A
Antonius_Lupus
Guest
…And What I am Learning.
I came to y’all with some of my problems and I received more wise advice than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and your help in teaching me about discipleship. So now I wanted to tell you about what I am beginning to discover.
The First thing that I have learned is that God Loves me. Of course this wasn’t so much a “learned” thing as it was a experiential affirmation of what I had believed before. What shocks me about this affirmation is that it reminds me that I am not just loved by God…but I am His Beloved. His love for me was made manifest by the Cross and by the Empty Tomb. I spent so much time doubt and wondering why God loves me, only to realize as my Deacon said: “Love is unreasonable.” Love is what made the God of the Universe humble Himself and be born of a teenage girl. Love was what drove Him to bear the sins of the world and to give up His life for all. Love was what opened the tomb on the third day. I remember how the Bible says that God knitted us together in our mother’s womb. Before we even were conceived His love burned with a passion beyond comprehension. As I look back I can see His footprints in my life. I can see that every step of the way He was guiding me.
Also, I am reminded of God’s Love by looking at Israel in the OT. Like the Israelites, God called me before I ever knew Him. He made me His child as an infant by the “circumcision made without hands.” Just as He called Israel out Egypt (i.e. slaverly), so too by my baptism did God call me out of slavery. All the way, even when I did not think of Him, He guided me in every step. Like the Israelites in the desert, He has provided for me always and have never lacked anything. And when I turned away from Him to worship the false Pagan gods and goddesses, He still called me back; just like the Israelites. When I engaged in sexual abominations, He still forgave and forgot; as with Israel. But here is where the similarities begin to end. Unlike Israel, God doesn’t just cover me with the blood of goats or bulls. No, He washes me with His own Blood. He cleans every stain, every wound He fills. And no matter how many times I falter, like a loving Father He picks me back up and helps me to get back on track.
I have also come to accept that my doubt is not something I should beat myself up over. Nor should I beat myself up over the thoughts and compulsions that I honestly can’t control. It is what I choose to do with those doubts and compulsions. I must take captive everythought and idle desire and bring it into submission. I must look to the LORD, my healer, for strength.
I am falling in love brothers and sisters. V’ahavta et Adonai Elohecha, “and you shall love LORD your God…” I am falling in love with the One who first loved me. I have wasted my love on many things: false gods and goddesses, pornography, sin, and the list goes on. None of those things ever fulfilled me. Only when I lift my eyes to MY God, do I find love in return. For He loved me before I even sensed His love, much less returned it!
And now finally I am coming the realization of what it means to be a disciple. It means loving Him. It means tearing down all the illusions and embracing the One “who is”. It means, as St. Augustine said, destroying what I have made, so that God may save what He has made. And the desire arises my heart. And this desire is much more profound than any sexual or carnal desire, no, it transcends any desire I have felt before. It is the desire to love Him with everything that I am. It is the desire to bow down and offer everything to His majesty. It is the desire to be transformed into His image and to be united with Him.
It a desire that makes all other desires melt away.
And so, I choose Christ. I submit everything to the LORD, my healer. He is MY God, MY Lord, and MY King. He loved me before the worlds were made, and His actions constantly shout out: “I love you!” That is what should see when we see a crucifix: “I love you THIS much.”
The Cross is my tower of refuge and the Empty Tomb is my place of meditation. And now more than ever I hunger and thirst for the gift of the Eucharist. To not just receive Christ spiritually, but also physically, for He made us flesh and spirit. To have the Flesh of my Love made one with my flesh, and to have the Blood of my Love made one with my blood. I now see why the Eucharist is called the “source and summit of the Faith.” It that moment when the Shechinah Elohim (Divine Presence) enters into our world and meets with us.
In the final analysis, I am want Him and nothing else. I forsake the pleasures of the flesh and the aesthetic beauty of idolatry, and I grasp hold to ROCK of Ages. The cling to the Cross in a world of darkness, knowing that the Cross is my hope.
Once again, St. Ignatius of Antioch says perfectly what my heart cries out and my mouth professes to a world of sin and darkness:
“I have no taste for corruptible food nor for the pleasures of this life. I desire the bread of God, which is the flesh of Jesus Christ, who was of the seed of David; and for drink I desire his blood, which is love incorruptible” (Letter to the Romans 7:3 [A.D. 110]).
