What gives with the Judgment? Feeling disconnected

[4GBPrayerLife]

First post here, long time reader.

Last year I went through the world’s worst divorce. (I’m sure everyone says that, but just trust me it was bad). Prior to that my husband and I were both very plugged into our parish. When he left I couldn’t count the number of people who stepped up to my side, prayed for my marriage, did anything and everything they could to help me put it back together. It was truly amazing. Sadly, it was to no avail, and honestly for the best.

As soon as it was evident my marriage was over, the fight was up, there was nothing to save, everyone vanished. Everyone who called to check in stopped. All our friends stopped inviting me to things. It got very awkward, and I eventually started to hear the things that were being whispered.

I stopped going to that church. I started looking for a new one. A couple times I’ve tried to get involved, but the second people find out I’m divorced they treat me differently. I met some great women in the divorce recovery programs, but I’m in my early 20’s and lets face it, they aren’t, a lot of them have kids my age.

Priests can stand up and preach about the Catholic Church being welcoming to all, and there’s no stigma on divorce. My priest said that very same thing to me, “no one cares if you’re divorced. It just doesn’t matter here”. But that’s just not true.

The people who stuck by my side through the ENTIRE thing, and it was a long process, were my friends who are atheists, non-denominational Christians, people who I wasn’t particularly close to before, who have come back into my life with offers of unconditional love and support. I’m grateful for those people. But they are pulling me away from my faith. Not intentionally, they wouldn’t do that, but I just don’t have the passion for it that I used to… There were days where I would go to mass twice, because I love it that much, and now I’m lucky if I make time for Sunday mass.

No idea how to get plugged back in or stay strong while figuring it out.

 

[Richard_White]

Well, since the divorce was entirely one-sided and your husband walked out on you, I wouldnt worry about anybody at your paeish aaying anything. If the priest is onboard, then just set everyone else straight and do what you were doing before. Plus, at Mass especially, you dont even have to talk to anyone. So dont fret, youll be fine. May God bless you!

 

[Dorothy]

It doesn’t matter what other people think, although I know that can hurt a lot. We need Jesus all the time, especially during troubled times. There is nothing we are going through that is worse than what He went through.

Avail yourself of His grace!

 

[JRKH]

So sorry that you experienced this. However - if I may offer - this is not all that uncommon. It can also happen to people who are terminally ill and their families. It’s sort of a “crisis response”.

What I mean is that, when things are “acute” (as perceived by an individual) they come rushing to help…but once the acute situation ends, they tend to melt away. Not that they forget about you entirely - just that they aren’t “there” as much…
This is something that often happens with those who are widowed too. The death and the funeral etc are “acute” times and friends and family are right there to help…but a once the activities die down, people get back to their own lives and the widow (or widower) can find themselves feeling horribly alone.

I think that divorces can be like that too. When the situation was acute, when the focus was on “saving the ship” so to speak, many folks were there trying to plug the leaks. Once the ship finally sinks…they tend to get back to their own lives and the one they were helping can certainly feel horribly alone.

As for the “whispers”…well I guess those who whisper will whisper…may God forgive them if they whisper slander.

I’m not saying that any of the above fist your circumstances exactly - but perhaps there is a thought or two that will be of help.

Remember - you are going through a grief process and this takes time.

Now - on a more positive note re: plugging back in…
Consider that your young age and being part of the divorce recovery group could actually be an encouragement to other younger divorced people to join. Likewise your general experience gives you a certain insight that could perhaps be used to help others.
Most parishes had “grief committees” who deal with deaths in the parish etc…I wonder if some of their ideas and techniques could be adapted to the issues of those newly divorced?
Perhaps God will reveal some new and important task for you in His Church.

Just some thoughts.

Peace
James

 

[Memaw]

It doesn’t matter what other people think, although I know that can hurt a lot. We need Jesus all the time, especially during troubled times. There is nothing we are going through that is worse than what He went through.

Avail yourself of His grace!

