What Good is Marriage?

[ThinkingSapien]

With marriage there are certain legal benefits that are granted. And under many religions marriage is a requirement for a person to be allowed to engage in sex. But for some one that isn’t bound to what various religions have to say on marriage are there any benefits to marriage beyond the legal benefits that cannot be achieved without marriage?

I was talking to some one about this last night and we had a hard time identifying any. There are benefits to monogamy, but being married doesn’t guarantee your partner will be monogamous. Also an unmarried couple can be monogamous to. Any other benefits we explored were pretty much evaluated the same; not guaranteed in marriage and achievable outside of marriage.

 

[Alberti_Devoveo]

Stability of a family life for the children is probably the biggest good that marriage produces. Without the covenant of marriage, there is no compelling reason for either parent to stick around when the ‘going gets tough.’ The statistics about children raised without fathers is frightening (higher rate of failure in school, higher rate of early pregnancies, lower wages in jobs, etc).

 

[ThinkingSapien]

Without the covenant of marriage, there is no compelling reason for either parent to stick around when the 'going gets tough.

Considering current divorce rates would it be fair to say that a spouse still may not stick around when the going gets tough?

 

[Alberti_Devoveo]

Considering current divorce rates would it be fair to say that a spouse still may not stick around when the going gets tough?

No. For several reasons:
(1) Divorce requires going before a judge and costs a lot of money, leaving a relationship does not.
(2) The divorce rate is actually about 30%, not 50% that is erroneously calculated (this 50% number is calculated from the number of divorces that occur in a given year and the number of marriages; the 30% is the actual statistics based on people counting).
(3) Divorce can occur for a multitude of reasons that do not involve the going getting tough (abuse, imprisonment, etc)
(4) “Divorce” rate among atheists/agnostics is hidden because many choose not to actually get married and just live with each other
(5) Many divorcees are childless, so their divorces should be discounted towards my thought on the stable family life since there is no family to speak of.

 

[Phaedra777]

But for some one that isn’t bound to what various religions have to say on marriage

Who are these people who are not bound by God’s word? All they are doing is ignoring it, and thinking it doesn’t apply to them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I can answer this. My fiance and I don’t see any real value in marriage itself. We have already promised our lives to each other and we live that out every day. Marriage is not going to make us more committed or any less likely to break up.

However, because we live in a very marriage centric society it is difficult, if not impossible in a lot of circumstances to show a serious, lifelong commitment without being married. And we want our relationship to get the same recognition that married couples get, because we are no less real or committed than they are.

In my family it isn’t such a big deal. We tend to live together, raise kids, and stay together for life without marriage, and no one bats an eye. He comes from a very traditional family though, and the rest of the world shares his family’s view as well.

 

[Lochias]

With marriage there are certain legal benefits that are granted. And under many religions marriage is a requirement for a person to be allowed to engage in sex. But for some one that isn’t bound to what various religions have to say on marriage are there any benefits to marriage beyond the legal benefits that cannot be achieved without marriage?

I was talking to some one about this last night and we had a hard time identifying any. There are benefits to monogamy, but being married doesn’t guarantee your partner will be monogamous. Also an unmarried couple can be monogamous to. Any other benefits we explored were pretty much evaluated the same; not guaranteed in marriage and achievable outside of marriage.

As a practicing Catholic, my thoughts on marriage are usually within its context as a sacrament, as the nucleus of the family unit, and of and the graces it bestows on the couple beyond anything physical.

I do have a friend with a 4-year-old son, however, who is currently living with her long-term boyfriend (not the father) who refuses to get married. She hasn’t spoken about it at length, but I know that she does not wish for her son to grow up fatherless, and that she does genuinely love the guy.

She is, on the one hand, very happy that she is with him. On the other, she is unhappy that she does not have, in her own words, “marriage, security and commitment”. I can only imagine how lighter her heart would be if her boyfriend would agree to commit.

I think one of the benefits is the fact that one or both partners don’t feel “used”; I like her boyfriend, and I think he’s a decent man, but I also think he is having his cake and eating it, too. And I don’t think that’s at all fair.

I think that at least one benefit of marriage

 

[Rence]

Who are these people who are not bound by God’s word? All they are doing is ignoring it, and thinking it doesn’t apply to them.

Being bound to God’s Word and being bound to religion are completely different things for a great many people first of all. And if they don’t “think” a particular religion’s rules apply to them, it does in fact direct their actions and life choices. So ‘these people who are not bound’ are exactly that: people who do not recognize the rules of a particular religion, and therefore do not subject themselves to such ‘authority’.

As to what good marriage is, even for those not bound to a religions teachings on it, perhaps companionship and a yearning for family. After all, though the family unit is changing out there in the non-Catholic world, marriage in the traditional sense is still the dominant aspiration. People don’t usually say when they’re children: I wanna grow up and get married and divorced several times. Or, I wanna grow up and live with someone. Usually a vision of marriage to form a family, with or without children, continues to be the dominant theme. I don’t think that will ever go away, despite side groups not appreciating it.

 

[TimothyH]

But for some one that isn’t bound to what various religions have to say on marriage are there any benefits to marriage beyond the legal benefits that cannot be achieved without marriage?

Marriage is one way for ordinary human beings to participate in the life of the Trinity and in Trinitarian love.

The Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and Son. We testify to this fact in the Creed.

*I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son *

God the Father loves God the Son, and the fruit of that perfect, self-sacrificing, self-giving, agape love is the Holy Spirit. This is the model for family life.

