My OP asked about what it means to have a relationship with god. Because I seriously don’t know what that means. I am agnostic, at least, and I find a lot of the Catholic stuff oppressive, if not outright abusive to a person’s mental health. At least, the Catholic stuff I have been told. Always open to learn. But I don’t know how I can have a relationship with an oppressor and abuser.
You should read the book of Roman’s. Then the Gospel of John, then the book of Romans again.
The Old Testament law was thought to be oppressive until Jesus brought them to perfection in the New Testament. In the OT god was seen as the creator, a benefactor & we were hired men, even slaves. Jesus revealed god to be our father, yours & mine.
Those same rules that were oppressive are now liberating. They lead to life, true life.
You have a relationship with God right now. From what you’ve written it sounds like an oppressive relationship, but that’s not god’s doing. You’ve created your own prison. We all have.
Take some time, quiet time & just think about your life. All the good times, all the bad times. Think of all the rules you will have for your kids, the purpose for those rules & how they will help your children if they follow your rules. How not following those rules could lead to serious mistakes that will affect the rest of their lives.
Think about how your children won’t understand those rules & would rather make up their own. But as they grow older, make their mistakes they’ll eventually understand & appreciate your wisdom.
This is the relationship you currently have with your Heavenly Father. Right now you don’t trust His wisdom or appreciate how much he cares for your well being. However, He cares much more for your soul than your circumstances (though he does care about your circumstances). Your soul, the essence of who you really are is more precious to Him than anything in the whole world.