What have I gotten myself into

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Hi guys…remember me? I’m the guy who went to confession after 15 yrs of disbelief…

I need some advice…

Even before I was drawn to repent and become a full member in the church again, I had told my wife that I was ready to have children, (she had been ready for a while) and she should get off of birth control. She said she would finish out the current precription, and go from there.

Since then, I received the sacrement of reconcilliation, and was feeling very good.

Last night, she wanted to make love, but she is still on the pill. I told her I couldn’t. I had just gone to confession and just couldn’t do it.

Now, she is extremely angry at me. She said I should have talked to her first about this decision, that when she married me I was not a ‘holy roller’ and she dosen’t want to be married to one. She is a ‘cafeteria Catholic’ where she picks and chooses what she wants to believe. She said some not nice things about the Church, that she didn’t want the burden of NFP because of all that is involved, that since the Chuch wasn’t paying for her babies that she was going to do what she thought was right.

I have had a couple of bouts with panic attacks in the past with a little depression thrown in, and she said she could put up with all of that stuff, but not this. She said if I thought religion was going to make my mind better that I was crazy.

I don’t know what to do. I was just trying to do the right thing. She’s right, I should have discussed this with her first, but there was really nothing to discuss.

Please pray for us!
 
I have some good new for you! I got this information from a credible source, San Juan Catholic Seminars put out a booklet titled “How to Answer Tough Moral Questions” and this is what it says about your particular situation:

Pg. 37 What if my spouse Keeps Contracepting?

"The 1997 *Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life *addresses the question of cooperating with a contracepting spouse in part 3, sections 13 and 14, It says that even if your spouse is deliberately contracepting, you can still have marital relations as long as:
  1. The contraception doesn’t have abortion-causing effects.
  2. The method of contraception does not pervert the marital act itself.
  3. You make it clear that you don’t approve of the contraception.
  4. You make reasonable efforts to correct your spouse.
Remember, cooperating with a contracepting spouse doesn’t mean you approve of his/her actions. Obviously, you should also pray and sacrifice for you spouse’s change of heart. If your partner is willing to learn, give him/her a tape or book on the wisdom of avoiding all contraception."

I hope this helps! :cool:
 
I wish I could just leave you with the good news posted previously, but I must make one point–the Pill can have abortion-causing effects. In a high percentage of cases, if the female partner engages in the conjugal act during her fertile period, the Pill may fail to prevent conception, leading to the uterus expelling a fertilized embryo (read: human being) from the womb.
 
Perhaps you could try to educate her (gently) about NFP. You say she doesn’t want to deal with the “burden”, but from what I understand it only takes about 3 minutes a day to gauge fertility. Also, let her know about the abortifacient properties of pill-based birth control. She may be a cafeteria Catholic, but she would likely be bothered more by the possibility of inadvertently killing a child than simply disobeying the Church’s rules.
 
While the previous posts help you to find peace about the marital relations, please do not overlook the underlying problem here by listening to what your wife has said…

Somewhere in the relationship you were moved to conversion and reconciliation, however, it seems you responded to the call alone - without discussing with her what you were going through, why you were moved to go in that direction, asking if perhaps she’d care to join you in this journey.

Communication is perhaps the most important tool for a lasting marriage and somewhere you left her out of the loop. She’s probably more upset about that than anything else. So it’s up to you to bring her back into your thought processes in a loving an patient manner so that perhaps she will be moved by your experience and not be so afraid to join you. She needs reassurances right now. When she feels secure again she will be more open minded to the rest of the stuff the two of you will face together.

Your last sentence pointed to the heart of the problem for me:

*She’s right, I should have discussed this with her first, but there was really nothing to discuss.
*
The timing of having children, particularly when the woman is the one who’s life is altered before, during and after conception, is a lot to discuss. The fact that you consider it ‘nothing’ because your mind was made up without her (name removed by moderator)ut speaks volumes. I know you do not intentially mean to dismiss her feelings and concerns, no loving husband does, but listen to what you say from a different perspective and you’ll begin to understand why your wife freaked out a bit.

