What If Husband And Wife Have Different Levels Of Sex Drive?

[maria_rose]

My hubby and i have been married for 14 years. We are both in our forties. He has a very slow drive, meaning sex once a month or less is fine by him. Right now we haven’t been intimate for several months (I think about four). I miss sex and the intimacy. Is it wrong for me ,who has the strong sex drive to satisfy myself on occasion just to relieve the pressure?
Any suggestions/thoughts appreciated! This issue is really bugging me.

 

[1ke]

My hubby and i have been married for 14 years. We are both in our forties. He has a very slow drive, meaning sex once a month or less is fine by him. Right now we haven’t been intimate for several months (I think about four). I miss sex and the intimacy.

Tell him you miss the intimacy and sex. Initiate. Seek counseling if necessary-- and have him visit the doctor, there could be a physiological reason.

Is it wrong for me ,who has the strong sex drive to satisfy myself on occasion just to relieve the pressure?

Yes. Masterbation is a gravely disordered use of our sexuality and a violation of the Sixth Commandmnet.

Any suggestions/thoughts appreciated! This issue is really bugging me.

St. Paul tells us we are not to withhold ourselves from one another except by mutual consent. If he is devout, study Catholic teaching together, talk about it, and see if there is a way you can find a frequency of intimacy that will satisfy both of you.

 

[maria_rose]

My husband is very devout and a first degree Knight of Columbus.
He has a physiological issue that has to be taken care of and poses some anxiety for him. but as long as we have been together his drive has always been a lot weaker than mine and that has posed trouble spots in our marriage. What’s a girl to do?
It’s hard to be celibate with a handsome man in your bed every night.

 

[LittleOne1]

Well if you have not had a heart to heart conversation about this and a duty for the spouse to recognize that their body is not their own, but a gift to each other (that unless you have serious reasons, you should not deny the act), I would start their and just tell him how much this hurts you. It could be he opens up about things he is embarassed about or is struggling with and hearing your support and encouragement may help. Listening to him is important and I think men have a hard time opening up at times; they like to bottle emotios up so approach it in such a way that you want to help him for the sake ofyour love. Another thing is that maybe a talk with a priest or spiritual director may help or a retreat like marriage encounters. Finally this could be a biological issue: sometimes drugs like anit-depressants cause this or other biological issues and so seeing the doctor about it may help. If you are patient and loving towards him and selfless, it will help to overcome these issues.
To concur, self stimulation is wrong because the end of sex is not pleasure, but the union of husband and wife… pleasure is just a gift from God that we rightly recieve when we live that union properly… otherwise we are being selfish and stealing from God. In this end I would say strengthen your resolve against temptation at this time through prayer, and or fasting along with confession and communion. May God be with you and your DH in your struggles .

 

[1ke]

My husband is very devout and a first degree Knight of Columbus.
He has a physiological issue that has to be taken care of and poses some anxiety for him. but as long as we have been together his drive has always been a lot weaker than mine and that has posed trouble spots in our marriage.

Help him to confront and conquer his physiological issues. Seek spiritual direction and continue to discuss it with him.

What’s a girl to do?

I can tell you what a girl is NOT to do…

What can you do? Offer it up.

It’s hard to be celibate with a handsome man in your bed every night.

But love of God and love for your husband can help you to embrace this cross if he is unable to change.

 

[TIME]

The Church upholds St. Paul’s teaching regarding conjugal chastity:

1 Corinthians 7: 4-5

4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.

It is important to remember the purpose of marriage: To provide for each spouse a partner to help him or her on the road to heaven. It is a vocation that forms the partners in sanctity, whether or not their marriage is blessed with children.

John Paul II also says that if the only reason a couple is having sex is to transmit life, then they may be in danger of using each other rather than loving each other (see Love & Responsibility p. 233).

Also, John Paul describes the “beatifying experience” of conjugal union as a foretaste of the joys of heaven (see TB, Dec 16, 1981 and Jan 13, 1982). In Love & Responsibility, by his detailed discussion of the husband’s responsibility - out of authentic love for his wife - to see that she achieves sexual climax (see Love & Responsibility pp. 270-278).

