What does the bible say about this? (kinda long)

[jazzy0710]

I’m not sure if I posted this in the right area and if I didn’t I apologize but here it goes anyway.

I haven’t talked to my Mom in a month. This has definitely been the longest I’ve gone without talking to her.

My Mom’s got issues. Serious ones. She has totally destroyed my psychological well being by name calling, criticizing every aspect of my life, and by just plain bullying me. I’m 26 and this has been going on for as long as I can remember but only just worsened in the last 11.5 years.

There have been many times when I still lived at home that I left and stayed with friends. My Dad would fight and fight with her but nothing would ever really get accomplished because as far as she is concerned she doesn’t need help that help is for crazy people and she’s not telling her problems to a stranger and that she can deal with it on her own.

Shortly after Mother’s day I was talking to her on the phone one afternoon. I was telling her about some plans that I had with the girls over the weekend. She asked how my friend “Samantha” was doing. I told her Samantha was great, and was working a lot and had a new boyfriend. My Mother than went on this huge speel about how it was funny that she seems to have a new boyfriend every other month, but that’s ok that she’s playing the field and meeting different people and that she didn’t settle down with and marry the first idiot that she came across. She then proceeded on for over 15 minutes about how too many girls have and will continue to make these mistakes and used my name a lot while she was talking.

At this point I knew that she was trying to start a fight with me because that is what she does with both me and my brother and my father. My Mom can deny it all she wants but deep down she has mixed emotions about my husband. I met my husband when I was 17 and he was going on 21. We got engaged when I was 20 and then got married almost 2 years ago. I did date other people briefly before him but I never brought any of them home because she’s always been way too critical, and she wasn’t too thrilled when we got engaged.

Although I knew she was trying to pick a fight I bit my tongue. We then began debating what the term “old man” atcually means. I always thought it refered to your father. She seems to have thought it meant a husband. She felt that I was being rude and sarcastic. I told her that I wasn’t trying to be. She then began yelling at me and told me to go screw myself and slammed down the phone.

I ran into her about a week later when I was out with my cousin. I was as polite as I could be but she looked at him with discust, like I was a bug that she wanted to step on.

I am tired of living like this. Tired of her making me feel like garbage, calling me names, criticizing every aspect of my life and picking fights with me. It has damaged me so bad that I have gained over 70 lbs in the last several years, I bite my nails, and I suffer from depression and major anxiety. I also have been in therapy now for the last 3 years.

Father’s day was ok but I could tell this is starting to stress my Dad out. I took him out and it felt like he was there physically but not mentally. He understands some of it, but not all of it. He’s just so used to her behaving this way.

In the past I have always had to be the one to go apologize. She has never ever said she’s sorry for anything. Nothing is her fault. Everyone else is the problem. If I told her how I truly truly felt about everything she would cry and turn it all around on me. I am tired of living like this. I refuse to go to her this time because that’s what she wants. She wants me to be manipulated by her but that’s not going to happen. I feel that it isn’t my responsibility to make her happy. I don’t need her approval. That I have every right to be happy. If it means not having anything to do with her than so be it. I have spent too long trying to make her happy. Not my job. It’s time for me to look after my psychological well being.

Now what does the bible say about this? I wouldn’t go to hell for something like this would I? I do feel bad, especially because she’s my Mom but I seriously can’t take any more of this help!

 

[Dorothy]

I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this for such a long time.

It doesn’t sound right that you should seek her out if her behaviour does not change. What your mom is doing to you is not right at all.Anyone who is verbally abused as much as you are has a right to back away from allowing your Mom to continue to abuse you. You can forgive her, but you do not have to go back and continue to listen to that emotional abuse.
It may be a very good idea for you to make an appointment with a priest and discuss the entire situation with him.

It seems right to me that as long as you don’t talk to her like she talks to you, you are okay. How sad that she is such a bitter and angry person. She needs prayers.

I will say a prayer for both of you.

 

[Lancer]

Catechism…with footnotes to bible passages.(some excerpts below…go to link for details).
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a4.htm

Pax Christi

CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
SECOND EDITION

PART THREE
LIFE IN CHRIST
SECTION TWO
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

CHAPTER TWO
“YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF”

ARTICLE 4
THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.

III. THE DUTIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS

The duties of children

2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them.** But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.**

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions.** Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.** This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

The duties of parents

2222 Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, they educate their children to fulfill God’s law.

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel.** Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.** This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

 

[Neofight]

Life, and our pursuit of the way of the Lord, is a journey of endless new beginnings.

As painful as it is, continue to attempt having a relationship with your mom. If it gets ugly, start again…and again…and again. This indeed is the way of Christ.

See Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.”

We must remember that if we are to expect, or receive forgiveness, we must first forgive

(Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us)

Pray. I will pray with you.

Pax

 

[Dorothy]

A wife who is abused by her husband can forgive him, and also she should leave him if she gets physically beaten up when he loses his temper.

We can forgive, but also seek to not be with the person who sins against us.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

There are many saints who had to put up with similar stuff and worse. This should be an inspiration.

I’m not saying that to make you like your situation, but to make you feel that there is a choice in all of this. There is hope from it. Whenever anyone treats us ‘like garbage’ we have a choice. We aren’t supposed to be doormats, but we are supposed to forgive.

God sees everything that is occurring between you and your mother. Every bit of it.

I have a similar (but not as severe) situation, and I indeed know how crushing it is, and sometimes how it overwhelms, confuses and ‘kills’ your spirit within you. But as weird as that sounds, this is a gift. God is giving you the choice, and what others take away from you, He can fill in an instantly if He so chooses and sees fit. I also keep in mind the soul of the other, the one doing the wrong, because ultimately, they will have to pay if they don’t change their ways. Meeting the wrath of God is not in any way shape or form pleasant. I also make the realization, there are probably factors in their life that I don’t know about that made it easy for them to fall this way… Do you really think your mom is happy being this way? Its a sorrowful thing every way you look at it. God hates sin and for good reason. Look what it does!