Talk with her. You need to explain what happened to you and why and then you need to listen to what she says about this change of heart for you. Don’t be quick to counter her objections or concerns…debating isn’t important at this point. The first step is to re-establish trust - assuring her it is ‘safe’ for her to have thoughts different from yours without the risk of losing your love. You will then need to reflect and pray about what it is she shared with you so in the next dialogue you can address her concerns in a loving, supportive way that may get her to open up to your position. Remove the fears and doubts, help her find her faith - the one she needs to be able to open her up to NFP. Perhaps just get the relationship back on track enough to get her to agree to a Family Planning Weekend Retreat at a nearby Catholic Center.

Good luck to you, and God be with you both.
 
I don’t think in this she is right. I don’t think one spouse ever has the right to interfere with the relationship that the other has with God. You had no obligation to consult with her. What if she had said “no” would she have the right to make you go against what your conscience was telling you… does one spouse have the right to ask another to damn themselves because they don’t want the discomfort of changing?

Many couples find themselves in your situation. One spouse moves deeper into faith and the other is left behind angry and hurt.

My I suggest a few things?

First, don’t be critical of your wife. She is living in the “real world”… you have stepped into a supernatural one (I assure you it is super), She has all of society backing her up, if she has friends they are likely backing her up, the TV is backing her up… pity her she lives in an ugly universe. Help her see the beauty of yours being critical will only deepen the divide.

She is right that she didn’t marry a holy roller… she didn’t sign up for this. It sounds like she needs to feel committed to the new you. Court her. Increase your love for her. Seduce her in the very best way. Act as though you have to win her hand all over again… for I think you very well might. Get her a card, send her flowers, take her out… and be consistent with this it may take longer for you to win her heart back then it did to win it in the first place. But it is worth attempting if you succeed you win her heart for you and her soul for God.

Pray for her.

It is important that she see the changes in you as a good thing. Let her see the spirit of God working in you, Cast off any temptation to argue with her. You don’t have to you know you are correct. Letting your temper flare and saying angry words is not what will help. IF you feel the temptation to argue say a Hail Mary or Our Father to yourself and ask for peace.

WRT to the ABC you know you are right, but she is completely brain washed by society. “One More Soul” has many very fine resources that might help your wife more fully understand the problems associated with the pill and other ABC.

Good luck.

-D
 
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ppcpilot:
Hi guys…remember me? I’m the guy who went to confession after 15 yrs of disbelief…

I need some advice…

Even before I was drawn to repent and become a full member in the church again, I had told my wife that I was ready to have children, (she had been ready for a while) and she should get off of birth control. She said she would finish out the current precription, and go from there.

Since then, I received the sacrement of reconcilliation, and was feeling very good.

Last night, she wanted to make love, but she is still on the pill. I told her I couldn’t. I had just gone to confession and just couldn’t do it.

Now, she is extremely angry at me. She said I should have talked to her first about this decision, that when she married me I was not a ‘holy roller’ and she dosen’t want to be married to one. She is a ‘cafeteria Catholic’ where she picks and chooses what she wants to believe. She said some not nice things about the Church, that she didn’t want the burden of NFP because of all that is involved, that since the Chuch wasn’t paying for her babies that she was going to do what she thought was right.

I have had a couple of bouts with panic attacks in the past with a little depression thrown in, and she said she could put up with all of that stuff, but not this. She said if I thought religion was going to make my mind better that I was crazy.

I don’t know what to do. I was just trying to do the right thing. She’s right, I should have discussed this with her first, but there was really nothing to discuss.

Please pray for us!
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I can relate, my wife does not accept or is not open to NFP, (I will not go into what I have to do to accomodate this) note, you are not contracepting you are open to life,pray for her, and remember that your marriage is a sacrament and it carried grace with it,use it…

Remember Jesus taught that man was not made o serve the law but the law to serve man…Keep being agood husban and keep trying to teach her…but never force her this willonly be counter productive…
 
I can relate to a spouse not understanding the “holy roller” stance, although my wife goes along with my views on personal issues. We do however get into discussions about religion versus the world and she is constantly taking the world (freedom) side and saying I do not have a right to bring up other people’s lives, etc. She agrees with the TV more than my religion. I can tell she would rather me be moderately religious, but I know that there is no such thing. I will continue to attend daily mass, frequent confession, and love her like I promised.

It just hurts sometimes. My job is to help her get to heaven, and I don’t know if I’m doing a good job or not.
 