AMEN brother Ignatius! AMEN.
I came to y’all with some of my problems and I received more wise advice than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and your help in teaching me about discipleship. So now I wanted to tell you about what I am beginning to discover.
The First thing that I have learned is that God Loves me. Of course this wasn’t so much a “learned” thing as it was a experiential affirmation of what I had believed before. What shocks me about this affirmation is that it reminds me that I am not just loved by God…but I am His Beloved. His love for me was made manifest by the Cross and by the Empty Tomb. I spent so much time doubt and wondering why God loves me, only to realize as my Deacon said: “Love is unreasonable.” Love is what made the God of the Universe humble Himself and be born of a teenage girl. Love was what drove Him to bear the sins of the world and to give up His life for all. Love was what opened the tomb on the third day. I remember how the Bible says that God knitted us together in our mother’s womb. Before we even were conceived His love burned with a passion beyond comprehension. As I look back I can see His footprints in my life. I can see that every step of the way He was guiding me.
Also, I am reminded of God’s Love by looking at Israel in the OT. Like the Israelites, God called me before I ever knew Him. He made me His child as an infant by the “circumcision made without hands.” Just as He called Israel out Egypt (i.e. slaverly), so too by my baptism did God call me out of slavery. All the way, even when I did not think of Him, He guided me in every step. Like the Israelites in the desert, He has provided for me always and have never lacked anything. And when I turned away from Him to worship the false Pagan gods and goddesses, He still called me back; just like the Israelites. When I engaged in sexual abominations, He still forgave and forgot; as with Israel. But here is where the similarities begin to end. Unlike Israel, God doesn’t just cover me with the blood of goats or bulls. No, He washes me with His own Blood. He cleans every stain, every wound He fills. And no matter how many times I falter, like a loving Father He picks me back up and helps me to get back on track.
I have also come to accept that my doubt is not something I should beat myself up over. Nor should I beat myself up over the thoughts and compulsions that I honestly can’t control. It is what I choose to do with those doubts and compulsions. I must take captive everythought and idle desire and bring it into submission. I must look to the LORD, my healer, for strength.
I am falling in love brothers and sisters. V’ahavta et Adonai Elohecha, “and you shall love LORD your God…” I am falling in love with the One who first loved me. I have wasted my love on many things: false gods and goddesses, pornography, sin, and the list goes on. None of those things ever fulfilled me. Only when I lift my eyes to MY God, do I find love in return. For He loved me before I even sensed His love, much less returned it!
And now finally I am coming the realization of what it means to be a disciple. It means loving Him. It means tearing down all the illusions and embracing the One “who is”. It means, as St. Augustine said, destroying what I have made, so that God may save what He has made. And the desire arises my heart. And this desire is much more profound than any sexual or carnal desire, no, it transcends any desire I have felt before. It is the desire to love Him with everything that I am. It is the desire to bow down and offer everything to His majesty. It is the desire to be transformed into His image and to be united with Him.
It a desire that makes all other desires melt away.
And so, I choose Christ. I submit everything to the LORD, my healer. He is MY God, MY Lord, and MY King. He loved me before the worlds were made, and His actions constantly shout out: “I love you!” That is what should see when we see a crucifix: “I love you THIS much.”
The Cross is my tower of refuge and the Empty Tomb is my place of meditation. And now more than ever I hunger and thirst for the gift of the Eucharist. To not just receive Christ spiritually, but also physically, for He made us flesh and spirit. To have the Flesh of my Love made one with my flesh, and to have the Blood of my Love made one with my blood. I now see why the Eucharist is called the “source and summit of the Faith.” It that moment when the Shechinah Elohim (Divine Presence) enters into our world and meets with us.
In the final analysis, I am want Him and nothing else. I forsake the pleasures of the flesh and the aesthetic beauty of idolatry, and I grasp hold to ROCK of Ages. The cling to the Cross in a world of darkness, knowing that the Cross is my hope.
Once again, St. Ignatius of Antioch says perfectly what my heart cries out and my mouth professes to a world of sin and darkness:
“I have no taste for corruptible food nor for the pleasures of this life. I desire the bread of God, which is the flesh of Jesus Christ, who was of the seed of David; and for drink I desire his blood, which is love incorruptible” (Letter to the Romans 7:3 [A.D. 110]).
AMEN brother Ignatius! AMEN.