One way I've always been able to forgive is to see that person as an overgrown child when they act unbecomingly.   I think many of us have that 'disability' in some way or other as none of us are perfect, its just that some have it better than others.    I always look at a photo of the one who discourages me as a little baby or child, and soon I don't feel so angry at them.  Its hard to be angry at a little child.  When I look at the photo, I see that they had/have parents who wished for the best for them- who probably didn't want their son or daughter to grow up to be like this.  They also have a God in heaven who wishes they didn't treat others the way they do.   Now look at what they've chosen to become.  It is really sad.  

This is where you start to pray for their soul.   You LOVE the anger out of you by praying for your persecutor.   Maybe they didn't have anyone to pray for them?  Maybe they've always been largely ignored?     As Christians we are to turn the other cheek and do good to them- that is, treat them decently.   If they can't stand that, then well, they just got popped into the flames!  (see scripture on that one)   Good thing too, as that is where God does the refining, burns away the crud.

I don't know how old you are or how old your mother is.  Usually with age, they mellow out.  My advice is not to give into her when she picks a fight.  You can calmly turn away from it, deflect it.  If you don't fight, she can't have the fight.   Sooner or later she will tire of trying.   However, I don't believe you should leave her..   I mean, leave the nasty stuff out of your heart, but still support her in love and care.    Often these people are compensating for some confusing emotions, turmoil, or don't even see what they are doing.  When they start to realize it, it may be very hard for them...  so don't be too hard on her, ok?   We don't want her soul to go down to hell, do we?   No.    So, try and be there, just like your father is.   Its hard.  Yes.  Virtue isn't virtue unless someone did something extraordinary.

As far as the Bible Scripture versus that may pertain to your predicament, here are just some scripture passages:

Colosians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing to the Lord.  21 Fathers, provoke not your children to indignation, lest they be discouraged. 

Romans 12:20 - "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

1 Peter 1:3 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to his great mercy hath regenerated us unto a lively hope, by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 Unto an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that can not fade, reserved in heaven for you, 5 Who, by the power of God, are kept by faith unto salvation, ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 Wherein you shall greatly rejoice, if now you must be for a little time made sorrowful in divers temptations: 7** That the trial of your faith (much more precious than gold which is tried by the fire) may be found unto praise and glory and honor at the appearing of Jesus Christ: **8 Whom having not seen, you love: in whom also now, though you see him not, you believe: and believing shall rejoice with joy unspeakable and glorified; 9 Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

Stay as close to Jesus Christ as you can. He will refresh you.

Hope this helps.

By the way, what I meant by being there is not to be a doormat and take it. You are allowed to leave if they abuse you, take advantage of your love. She is most likely using you to feel better about herself. She’s in a pit and grasping to get out. She’s fixed on that gratification that comes when she knows she got to you. That’s why I say don’t converse with her when she picks a fight. Just leave calmly, pray a Hail Mary for the sin of it and for you to handle it well. They may escalate the behavior before it gets better… its ALWAYS like that usually. This means you got to the devil inside of them. Keep praying… and if ever it gets physically violent… its ok to seek shelter elsewhere. But always look to forgive and reach that point on total reconciliation.

 

[jazzy0710]

I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this for such a long time.

It doesn’t sound right that you should seek her out if her behaviour does not change. What your mom is doing to you is not right at all.Anyone who is verbally abused as much as you are has a right to back away from allowing your Mom to continue to abuse you. You can forgive her, but you do not have to go back and continue to listen to that emotional abuse.
It may be a very good idea for you to make an appointment with a priest and discuss the entire situation with him.

It seems right to me that as long as you don’t talk to her like she talks to you, you are okay. How sad that she is such a bitter and angry person. She needs prayers.

I will say a prayer for both of you.

Thank you Dorothy I greatly apprechiate prayers. I am going to talk with my priest this sunday, in fact, will go to confession on saturday as well.

 

[Dorothy]

Thank you Dorothy I greatly apprechiate prayers. I am going to talk with my priest this sunday, in fact, will go to confession on saturday as well.

Good!

 

[jazzy0710]

By the way, what I meant by being there is not to be a doormat and take it. You are allowed to leave if they abuse you, take advantage of your love. She is most likely using you to feel better about herself. She’s in a pit and grasping to get out. She’s fixed on that gratification that comes when she knows she got to you. That’s why I say don’t converse with her when she picks a fight. Just leave calmly, pray a Hail Mary for the sin of it and for you to handle it well. They may escalate the behavior before it gets better… its ALWAYS like that usually. This means you got to the devil inside of them. Keep praying… and if ever it gets physically violent… its ok to seek shelter elsewhere. But always look to forgive and reach that point on total reconciliation.

I am 26. I am married and have my own place. This does make a lot of sense. It has been quite a while since she’s put her hands on me. I think I was like 21 the last time she hit me. She beat me over the back with a bottle and it was about money. She slapped my leg shortly after that, so hard that she left an imprint and the reason that she slapped me was because she felt that I was taking too many potato chips at one time. She also chased me down the street with her car almost running me over, to get my keys from me when I left.

I will continue to pray as I have been. I can’t just call her because if I do she’ll get very sour and verbally abusive and my therapist would be mad because he doesn’t want me to give in because if I call that’s what will happen. She will be laughing in her mind that I gave in.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Jazzy,

Have you spoken with a priest about this?  I was wondering what a priest would say about this situation rather than a therapist.

…oh nevermind, I see you said you were going to speak with the priest. Very good!