A husband is supposed to love his wife and a wife is supposed to love her husband with the same perfect, self-sacrificing, self-giving agape love with which God the Father and God the Son love each other. Just as the fruit of the interior life of the Trinity and Trinitarian love is the Holy Spirit, the fruit of agape love betwen husband and wife are children.

Father + Son + Holy Spirit = God
Husband + Wife + Children = Family

Striving to live family life with the interior life of the Trinity as our model is one way in which we participate in the interior life of the Trinity, and therby recieve grace. That is the major benefit for living out marriage as God inteneded it, and one of the reasons why it is called Holy matrimony.

The great desire men and women have to marry, and how devistating it is and how badly it hurts when marriages fail is testimonly against anyone who does not believe that the Trinity exists or that there is such a thing as Trinitarian love in which we can participate through marriage.

-Tim-

 

[Phaedra777]

Being bound to God’s Word and being bound to religion are completely different things for a great many people first of all. And if they don’t “think” a particular religion’s rules apply to them, it does in fact direct their actions and life choices. So ‘these people who are not bound’ are exactly that: people who do not recognize the rules of a particular religion, and therefore do not subject themselves to such ‘authority’.

God’s word is “no fornication”. Everyone is bound to that, whether they like it or not or whether they believe it or not.

 

[Rence]

God’s word is “no fornication”. Everyone is bound to that, whether they like it or not or whether they believe it or not.

It doesn’t matter one bit if the person doesn’t hold themselves bound. What matters is what drives people’s actions and life decisions.

 

[Lochias]

It doesn’t matter one bit if the person doesn’t hold themselves bound. What matters is what drives people’s actions and life decisions.

People are free to choose what they want to do, and they will be less responsible for their actions than others if they have no way of knowing the Truth…but it certainly does matter. Right is right, wrong is wrong, and our Lord is just as well as merciful.

Truth does not change based on people’s actions and life decisions.

 

[ThinkingSapien]

Who are these people who are not bound by God’s word? All they are doing is ignoring it, and thinking it doesn’t apply to them.

It was the best wording I could think of to collectively refer to those that are non-religious or religious to some level but ignore what their religion has to say about marriage (ex: I have a Christian friend that uses terms like “spiritually married” or “married in God’s eyes” to talk about her current relationship with her boyfriend/sex partner).

They both have children from previous marriages and according to her they want to be committed to each other but don’t care for the complications that a legal marriage would bring about (ex: both of their families have something against the culture that the opposing person comes from).

 

[ThinkingSapien]

I do have a friend with a 4-year-old son, however, who is currently living with her long-term boyfriend (not the father) who refuses to get married. She hasn’t spoken about it at length, but I know that she does not wish for her son to grow up fatherless, and that she does genuinely love the guy. …]

I had a manager that had been married, divorced, and was paying her ex-husband alimony. She had a boyfriend that she had been dating for several years and he made declarations of love and commitment to her, wanting to get married and one day have children. But the continued expense of the first marriage made her not want to be at risk of having a second ex-husband to which to pay alimony. So she refused his proposals wanting to just be his girlfriend for the rest of her life.

That wasn’t what he wanted. So one day he told her that despite loving her he would not be able to achieve what he wanted in life with her (marriage and children) so he had made the painful decision to end their relationship.

 

[Lochias]

I had a manager that had been married, divorced, and was paying her ex-husband alimony. She had a boyfriend that she had been dating for several years and he made declarations of love and commitment to her, wanting to get married and one day have children. But the continued expense of the first marriage made her not want to be at risk of having a second ex-husband to which to pay alimony. So she refused his proposals wanting to just be his girlfriend for the rest of her life.

That wasn’t what he wanted. So one day he told her that despite loving her he would not be able to achieve what he wanted in life with her (marriage and children) so he had made the painful decision to end their relationship.

Indeed. I think that feelings and well-meaning simply aren’t enough to sustain a relationship in the long-term.

 

[Rence]

People are free to choose what they want to do, and they will be less responsible for their actions than others if they have no way of knowing the Truth…but it certainly does matter. Right is right, wrong is wrong, and our Lord is just as well as merciful.

Truth does not change based on people’s actions and life decisions.

People’s actions and life decisions are driven by what they believe is true. Non Catholics won’t care about what the Church teaches if they don’t believe in the Church, and what they believe matters because that will drive their actions. So what they think does matter.

 

[Delaine75]

Who are these people who are not bound by God’s word? All they are doing is ignoring it, and thinking it doesn’t apply to them.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one!

 

[Phaedra777]

People’s actions and life decisions are driven by what they believe is true. Non Catholics won’t care about what the Church teaches if they don’t believe in the Church, and what they believe matters because that will drive their actions. So what they think does matter.

Driven by what they want to believe is true or really by what they want to do. The truth is written on their hearts and they reject it.

 

[ASimon]

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one!

The problem is that there are many religions that presume to speak for what God wants, and on many points, their claims to Truth are mutually incompatible. To someone in a different religion, “Who are these people who are not bound by God’s word? All they are doing is ignoring it, and thinking it doesn’t apply to them” is something they would say about you, just as you would say it about me.

It’s one thing to go around believing that your religion is true. It’s quite another to go around believing that your religion is a truism - and that nobody really doubts its Truth so much as they’re ignoring it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Driven by what they want to believe is true or really by what they want to do. The truth is written on their hearts and they reject it.

That’s interesting. I would love to hear your theory then on why despite my best efforts for years I just never could believe in god. There was no “rejection of truth” or following “what I want to believe” because I genuinely wanted to be a Christian, but I just could not believe.

I hate it when people make those sweeping judgements when there is no possible way that they could know.