 

[maria_rose]

thank you kindly for your posts and encouragements.
My hubby is on an antidepressant. Maybe that has something to do with it. He is very loving and affectionate, just doesn’t want sex.
yes, i agree it is a cross.
We have three children, two boys with Autism and a daughter.
and a lot of financial woes. i bet stress is a factor too. Please pray for us. I miss him so much.

 

[LittleOne1]

Well I would say seeing if you could switch antidepressants since some do not have that affect, but discuss this with his doctor and see what coudl be done to help. Depression is such a strong and terrible disease that can rob a person and those around them of so much. Yes it is a cross… but with prayer and continued support of him by drawing from God a manageable thing. God bless and best for you and your family in such difficult struggle.

 

[Pax]

thank you kindly for your posts and encouragements.
My hubby is on an antidepressant. Maybe that has something to do with it. He is very loving and affectionate, just doesn’t want sex.
yes, i agree it is a cross.
We have three children, two boys with Autism and a daughter.
and a lot of financial woes. i bet stress is a factor too. Please pray for us. I miss him so much.

I will pray for your situation.

 

[crazyage3]

My hubby and i have been married for 14 years. We are both in our forties. He has a very slow drive, meaning sex once a month or less is fine by him. Right now we haven’t been intimate for several months (I think about four). I miss sex and the intimacy. Is it wrong for me ,who has the strong sex drive to satisfy myself on occasion just to relieve the pressure?
Any suggestions/thoughts appreciated! This issue is really bugging me.

Is he on any meds to cause this problem?? Have you tried spicing things up? I’m actually dealing with the same issue , only it is me who has the problem. I’m only 27 and my drive gone, has been for years!!!

 

[crazyage3]

Maria
i just read that he is on meds! Sorry about that.
that has a lot to do with it! can you switch meds or lower dosage??

 

[Delphinus85]

It does seem that if he is on anti-depressants that may be a cause. Maybe the reason why he is on anti-depressants could contribute too. The only way to know is to talk to the doctor.

Also something to think about. The common phrase “use it or lose it” applies greatly in sexuality. Sometimes it helps to try even if you don’t feel like it. When my DH and I got married, I was sturggling through a masturbation addiction, so my drive was much much much MUCH higher than his, as he never had that problem. He had to “do it” (sex) a lot when he didn’t want to, and because I stopped my problem (glory be!) my drive decreased. Now we find that he is often rubbing my back at night, but I’ve fallen fast asleep, poor guy lol.

As for your issue, masturbation isn’t an answer. I stuggled with it. It doesn’t relieve tension, it adds to it by upping your drive, and makes you want to do it more (again, if you don’t use it you lose it), this aside from the fact that it’s a sin. It may seem like a fix, but trust me, it’s not. The only way to work through this in a way that will really WORK is to confront the ugly nasty monster head on, communicate, communicate, see a doctor, communicate, see a counsellor, communicate, and pray. Oh and comminucate, did I say that? hehehe

I will be praying for you. I know how you feel.

 

[Prime]

My hubby and i have been married for 14 years. We are both in our forties. He has a very slow drive, meaning sex once a month or less is fine by him. Right now we haven’t been intimate for several months (I think about four). I miss sex and the intimacy. Is it wrong for me ,who has the strong sex drive to satisfy myself on occasion just to relieve the pressure?
Any suggestions/thoughts appreciated! This issue is really bugging me.

I can tell something from experience. We (DH and DW) are in our late forties. DW believes I am being selfish when I yearn for intimacy once a month. So I also end up being involuntarily celibate on our marriage bed.
I pray for strength and visit the sacrament often. I welcome the challenge and turn it as my path to sanctity.
I pray you find it as your path too.

 

[KCT]

Hopefully you’ll get to the bottom of it. Medications can certainly play a part.

