What gives with the Judgment? Feeling disconnected

[EasterJoy]

That would involve a name change. I don’t tell people I’m divorced. Given my age people don’t find it strange when they ask if I’m married and I say no… thank God for that. And no kids. But my divorce is in and out of the local media every couple months thanks to some really bad decisions my ex has made.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback everyone. I’ve never been “on the other side of the coin” before, so to speak. I’ve always thought the church a very welcoming place. Divorced? Who cares. Gay? We still love you. Single and Pregnant? Come on in… At least that’s what I used to believe. I still believe Catholic teaching to be fundamental in these areas, like Pope Francis likes to point out we should treat everyone with love and kindness… but the majority of Lay people are missing the message. If someone like me, who was in that top 1% of people who are actually active in the parish, can find themselves feeling lost and unwelcome, I can’t imagine how hard it would be for a stranger to walk through those doors and have a good experience.

I think this is the ideal we all like to think exists in church…and really, around all kind-hearted people. Then when the reality test comes, it doesn’t always work out that way. Some people do have a hard time knowing what to say to someone who has been touched by negative media attention, especially when it is someone they had placed in some certain “box” in their minds. They don’t know what to say and it makes them uncomfortable, and sometimes people do form judgments about “famous people” that they might not make if the person hadn’t had their story made into a TV sensation.

I’m very sorry you have to go through this, and particularly that you have had to go through a divorce, let alone a public divorce that’s being put under the TV magnifying glass. Hang in there; this will pass. Be sure that when you are gracious in spite of it all, you will one day have your reward, because you will have made the world a better place in spite of temptation to do just the opposite. When you are not so gracious, well, if that happens we have confession.

 

[JRKH]

I don’t know if anyone else had mentioned this or not…(Gee there are so many layers to this kind of problem)…But part of the “feeling unwelcome” or at least feeling that people are somehow different toward you my may come from their feeling that they have to be careful what they say around you so as to not hurt your feelings etc.
This may be a conscious or an unconscious act.

As an example…couples names can almost become “one word” and that is how others think…it’s Bill-n-Mary, or Joan-n-Frank. It can take a while for people separate that in their minds. While they are trying to do this, they can feel awkward and they might even retreat rather than risk hurting you or embarrassing themselves.

Another aspect could be a feeling on their part that they failed you. The OP mentions that some of these folks were there for he while she was trying to save the marriage but seem to have withdrawn now that the marriage is over. There could be a feeling of embarrassment on their part for having failed you.

Understand that in the above, I’m not defending such actions or or even suggesting that these are primary motivators. I am just suggesting that perhaps these are components in a large and complex picture.
One person’s motivation might be from embarrassment, another from a feeling of failure, others have gotten more busy with other “crisis” in their lives etc…
And some - well some are just not as loving as others. They are weaker in that portion of the faith.
The old saying about the Church being a hospital for sinners comes to mind…

Anyway - - - Just some thoughts.

Peace
James

 

[Oren]

I just got divorced in March and it was terrible. No one helped me from my parish except my best friend that happens to go there. They ask me about it sometimes, if I’m doing ok. That’s it. My family, who are not Christian, has helped me and supported me. I never expected people from my parish to do that and I really don’t get why anyone would expect that. It’s a bonus if you do find friends at your parish and nice people, but it is a bonus, not something you should ‘expect’. If anyone cares that I’m divorced I don’t know about it, and I wouldn’t care if they did ‘whisper’ about it. Why do you care?

 

[Memaw]

By James, “I don’t know if anyone else had mentioned this or not…(Gee there are so many layers to this kind of problem)…But part of the “feeling unwelcome” or at least feeling that people are somehow different toward you my may come from their feeling that they have to be careful what they say around you so as to not hurt your feelings etc.
This may be a conscious or an unconscious act.”

As an example…couples names can almost become “one word” and that is how others think…it’s Bill-n-Mary, or Joan-n-Frank. It can take a while for people separate that in their minds. While they are trying to do this, they can feel awkward and they might even retreat rather than risk hurting you or embarrassing themselves.

You are sooo right James. My first husband died and several years later I married again, (someone who wasn’t part of our neighborhood.) And so many times, friends who knew my first husband ;called my second husband by his name accidentally. Especially when they put our names together. My second husband always took it in a very friendly manner but it was still awkward for all ,at times . God Bless, Memaw

 

[kdkkdt]

It does matter what people think - we are social beings. And when we feel shunned or ignored it hurts.

Parishes need to do a better job.

It happens with suicide, natural death, serious illness, unemployment etc., etc.

