What does it mean to forgive?

[cristyd]

Thank you all for your replies, now i can feel at peace.

 

[RedFox0456]

This conversation is getting redundant, and this will be my last response to you. YES, I would forgive him. Whether or not he fixed the car. Would I let him off the hook for the repairs…no, I would not unless there were extenuating circumstances.

It may be redundant, but I am trying to narrow in exactly on your meaning here. You say you are forgiving the act of wrecking the car, but you are not forgiving the debt to you. Therein lies what I’m not understanding. I mean, saying he doesn’t have to pay you is literally called debt forgiveness. Forgiveness is right there in the name. So if you are saying he still has to pay you then you are saying you have NOT forgiven his debt. In which case, when you pray the Our Father, you are saying “Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us.” Or, as it is also written, “Forgive us our debts AS WE FORGIVE our debtors.” It’s a bold prayer, really. We are telling God to treat us as we have treated others.

The parable of the unforgiving servant comes to mind. Matthew 18:21-35. Specifically verse 32. “You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?”

 

[EasterJoy]

… Forgiveness is right there in the name. So if you are saying he still has to pay you then you are saying you have NOT forgiven his debt…

Not exactly. You might want to refer to a section in the Catechism covering the Sacrament of Reconcilliation titled “Satisfaction.” (Boldface mine)

Satisfaction

1459 Many sins wrong our neighbor. One must do what is possible in order to repair the harm (e.g., return stolen goods, restore the reputation of someone slandered, pay compensation for injuries). Simple justice requires as much. But sin also injures and weakens the sinner himself, as well as his relationships with God and neighbor. **Absolution takes away sin, but it does not remedy all the disorders sin has caused.**62 Raised up from sin, the sinner must still recover his full spiritual health by doing something more to make amends for the sin: he must “make satisfaction for” or “expiate” his sins. This satisfaction is also called “penance.”

1460 The penance the confessor imposes must take into account the penitent’s personal situation and must seek his spiritual good. It must correspond as far as possible with the gravity and nature of the sins committed. It can consist of prayer, an offering, works of mercy, service of neighbor, voluntary self-denial, sacrifices, and above all the patient acceptance of the cross we must bear. Such penances help configure us to Christ, who alone expiated our sins once for all. They allow us to become co-heirs with the risen Christ, "provided we suffer with him."63

The satisfaction that we make for our sins, however, is not so much ours as though it were not done through Jesus Christ. We who can do nothing ourselves, as if just by ourselves, can do all things with the cooperation of “him who strengthens” us. Thus man has nothing of which to boast, but all our boasting is in Christ . . . in whom we make satisfaction by bringing forth “fruits that befit repentance.” These fruits have their efficacy from him, by him they are offered to the Father, and through him they are accepted by the Father.64

The section on the effects of the sacrament is also of interest:
IX. THE EFFECTS OF THIS SACRAMENT

1468 **“The whole power of the sacrament of Penance consists in restoring us to God’s grace and joining us with him in an intimate friendship.”**73 Reconciliation with God is thus the purpose and effect of this sacrament. For those who receive the sacrament of Penance with contrite heart and religious disposition, reconciliation "is usually followed by peace and serenity of conscience with strong spiritual consolation."74 Indeed the sacrament of Reconciliation with God brings about a true “spiritual resurrection,” restoration of the dignity and blessings of the life of the children of God, of which the most precious is friendship with God.75

1469 This sacrament reconciles us with the Church. Sin damages or even breaks fraternal communion. The sacrament of Penance repairs or restores it. In this sense it does not simply heal the one restored to ecclesial communion, but has also a revitalizing effect on the life of the Church which suffered from the sin of one of her members.76 Re-established or strengthened in the communion of saints, the sinner is made stronger by the exchange of spiritual goods among all the living members of the Body of Christ, whether still on pilgrimage or already in the heavenly homeland:77

It must be recalled that . . . this reconciliation with God leads, as it were, to other reconciliations, which repair the other breaches caused by sin. The forgiven penitent is reconciled with himself in his inmost being, where he regains his innermost truth. He is reconciled with his brethren whom he has in some way offended and wounded. He is reconciled with the Church. He is reconciled with all creation.78

1470 In this sacrament, the sinner, placing himself before the merciful judgment of God, anticipates in a certain way the judgment to which he will be subjected at the end of his earthly life. For it is now, in this life, that we are offered the choice between life and death, and it is only by the road of conversion that we can enter the Kingdom, from which one is excluded by grave sin.79 In converting to Christ through penance and faith, the sinner passes from death to life and "does not come into judgment."80

Yet absolution does not magically remove the temporal consequences of a sin:
The punishments of sin

1472 To understand this doctrine and practice of the Church, it is necessary to understand that sin has a double consequence. Grave sin deprives us of communion with God and therefore makes us incapable of eternal life, the privation of which is called the “eternal punishment” of sin. On the other hand every sin, even venial, entails an unhealthy attachment to creatures, which must be purified either here on earth, or after death in the state called Purgatory. This purification frees one from what is called the “temporal punishment” of sin. These two punishments must not be conceived of as a kind of vengeance inflicted by God from without, but as following from the very nature of sin. A conversion which proceeds from a fervent charity can attain the complete purification of the sinner in such a way that no punishment would remain.84

1473 The forgiveness of sin and restoration of communion with God entail the remission of the eternal punishment of sin, but temporal punishment of sin remains. While patiently bearing sufferings and trials of all kinds and, when the day comes, serenely facing death, the Christian must strive to accept this temporal punishment of sin as a grace. He should strive by works of mercy and charity, as well as by prayer and the various practices of penance, to put off completely the “old man” and to put on the "new man."85

 

[EasterJoy]

…I am trying to narrow in exactly on your meaning here…Specifically “Should you not have pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?”

To connect the Church’s understanding of sin to the OP, however, look at it this way. Let us say that you were a bank teller and you stole money from the bank and spent it all on yourself. Even if the bank forgave you of the “sin” by neither calling the police nor demanding repayment, they would not be guilty of unforgiveness or any sort of lack of charity by concluding that you could not be put into the position of trust required to be a bank teller. They could forgive you and yet still fire you from that job.

The OP is “firing” the person she is talking about from a position of trust in which the friend was capable of doing great harm to the OP and her family. Just as a priest would be relieved of his ministry if he were to be shown unfaithful to his ministry by harming those in his care, just so it is only prudent for the OP to quit putting this woman in a position of trust that is both a position where the OP can be harmed and (let us be frank) a near occasion of sin that is too much for the former friend to negotiate without falling. That is why it is not vindictive to take her out of that particular place of intimacy, and remove her to that place which still has the dignity due to every member of the human race.

The OP is acting like the bank that neither calls the police nor makes the teller pay restitution, but simply tells the teller to find another job and not to expect a letter of recommendation for a similar position. That is not vindictive at all, but as generous as possible without being irresponsible in assigning positions of trust. Does that make sense?