Now is the time when you truly need to stay close to your Faith. I have been thru the death of two husbands, two sons, two siblings, both parents, both sets of wonderful in- laws and many other loved ones. Sometimes it was hard to keep going. But I just trusted in Our Lord and His Holy Mother to see me thru and they did. Tell yourself over and over, “Jesus I trust in YOU!” You need the Grace of the Sacraments. Go to Confession often and try really hard to go back to daily Mass if you can. Don’t take it out on Jesus because your friends deserted. He was deserted by His friends too. Daily Mass helped me so much. The Grace is there, even if the friends are not. Prayers for you. please hang in there and this will heal too. I’m sure there must be other women in your parish that have gone thru a divorce too, Are there any Ladies organizations you could join in your Church? God Bless, Memaw

 

[mountee]

I am truly sorry for all you have been through and I want you to know that I care and will pray for you. There is a lot of truth in what JRKH has to say about people and how they come and go through a crisis. My suggestion to you would be to hang in there, especially with the divorce recovery group. There is a good chance that you will help someone else just by being there, just by your specific story. In addition, one day someone at those meetings may say just one small thing that will sink into you and begin your personal recovery. You need the Church more than ever right now, don’t allow yourself to be driven away. I will pray for you to be healed and have the strength to move forward and follow God’s plan for your future. Come back anytime you want to vent or ask for prayers. There are many caring people waiting to pray and support you here.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[Serap]

You are also young and if you are beautiful, many women will find your status threatening if they are married to husbands that may develop a crush on you.

Also, make friends with some single women your age.

 

[triumphguy]

It does matter what people think - we are social beings. And when we feel shunned or ignored it hurts.

Parishes need to do a better job.

It happens with suicide, natural death, serious illness, unemployment etc., etc.

 

[clem456]

It does matter what people think - we are social beings. And when we feel shunned or ignored it hurts.

Parishes need to do a better job.

It happens with suicide, natural death, serious illness, unemployment etc., etc.

We need to wake the heck up, get off our rear ends and be disciples.
Every human being should have the door of the Church opened for them by a practicing Catholic.

 

[AnneTeresa]

Parishes need to do a better job.

It happens with suicide, natural death, serious illness, unemployment etc., etc.

This is so true. Add “addictions” and “kids who aren’t successful” to the list too.

Unfortunately, sometimes we have to get our support from people who’ve “been there” and can relate to what we are going through, not from people at church necessarily.

 

[acacia12]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You will be in my prayers.

“This is so true. Add “addictions” and “kids who aren’t successful” to the list too”
I am in recovery for addiction and I too get this. I also get the anti-Christian bashing from the 12 step fellowship I am with. It hurts.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I’m wayyyyy older than you and a guy, but have gone through kind of the same thing.

A lot of it is that folks who are married tend to socialize a lot as couples-- I don’t fit into that anymore. While the friends were great initially at keeping tabs on me and seeing how I was doing, I didn’t fit into the social paradigm. Add on to that that I have the kids living with me and am committed to living single until the youngest is an adult and I think its kind of awkward for the friends. (In my case there’s also some truth to the adage that the wife gets the friends in the divorce. Met most of them through her)

Our parish started a young adult/singles group. They get together regularly for activities etc. Don’t know if your parish has something like that or whether your priest would be supportive of you starting one. But you’ve found what I think is pretty common- most of the volunteers in the various groups are older established folks who have the spare time and resources to help out.

I’ve met some nice folks teaching CCD, but again, they tend to be married and older and again socialize as couples.

 

[EasterJoy]

Many never-marrieds feel the same thing: that is, that their parish doesn’t know how to handle single people under 65 or so. Many report feeling like a fifth wheel at every parish event.

People going through the death of a loved one report a similar pattern, too: everyone is there for them while their loved one goes through a fight with cancer, there are lots of people there at the funeral and maybe a bit after that, and then “poof”–nobody. The grief seems to last far longer than the grief support.

Some of this is because people get more wrapped up in urgent problems and in their own problems than they do with the “less glamorous” long-term problems of others. Sometimes they are too afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they are dying to ask a lot of questions and know they ought not and then don’t know what else to say. There are a lot of reasons, and they don’t necessarily have to do with having judged you to be in the wrong.

If you find people treat you differently when they find you are divorced, then stop telling them. If they ask if you are married, you can simply say “no”, and leave it at that. You do not have to let them press for more information beyond that. If you have children and someone asks about their father, you can say, “He doesn’t live with us any more. That’s all I’m going to say.” Should your marriage be declared null, then after that you do not have to mention your first attempt at marriage to anyone except someone with whom you would consider a second attempt.

 

[Memaw]

This is so true. Add “addictions” and “kids who aren’t successful” to the list too.

Unfortunately, sometimes we have to get our support from people who’ve “been there” and can relate to what we are going through, not from people at church necessarily.

