect a small voice that seems to be the real issue, if I may be so bold. It goes like this:

“I want my girlfriend back.”

There is nothing mysterious or spiritually complicated. You’re normal. God is not going to give you an engraved card with instructions. This is your life and he wants you to live it.

It’s up to you how you wish to pursue the matter, but don’t passively expect God to solve it. Give the lady a call, tell her you miss her and would she like to just have a casual coffee? Or send her a little gift with a note that you miss her. You will know your own style. Or, maybe upon reflection you’ll decide to let go of the relationship. Any of these things are OK, but let it come from your heart and mind, not some vague and esoteric idea of God’s will.

Best of luck to you, I know it is a struggle.

Good call and good insight into my post. I didn’t state it in my OP but you picked up on it perfectly: I want my ex back immensely. However, if it isn’t God’s will for us to be together I will give up the fight for her. I know that by following God’s will I’ll be as happy as I can be in this life, and I want nothing more than that.

It’s up to you how you wish to pursue the matter, but don’t passively expect God to solve it. Give the lady a call, tell her you miss her and would she like to just have a casual coffee? Or send her a little gift with a note that you miss her. You will know your own style. Or, maybe upon reflection you’ll decide to let go of the relationship. Any of these things are OK, but let it come from your heart and mind, not some vague and esoteric idea of God’s will.

God can’t solve it persay, but He can show me His will, right? That was always my impression (please correct me if I’m wrong )

I would very much like to call her and meet her again; unfortunately she is in another relationship and at a different school so I can’t at this time. I have tried to stay in contact with her but she doesn’t want to I don’t think.

On a more theological level, God does include people’s free choices in his eternal plan of predestination. In exactly what sense and what logical order He does this is highly disputed, but the end result is that things that are His plan (whether ordained for themselves or only permitted for the sake of a greater good) take place through the free agency of creatures. It’s God’s providence that you find yourself single right now. Whether you are meant to get back together with this girl, or find another one, or live a celibate life, your current state of life is indeed something to take into account in your discernment.

Thank you for the advice. I have been trying to discern God’s will in all this for quite some time but to no avail. Do you recommend I do anything to figure it out? Even if it means not asking for insight anymore.

It is very painful to lose someone who has become your hope and dream for the future.
It’s hard to let go of the emotions and the dream when we lose the person.
Others have free will as do we.
God does not determine their choice, they and we make the choice whether or not to commit to anyone particular person whether they are right for us or not.
God can’t force anyone’s will, but if we hang on to the dream in the face of reality, the person we harm is ourselves. Praying to get her back won’t happen if she doesn’t want that. And if someone is bound to us when they don’t wish to be, there is only suffering for both and possible disaster.

I’m not praying to get her back. I know that would be futile. Instead, I have been praying to see God’s will for us. I always say “Let not my will be done, but Yours.” I would merrily give up on this girl if only I knew what God wants for me down the road in this aspect. But, not knowing what He wants, I continue to pray.

I’m sorry that you are suffering.

Thank you; I know you mean that. You are a good person, Trishie.

God gave us life and talents and intelligence, and we are not pre-programmed robots. We need to make the wise and moral choices and opportunities in our lives to use both our lives and talents well, and also to use our intellectual and emotional intelligence in finding the best person with whom to share our lives. This is dependent also upon the other’s choices. Most us us have persons in the past that we dreamed a future with, even lovely persons, but th[e] dream failed and we have to go forward and find a new dream. If we do so in accordance to the commandments, and commonsense and wisdom, God’s grace will be there. Even when we make the wrong choice, and many couples do, then God will also provide necessary grace.

Wise words.

We only get one life, and I want to live it to the fullest. I know my relationship with this girl could blossom into something very beautiful if given another chance. If it doesn’t, then at least I won’t have any regrets down the road.

I know that if I don’t get back together with this girl and find someone else I can be happy. But I also know that in 60 years I very well may look back and wonder what could have been. Now is the time to erase the “could have beens” from my future; now is the time to stop regrets before they happen. I fear looking back and asking what could have been but what never happened. I fear that and I don’t want that on my mind when I grow old.

Aye, I must trust God and stop worrying. That’s probably what’s best for me.

“Let not my will be done, but Yours”.

 

[coolduude]

Bump

 

[Nick3886]

I’m in sort of the same spot, although she and I never officially dated. There was a strong, mutually recognized “spark.” Downside? She’s seeing someone else. They aren’t serious just yet (only been dating for a few months) and who knows what will happen there.

At any rate, I know that God brought her into my life for a reason. I think the question, and please correct me if I’m wrong, is why He brought her into your life. Is it because you’re supposed to be married? So you can learn what qualities you’re looking for in a wife, even if it’s not her? Maybe it’s because that even if you never get back together, you’re going to be in her mind as a solid Catholic man, who lives accordingly (and, Catholic or not, good men are hard to find.) You will be the reminder that there are good guys out there. Perhaps you two will become great friends in the future.

Maybe the reasons aren’t the ones you want to hear. If you place your trust in God, visit Him often in Adoration, He will show you the way. My brother, a priest, gave me some words of encouragement the other night. He was talking about one of his classmates while he was in the seminary and said that he had done so much that probably should have gotten him kicked out (nothing illegal, immoral, etc.) but he was still ordained. What the Holy Spirit wants, the Holy Spirit will get, even if we can’t see it, or think it’s taking too long.

“Thy will be done…”

 

[domandcarols]

Hiding in your post filled with talk about God, prayer and all those good things, about which you are clearly sincere and devoted, I detect a small voice that seems to be the real issue, if I may be so bold. It goes like this:

“I want my girlfriend back.”