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rubbersoul:
I can relate to a spouse not understanding the “holy roller” stance, although my wife goes along with my views on personal issues. We do however get into discussions about religion versus the world and she is constantly taking the world (freedom) side and saying I do not have a right to bring up other people’s lives, etc. She agrees with the TV more than my religion. I can tell she would rather me be moderately religious, but I know that there is no such thing. I will continue to attend daily mass, frequent confession, and love her like I promised.

It just hurts sometimes. My job is to help her get to heaven, and I don’t know if I’m doing a good job or not.
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Your job is not to get her to heaved but to provide her with the tools to so, she is responsible before God for her decicion one the information is made available to her, you have done all you can at that point
 
I’m glad (in a sad way) to hear that I am not alone. She said some really hurtfull things to me, but I don’t take them to heart. She is a very loving person, and right now thinks I am being self-righteous. I’m not judging her or anything…I will be open to her views as I pray she will be open to mine. I still feel like a jerk, and hope that she can forgive me for not talking to her about it…(she says she has; she says she needs time to ‘get over it’.)

Flowers are on the way…

I should have kept my mouth shut.
 
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ppcpilot:
I’m glad (in a sad way) to hear that I am not alone. She said some really hurtfull things to me, but I don’t take them to heart. She is a very loving person, and right now thinks I am being self-righteous. I’m not judging her or anything…I will be open to her views as I pray she will be open to mine. I still feel like a jerk, and hope that she can forgive me for not talking to her about it…(she says she has; she says she needs time to ‘get over it’.)

Flowers are on the way…

I should have kept my mouth shut.
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Send her flowers and offer to talk to her about your views inanother seting (women are suckers for good talk 😛 )
 
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martino:
I have some good new for you! I got this information from a credible source, San Juan Catholic Seminars put out a booklet titled “How to Answer Tough Moral Questions” and this is what it says about your particular situation:

Pg. 37 What if my spouse Keeps Contracepting?

"The 1997 *Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life *addresses the question of cooperating with a contracepting spouse in part 3, sections 13 and 14, It says that even if your spouse is deliberately contracepting, you can still have marital relations as long as:
  1. The contraception doesn’t have abortion-causing effects.
  2. The method of contraception does not pervert the marital act itself.
  3. You make it clear that you don’t approve of the contraception.
  4. You make reasonable efforts to correct your spouse.
Remember, cooperating with a contracepting spouse doesn’t mean you approve of his/her actions. Obviously, you should also pray and sacrifice for you spouse’s change of heart. If your partner is willing to learn, give him/her a tape or book on the wisdom of avoiding all contraception."

I hope this helps! :cool:
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I should not have been so fast to assume this was good news for you, as I had missed that you had specifically stated that your wife was on “the pill”, and just as ppcpilot noted, the pill, being an abortifacient would go against condition #1. So its not quite as simple as I had made it sound in my original post, sorry for the confusion!! :o
 
I had a similar situation when I became ‘crazy’ about my faith. A couple words of advice from experience.
  1. Respect that what has happened to you is VERY disconcerting to her. She is right in a sense. She didn’t sign up for THIS, and it will certainly push her out of her comfort zone. This is both good and bad. Both an opportunity and a risk for her.
  2. I know how enthusiastic about the faith you feel right now, but try to avoid trying to ‘convert’ her. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. Your job now is to pray for her, and be the best Catholic husband you can be. If you try to talk her into the church at this sensitive juncture, she likely will not recieve it well.
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ppcpilot:
She said if I thought religion was going to make my mind better that I was crazy.
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  1. Show her, through your example of becoming (it’ll take work) an awesome loving husband that this is incorrect. It WILL make you ‘better’. It will make you more moral, more loving, more at peace, etc. For an understanding of how to become that husband, see this website…
    e5men.org/
    …This kind of self-sacrificing love is what all Catholic husbands are called to. Do this silently and lovingly. This change in you that she will see, combined with your prayers for her, will do more to draw her more deeply into the faith than anything you can say.
…Finally, remember that God can do the seemingly impossible.
 