Parishes can’t prevent everything our society dumps on us. I have always found priests very helpful when I needed them. When my first husband died and I was left with several small children, Fr. Paul was there for me all the way. He lost his Father,at age 9 so he understood. And the same when my second husband died 20 years later and we had young son’s. I found Priests, parish, friends and even strangers, like nurses at the hospital etc. to be very helpful. God Bless, them all. God Bless, Memaw

 

[4GBPrayerLife]

You are also young and if you are beautiful, many women will find your status threatening if they are married to husbands that may develop a crush on you.

Also, make friends with some single women your age.

A.) “If you are beautiful”? B.) I’m chronologically in my early 20’s, but more easily develop friendships with people in their 30’s thanks to a plethora of life experiences. I have several friends my age, and I don’t have trouble making friends… just Catholic friends.

Parishes need to do a better job.

Yep, and +1 to the person who mentioned addictions in this area. Although ‘my’ parish (or former parish, haven’t decided which I call it yet) has a great addiction ministry that i’ve been involved with from the beginning. I still go back for those meetings.

If you find people treat you differently when they find you are divorced, then stop telling them. If they ask if you are married, you can simply say “no”

That would involve a name change. I don’t tell people I’m divorced. Given my age people don’t find it strange when they ask if I’m married and I say no… thank God for that. And no kids. But my divorce is in and out of the local media every couple months thanks to some really bad decisions my ex has made.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback everyone. I’ve never been “on the other side of the coin” before, so to speak. I’ve always thought the church a very welcoming place. Divorced? Who cares. Gay? We still love you. Single and Pregnant? Come on in… At least that’s what I used to believe. I still believe Catholic teaching to be fundamental in these areas, like Pope Francis likes to point out we should treat everyone with love and kindness… but the majority of Lay people are missing the message. If someone like me, who was in that top 1% of people who are actually active in the parish, can find themselves feeling lost and unwelcome, I can’t imagine how hard it would be for a stranger to walk through those doors and have a good experience.

 

[maryjk]

Many never-marrieds feel the same thing: that is, that their parish doesn’t know how to handle single people under 65 or so. Many report feeling like a fifth wheel at every parish event.

People going through the death of a loved one report a similar pattern, too: everyone is there for them while their loved one goes through a fight with cancer, there are lots of people there at the funeral and maybe a bit after that, and then “poof”–nobody. The grief seems to last far longer than the grief support.

This true for when there is a death and when there is a divorce.

The problem is, people have lives. And grief can go on the months, even years. Someone would have to give up their own family to offer that much support for that long.

I have a friend who lost her husband last year.

I try to involve her in what I can. But I am sure she feels like a 5-wheel when she does stuff with our family. But I can’t give up doing things with my family so my friend feels more comfortable. Nor does she expect me to.

 

[4GBPrayerLife]

The problem is, people have lives. And grief can go on the months, even years. Someone would have to give up their own family to offer that much support for that long.

I’m not suggesting people give up their lives for me… I’m really not in place where I need daily support anymore either. I hardly ever talk about being divorced, or my ex, so its not like I’m bringing drama with me. I’m talking people who were my friends. Other wives who i would hang out with on girls night. I don’t get invited to girls night anymore. I get couples have couple friends. And its always hard when a couple splits up do you stay friends with both or just one? I get that. Just saying… most of the friendships i’ve formed at church with other Catholics are turning out to be pretty superficial on their end when it comes down to it. We used to sit around over coffee after Mass and just chat with people for a good hour or so. Those people still stay, but they clearly don’t want me to be part of their conversation anymore. I’m not asking for perfect friends… I think they just don’t know what to say about what’s going on, and they feel like they HAVE to say say something, which they don’t.

 

[Trishie]

Welcome to CAF. May others will identify with you who also have been through such painful life-changes and loss of a special life-dream. I hope that can make you feel less alone

Grief has a tendency to uproot and confuse us. It can make us lose our bearings. It can take from us, for a while, those things that seemed to be the foundation of our world.

The sad thing is that we do have to live though our losses ourselves. While we may have support, it is a personal loss that no one but ourselves can actually cope with. People can feel very helpless regarding others’ grief and loss. And we do tend to hide our grief and carry on. What else can we do but somehow carry on, and it’s natural that others can’t see that we may be screaming and weeping in our heart and mind. You seem normal, I’m sure. People trust that you’re coping. I have seen many go through break-up and trauma. There is so little one can actually do. While the person is visibly falling apart you can be there for them, but really, only they can pick up the pieces. That is simply fact. What has changed cannot be undone. I and you can only try to recover and put one step in front of the other until some strength and purpose is regained.