Interesting replies . . . but I didn’t see any suggesting that the man make more of an effort. When it’s the woman not wanting relations so often, we’re told to go along with it for the sake of our husbands. Be generous, we’re told, men have stronger needs. Are husbands to do the same for their wives? (provided they are physically capable)

 

[Uncle_Norbert]

I’m only 27 and my drive gone, has been for years!!!

Wait’ll your in your 40’s Things will change

 

[maria_rose]

Hopefully you’ll get to the bottom of it. Medications can certainly play a part.

Interesting replies . . . but I didn’t see any suggesting that the man make more of an effort. When it’s the woman not wanting relations so often, we’re told to go along with it for the sake of our husbands. Be generous, we’re told, men have stronger needs. Are husbands to do the same for their wives? (provided they are physically capable)

I agree with you .Husbands need to be there for their wives just like wives are expected to be there for their hubbies.
I’m scheduling an appointment with hubby’s psychiatrist for both of us to talk to him about our struggle.
Lately my hubby has a new excuse every night(too tired, headache,working on something etc) I always thought men have the stronger needs. Not this one. I will pray for my hubby’s sexual needs to increase and for me for patience.

 

[Maxply]

I’m kind of with your husband. He may just be tired out at the end of the day. What a bizarre twist of fate: the male sex drive being high at 16-20, the female’s kicking up in their 30s!

This all reminds me of Pete Rose’s comment regarding his gambling. He said his sex drive pretty much died down in his 40s, and then gambling on sports got to be his big thrill.

Sounds harsh, but I’d say, leave your husband alone, let him figure out what he wants to do. He’s kind of in the same position that a young woman, say 18, would be in if she didn’t want sex and her husband of 20 very much did. In this case, I’d guess most people would tell the guy to leave her alone.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West and get your husband to read it as well.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi maria–I’ll keep you and your hubby in my prayers. I don’t have much to offer by way of advice, except that I don’t agree with people who said to leave him alone. I mean, don’t badger him haha…But, I was like your husband in my marriage about 10 years ago, and it caused a lot of problems for my husband and me…he felt like I didn’t ‘want’ him, etc…so, there’s more to this, than just physical urges. Being on the opposite side of this, I will say that I grew to look at sex in marriage, as a way of giving to one another freely, and even when I didn’t always feel like it. There are a lot of things we don’t feel like doing, and certainly, my husband didn’t expect to ask me, and every time I would be in the mood, or we would do that–but to turn you down more often than not, is not healthy for a marriage. I would tell this also to an 18 yr old woman who is married to a 20 yr old man. You can’t ignore your spouses’ needs repeatedly…no matter what the needs are, because you are a one flesh union. Certainly, I’m not suggesting to badger him or make him feel bad, but possibly read some books that have been suggested together, and come to a healthy balance. You’re in my prayers!:console:

PS; The tide has turned though, thankfully, in my marriage…you know what I mean.

 

[Prime]

Hi maria–I’ll keep you and your hubby in my prayers. I don’t have much to offer by way of advice, except that I don’t agree with people who said to leave him alone. I mean, don’t badger him haha…But, I was like your husband in my marriage about 10 years ago, and it caused a lot of problems for my husband and me…he felt like I didn’t ‘want’ him, etc…so, there’s more to this, than just physical urges. Being on the opposite side of this, I will say that I grew to look at sex in marriage, as a way of giving to one another freely, and even when I didn’t always feel like it. There are a lot of things we don’t feel like doing, and certainly, my husband didn’t expect to ask me, and every time I would be in the mood, or we would do that–but to turn you down more often than not, is not healthy for a marriage. I would tell this also to an 18 yr old woman who is married to a 20 yr old man. You can’t ignore your spouses’ needs repeatedly…no matter what the needs are, because you are a one flesh union. Certainly, I’m not suggesting to badger him or make him feel bad, but possibly read some books that have been suggested together, and come to a healthy balance. You’re in my prayers!:console:

PS; The tide has turned though, thankfully, in my marriage…you know what I mean.

In my case, its the wife who is not responsive to husband’s need.

If the husband badgers, it is viewed as being selfish so I guess the best thing to do is to leave her in splendid isolation when in bed.