There is nothing mysterious or spiritually complicated. You’re normal. God is not going to give you an engraved card with instructions. This is your life and he wants you to live it.

It’s up to you how you wish to pursue the matter, but don’t passively expect God to solve it. Give the lady a call, tell her you miss her and would she like to just have a casual coffee? Or send her a little gift with a note that you miss her. You will know your own style. Or, maybe upon reflection you’ll decide to let go of the relationship. Any of these things are OK, but let it come from your heart and mind, not some vague and esoteric idea of God’s will.

Best of luck to you, I know it is a struggle.

I agree.

 

[phillipa31]

I think I’d err on the side of caution and not contact her. It seems she’s moved on and that may only push her farther. My husband is someone I knew from high school. We married 11 years after we graduated, after meeting again after we finished college. So, I believe God’s plan for us was to live separately before rejoining us - he had an especially demanding 5 years of professional school & I would have probably been a big distraction for him. I think we needed to do our own things and then come together once God was ready for us to be together.

This could be what God wants for you, but it also may not be. I’ve dated and thought I’d marry a couple of men. I thought my life was over each time my dreams were crushed. But God was saving someone even more special for me. Try not to wish so much for what was or what could be with this woman - that truly is wasting the “now”. Maybe there is someone even better around the bend.

 

[coolduude]

I’m in sort of the same spot, although she and I never officially dated. There was a strong, mutually recognized “spark.” Downside? She’s seeing someone else. They aren’t serious just yet (only been dating for a few months) and who knows what will happen there.

At any rate, I know that God brought her into my life for a reason. I think the question, and please correct me if I’m wrong, is why He brought her into your life. Is it because you’re supposed to be married? So you can learn what qualities you’re looking for in a wife, even if it’s not her? Maybe it’s because that even if you never get back together, you’re going to be in her mind as a solid Catholic man, who lives accordingly (and, Catholic or not, good men are hard to find.) You will be the reminder that there are good guys out there. Perhaps you two will become great friends in the future.

Maybe the reasons aren’t the ones you want to hear. If you place your trust in God, visit Him often in Adoration, He will show you the way. My brother, a priest, gave me some words of encouragement the other night. He was talking about one of his classmates while he was in the seminary and said that he had done so much that probably should have gotten him kicked out (nothing illegal, immoral, etc.) but he was still ordained. What the Holy Spirit wants, the Holy Spirit will get, even if we can’t see it, or think it’s taking too long.

“Thy will be done…”

This is great advice; thank you.

God has a plan for everyone and everything that we encounter in life helps serve that plan. This girl was indeed brought into my life for some reason… I just don’t know what, but I should probably figure it out (or at least think about it).

 

[coolduude]

I think I’d err on the side of caution and not contact her. It seems she’s moved on and that may only push her farther. My husband is someone I knew from high school. We married 11 years after we graduated, after meeting again after we finished college. So, I believe God’s plan for us was to live separately before rejoining us - he had an especially demanding 5 years of professional school & I would have probably been a big distraction for him. I think we needed to do our own things and then come together once God was ready for us to be together.

This could be what God wants for you, but it also may not be. I’ve dated and thought I’d marry a couple of men. I thought my life was over each time my dreams were crushed. But God was saving someone even more special for me. Try not to wish so much for what was or what could be with this woman - that truly is wasting the “now”. Maybe there is someone even better around the bend.

I hope that what happened to you two happens to me. But if not, let God’s will be done, not mine.

Thank you for the encouraging words

 

[SaltedCaramel]

Hi Poster,

It has been 2 years and I hope you’re in a much better position now. I can totally understand how you feel. I was also in a relationship that didn’t work out and I am having a hard time trying not to think and pray for the other person. The way I see it, God wants us to pray without ceasing. He knows our dreams and hopes. It is alright to make a request as long as at the end of the day, we give everything back to Him and ask for His will to be done. It is very difficult to not know how to move forward and to keep on holding back but everyday God will give you the grace to survive the day.

One thing that also worked for me is that every time I pray for something that I thought I wanted, I always end it with: Lord, If this is not coming from You, You may take this away, but as long as I don’t have peace I will keep on pleading.

He did say that we should pray without ceasing, so I guess we can keep on pleading until he takes the burden away.

 

[coolduude]

Hi Poster,

It has been 2 years and I hope you’re in a much better position now. I can totally understand how you feel. I was also in a relationship that didn’t work out and I am having a hard time trying not to think and pray for the other person. The way I see it, God wants us to pray without ceasing. He knows our dreams and hopes. It is alright to make a request as long as at the end of the day, we give everything back to Him and ask for His will to be done. It is very difficult to not know how to move forward and to keep on holding back but everyday God will give you the grace to survive the day.

One thing that also worked for me is that every time I pray for something that I thought I wanted, I always end it with: Lord, If this is not coming from You, You may take this away, but as long as I don’t have peace I will keep on pleading.

He did say that we should pray without ceasing, so I guess we can keep on pleading until he takes the burden away.

Hello Salted,

I am indeed in a much better position now. I forgot about this thread, to be honest. But looking back I see how naive I was when I posted it (hindsight is 20/20!). When I posted it I did want my girlfriend back- I truly loved her and I wanted God to affirm that. I still love her but I know it’s not His will for us. I’ll meet another woman, I’m sure, and I look forward to the day when I meet her.

It took me a long time to surrender to God, but it had to happen sooner or later.

I do hope you recover from your relationship well. As you say, pray without ceasing. Ask and ye shall receive. But above all, let His will be done. God will provide. Good luck out there.