Such wise words! I escaped a lifetime of abuse and ridicule by moving halfway across the country and forming a whole new life. In this very rural area where everybody knows everybody else and everybody’s business, the one and only Catholic parish in the area is now asking me to bring that past to the forefront before I can make my confirmation and be in full communion with the church. No way Jose. I barely escaped with my sanity (mostly) intact and I won’t have my past known by anyone other than God and my beloved husband, period. I don’t get judged here so I’m able to live my life in peace. If the Catholic church won’t have me without making me relive a nightmare, there’s a Episcopal church that will.

To the OP - I very much understand where you are coming from. I will include you in my prayers and I bid you peace.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

It does matter what people think - we are social beings. And when we feel shunned or ignored it hurts.

It depends on the person. Some people (like myself) really don’t care about others biased, hurtful opinions. The people described in the OP are not friends; they are hypocrites. It is best to get rid of such people from one’s lives. Yes, it may be uncomfortable for a time, but don’t waste energy dwelling on the hurt others cause. Use that energy to refocus and rebuild one’s life.

That’s firsthand advice from someone whose spouse divorced them…your truly.

 

[Memaw]

Such wise words! I escaped a lifetime of abuse and ridicule by moving halfway across the country and forming a whole new life. In this very rural area where everybody knows everybody else and everybody’s business, the one and only Catholic parish in the area is now asking me to bring that past to the forefront before I can make my confirmation and be in full communion with the church. No way Jose. I barely escaped with my sanity (mostly) intact and I won’t have my past known by anyone other than God and my beloved husband, period. I don’t get judged here so I’m able to live my life in peace. If the Catholic church won’t have me without making me relive a nightmare, there’s a Episcopal church that will.

To the OP - I very much understand where you are coming from. I will include you in my prayers and I bid you peace.

If your talking about Confession, well that’s not quite the same as “publishing” it in the parish bulletin. It may be necessary for you to make a good confession before receiving another Sacrament. That is also a healing Sacrament. Your not being judged but if you walk away, you are leaving Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament behind. That’s a bigger loss than anything ever. God Bless, Memaw

 

[kdkkdt]

If your talking about Confession, well that’s not quite the same as “publishing” it in the parish bulletin. It may be necessary for you to make a good confession before receiving another Sacrament. That is also a healing Sacrament. Your not being judged but if you walk away, you are leaving Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament behind. That’s a bigger loss than anything ever. God Bless, Memaw

I’m not talking about confession. I have no problem confessing my sins to the priest whatsoever.

 

[4GBPrayerLife]

I just got divorced in March and it was terrible. No one helped me from my parish except my best friend that happens to go there. They ask me about it sometimes, if I’m doing ok. That’s it. My family, who are not Christian, has helped me and supported me. I never expected people from my parish to do that and I really don’t get why anyone would expect that. It’s a bonus if you do find friends at your parish and nice people, but it is a bonus, not something you should ‘expect’. If anyone cares that I’m divorced I don’t know about it, and I wouldn’t care if they did ‘whisper’ about it. Why do you care?

I’m sorry… it sucks. Terrible barely begins to describe divorce.

These weren’t just random people from a church I go to, they were (I thought) good friends. But I have to wonder… if you can’t expect a church to be there when you need it most, whats the point of one?

I care because I’m a person who has feelings. That’s how God made me. and a very social person at that… I love my non-Catholic friends to death, but I miss having a core group of Catholic friends as well.

 

[SamH]

I’m not suggesting people give up their lives for me… I’m really not in place where I need daily support anymore either. I hardly ever talk about being divorced, or my ex, so its not like I’m bringing drama with me. I’m talking people who were my friends. Other wives who i would hang out with on girls night. I don’t get invited to girls night anymore. I get couples have couple friends.

So what do you want? You admit you are not in “dire” need anymore but want to be social and want those that supported you to work as a support group for your social life?

 

[4GBPrayerLife]

So what do you want? You admit you are not in “dire” need anymore but want to be social and want those that supported you to work as a support group for your social life?

A little confused by your question…

What I want is a strong network of Catholic friends who don’t change the way they treat me when they find out I’m divorced. I loved having a social network in the past that overlapped with Church. We did ‘secular’ things it wasn’t all bible studies and service projects. We went to see movies, etc… When I have to excuse myself from girls night with my ‘non-catholic’ friends because they are all going to see Magic Mike, its nice to have a group of people who understand that decision.

 

[Memaw]

A little confused by your question…

What I want is a strong network of Catholic friends who don’t change the way they treat me when they find out I’m divorced. I loved having a social network in the past that overlapped with Church. We did ‘secular’ things it wasn’t all bible studies and service projects. We went to see movies, etc… When I have to excuse myself from girls night with my ‘non-catholic’ friends because they are all going to see Magic Mike, its nice to have a group of people who understand that decision.

God understands, that’s all that really matters! God Bless, Memaw