To try to illustrate what I mean to say by using a personal experience: Most people have never known some of the things I’ve endured, and they certainly didn’t know the depth. In the middle of everything they may know something, but they don’t know anywhere near the whole, and one remains friendly and considerate of others, so how would they know. We do have to get on with things. I’m telling you this because so much is hidden because we humans do have to pick up the pieces, but a profound tragedy affecting my family between 2009-2011 had profound effect on my health readings, but no one would see. My antinuclear antibody level rose from 1:80 ( had two autoimmune issues under control, so it had remained ther) but since that tumultuous period my autoimmune antibody level rose 1200 to 1:1280 with a speckled pattern of 160…so essentially as my doctor warns, I’m in danger of Lupus…however none really knew how much it all affected me/us. Yes support during the time things were happening, but I remained pleasant, friendly, and didn’t expect anyone to fuss, because the event is over, life goes on, and I must be careful to avoid stress. Like you, I must go on.

Why should anyone remain at a high sympathetic level for me, for you…everyone goes through tough times, through losses, separations, illness, death, and we must all move on from there and rebuild. People understand this so they are not being unkind to you. Please understand that we all, even if we don’t seem to, have burdens to carry, heartaches for ourselves and loved ones, even nightmares we live through. It is ourselves who must crumble or rebuild, with trust in God even if for a while the faith is a little pilot light awaiting reigniting.We shouldn’t be hard on others and judgmental of them, as when we’re in pain we can become judgemental of others, but that isn’t fair. Those who support us when we’re falling apart and in crisis are generous, but they can’t help us get on our feet, I and we must do that, after and during the grief process and recovery.

Dear one I know you’re suffering terribly, and ask God to help you through without abandoning the gifts He wishes for you even if at this time they are tasteless and seem empty, which in reality they are not.

Kind wishes, and prayers,
Trishie

Perhaps now that you have been though this terrible thing, you yourself will compassionately know not to make some of the mistakes that people make. You could perhaps be a truly effective grief support for others in similar tragedies as you are enduring, and not make the mistakes that well-intentioned but misguided people have done with you

 

[Trishie]

You are blessed to have belonged in a parish where anyone had time to stay for an hour after Mass.
However, just because of my nature, I suppose, it’s myself I’d be scrutinizing if the atmosphere changed, not seeking for the fault in others. I’d be asking myself if I was being too sensitive, and if I’d changed in any way, or if over a period of time had too many times alluded to or agonized over my problems, in which others are fairly helpless anyway, and if I’d caused some compassion fatigue when they also almost certainly have burdens and have probably search their minds to find the helpful thing to say but it is never enough because it doesn’t lift the sadness which will be just as bad when next the people meet. I’d ask myself if something about my atmosphere or attitude was affecting the relationships, some faint distrust, some faint judgement on my part, a tendency to feel I’m a victim…people sense these things and can be made subtly uncomfortable. I don’t actually expect a lot of friends, having more trust in family who love one regardless. Friends are thrown together by circumstances and perhaps a little mutual self interest. Even strong friendships of any faith can disappear quite easily, thus I don’t have a huge amount of faith in friendship so it wouldn’t bother me as much as it does you. I know I have family who inexplicably and persistently love me!

It’s sad that you feel so hurt and lost. I hope you will recover from this massive blow of your husband’s uncompromising divorce.
I hope you find a way though that is blessed by God’s loving purpose

 

[LongingSoul]

Truly, I think it is unfortunate but inevitable that you have to make changes to other relationships when a status change happens. When people have been lifelong friends, that bond can often sustain the friendship through all sorts of twists and turns… but when you establish friendships as a couple or a family like at Church or children based places like school etc… something that is foundational to the relationship is lost.

I remember many years ago when one of the ‘girls’ in our group of playgroup mums, became separated and divorced out of the blue and she was utterly devastated. Luckily one of our group had the gift of nurturing and including people in this type of situation, and she continued to be a welcomed part of our group of marrieds. However, she naturally drifted when she had to begin fulltime work to support herself and kids and began associating with other mums from a support group who were going through a similar experience. It seemed like quite a natural transition but admittedly, if it had not been for this one group member with the type of ‘vocation’ she had, I don’t think the rest of us were equipped to help and guide her through what she had to deal with. Ideally we should all be able to juggle a multitude of relationships along with our families,but in reality, everyone is struggling quite a lot to keep their own households in tact.

I would suggest looking at other ministries within the Church to develop stronger connections with the Parish you decide on and go from there. I am sorry that you are going through this all and God bless you on your new journey.