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ppcpilot:
Now, she is extremely angry at me. She said I should have talked to her first about this decision, that when she married me I was not a ‘holy roller’ and she dosen’t want to be married to one. She is a ‘cafeteria Catholic’ where she picks and chooses what she wants to believe.
Click to expand...
Well you came to the right place for this! I’ve been married for 20 years. When we married I was a “cafeteria Catholic” my husband was just plain nothing. But that was ok because religion had nothing to do with our relationship. Then 11 years ago I started to get serious about my faith. I went through the exact same thing. My husband didn’t care that I was a Catholic until I started practicing. So to say your in for a bumpy ride is an understatement.
But if you really start pacticing your faith you will find she will start to see that you have become a better person. (this takes years, not months so put on your seatbelt).
My marriage lasted - because of my faith, if it had not been for my faith I would have left him years ago (being the totally secular thing to do when not happy).
Today 20 years later we have one of the strongest marriages amoungst the people I know. And although he still doesn’t go to Church with me, as of 4 months ago we started praying the rosary together. I plan very much for him to become a Catholic - everyday is just one step closer. 2 years ago when his dad was dying his 1st though was to get him a priest - which we did.

ppcpilot - you’ll have better days ahead, but it won’t be for a while. In the mean time, learn your faith, go to Mass and confession and say your rosary. And will God Bless you.

P.S. Read the lives of St. Rita and St. Monica both had tough marriages.
 
This always pains me when I hear about married couples who are experiencing strife. I’ve always held up the idea of cleaving to one another, as if you were one person, as the ideal, and it’s sobering to see how often circumstances prevent us from realising the bliss God meant for us to know in this sacrament. You are definitely in my prayers!
 
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SteveG:
  1. I know how enthusiastic about the faith you feel right now, but try to avoid trying to ‘convert’ her. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. Your job now is to pray for her, and be the best Catholic husband you can be. If you try to talk her into the church at this sensitive juncture, she likely will not recieve it well.
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I forgot to add this - Do not - I repeat DO NOT! Try to convert! This is a huge mistake (this is experience talking) - Live your life to please God no matter what she does. It is your example that will convert!

“Jesus meek and humble of heart, Make our hearts like unto Thine”
 
My husband and I were both inactive cradle Catholics when we met and married, and I was the one to be reverted first.

Remember that you are the spiritual head of the family, but remember to love your wife as Jesus loves the Church–willing to give your life for her. The total self-giving of each other is only possible through our acceptance of God’s love for us and our own growing love for Him. It sounds as if you are well on your way in this respect.

Consider her feelings and thoughts and remember that you are not two, but one. If you pull in a new direction without communicating first you will be pulling in different directions.

It is now time for prayer–lots of it. Have you begun visiting the Blessed Sacrament on a regular basis, even if not for a full hour? This is a good time to place both of you in His loving hands. It is time to evangelize constantly, but instead of using words, work on becoming the holy and loving person God created you to be so you can love your wife as Jesus wants her to be loved. I agree with trying to use a non-abortifacient method, though it really sounds as if you are both ready to live your marriage open to life.

Your biggest help to living marriage open to life is about to begin. The contrast for your wife of experiencing the marital embrace open to life, rather than feeling that her fertility is an illness and unaccepted should help her to see the joy of the Catholic view of marriage.

Years before I read anything about JPII and the Theology of the Body, I felt an impediment in my husband’s love for me while we were contracepting that I never understood until I heard Christopher West speak about the TOTB. I pray that your wife will feel the difference and be able to recognize it. If she does, you will both be well on your way in your journeys toward holiness.

Another prompting of the Spirit that helped me was to offer up my love for my husband and my sorrow at contracepting privately at the Offertory. I asked that God accept my sorrow and soften my husband’s heart with abundant grace. It took more than a year, but our God is awesome, and we now live in a marriage completely open to life, at my husband’s request/agreement. All I was led to do was tell him that I felt that our Faith was right and that I was uncomfortable with contraception. From then on, I was silent on the issue with my husband, but stormed heaven with prayer.

My prayers are with both you and your wife as you struggle to love as Jesus taught us and follow Him as well as you are able to until you are both walking in the same direction once again. There is faith, hope , and love. The greatest of these is love…

In Christ’s peace and love,

Robin L. in TX
 
Thanks for the inspiration, guys. She got the flowers I sent and seems to have forgiven me totally. I just asked her to please not judge me by my actions, and accept me for who I now am. I will do the same for her, and pray every day that she may have a change of heart.

I have made a pledge to say the rosary everyday from now until eternity. I hope Our Lady will help guide the way.

God Bless!
 
Good for you! Sounds like you’re on the right track at last! Good luck, and I’ll be praying for you! 🙂
 
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